Take It To The Pole

Dean doing a wildly inaccurate impression of me at the strip club Black Jack’s:

If you don’t like it [who I am], I’m gonna make out with your friend! Younger, faster, AND better looking!

Lynx: Remember I was telling you about that 31 year old? He texted me tonight, dammit, I broke up with him a year ago!

Dean: Wait you “broke up”? You?

Lynx: Okay I ended it. I broke it off, it wasn’t a break up.

Dean: And how long did you guys see each other?

Lynx: Like a month and a half. He still pulls the ” I want to get back together” crap and the “I want to be with you” shit. Now he was one pasty, pale ass motherfucker. It was ridiculous, he made some comment about how when he was younger he didn’t want to get a tattoo until he was built (muscular). So when he did get “muscles” he got a tattoo on his arm. Yeah well I saw that fucking thing and I had to laugh inside. He was scrawny as fuck. He wasn’t even toned!  I fucked a guy a year younger than me who had a tattoo on his arm but at least he had the fucking muscles to back it up!

Dean: Wow you’re so mean haha.

Lynx: You know why I can be mean? Cuz I don’t lead them on!

Drunk History

I first discovered these while hanging out with E and JLo. I tried to convince G-Spot to do one with me (he was a history major) but no dice. I would totally do one about the Spartans and the Battle of Thermopylae. For now though, I’ll have to be content with the duel of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr, and how Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity.

Moment with Tweedle Dum at Prairie Rock

January 2009

Tweedle Dum: You know, you’re different.

Lynx: What do you mean?

Tweedle Dum: The last time I saw you, you were a total bitch, and I didn’t want to talk to you!

Lynx: -not surprised- When was the last time you saw me?

Tweedle Dum: -unsure- Hmm like a couple months ago…?

Lynx: Try the summer. That’s the last time you saw me.

Tweedle Dum: You know what, you’re right.

Lynx: Yeah, Tweedle Dum, if you had the love of your life move across the country you would have been just as unhappy and depressed as I was. But because I didn’t want to become a hermit, I forced myself to go out with my friends, so from April to July I’M SORRY IF I CAME OFF BITCHY.

Tweedle Dum: -realizing he’s stuck his foot in his mouth- Ah…yeah…that does suck…well… you shouldn’t let a guy affect you like that.

Guys Night Out

April 2008

I somehow invited myself along on a night out with Ricky Rousse, Boomp, and Maldonado. They were hellbent on going drinking in Chicago and I couldn’t resist making sure they completed this goal. No girlfriends, no bitches, no worries. And of course, I was allowed to go because I’m like one of the guys. The guys were pretty pumped to be let off their leashes. If any of the ladies wanted to give them a hard time about it, I was ready with fighting words. You don’t question the Lynx and Guys Night Out. It should be a stipulation if not already a given.

Anyway, I was really excited to show the guys around Wrigleyville since they hadn’t been before. It was a Thursday night and I took them to Barleycorn, which is my favorite bar out that way. It was dead when we stepped in. Like DEAD. This was the emptiest I had ever seen Barleycorn, I had no idea what the hell was going on. There were like 3 other people drinking. I thought to myself, “Great, this is the last time I get to go anywhere with these guys in the city. I’m at the right place at the wrong time.” We came to drink and we did just that.  One of the guys went and got us all Irish Car Bombs, and I don’t remember what else we did. I got tired kind of early and talked them into going back home.

We crashed in Maldonado’s basement. Boomp and Rickey Rousse were getting hot and brovy (heavy but for bros) on the couch. They were lying down head to toe and were trying to jam their feet on the other person’s nuts. I think that’s a crazy way to show a bro some love, but what would I know about that? I got the loveseat to myself and at one point asked Maldonado to come over and cuddle. Ever the opportunist, he came right over and laid next to me but I didn’t cuddle. I just wanted someone next to me, I was thinking about things I shouldn’t have been.

When we woke up the next morning, Maldonado had moved to his bed. I was about to leave without saying a word when Ricky Rousse and Boomp asked me what I was doing.

Lynx: I’m leaving, I have to get to class.
Ricky Rousse: So you’re really going to do a walk of shame?
Lynx: What? What walk of shame? I didn’t get ass last night. I didn’t even fucking cuddle with Maldonado.
Boomp: Yeah but his mom and his little sisters don’t know that. What are they going to think when they see you with bed hair upstairs? His mom is going to hate you for exposing her daughters to the walk of shame!

