Flop-A-Lynxettes

Text from earlier in the day, from me to Bad-Ass: I’m not gonna be a mother, happy birthday to me!

Bad-Ass: What’s this about not being preggers?

Lynx: haha I’m not preggers Did I not tell you that I had to get Plan B because Floppy is trying to make Flop-A-Lynxettes with me?

Bad-Ass: LOL You say it like he’s breeding you

Lynx: Dude he totally is trying to sire bastard children!

Bad-Ass: Sow his wild oats in you lol

In Which Viktor Announces His Candidacy

Lynx: Have i told you about Viktor? A Canadian Indian or Burmese guy from Toronto, and I’m the only one who hasn’t noticed he has a piercing on the back of his neck, otherwise very clean cut and bald. He looks good, is after me lol Wants to go to Disney this Sunday, ”Ive been trying to hang out with you one on one since the beginning of the semester”

Bad-Ass: Ooh

Lynx: Dude he may be coming out for my party Fri night. I dont know WHO else is coming out…this could be very interesting

Bad-Ass: hahahahaha ”Interesting” always seems to involve you getting dizzy drunk, yelling at your best friends, making no sense when you text/call me, and having bad sex. Are you sure you really WANT “interesting” at this point? lol

Lynx: LMAO

Jonathan Goldman Turns 21!!

The other night Lynx & Crew were out in Wrigleyville celebrating Jonathan’s Goldman’s 21st birthday. We did a mini-barcrawl and it was the second place we stopped that warrants a mention in my chronicles.

Since living in the city, Jonathan Goldman has always wanted to go to Cubby Bear. It’s not my type of place, although it is a staple of Wrigleyville. So we honored his request and when we showed up, this reggae band was playing. There was maybe roughly 30 people there, half of whom I rolled in with. Honey dragged all the girls out to the dance floor, where I got creeped out by guys coming up to us and I headed back to the bar so that I would be left alone.

One minute I’m talking to Kooter Kake and the next I’m talking to a bachelor party. I don’t remember how it started and I couldn’t even tell you what was said, although I did diss the groom-to-be because he was from Michigan and some doofus was a Hoosier. They looked like idiots in these bright red t-shirts which they had specialized for the “Bachelor Party Bar Crawl.” One of the guys, forgot his name, got all up in my space. But it was okay, he was a pretty guy. And that’s when one by one my friends came up to us, saying it was time to go. G-Spot. Once wasn’t enough. Ricky Rousse. Twice wasn’t enough either. When Sloppy Shot came up, I still had half a beer left and I was in the middle of a conversation with a guy.

Sloppy Shot: Come on, we gotta go.
Lynx: I still have to finish my drink. -looks to bachelor party guy-
Sloppy Shot: Is it the only thing that’s keeping you from going to the next bar?
Lynx: …Yes… -meaning no-

And then he took my drink from my hand and finished my beer! And then he basically dragged me out of Cubby Bear! I didn’t even wait til we had turned the corner (Cubby Bear stands on the corner of Clark and Addison) before I started yelling.

Lynx: Why the fuck did you do that?!
Sloppy Shot: You were talking to douchebags!
Lynx: AND THAT’S A REASON TO COCKBLOCK ME??
Sloppy Shot: Uh…they were douchebags…that should be enough reason.
Lynx: But that’s perfect! They don’t want to stay til the morning!

I kept yelling as we crossed the street. I was still yelling when we came to Goose Island and discovered it was closed. I didn’t care who heard, the hobos or the skanks or the bros, anyone and everyone on Clark Street heard that I had been cockblocked. It escalated when we went into Mullen’s. G-Spot and Ricky Rousse cornered me to calm me down. At least I think it was Ricky Rousse? It may have been Boomp.

G-Spot: Would you rather have fun with your friends or have sex with a douchebag?
Lynx: …Yeah I choose sex.
Boomp/Ricky Rousse: But it’s Jonathan Goldman’s birthday. Don’t you want to be there for him?
Lynx: But it was a fucking bachelor party!

