Crazy Bitch Neighbors, Part 2

September 2004

My neighbor Max, showed up stoned on my doorstep one night after the bars closed. He had been crushing on me since I moved in. Funny tidbit, I hooked up with another guy in his room before I ever met him. Max was out of town that weekend, and his roommate had some friends from Plainfield staying over. Well I took a fancy to one of those friends, and Max’s roommate walked in on me with the guy’s head between my legs.

So anyway, Max and I were talking in my room when all of a sudden we heard banging followed by, “STUPID BITCH! THAT’S MY BOYFRIEND! Get out here! Fucking Whore! She’s gonna screw my boyfriend!”

It was my townhouse door that some dumb bitch was banging on. I looked out my window and sure enough one of the A-Bitches was outside screaming her head off. I couldn’t believe it. I mind my own business and stay drama-free, but somehow dumb bitches keep flocking to me like porn stars love to deep throat. I don’t get it!

I was not entirely happy to have some bitch banging on my door, and even more unhappy that she was claiming Max was her boyfriend. I knew it wasn’t the truth, but seeing as how there was an elephant in the room, I had to address it.

Lynx: Is she your girlfriend?
Max: No.
Lynx: Then why is she saying that she is?
Max: I don’t know, she’s fucking crazy.
Lynx: Do you have a girlfriend I should know about?
Max: No. Do you have a boyfriend who’s going to beat my ass?
Lynx: -laughs- I don’t do boyfriends. You can kiss me now.

I guess I can look back on all of this and laugh about it. Some crazy bitch trying to sabotage me. My friends wonder why I have such a strong hatred of dumb bitches. It’s because of incidents like these: girls who are jealous that guys aspire for something more than a crazy bitch!

Scooby Douche

Fall 2004

Scooby Douche was a guy I mooned over for a semester. We hooked up a few times, he was the most gorgeous guy I had ever seen. He had awesome shaggy hair, cherub angel lips, and these amazing blue-green eyes. He was from the Gentlemen House which upped my desire for him. Upon finding out about a “Conquer List” that my roommate and I had, I liked him enough to tell him that he was not a “conquest” to me. He did knock out two categories for me, but I relinquished my notches of “Shaggy Hair” and “Gentlemen House.” Scooby Douche is the reason why I stopped giving guys the benefit of a doubt. He would go on to be an Abercrombie & Fitch model. Or so I was told.

There was a slight incident when me and my roommate Leela were at his townhouse. His roommates were throwing a party so a lot of their fraternity brothers and random people were there. Scooby Douche and I were having a fall out. I was trying to talk to him and his crazy bitch ass neighbor was all over his nuts. Leela and I called this crazy bitch neighbor, Pinnochio, because she had a huge Gonzo nose and she was ugly as shit. Scooby Douche didn’t even want her!

I felt like I was in enemy territory. A few weeks before I had gone through some shit with another female neighbor of his, who was jealous of me. And now this slut was throwing herself at him. These girls did not want Scooby Douche and I to be alone together. He finally managed to pull me out to the back porch, so we could talk without Gonzo noses distracting us.

At the same time, Leela was bitching at one of Scooby Douche’s roommates, Marino. They were friends, and it was through them that Scooby Douche and I met in the first place. Marino had been in love with Leela and when she rejected him, he found himself a substitute. We didn’t like the girl, because she was a dirty slut. We also knew that she was cheating on him with another frat boy: our friend Simba, from the House of David.

Leela: “Who the hell is that slut? Why is she all over Scooby Douche’s cock? Is he fucking playing my girl?”

When Marino didn’t give her any good answers, she threw it in his face that his slut girlfriend was hooking up with Simba. She came to find me. We left and when we got home, she wrote a lovely poem to cheer me up.

Leela’s poem:

There once was a boy,
Kind of looked like part of the Scooby Crew
Was part of the team until he realized
There were no Asian girls in it to screw,
Once he noticed that his right hand
Just couldn’t give him the big “O,”
He was attacked by his neighbor
Who closely resembles Pinnochio.
Disgusted and appalled, he looked to
His roommate to cockblock
But the roomie was pissed cause his girl was
Sucking a House of David boy’s cock.

Crazy Bitch Neighbors, Part 1

August 2004

Warning: This account is full of drama

Upon moving into our townhouse Leela and I did not get along with our female neighbors. I don’t know how it happened, it just did. Our hot neighbor, whose name escapes me now (and turned out to be such a HUGE douchebag that he doesn’t even get a fake name), brought the girls to our door. There were 3 of them, and it was obvious to Leela and I that they didn’t care about meeting us. I’ll even go as far as to say they thought we were threats. They turned all their attention on our hot neighbor who was an acquaintance of ours from freshman year and snubbed us. So we shut our door and continued drinking inside. Well apparently, we found out months later that, these girls thought we had been the rude ones.