I was horrified of that thought. I can’t corrupt little girls. That’s what boys are for! I asked Boomp and Ricky Rousse to walk me out, they refused. They thought it would be funny to subject me to trauma. So I did the only thing I could, I went and woke Maldonado up. I jumped on his bed and scared the shit out of him. The way Maldonado tells the story from when we got back to his place is actually quite hilarious to listen to.

Maldonado: I was trying to cuddle with Lynx on the love seat. I was caressing her left tit and I totally thought I was gonna get lucky. But you know what? Lynx, you wouldn’t even cuddle! Why would you ask someone to cuddle if you’re not going to do it?? 3 hours later I wake up to Lynx hovering over me, “I don’t want to do a walk of shame!” It’s not a walk of shame when we didn’t do anything!

He wound up walking me to the door which in hindsight I think was actually worse. His little sisters were probably thinking, “Who is this girl that Maldonado is saying goodbye to? Why did she sleep here? What did they do? Is this his new girlfriend? When can I have boys stay over?” And his mother was probably thinking, “This fucking slut, why did Maldonado bring her back here? She could have at least had the decency to wait to leave so my daughters don’t have to see her.” Believe me, this has scarred me for life. I never want to wake up from a night of partying again and have to face someone’s mother and little sisters.

Jonathan Goldman Turns 21!!

The other night Lynx & Crew were out in Wrigleyville celebrating Jonathan’s Goldman’s 21st birthday. We did a mini-barcrawl and it was the second place we stopped that warrants a mention in my chronicles.

Since living in the city, Jonathan Goldman has always wanted to go to Cubby Bear. It’s not my type of place, although it is a staple of Wrigleyville. So we honored his request and when we showed up, this reggae band was playing. There was maybe roughly 30 people there, half of whom I rolled in with. Honey dragged all the girls out to the dance floor, where I got creeped out by guys coming up to us and I headed back to the bar so that I would be left alone.

One minute I’m talking to Kooter Kake and the next I’m talking to a bachelor party. I don’t remember how it started and I couldn’t even tell you what was said, although I did diss the groom-to-be because he was from Michigan and some doofus was a Hoosier. They looked like idiots in these bright red t-shirts which they had specialized for the “Bachelor Party Bar Crawl.” One of the guys, forgot his name, got all up in my space. But it was okay, he was a pretty guy. And that’s when one by one my friends came up to us, saying it was time to go. G-Spot. Once wasn’t enough. Ricky Rousse. Twice wasn’t enough either. When Sloppy Shot came up, I still had half a beer left and I was in the middle of a conversation with a guy.

Sloppy Shot: Come on, we gotta go.
Lynx: I still have to finish my drink. -looks to bachelor party guy-
Sloppy Shot: Is it the only thing that’s keeping you from going to the next bar?
Lynx: …Yes… -meaning no-

And then he took my drink from my hand and finished my beer! And then he basically dragged me out of Cubby Bear! I didn’t even wait til we had turned the corner (Cubby Bear stands on the corner of Clark and Addison) before I started yelling.

Lynx: Why the fuck did you do that?!
Sloppy Shot: You were talking to douchebags!
Lynx: AND THAT’S A REASON TO COCKBLOCK ME??
Sloppy Shot: Uh…they were douchebags…that should be enough reason.
Lynx: But that’s perfect! They don’t want to stay til the morning!

I kept yelling as we crossed the street. I was still yelling when we came to Goose Island and discovered it was closed. I didn’t care who heard, the hobos or the skanks or the bros, anyone and everyone on Clark Street heard that I had been cockblocked. It escalated when we went into Mullen’s. G-Spot and Ricky Rousse cornered me to calm me down. At least I think it was Ricky Rousse? It may have been Boomp.

G-Spot: Would you rather have fun with your friends or have sex with a douchebag?
Lynx: …Yeah I choose sex.
Boomp/Ricky Rousse: But it’s Jonathan Goldman’s birthday. Don’t you want to be there for him?
Lynx: But it was a fucking bachelor party!

Let me first of all say, I fucking love Jonathan Goldman like I love Tucker Max. Jonathan Goldman is like a god in my eyes. I was just Hurricane Bitch out of control. Of course Jonathan Goldman & Crew are more important than random ass with a stranger who went to Mizzou! But my poor vag, they all had someone to go home to! After Mullen’s we stopped at Taco Bell for drunk munchies. On our way out, I saw the bachelor party come in. My ire was reawakened. Hurricane Bitch came out and Ricky Rousse and I got into a physical altercation back at Jonathan Goldman’s apartment. Lesson here? They obviously didn’t pay attention to Scruffelhauser’s words “You don’t want to get in Lynx’s way when she wants to get laid.”