Let me first of all say, I fucking love Jonathan Goldman like I love Tucker Max. Jonathan Goldman is like a god in my eyes. I was just Hurricane Bitch out of control. Of course Jonathan Goldman & Crew are more important than random ass with a stranger who went to Mizzou! But my poor vag, they all had someone to go home to! After Mullen’s we stopped at Taco Bell for drunk munchies. On our way out, I saw the bachelor party come in. My ire was reawakened. Hurricane Bitch came out and Ricky Rousse and I got into a physical altercation back at Jonathan Goldman’s apartment. Lesson here? They obviously didn’t pay attention to Scruffelhauser’s words “You don’t want to get in Lynx’s way when she wants to get laid.”

Hurricane Bitch

January 2009

Buttersauce, Jonathan Goldman and Ricky Rousse planned a surprise 23rd birthday party for Boomp.  Boomp was lured out to Chicago under the pretense they would be barhopping. Birthday boy was quite surprised indeed and never saw it coming. We were stocked up on hard liquor, in particular we had a huge bottle of Ciroc which Boomp and Ricky Rousse are really fond of.

So I started off with cranberry vodkas, unusual for me to do since I’m a beer drinker.  As the night wore on, more people showed up and more people got drunk. I had been a really good happy drunk I was jolly (yes Jolly) and stumbling over myself. I was a happy drunk until I discovered we were out of Ciroc. Upon making the switch to beer, apparently I bitched out Ricky Rousse and Jonathan Goldman. I don’t remember any of this but since I am one of the loudest (sometimes angry) drunks in the group, I’m not too surprised.

Buttersauce came up to me, wondering if pizzas should be ordered. I love to eat so there was no way I was going to tell her not to order them. I was in the kitchen when the Pizza man came. I got drunkenly excited and started waving to the guy, asking if he wanted beer. And then G-Spot ran over and held me in place to prevent me from actually going up to the  Pizza man. I got angry.

Lynx: “I have to give him beer! Let me go!”

G-Spot: “Hey it’s okay, Sloppy Shot already did it.”

Lynx: “That asshole tipped the Pizza man before me?”

G-Spot: “Yes he did, now calm down!”

Lynx: “NO! I’M SUPPOSED TO GIVE THE PIZZA MAN BEER! HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME??”

G-Spot let go of me and I stormed into the next room where Boomp, Ricky Rousse, Sloppy Shot and Scruffelhauser were in the middle of a beer pong game. Not giving a shit, I belligerently got in Sloppy Shot’s face and began yelling at him. He claimed not to know what I was talking about, I called bullshit and then I angrily poured the rest of my cranberry vodka into his cups of beer. I visibily saw that Scruffelhauser and Boomp were surprised and disgusted with what I did. In my drunken state I didn’t care. I seriously felt like I’d been disrespected by not being able to give the Pizza man beer.

I started walking back to the kitchen when I realized that I had been so angry, I forgot about the pizzas. I sniffed the kitchen and asked where the pizza was. Someone made a comment that G-Spot and Jonathan Goldman’s lady had taken it to his room. My ire once again was ablaze and I ran from the kitchen to Jonathan Goldman’s room screaming, “THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS!!! THEY’RE HIDING PIZZA FROM ME!!”

Right before I reached the room, G-Spot slammed the door shut and I began banging. I was about to try and hulk the door when it opened and I saw the two with cheese and pepperoni hanging from the side of their mouths. I wound up getting my share and everyone collectively decided that I had to be cut off for the rest of the night. I played nice for a while, biding my time before I could start drinking again. That opportunity arose when one of Sloppy Shot’s friends, Vick and his girlfriend,  showed up.

Sometimes I unconciously slip into a hostess role when my friends throw parties. This comes from my time spent in a frat house. I won’t get into the details, but when I see people come in not really knowing anyone or looking like they’re not having fun, I just have to give them beer. I went to the kitchen and was in the process of taking beer from the fridge when I heard,

Person: “What are you doing, Lynx?”

Lynx: “I’m getting beer for Vick and his lady friend…”

I grabbed one beer for Vick, then another beer for his lady friend. Then I grabbed a third one, “And this one’s for me, HA BITCHES!!” and took off running from the kitchen before they could take my beers away from me.   Lazer soon took me and G-Spot home after this. I don’t know if it was because he was genuinely partied out or if it was because they didn’t want me to get worked up again.

