Chronicles of the Lynx
Text from earlier in the day, from me to Bad-Ass: I’m not gonna be a mother, happy birthday to me! 
Bad-Ass: What’s this about not being preggers?
Lynx: haha I’m not preggers 
Did I not tell you that I had to get Plan B because Floppy is trying to make Flop-A-Lynxettes with me?
Bad-Ass: LOL You say it like he’s breeding you
Lynx: Dude he totally is trying to sire bastard children!
Bad-Ass: Sow his wild oats in you lol
I was listening to my colleague bitch about a 70 page reading we had to do in Criminal Law. Our prof usually gives us 20 pages of reading to do, so the jump to 70 was quite a big deal. The chapter is titled Sexual Offenses.
Guy: Get cracking!
Lynx: Well when I get home at 2 or 3, I have the rest of the day and night to work on Crim. I’ll try and come up with some questions for grandpa (our prof), “So say there’s two horny kids…”
Guy: Haha. Hypos.That could go awfully wrong tomorrow
Lynx: I thought it was interesting that he’s saving sexual offenses for one day. Yeah, I prolly will offend some people who say “Its called lovemaking..not fucking.”
Guy:Haha
Lynx: “Oh excuse me, I FUCK!” lol
On the way home from Alumni, Buttersauce and I drove past 3 fast food places before finally finding a place that was open. As this was going on, a friend of Scruffelhauser’s roommate was texting me to meet up for afterhours. I was wanting some bone city (I’m stealing this term from G-Spot) and I’m pretty sure this guy knew what he would be getting himself into. I had the house to myself for a couple days and instead of driving out to him, I was trying to persuade him with a case of Coors to come over to my place. Which is when this conversation with Buttersauce happened.
Lynx: Dude I don’t want to fuck in my bed. The headboard is too fucking loud, so annoying.
Buttersauce: -laughing-
Lynx: It’s true! Jack came over one night and we started going at it, headboard’s banging against the wall with my brother right next door in his room. My brother comes out and starts pounding on my door and telling me to be quiet.
Buttersauce: Oh my God! He did not!
Lynx: As Jack is fucking me, I’m like, “Dude go watch some tv downstairs!” My brother refuses to go downstairs and I refuse to stop fucking. That damn headboard was so loud my brother heard the entire thing. The headboard could have put a hole in the wall, we were fucking so hard!
March 2009
K-Ho was home for spring break and we went to Hoppe’s for some drinks. Well we had so much fun that when Justin Bobby was shutting down afterhours, K-Ho and I were so drunk that we had no way of getting home. Well one of Justin Bobby’s friends, Alex, offered to let us crash at his place. Alex was a guy I hooked up with last summer, it was one of those things that went nowhere and we were better off for it. I thought it was cool of him to let us stay over. I was drunk out of my mind, there was no way K-Ho and I would have made it anywhere if Alex hadn’t driven us.
We all watched tv for a bit, K-Ho was having some problems so we put her to sleep in Alex’s bed. I crawled in with her when Alex told me to come back out and chill some more. I said that I would be asleep because I was so tired and I thought that was the end of it. I was almost sleeping when I heard my phone ring. It was still outside in the tv room, so I got up to answer it. That’s when Alex pounced on me and the next thing I know, clothes are coming off both parties.
We started getting into the rhythm of things when it got fucking weird for me. As you know, I’m not a big fan of talking during sex. This guy starts saying shit like, “You dirty whore. You’re my dirty whore, aren’t you? You’re such a naughty little girl, you like it don’t you? You like the way I’m fucking you.” And then he would smack my face. HE SMACKED MY FACE WHILE HE CALLED ME A DIRTY WHORE! Now I love spanking. The sting of someone’s hand on my ass as he’s pounding me from behind, that’s hot. But to have someone love tap me on the face?? Fuck, I think I’d rather get a load blown all over it instead. I’ll be honest when I say that I’m used to hearing things like “You’re so hot” and “God, you’re so good at this” while fucking. I was completely willing to overlook the “dirty whore” and “naughty girl” comments, but when he touched my face I got fucking pissed.
Alex stopped briefly, he was overworking himself and needed to grab some water. I saw this as an opportunity to go back to sleep. He watched me in disbelief from the kitchen as I put my clothes back on, and went back into his room to sleep with K-Ho. For future reference, don’t ever fucking touch my face during sex. If there’s a next time, I will rip the guy’s balls off.
August 2006
It was the beginning of move-in weekend at NIU. I was partying it up at the Kutcher House despite having just transferred to another school. I was standing outside talking to some of the Kutcher guys when I received a text from Jack, wanting to meet up later that night. He just started graduate school at NIU but his dumbass went home to Carol Stream for the weekend, while I went to Dekalb in hopes of running into him. Ironic. I moved quickly and texted Leo, I knew he was in town visiting his fraternity, the Tiki House.
