Guys Night Out

April 2008

I somehow invited myself along on a night out with Ricky Rousse, Boomp, and Maldonado. They were hellbent on going drinking in Chicago and I couldn’t resist making sure they completed this goal. No girlfriends, no bitches, no worries. And of course, I was allowed to go because I’m like one of the guys. The guys were pretty pumped to be let off their leashes. If any of the ladies wanted to give them a hard time about it, I was ready with fighting words. You don’t question the Lynx and Guys Night Out. It should be a stipulation if not already a given.

Anyway, I was really excited to show the guys around Wrigleyville since they hadn’t been before. It was a Thursday night and I took them to Barleycorn, which is my favorite bar out that way. It was dead when we stepped in. Like DEAD. This was the emptiest I had ever seen Barleycorn, I had no idea what the hell was going on. There were like 3 other people drinking. I thought to myself, “Great, this is the last time I get to go anywhere with these guys in the city. I’m at the right place at the wrong time.” We came to drink and we did just that.  One of the guys went and got us all Irish Car Bombs, and I don’t remember what else we did. I got tired kind of early and talked them into going back home.

We crashed in Maldonado’s basement. Boomp and Rickey Rousse were getting hot and brovy (heavy but for bros) on the couch. They were lying down head to toe and were trying to jam their feet on the other person’s nuts. I think that’s a crazy way to show a bro some love, but what would I know about that? I got the loveseat to myself and at one point asked Maldonado to come over and cuddle. Ever the opportunist, he came right over and laid next to me but I didn’t cuddle. I just wanted someone next to me, I was thinking about things I shouldn’t have been.

When we woke up the next morning, Maldonado had moved to his bed. I was about to leave without saying a word when Ricky Rousse and Boomp asked me what I was doing.

Lynx: I’m leaving, I have to get to class.
Ricky Rousse: So you’re really going to do a walk of shame?
Lynx: What? What walk of shame? I didn’t get ass last night. I didn’t even fucking cuddle with Maldonado.
Boomp: Yeah but his mom and his little sisters don’t know that. What are they going to think when they see you with bed hair upstairs? His mom is going to hate you for exposing her daughters to the walk of shame!

I was horrified of that thought. I can’t corrupt little girls. That’s what boys are for! I asked Boomp and Ricky Rousse to walk me out, they refused. They thought it would be funny to subject me to trauma. So I did the only thing I could, I went and woke Maldonado up. I jumped on his bed and scared the shit out of him. The way Maldonado tells the story from when we got back to his place is actually quite hilarious to listen to.

Maldonado: I was trying to cuddle with Lynx on the love seat. I was caressing her left tit and I totally thought I was gonna get lucky. But you know what? Lynx, you wouldn’t even cuddle! Why would you ask someone to cuddle if you’re not going to do it?? 3 hours later I wake up to Lynx hovering over me, “I don’t want to do a walk of shame!” It’s not a walk of shame when we didn’t do anything!

He wound up walking me to the door which in hindsight I think was actually worse. His little sisters were probably thinking, “Who is this girl that Maldonado is saying goodbye to? Why did she sleep here? What did they do? Is this his new girlfriend? When can I have boys stay over?” And his mother was probably thinking, “This fucking slut, why did Maldonado bring her back here? She could have at least had the decency to wait to leave so my daughters don’t have to see her.” Believe me, this has scarred me for life. I never want to wake up from a night of partying again and have to face someone’s mother and little sisters.

Threesome Talk

January 2009

Tweedle Dum and I were having lunch at Barleycorn. We started talking about threesomes. Neither of us have done it. I started thinking maybe this is something I should do before I’m off the market. Tweedle Dum didn’t really care what parties were involved, ideally two girls and a guy. I likewise find the same situation is the only one I would do. I also have to be friends with the guy. I’m selfish when it comes to my men. I don’t want to share my boyfriend/husband/life partner with another woman during sex. If it’s a male friend there would be no real tension like there would be if it were me and a girl friend trying to fuck the same guy. Tweedle Dum and I didn’t talk about it in depth, but it stayed on my mind through the evening.