Collectively, we called these girl the “A-Bitches” because they lived in section A. Within the first three weeks of living in together, there was an altercation in the parking lot between us and the A-Bitches. After this night, very bad blood existed. Unfortunately, there was nothing funny about this night. Leela was having some problems with a boyfriend that she had recently broken up with. It was a rather rough break-up, and he wanted to come over to talk to her. Leela had me go with her to get him from the parking lot, because she knew the A-Bitches were outside.

We overheard them talking about us as we came out. They continued to be catty when Leela saw her ex for the first time since the break-up, calling us names in front of him. I won’t deny that I was surprised by the level of hostility and lack of manners in front of her ex. In fact, I got pretty angry. Leela wanted me to ignore it. She wasn’t one for direct and hostile confrontations. I heard them still talking about us as we were turning to head back, and I snapped.

Bitch 1: “There go the sluts.”
Lynx: “Shut the fuck up!”
Bitch 1: “What?”
Lynx: “FUCK YOU!!”
Bitch 1:“You want to say that again?!”
Lynx: “Why are you such a dumb bitch?? You don’t even fucking know us, what the hell is your problem?? “
Bitch 2: -jumps in my face- “What did you just say?!”
Lynx: “Are you a fucking retarded whore? We never did anything to you!! Why are you calling us sluts when you don’t even know us?!”
Bitch 2: “You’re the ones who have guys walking in and out of your apartment!”
Lynx: “OUR FRIENDS coming over isn’t any of your business stupid skank, why don’t you go suck a dick, FUCKING JEALOUS BITCH!”

Bitch 2 was still in my face, she wanted to fight and I wasn’t going to back down. No one talks to my friends like that and I wasn’t a bitch to be messed around with. Leela and I were pretty much each other’s only girl friend. The rest of our friends were all guys and 75% of them were all in fraternities. So was there any truth to the A-Bitches saying a lot of guys were coming over to our place? Yes. Our guy friends did come over to hang out. Did we fuck them? I can only speak for myself, but I sure as hell did not. These girls thought they could intimidate us, being that they were older or maybe they thought they were more bad-ass. Bitch 3, however, couldn’t handle it and she came to drag Bitch 2 away from me. Bitch 2 of course kept screaming shit as she was being dragged away. Leela in turn pulled on my arm to make me go back inside.

It wasn’t quite a promising start to the school year and this was by no means the last of the drama with the A-Bitches.

Tiffany (Jealousy Gets the Best of Me Again)

I was out with Langdon and some of his buddies at a hotel bar in Bloomingdale. His friend Kilometre really digs some chicks that work there. One minute I’m talking to Tad (one of Langdon’s roommates) and then I look over to Langdon who at that moment is being handed a piece of folded up napkin from some random girl.

Langdon opens this napkin up and it says “Tiffany — — —-” Then he put the napkin in his pocket and I had a “What the fuck” moment in my head. I’m pretty drunk at this point, drunk off warm Miller Lite drafts and the bartender’s drink, “Kalene’s Special.” I surprised even myself by how jealous I was to see this, but once the Green-eyed beast was out there was nothing I could do until it went back in its cage.

Lynx: “What are you doing?”
Langdon: “What?”
Lynx: “I saw that!”
Langdon: “I don’t know what her deal is, I haven’t even talked to her.”
Lynx: “Uhh why did you stick it in your pocket? Why didn’t you throw it away?”
Langdon: “Was I supposed to be rude and do that in front of her?”

He took the napkin back out and tossed it to me. I then threw it back at him and said, “Whatever. I can sleep on the couch.” And then turned away to do some angry texting. Langdon tried to stop me so that I could give him my full attention to talk about what happened, I angrily pulled away from him and stalked off to do my texting in the bathroom.

When I got back to the bar area, Langdon had already told the guys (Slim, Kilometre, and Tad) what was going on. Tad took it upon himself to smooth the situation over by placing himself next to this Tiffany girl, and I imagine told her all about how Langdon and I were together. Langdon was trying to talk to me, to see if I was mad at him for something he didn’t do, “Why do you always have to send your friends derogatory texts about me? They all hate me because of you and your texts!”

I wasn’t so much mad at him, I was really mad at the situation and I was taking it out on him. Not fair, I know! But I was drunk and upset! Langdon took the napkin back out again and flicked it across the room so I could see that he wanted nothing to do with this girl. Then he said, “Are you going to make me wait 9 years just to have another chance with you?”

Tiffany saw him chuck away her number-on-a-napkin and came over and said to him- without even looking at me, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to give you trouble.” And I was like, oh great, I’m the asshole now! Langdon and I left shortly after that.

Back at the townhouse, Tad had called me trying to get us to come back out and give them a ride. I didn’t want to deal with it so I put Langdon on the phone and proceeded to lie down on the kitchen floor because I couldn’t stand anymore, I was so drunk. Langdon got off the phone with Tad and laid down next to me, gave me some kisses and then tried to get me to move.