Lynx: We should totally fuck tonight.
Leo: I’m in Dekalb, what about you?
Lynx: 4 houses down, with the Kutcher Boys.
Leo: Come on over, I’ll be on the third floor.
I met up with him and his best friend, Jean-Luc, in some brother’s room. Of course it was filled with girls. I sat next to Leo on the couch while Jean-Luc handed me beers. I was a little uncomfortable only because even though I had been to the Tiki House enough, they were not my friends and I still was a Kutcher girl. I didn’t know these girls that kept putting their hands on Leo and telling him how hot he was. I found the whole thing entertaining. I remember thinking if I had cared about him at this point in time, I should have been jealous. But I didn’t give a damn. However I was growing impatient. I thought I was going to show up, have a beer, bone, and then get back to the Kutcher House. He was actually making me hang out with everyone.
When people began passing out, Leo tried finding a place for us to go. He graduated the previous spring and no longer lived at the house. We ran into a brother who was going to some skank’s apartment and said we could have his room. If I took the time to think about it, I could tell you how many months it had been since Leo and I saw each other last. We had just gotten reacquainted with each other through AIM a couple weeks earlier. I knew that Leo hadn’t had sex in 5 or 6 months due to a pregnancy scare with some other girl. He wanted to get back into the game and I was more than willing to help a “friend” out.
Leo tried to kiss me. Since he made me wait, I wasn’t in the mood for the usual moves that lead to sex. It was happening and it sure as hell didn’t need kissing to initiate it. I was drunk and climbed on top of him. We fucked a lot that night, it still holds my record, but I can’t remember if we started with clothes on or if it all came off later. I was wearing a skirt that night, so it’s possible I rode him with it on. The frat house doesn’t have air conditioning and the room we fucked in only had a ceiling fan which didn’t do us any good.
After having sex the third time (but not the last time), I lay on the futon, spent and satisfied. I was too tired to move away from Leo. On the verge of drifting to sleep, I heard someone at the door playing with the knob. It was locked so this drunk resourceful person successfully keyed the door (why did I never have this luck??). Leo and I were completely nude when the drunk person, a Tiki brother, walked in on us. He was pretty surprised at the sight of us. I didn’t try to cover myself, it was way too damn hot.
Tiki Brother: What the hell is going on here?
Leo: Umm…
Tiki Brother: Dude [room's owner] said I could crash here.
Leo: Yeah…I’m sorry man. As you can see the room’s a bit occupied. I owe you next time!
After he left we had sex again, and again, and again- well you get the point. I would have loved to tell you we fucked that many times without kissing once, and you can blame me for this one, but his face was way too close to mine so I just went for his mouth. And as I once told Boomp, “It didn’t mean anything!” It’s good that Leo was able to unleash on me. After I was dropped off at my car in the morning, Leo and Jean-Luc went paintballing. It was Leo’s first time and lucky him, he got shot in the dick. It was blue and black for a while.
Steve Carrell as Andy Stitzer
Lynx: I’m watching 40 Year Old Virgin.
Bad-Ass: And you thought of me, I love you too.
Lynx: I had my first [intercourse] orgasm to this movie.
Bad-Ass: LMAO ARE YOU DRUNK??
Lynx: HOW DO YOU KNOW? …I had a few drinks.
Bad-Ass: I just told the whole room. AH HA HA HA!
Lynx: Asshole!
Myself, Ricky Rousse and Jonathan Goldman were at a wedding this past weekend. We were pretty surprised to learn that Rockford does have some nice places. Franchesco’s was pretty awesome. Aside from the decor and the Sinatra room, they served Ciroq! As we were explaining the significance of Ciroq to a new friend (Vodka Night- to be written about, Boomp’s birthday), Ricky Rousse shared something that I had completely forgotten.
Ricky Rousse: There was this huge bottle, it was a fifth of Ciroq-
Lynx: It was bigger than a handle.
Ricky Rousse: Okay so it was like two-fifths. So this bottle was pretty much gone in the first half hour. We were going to use the rest of it for shots when Lynx comes in wanting some more for her cranberry vodka. I told her that the rest of the vodka was being used for shots, she got all pissed and bitched at us, “What the fuck am I gonna mix with my cranberry vodka?! Fuck it, I’m going to switch to beer and then I’m gonna fuck some random guy!!” Then she stormed off. Me and Jonathan Goldman looked at each other like “What the fuck just happened here?”
Lynx: Oh my god -laughing- Did I really do that? I don’t remember at all!
Ricky Rousse: You were being such a bitch. You were acting like just because you were drinking beer meant you had to go fuck someone. You can drink beer and not fuck someone!