Tiki House Visit

August 2006

It was the beginning of move-in weekend at NIU. I was partying it up at the Kutcher House despite having just transferred to another school. I was standing outside talking to some of the Kutcher guys when I received a text from Jack, wanting to meet up later that night. He just started graduate school at NIU but his dumbass went home to Carol Stream for the weekend, while I went to Dekalb in hopes of running into him. Ironic. I moved quickly and texted Leo, I knew he was in town visiting his fraternity, the Tiki House.

Lynx: We should totally fuck tonight.
Leo: I’m in Dekalb, what about you?
Lynx: 4 houses down, with the Kutcher Boys.
Leo: Come on over, I’ll be on the third floor.

I met up with him and his best friend, Jean-Luc, in some brother’s room. Of course it was filled with girls. I sat next to Leo on the couch while Jean-Luc handed me beers. I was a little uncomfortable only because even though I had been to the Tiki House enough, they were not my friends and I still was a Kutcher girl. I  didn’t know these girls that kept putting their hands on Leo and telling him how hot he was. I found the whole thing entertaining. I remember thinking if I had cared about him at this point in time, I should have been jealous. But I didn’t give a damn. However I was growing impatient. I thought I was going to show up, have a beer, bone, and then get back to the Kutcher House. He was actually making me hang out with everyone.

When people began passing out, Leo tried finding a place for us to go. He graduated the previous spring and no longer lived at the house. We ran into a brother who was going to some skank’s apartment and said we could have his room. If I took the time to think about it, I could tell you how many months it had been since Leo and I saw each other last. We had just gotten reacquainted with each other through AIM a couple weeks earlier. I knew that Leo hadn’t had sex in 5 or 6 months due to a pregnancy scare with some other girl. He wanted to get back into the game and I was more than willing to help a “friend” out.

Leo tried to kiss me. Since he made me wait, I wasn’t in the mood for the usual moves that lead to sex. It was happening and it sure as hell didn’t need kissing to initiate it. I was drunk and climbed on top of him. We fucked a lot that night, it still holds my record, but I can’t remember if we started with clothes on or if it all came off later. I was wearing a skirt that night, so it’s possible I rode him with it on. The frat house doesn’t have air conditioning and the room we fucked in only had a ceiling fan which didn’t do us any good.

After having sex the third time (but not the last time), I lay on the futon, spent and satisfied. I was too tired to move away from Leo. On the verge of drifting to sleep, I heard someone at the door playing with the knob. It was locked so this drunk resourceful person successfully keyed the door (why did I never have this luck??). Leo and I were completely nude when the drunk person, a Tiki brother, walked in on us. He was pretty surprised at the sight of us. I didn’t try to cover myself, it was way too damn hot.

Tiki Brother: What the hell is going on here?
Leo: Umm…
Tiki Brother: Dude [room's owner] said I could crash here.
Leo: Yeah…I’m sorry man. As you can see the room’s a bit occupied. I owe you next time!

After he left we had sex again, and again, and again- well you get the point. I would have loved to tell you we fucked that many times without kissing once, and you can blame me for this one, but his face was way too close to mine so I just went for his mouth. And as I once told Boomp, “It didn’t mean anything!” It’s good that Leo was able to unleash on me. After I was dropped off at my car in the morning, Leo and Jean-Luc went paintballing. It was Leo’s first time and lucky him, he got shot in the dick. It was blue and black for a while.

Ando Almost Kills The Lynx

January/February 2005

Leela and I were drinking at the Kutcher House. For whatever reason Leela and I stepped outside and saw that Ando, brother in the House of David, was outside drunk having a smoke next to his car. At the time these two fraternities were right next to each other. We ran over to him to say hi. I jumped on him in my excitement. Now Ando is a big guy. Large in physique and muscular.  I thought he could handle a 140 pound girl. Yeah well I jump on him and the next thing I know, BAM! The fucker dropped me on the car! He wasn’t prepared for all that Lynx loving. When he fell, he twisted and we landed on the car. The wind was knocked out of me because Ando’s large body was crushing me.

Ando: Oh my God, are you okay?
Lynx: -can’t breathe-
Ando: Lynx, ARE YOU OKAY??
Lynx: -still can’t breathe-
Ando: Say something!
Lynx: Dying!
Ando: Oh my God! I killed Lynx!

Jumping on drunk people is a bad idea. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t learn my lesson. I’ve been dropped/fallen since this night.