February 2009
As you may know, I organized an Anti-Valentine’s Day party this year. I haven’t had a boyfriend or sweetheart in a long time, so I’ve been flowerless and romantic dinnerless for the past 5 years. I also haven’t ever gotten laid on Valentine’s Day. So as you can imagine, I’m not too excited when this day comes around. E thought we should get wasted because of how pathetic it was that we were all single on Valentine’s Day. This was not the direction I wanted to go, I didn’t want people crying this night. It was more a celebration of being single. The plan was that we would start off at Uncle Fatty’s and then go to Hang Uppe’s for after hours. I invited all the Kutcher House boys, while Bad-Ass and Papa Tom came in from St. Louis with their buddy Stud.
We decided to meet up with K-Ho at JLo and E’s apartment, however since we were behind schedule, the guys were at Uncle Fatty’s when we arrived in the city. JLo said that he left the back door open for us in case we needed to stop in for anything. Well we walked around to the back, and we’re standing in the alley when we discover that there’s a gated door and it’s locked. Bad-Ass jumps over the fence and lets us in. It was like he was channeling Jackie Chan. It was amazing. Thank God, he was able to do that. There was no way K-Ho or I was going to climb that fence in high heels.
Once inside the grounds, I started running up the stairs. I realized after a couple flights that I didn’t know which one was JLo and E’s back door. I went to a door I thought was perhaps theirs, but it was locked. So I started trying to open ALL the doors on that floor. They were all locked. Then it hit me that I was on the wrong side of the building. I ran down the stairs and across the yard to another set of stairs. I couldn’t remember what letter the apartment was, so I wasn’t much better than my first attempt of trying to open random doors. Bad-Ass was the one who found the magic door and we took shelter from the fucking cold.
Bad-Ass: “Yeah I’m better than the natives. I climbed a fucking wall and broke in to a random apartment!”
We started drinking a little bit as K-Ho changed out of her work clothes. When she was done, she asked if she was missing anything. I went through the checklist: lipstick, money, ID. She had everything and then Bad-Ass chimed in “What about me?” K-Ho and I answered him at the same time.
K-Ho: “Money?”
Lynx: “Magnums?”
Bad-Ass: “Check and check. Wow, we all know where your minds are at.”
Lynx: “Hey the condoms are the most important thing. Screw money!”
We piled into a cab and arrived at Uncle Fatty’s. On top of being graced with the presence of the St. Louis boys, JLo and E, Beer Muscles brought some of his friends from home, Pavel surprisingly showed up, and Alfonso came down from Madison. K-Ho and I started catching up with drinks. Stud went balls out and was downing drinks like a fish. This portion of the night, while my most sober, I can’t remember many of the details. Alfonso was mad at me over something at happened at my graduation party, 8 months earlier. We had gone to the bars and the Kutcher boys left to go to the casino. I didn’t think they were coming back, so my friends called it a night kinda early since we had a big event the next day (glorious Field Day which will be told one day). Well oops, my bad, after 2 hours they left the casino but I was already on my way back home and was not going to go back out when I had to be up early to help set up. I think I caught up with Pavel for a little bit, but I couldn’t tell you what we talked about. I know JLo, E, K-Ho and I did O-bombs. I also know that I was one of those drunken girls who fall over themselves. I did a complete wipeout.
I was standing next to E at one point and was telling me about the line he was using that night, “It’s so crowded in here but I feel so alone.” I could already tell that it wasn’t a very successful line and told him that if he wanted to remain optimistic about meeting a chick that was down to fuck, he needed to think of a new line.
After a while, the St. Louis boys disappeared. Apparently Stud had drunk way too much, way too fast and was puking outside. Beer Muscles and company wanted to leave for Hang Uppe’s and it was only 1 AM. They started disappearing and hopping in cabs. Pavel, K-ho and I decided to share one and just before I got inside the cab, out of nowhere Bad-Ass is running at me, yelling my name.
Bad-Ass: “Lynx! Where are you going??”
Lynx: “Hang Uppe’s! But you won’t fit in this cab with us.”
Bad-Ass: “You’re leaving us??”
Lynx: “You can follow me…in another cab…”
Bad-Ass: “You’re leaving us in the city? Stud needs to lie down, he’s not going to make it to Hang Uppe’s. We don’t know how to get back to JLo’s apartment! You can’t leave us!”
Lynx: “Umm…[JLo and E’s address]. Use the back door to get in. Bye!”
When we saw the line at Hang Uppe’s I said, “Fuck it, let’s go somewhere else. I don’t want to wait in line. It’s fucking cold!” Pavel suggested going to a place called Mothers, and we headed in that direction. Being completely drunk I tried to just walk in. The bouncer asked me for $5 and I told him that I didn’t want a footlong. As in a footlong from Subway. He thought I meant dick. Awkward!