I was such a huge, raging bitch that G-Spot started calling me Hurricane Bitch this night.

JLo’s Birfday (Someone Shat on the Dance Floor)

JLo was already at Grand Central when K-Ho and I rolled into the city. I had his apartment key and was having trouble opening his door, when someone opened it for me on the other side. E and his friend Trap Bitch were still there pre-gaming. K-Ho and I had come bearing gifts, and immediately started a round of Slapbag with a Franzia bag that was at least a month old.

We all hopped in a cab and us girls decided to re-write The Lonely Island’s “I’m On a Boat” song. Too bad we only got as far as two lines before we died of drunk laughter, not being able to continue. Or maybe we were just not drunk enough to be witty. This is what we have: “I’m in a cab, bitch. I got pricey tits.” Why are tits pricey? Beats the fuck out of me!

We arrived at Grand Central and ran into Christina, who we actually met during Night Out With Hoosiers. Christina and I had never gone to Grand Central before and we both commented on how it made us feel like we were back at NIU, at a bar called Molly’s. There were some decent looking guys there, but they didn’t impress K-Ho, Christina, or I. We did the only thing that girls can do in that situation, DANCE!

Every 5 minutes E kept saying, “I think he [JLo] needs another shot!” Fabulous was also around, but I don’t remember talking to him a lot. I noticed that Trap Bitch was missing, and asked about her. Apparently our game of Slapbag had done the poor girl in and she took a cab back to her apartment. I saw a gentleman I had seen a few times before, his name was Jacob. I then noticed there was a guy that wouldn’t leave Jacob’s side. If I had seen this guy walking down the street, I would never have given him a second glance but something kept making me look his direction. And then it hit me. I met him before!

It was Phil, the guy I made out with at Matisse, 3 years earlier. I did not recognize him at all! He was shorter than I remembered. His hair wasn’t the same. Maybe his face had changed too haha. I built this guy up (or down) in my memory and it was not the same man in the flesh. Was he scrawny now too? Where did his muscles go? I believe there’s a possibility that Jacob remembered me. He may have brought it to Phil’s attention but I didn’t care to speak to them. It was a drunk mistake. We’re allowed a couple of those, right?

It was hot inside Grand Central and we were getting restless. Christina, K-Ho and I decided to leave for Hang Uppe’s before the guys did. On our way out we ran into Kreepster and Pimpin (also from Night Out with Hoosiers) who were just arriving for the festitivities. Kreepster gave us an over-enthusiastic hello and we bounced. Since Christina lived next door to the bar, she wanted to change her shoes while we waited at Elm Street Liquors, another bar next to Hang Uppe’s. Some random Marines bought K-Ho and I some shots. Turned out she had a mutual acquaintance with one of them. I can’t remember if a dildo was involved.

When Christina showed up, we made our way to the back of the bar to sit down. It smelled pretty bad, but we thought someone had farted and ignored it. Then security guys came through shining their flashlights at the ground. I thought maybe someone was dumb enough to leave some drugs behind, but they wound up finding something worse. I kid you not, they found a couple piles of shit.

SOMEONE SHAT ON THE DANCE FLOOR!!

It literally smelled like shit. They busted out with the bleach and whatever else to clean up the mess. I couldn’t believe it. While it was great not having to smell shit anymore, the bleach wasn’t that much more pleasant. My eyes were watering, my nose hated me for being there, and my stomach wasn’t settling the shot I nearly choked on earlier- the bartender had left chunks of ice in my Soco Lime. By this point JLo, E, Pimpin, Fabulous, and Kreepster had already gotten into Hang Uppe’s. K-Ho and I were not champs this night, and took a cab back to E and JLo’s apartment a bit after 2 am. JLo was a little angry at us and sent a text saying that we shouldn’t sleep on his bed.

K-Ho and I got back to their apartment and started making food. She made awesomely delicious butter noodles while I cooked my specialty that is frozen hot dogs. She crashed on the couch and I took E’s bed after I made sure, since I was still in possession of JLo’s key, the back door was unlocked for the guys to get in. We passed out peacefully around 3:30 am.