We did karaoke that night out. Tweedle Dum and I were drinking pitchers, he’s one of the few people drinks more than I do when it comes to frequency of the act, and I’ll be honest when I say the entire night I was thinking about threesomes. I texted Bad-Ass, sharing my general interest in a threesome. He texted back that if he wasn’t included in this threesome, the conversation was over.

The next day Bad-Ass sent me an IM on Facebook saying that I needed to call him NOW. Thinking that something bad/epic happened to him, I did call him at that moment.

Lynx: “Hey, what’s going on? What happened?”
Bad-Ass: “I need to know, were you serious? Because if you need me, I will do it! This threesome talk is not something to be taken lightly!”

By this time, I remembered watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother in which Ted and Barney each were individually faced with an opportunity for a threesome with hot girls. I started to psych myself out. Do I have to touch her? Can we share? Is someone going to get less attention? How will we know to switch? And I started to be less excited about doing a threesome.

So, I think I’m taking threesome off the list of things to do. I have too much fun one-on-one anyway.

Night Out with Hoosiers

January 2009

K-Ho and I were at JLo’s drinking when his roommate E and his entourage came in from having a fancy dinner for E’s birthday. I happened to notice this tall guy walking into the bathroom, I would later be introduced to him and his name was Kreepster. He left the door open and leaned over the toilet, spitting out clumpy black stuff. We were disgusted not only because he did this with the door open, but he also got it all over the toilet seat! I had no idea what this shit was until K-Ho and JLo told me the guy was chewing (tobacco).   

JLo, K-Ho, myself, and JLo’s other female friend decided to head out to Barleycorn. JLo was a pimp walking in there with 3 lovely ladies. There were a lot of good looking guys there but it sucked because a lot of them were either gay or with an ugly chick. So I sat there just admiring this gay guy standing by our table, wishing there was something I could do make him straight.

We met up with E and his entourage at Nick’s Uptown for afterhours. We got to know the people a tad better. For instance, they were going all out on these energy kickers and said weird Hoosier stuff like “Let’s rage!” I felt like they were invading Chicago. I mean come on, that’s sad, they’re from Indiana. Should we be letting this happen?

One of the guys, Lumberjack, was hard for K-Ho. I can’t say that I talked to him at all, but something was bothering me about him. So I made sure that I consciously turned on my cockblock switch. He would be a sorry man if he pushed me. I tried to tell her that she had beer goggles on. She wasn’t very happy to hear that, and was even less happy when I showed her the text I was sending to Honey: “K-Ho has beer goggles on and I can’t stop her!” I even said something to JLo about the situation, since he was also looking out for her.

E comes up to me, trying to help his buddy Lumberjack out. But I’m relentless. Even if you think you’ve sidetracked me or thrown me off a scent, I come back with triple the zeal. So E says to me, “Look at them. They’re in love. Just let them be, it’s a beautiful thing.” We were both pretty drunk, him more than I, so we kept arguing over whether Lumberjack and K-Ho were in love or not.

I somehow got stuck talking to the Kreepster (tobacco chewer). I had heard stories about him from JLo and E, but I didn’t really know what to expect. K-Ho sent me a text asking if I thought Kreepster was attractive or someone I would make out with. I said no and then she texted me back with, “Not even drunk?” I looked at the Kreepster again and considered it. I’m drunk. If I were more drunk would I be attracted to him? I texted back to K-Ho, “Okay fine.”

Later, the Kreepster came up to me with a cigarette. I don’t smoke really, but I decided to be nice and accept the cig. We went outside to smoke. I found out that he was an accountant and I laughed to myself. I have an affinity for business types (Leo= marketing/sales, Langdon= financial advisor). The Kreepster gained bonus points for expressing an interest in tax law. I encouraged him to go to law school (I do that to everyone I come across, since I also want to go to law school). He didn’t lose any points for saying that he didn’t want to do more school.

The Kreepster then asked if I was sleeping over at E’s. I immediately knew where this conversation would go if I let it, so I nipped it in the bud. I didn’t want to crash at Kreepster’s for a romp, so I didn’t even give him the opportunity to offer.

Kreepster: “So are you staying at E’s?”
Lynx: “Yeah.”
Kreepster: “It’s going to be packed-”
Lynx: “Well I don’t care, I even have a bed!”