K-Ho and I walked into the place and immediately this Smooth Guy came over, complimenting her. “Oh you’re so hot and I just had to say hi.” Beer Muscles or Pavel were getting us drinks and so I turned my attention to them when Smooth Guy’s friend came up to talk to me.
Smooth Guy’s Friend: “Hey, how’s it going?”
Lynx: “Good. Yourself?”
Smooth Guy’s Friend: “The same, so how do you know these guys?”
Lynx: “They’re from the same fraternity, I was their neighbor.”
Smooth Guy’s Friend: “Oh that’s cool.”
Lynx: “You know what, I know the wingman business, you don’t have to talk to me. It’s totally unnecessary.”
Smooth Guy’s Friend: “Yeah you got me, I’m trying to be the wingman. Thanks for calling me out.”
And then Smooth Guy’s Friend said something that really pissed me off. I heard him call me a “frat ride,” meaning he thought I was some house slut. This is an issue I’ve come to blows over ( I once punched Beer Muscles in the face) , so it’s not cool when someone automatically assumes I’m some dumb bitch groupie.
Lynx: “Just because I had a lot of frattys for friends doesn’t mean I was a frat ride.”
Smooth Guy’s Friend: “I didn’t call you a frat ride. I called you a frat girl.”
Lynx: “Okay you can go fuck yourself. Your friend isn’t going to get any pussy from my girl over there.”
I called Pavel over and told him the situation. I then told him to go cockblock Smooth Guy. K-Ho overheard me and was like, “Oh my God, yes please, I need a cockblock from this guy!”
I signed up to do karaoke. And then realized that I had to donate $20 to charity for picking a slow song (Faithfully by Journey). That wasn’t going to happen. They also were taking forever and I didn’t know how much longer I would be awake. E said he would leave with me, and then I got sidetracked by some people I knew making out. The guilty parties will not be named. I ran into JLo who said he was leaving. I found out that E totally left Mothers without me, so I went back with JLo.
The cab ride home was not good. I don’t know what crawled up his ass but JLo was being a straight up bitch. Something was wrong and he wouldn’t tell me, even after I asked him repeatedly. He just glowered at me and wouldn’t say a word. We got back to the apartment and he began slamming doors and storming around angrily. He began yelling at the St. Louis boys because Stud was lying on the bathroom floor next to the toilet. Bad-Ass had run out to get munchies, and I texted him to get me a steak quesedilla from Burriot House. E was just sitting on the couch, watching all of this. I don’t think he fully comprehended what was happening. However I was horrified. I had never seen JLo angry like this. EVER. Out of all of my groups of friends, I’m the one who was prone to being the loud angry drunk.
I made up my mind right then and there, that I would not be passing out in his room. I went into E’s room and asked to stay with him since JLo was being such an asshole. He was fine with it. I changed and came back out to check up on the St. Louis boys. JLo was in mid-rant and when he saw me standing next to E in my PJs, he just gave me the deathlook. He didn’t even finish what he was saying. He turned around and stormed off again, I heard some obscenities before he slammed the door of his room. I just didn’t understand what was going on.
Bad-Ass arrived with food in tow. He was checking up on Stud while I was sniffing his bag of munchies. I asked him if he had my steak quesedilla and the bastard didn’t because his phone had died. He didn’t get my text at all! I refrained from turning into the Hulk. I get angry when my drunk hunger isn’t sated.
Lynx: “Oh man, I’m just craving some meat…”
Bad-Ass: “Yes Lynx, you can have a bite, go ahead.”
I said thanks and took off running with his food. I didn’t get too far though and he only let me have one bite. ONE BITE. Bastard let a girl starve.
I let K-Ho in a couple hours later when she finally was dropped off by Pavel and Beer Muscles. Everyone else was passed out and I was so tired that I didn’t even turn on the light when we got inside. The only light available was from when I had turned the light on in E’s room when I left. I went right for his room and closed his door, which had been the only source of light for K-Ho. She walked to the bathroom in the dark and totally tripped over Stud who was sleeping on the floor. As in she totally wiped out and her head was a hair breath’s away from hitting the toilet. When she realized she tripped over Stud, she began yelling.
K-Ho: “THAT FUCKING HURT!!! What the fuck! What the fuck are you doing? Oh my God, are you okay? Is he okay?? Why the fuck are you lying on the floor??”
I passed out around 4 AM. I found out the hard way that you don’t want to pass out with E. He woke up at 8:30 and because he couldn’t fall back to sleep, he began engaging me in conversation.
E: “Lynx, are you sleeping?”
Lynx: -mumbles-
E: “I can’t sleep. Can you talk to me?”
Lynx: “No.”
E: “But I really need someone to talk to. Wake up, hey look at me!”
Lynx: “I’m listening but my eyes are staying closed.”
E: “So…are you sleeping now?”
Lynx: “E, I think you need to shut the fuck up. Seriously. Let me sleep!”