I fell asleep the instant my head hit the pillow (or the White Sox blanket I was using as a pillow). I woke up when JLo kicked down E’s door and the noise scared the shit out of me. JLo came in and collapsed right against my side of the bed. He wouldn’t answer when I told him to get up. E then climbed over JLo and crawled into bed with me, totally trying to place his hands on my tits in the dark, trying to play it off as a drunk mistake. E kept talking to me, because he wasn’t tired. I told him I was going to punch him if he didn’t stop.

All of a sudden JLo fell over and he hit the floor so hard I thought he may have injured himself. I told E to check on him. E just left him on the floor, saying that JLo was okay. E went back to talking and I went back to trying to sleep. THUD. THUD. JLo was banging his shoes on the hard wood floor as he was tossing and turning. I made E move him out of the room and JLo in his drunken stupor got up and ran to go lie down outside on their porch.

Lynx: “You can’t leave him there!”
E: “He does this all the time in the summer.”
Lynx: “Uh what if he gets shanked??”
E: “Are you serious? You think someone’s going to shank him at 5:30 in the morning?”
Lynx: “Just bring him in!”

I’m going to skip over my failed attempt at making pancakes in the morning. K-Ho had to save the day on that and she doesn’t even like pancakes. I wound up cooking easy-over eggs and discovered that it’s an Asian thing to eat my eggs with soy sauce, as well as with a spoon. Oh and hey, for those of you who are seriously doubting my domestic abilities, I didn’t fuck up my eggs! As we were sitting around the living room, trying to wake up, Jordan shared his mother’s birthday card with us.

JLo: “So I woke up this morning, with my birthday card from my mom on top of me. I wondered why and looked at it again. It used to say ‘Love Mom,’ and now it says “Love Mom and Dad Fabulous.’ The fucker wrote on my birthday card!”

 

Why don’t you go cry to Daddy Fabulous about it JLo?

Lynx Babies and Company

March 2008

It was the morning/day of G-Spot’s birthday party, and for the life of me I feel like we did something fun the night before but I can’t remember at the moment. Boomp, Scruffelhauser, Sloppy Shot, and I were doing Power Hour and then played other various drinking games. G-Spot came out of his room to see what we were doing.

Being that we were all there for G-Spot’s 22nd birthday, and I’m the oldest in our group of friends (well used to be the oldest until Lyle Harris started hanging out with us), I started thinking about the future. I don’t know if this was because the booze was brought out the serious Lynx in me or if it was because I was getting “older.” I’ve got a pretty awesome group of friends and for whatever reason, I was wondering what traits they would pass onto their kids. Will they be calling me Lynx, or Aunt Lynx, Auntie Lynx, or perhaps Lynxie? Will our kids surpass our awesomeness? Time will tell!

Lynx: “I can’t wait til we all have kids and they sit around playing drinking games.”
G-Spot: “I’m not letting my kids hang out with your kids, ‘Stay away from those Lynx boys.’ Because you know you’re having boys, Lynx. I don’t think you have any X chromosomes to give!”

The Mystery of Leo’s First Asian

February 2007

This night it was snowing like crazy and Leo was not too happy about going to Plainfield to celebrate his birthday.

Leo: come celebrate my birfday with me haha
Lynx: oh shush
Leo: lock it up
Lynx: you lock it up
Leo: SHE WAS MY FIRST ASIAN!
Lynx: lol simmer down
Leo: i think you were my first asian
Lynx: oh god
Leo: and first canadian. how do you feel about that haha
Lynx: “offended” that you only think this is so, cuz that means there’s a possibility i wasn’t
Leo: well there was this one girl, i’m not sure what she was haha
Lynx: hunt her down and find out

I wasn’t kidding about hunting that girl down. I just wanted to know if this chick was hotter than me. I’m turned off by guys who come to me wanting a “First Asian.” You can’t conquer the willing. However if it just so happens I am the first, well in my mind that’s a bonus notch in my belt. I think we also found out that Leo was my first Irish/German. I honestly can’t be too sure about that.

Happy birthday Leo.