We got back to JLo and E’s apartment around 5 AM. All the places for drunk munchies were closed. I took it upon myself to raid their fridge. They didn’t have much to work with, but K-Ho and I started drunk cooking eggs, toast, and hot dogs. The eggs and the hot dogs turned out okay. My eggs were shitty and I was afraid that I was going to burn the building down. I kept having problems with the toast. No matter how many minutes I put it on (they only had a toaster oven), it would not become toast! One of the guys in the entourage came over to take a look at what was wrong, it turns out the toaster oven wasn’t even plugged in.

As we were finishing up in the kitchen, the entourage filtered in. I then heard,

Guy: “Why did you sleep with his ex-girlfriend? He would never do that to you.”
Girl: “Why are we talking about this, it’s so uncomfortable.”

From what I could understand, they were talking about Lumberjack. K-Ho and I went into JLo’s room to sleep and Lumberjack followed us, trying to clear himself. K-Ho had not heard what had been said. It was almost 6 AM, I was tired and this random guy was in my way of sleeping. I couldn’t tell if K-Ho really wanted to talk to him more or if she would just go along with it to be nice, so I turned to him and said not too nicely, “I’m passing out. If you guys want to talk, could you leave the room and do it.” K-Ho declined to talk, the guy left, and we went to bed.

During this time, we weren’t aware that JLo left the apartment for us to burn down with our drunk cooking. He was so hopped up on energy kickers that he left and went to Dunkin’ Donuts where he witnessed an altercation involving hobos.

JLo: “Ya I was there and a hobo inside was fighting for a free coffee refill. He turned to me and yelled at me for money and I thought I was going to get stabbed, so I told him I’d invest in his thirst but not his warmth, so I got him an iced coffee.”

There you have it. Hobos are dangerous in Chicago. They may not go up to you in a drive-thru like in St. Louis and swear by their momma they’re not going to harm you, but the hobos are going after our apple fritters dammit!! When will it end??

Cheating Loophole

Tweedle Dum was home from UWM. We grabbed lunch at the Village and then went to Barleycorn for drinks. As we were catching up, he made a comment about how he would love to bag a cougar. The female kind, and not the cat. The thing about Tweedle Dum is that he’s only been with older women. They haven’t necessarily been 15-20 years older, I don’t know what it is, they just flock to him.
Tweedle Dum: “Is it considered cheating if you bang a girl’s mother?”
Lynx: “Duh, of course it’s cheating.”
Tweedle Dum: “No, it’s not.”
Lynx: “How is it not cheating?”
Tweedle Dum: “It’s not cheating if it’s a mother. Half the genes! So they’re half the same person!”
Lynx: “Wow…” -in disbelief that he has stooped this low, yet marveling at the genius of it-
Tweedle Dum: “Yeah, it’s a great loophole for cheating, isn’t it?”

Something For The Hunnies

Langdon, Slim, their buddy Colt, and I were drinking at the Barleycorn in Schaumburg. Colt was kind of hoping to meet some ladies but after I ordered us a huge ass plate of nachos, he was sidetracked by trying to help me eat them all. He never got to meet girls that night. Slim on the other hand, his girlfriend was mad at him and his way of dealing with it was to see if he still had game. He went off to hit on some girls.

It all started because I love the show the Pick-Up Artist. He wasn’t a big fan and thinks Mystery is a major douchebag. Slim thought he could do a better job of picking girls up and schooling other fellows, “They have that shit premeditated and scripted. What happens when a girl turns you down? Your plan is ruined and you don’t know how to work it. You have to be spontaneous! That’s going to get the girls!”

There was a 3 set with 2 girls and a guy. Slim wanted to ruin the guy’s chances of getting with either girl. He tried going after the hotter of the 2 girls but got rejected.

Slim: “Hey how do you feel about Montell Jordan?”
Random Girl: “Oh my God, who doesn’t love Michael Jordan?”
Slim: “Uh…no, Montell Jordan.”
Random Girl: “There’s a Montell Jordan? Does he play basketball too?”
Slim: “Ah geez…I gotta go, my friends are doing Jager bombs.”

Another target
Slim: “Hey, how do you feel about Montell Jordan?”
Other Random Girl: “The talk show was okay. Why?”
Slim: “Dumb bitch, no! Not Montell Williams! MONTELL JORDAN!”

