Chronicles of the Lynx
A conversation about Floppy
Lynx: He’s up for hanging out but doesn’t want to go downtown
Oscara: Niceee Have him to come and hang out at your place? You know he is probably expecting to get some, right?
Lynx: Yeah
Oscara: Ok lol
Lynx: Mama’s overdue
Oscara: hahahaha Love it
Lynx: And she is going to make his dick work
Oscara: I believe in him! lol and no studded condoms this time lol
Lynx: You fucked her in the ass? Dammit Bad-Ass
Bad-Ass: LOL no. Don’t think I’ll really try with this one. I tried with two other girls and both of them thought I literally was trying to rip them a new one. Goddamn, it’s a WMD.
Lynx:…Not funny. Warheads go missing.
Bad-Ass: LMAO Think I found one. That’s it. I rename my dick with each new girl. This time, it’s going to be: The Warhead.
Lynx: Is this the lame ass shit I’m missing out on by being single?
Yesterday was Trap Bitch’s birthday. All the Hoosiers were over at JLo and E’s place grilling and playing Sink the Biz. Unfortunately for me, E bought a case of Busch Light and I was drinking it. Surprisingly by number 3, it didn’t taste like shit anymore and I was disturbed by this fact. I wasn’t too social because of the Cubs vs. Cardinals game and the Sox vs. Rays game. I don’t think they’ve ever seen a girl so dedicated to baseball for a day. The guys were filtering in and out, occasionally stopping to see what I was up to. The new Hoosier thing to say was, “Get it on!” They yelled that at each other, they yelled it at me, then they yelled at strangers walking by.
Hoosier 1: “GET IT ON!”
Hoosier 2: “Why aren’t you GETTING IT ON?!”
Hoosier 3: “Gotta get it on! No choice! GET IT ON!”
One of the times inside the apartment it was just myself, JLo and E. The conversation of fingering girls came up. E made a motion with his pointer finger and middle finger. I asked him, “You use those fingers to stick it in a vag?” He said yes and explained why a middle finger and ring finger sequence wasn’t very successful. For whatever reason I had always thought guys used the second sequence. They both thought I was dumb for thinking this, “How do you not know what a guy uses on you?” My only response was “Hey, I don’t question the pleasure I get!”
I texted Boomp, Mr. Wiggles, and Junior, “Survey, don’t ask. What fingers do you use to stick a vag?” for their opinions on the matter. Perhaps this wasn’t as universal as E and JLo were claiming. They all texted back the pointer finger and the middle finger. Or in Boomp’s case, “Maybe the ring finger gets involved if I’m feeling frisky.” The consensus also was that if three fingers could get in on the first attempt, the vag was way too loose. And it prolly had been tore up by a Black guy. That was not something they wanted to compete with. Or the girl was a complete slut.
Another time, E, JLo and Kreepster were in the room. I made a comment about how the average size was 5.5 inches for limp dicks. They looked at me like I was crazy.
Kreepster: “You are out of your league, you don’t know what you’re talking about!”
JLo: “That’s impossible, who are you fucking?”
E: “I don’t think those guys are limp when you get to them, Lynx. There’s no way.”
Lynx: “A dick can’t grow to be 10 inches if it’s only 5. Why do you keep saying that? It doesn’t have to be 10 inches!”
JLo: “If a dick is 5.5 inches, how big do you think it’s going to get?”
Lynx: “6 inches. Maybe 7.5 max.”
E: “You’re so wrong Lynx!”
Kreepster: ”I’ve seen limp dicks in the shower. No one ever had a 5.5 limp dick.”
JLo: “A 5.5 inch limp dick does not get to be 7 inches. No guy is 5.5 inches when he’s limp. That’s too big for a limp dick! He would be over 10 inches! I eat pussy and still don’t know how it works, but I’ve been jerking off since 7 and I know this guy!”
I called up Bad-Ass and put him on speakerphone.
Lynx: “They’re telling me that there’s no such thing as a 5.5 inch limp dick. What are your thoughts?”
Bad-Ass: “That’s fucking ridiculous. You would have a 10 inch monster inside you!”
JLo: “See! Bad-Ass knows!”
Throughout this the rest of the Hoosiers shared their thoughts, which followed the lines of JLo, Kreepster, and E. Pimpin walked into the room and he asked to be caught up on the conversation. He wanted to know why we were talking about dicks. Once brought up to speed, he said, “You’re lucky if I’m 4 inches coming out of a warm shower.”
At the end of the night, E was leaning against me, ready to crash from all his drinking. He started talking about a girl he was seeing. When asked if any he’d gotten any P in the VaG, he said nonchalantly but with certainty,
E: ”She was on the rag before but I’m gonna fuck her next week.”
Lynx: “Get. It. On!”
This is another Bad-Ass/Lynx exchange. Bad-Ass likes pretend he’s “working” but is always chatting on Facebook and watching The Daily Show while he’s on the company clock. I was looking over a log (yes I log my AIM conversations, how else am I supposed to remember what people say to me?), it was a conversation I had with a guy named Spencer. I was digging the guy and I felt that he had been trying to play a cat and mouse game with me. I was re-reading to see if there was something I had missed in-between the lines.
Lynx: I should do ‘Anatomy of a Conversation.’
In line 7 begins his ascent into douchebaggery. By line 11, he is in full swing and wields the douchebag factor like a blue whale and its 8 foot cock.*
Bad-Ass: LMAO What?! I kinda hope that’s about me, at least I inspired you to something so funny!
Lynx: Suuure
Bad-Ass: Where’d you get that from?
Lynx: Me reading Sunday night’s conversation with Spencer, and me trying not to feel shammed.
* Google the size of a blue whale penis. You’ll find that I’m right.
But not in the way you’re probably thinking.
My preference for dick size isn’t a secret. 7-8 inches. The average size of a penis is what, 5.5-6.5 inches? When guys start talking about 9 inch dongs and shit, I get very turned off. Just because someone has a big dick doesn’t mean they are an amazing fucker. What good is a dick then if a guy can’t use it? I have purposely stayed away from “big dicks” for this reason. If I can’t be guaranteed a good time, I don’t want it!
One morning I was getting ready for work at a gentleman’s place. There were some condom wrappers on the floor. Not a first. I remember being half asleep one time and after seeing a wrapper on the floor from a distance, I thought to myself, “Why does he keep getting generic condoms? What the hell is wrong with Trojans?”
These are the kind of condoms I was used to seeing.
Back to me getting ready for work. I reached down to grab my jacket on the floor as the gentleman was half-sleeping. I saw that one of the wrappers was by my jacket.
As I was bent over, I finally looked at the condom to see what brand it was.
Gentleman: “What’s up?”
Lynx: “I knew you had a big dick, but damn, I didn’t realize it was that BIG!”
Gentleman: “Um…what?”
Lynx: “Nothing, I have to go into work!”