Langdon: “Come on, let’s get off the floor.”
Lynx: “Fine. But I’m not fucking you tonight. And I’m not sucking your dick!”
Langdon: “You never suck my dick anyway!”
Lynx: “Not this year!!”
Langdon: “Psh, you still didn’t suck my dick!”
Lynx: “I sucked your dick last year!”

We managed to work everything out when we went to bed.

Movie Watching with Simba

Fall 2005

One evening Leela and I were sitting around our townhouse and Simba came over to hang out. Leela and I were discussing some guys who had come over to “watch movies” aka we totally hooked up with them. And then Simba had an epiphany, it seemed a little too odd and too coincidental that many girls had asked him to also “watch movies” and no movie watching had ever really happened between him and these girls. So he asked us about it, when we ask guys to hang out and watch a movie, is that really our intent? Or do we have an agenda that doesn’t really involve watching movies. We told him that of course we had another motive for watching movies with guys and that obviously was to sex them!

Now Simba was a HUGE player. He had multiple girls running around, crazy about his nuts. He was like the Pick-Up Artist if you will. One of the many that we knew. He played all these girls, thinking he was the man and that girls were too stupid to ever use him, the way that he used them. Well, me and Leela got him to thinking about this. Perhaps, he had been played all along…and here was his reaction:

You girls are wild. You girls be on some shit. Man, I knew it! Man, I thought it was just me! “Come over for this, come over for that,” I ain’t neva done what they told me to come over for. Why can’t you jus’ say it??? Man this one bitch text’d me when I was sitting right next to her! Why is it when a nigga be looking for it he don’t find none, and when he jus’ wants to play video games or even jus’ scratch his balls you gotta go looking for him?? Man, when you jus wanna relax and shit that’s when you get 12 phone calls, 50 texts, people dropping by that you don’t even think about! Y’all be on some slick shit, man you girls be plottin’. Guys don’t have time for that.

Needless to say, Leela and I continued to do the “watch a movie” thing. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it!

Dawn Doe

I can count on one hand how many guys I’ve been in some way, shape or form, crazy over. I don’t even have to use all my fingers. Here is an instance where I lost my cool.

I have talked about this guy before, but I will not reveal his name. I will call him Guy #3. Well Guy #3 was easy to talk to and he made me laugh, which I suppose reading that description it could describe just about anyone. These are general characteristics that I like in all my men. Sorry to be sappy for a moment, but he was like a kindred spirit in many ways. We got along well, I think is the easiest way to describe it. He read books and was into politics. That’s so hard to come by!

I don’t come off as the jealous type, which is not to say that I never feel the emotion, I am just better than other people at hiding it in plain sight. I’ll be the first to admit that should the Green-Eyed Monster take hold of me, it gets pretty bad. As I said before, I do a really good job of hiding it on the surface/in public, but you get me alone and it comes out with the strength of ten hurricanes. Now in this day and age of Facebook and Myspace, let’s be honest, it makes it easy to notice things- more specifically, notice written exchanges that females may be making with “my guy.” It just makes the Green-Eyed Monster flare up and rage.

On such an occasion I saw this one girl, Dawn, being all cute and leaving Guy #3 tons of messages. How that got my ire going! This girl seemed to be the epitome of everything I was not: blond, blue eyed, thin as a rail, really preppy, and maybe she had a fake tan or two. This girl was a threat to me. I wanted to know my enemy, I wanted to see what I was up against, so I could determine whether I could muster up the courage to actually fight for a guy. In short, I wasn’t going to let this bitch have Guy #3.

The Green-Eyed Monster came out to play. Dawn went to the same school as G-Spot. In my quest to know more about this girl, I tried to look at her Facebook profile. I’ll admit it. I fucking creeped on Facebook over this guy. Not being in any of Dawn’s networks, of course I wasn’t able to see her profile. Instead of being defeated, I decided to forge on. So I sent G-Spot an instant message. Our conversation went roughly like this (there’s going to be slight embellishment as I can’t remember verbatim everything that was said):

Lynx: Don’t ask questions. I’m having a girl moment right now. I need you to look at someone’s profile from U of I.
G-Spot: Okay, who is it?
Lynx: Dawn Doe.
G-Spot: Dawn Doe? Are you serious? I know this girl, I’m friends with her.
Lynx: What the fuck? You know her? YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH HER?? (at this point it felt as if the whole world were conspiring against me)
G-Spot: Yeah… why are you freaking out?
Lynx: It has to do with a guy. HOW DO YOU KNOW HER?? How could you do this to me! That fucking slut! That bitch isn’t going to have him!
G-Spot: It was over mom’s weekend. Me and the guys were at a bar with some MILFs and I hit on Dawn’s mom.
Lynx: -laughing out loud- What a fucking small world. Just my luck that you would be fucking friends with this girl who may be interested in a guy I like. And you made a move on the mom!

Well the only good thing that came out of this was that I found out Dawn Doe wasn’t going to battle it out with me for this guy. And until now, G-Spot and I were pretty much the only souls who knew the depths of my jealous curiosities and rage.