Okay he didn’t call her a dumb bitch to her face. But he did say it to us when he was shot down again.

And Another
Slim: “Hey how do you feel about Montell Jordan?”
Another Random Girl: “Ahhh! I love Montell Jordan!!”

They spoke for a good 15 minutes and then she ran off to go talk to her friends. 10 minutes later she came back up to us and said that her boyfriend wanted to meet Slim. We were all thinking the guy was going to kick Slim’s ass for talking to his girlfriend, but it turns out her boyfriend was a huge Montell Jordan fan as well. I could not believe it. I was never a big Montell Jordan fan and I thought Slim would fall on his face.

Slim: “I am so awesome with my Montell Jordan lines that some chick actually brought me over to meet her boyfriend so he could know how awesome I was!”

Future Pick-Up Artists, I wouldn’t recommend using Montell Jordan as a line. This night with Slim’s experiment clearly was not a success. As we were leaving the bar, Slim walked up to a pair of cougars he had been hitting on earlier.

Slim: “I have to tell you the truth, I have a girlfriend. I love her very much and it was wrong of me to start a conversation with you. I know we both love Montell Jordan but nothing can ever happen between us.”

The Madchen Cup

K-Ho and I went to the Barleycorn in Schaumburg to meet up with Langdon and his friend from home (Mendota), Kilometre. Well there was no parking avilable in the Barleycorn lot, K-Ho suggested that we just hit up the valet. I only had $2 cash on me, while K-Ho had $7, and I decided to say no to valet. I parked at the Extended Stay Inn right across the street.

We went in for a couple rounds and I was very excited to find out that not only did Kilometre currently live in Leland, he also knew where Mattoon was! Not many people know of these small towns and I always get excited when I run into someone who does, because they usually don’t run into people who have heard of where they are from. This was the first time I had ever met Kilometre, and K-Ho and I impressed him with our Scissoring story. I can’t say that I remember much else of the conversation, but there were definitely laughs all around.

We all left to go meet up with Butch, Slim, and Tad who were drinking at Champps. Well we managed to get lost going to Champs even though it literally was around the corner. We drove all around Schaumburg trying to find it. I don’t remember how, but I was in posession of Langdon’s phone and kept talking to Tad (his roommate) while texting Butch on my phone to get directions which didn’t really help us out any.

We finally did make it to Champs though. As K-Ho, Slim, and I were chowing down to glorious food the subject of the Madchen Cup came up. I think I somehow instigated it because I do remember getting loud about it to Butch, “Remember you wanted me to go to Mendota for Corn Fest and I totally didn’t?” Once Corn Fest was brought up, inevitably the Madchen Cup followed.

In Mendota there is a Corn Fest every year. Apparently this small town is supposed to have really good corn. Then again, this is Illinois. We are a giant cornfield, so almost anyone could claim to have awesome corn. Dekalb also has an annual Corn Fest, maybe they should battle it out. Last year, Butch invited me to this Corn Fest in Mendota. Butch’s roommate at the time, Slim, is originally from there (as are Langdon and Kilometre) and they thought it would be cool to go to this Corn fest. Well corn wasn’t the only thing that was on the agenda.

When the “Madchen Cup” was uttered, Langdon got kind of weird next to me. Uncomfortable, if you will. I think some of the other guys were also uncomfortable, there was just a weirdness in the air. I chuckled to myself because I knew why. K-Ho was out of the loop so I texted her to let her in on what the Madchen Cup was once the guys started arguing over it.

Lynx: “So they’re talking about a girl known as the Madchen Cup. Langdon fucked her.”
K-Ho: “Ew and uncomfortable.”
Lynx: “You would think so. I don’t care but they don’t think [I know]/are hoping I’m clueless.”

To further fill in the story here, Langdon was interested in me. It’s a little tacky to bring up past paramours when you have a potential girlfriend with you. I understood why some guys kept talking about it. They didn’t think I knew about the Madchen Cup. Some, however, were aware. Langdon didn’t know that I knew though. Langdon and I have known each other for almost 2 years and he has been chasing me for more than half that time. I honestly didn’t care they were talking about the Madchen Cup because it was during a period that I was not involved with him. I thought it was funny. Hell, I’m writing about it right now aren’t I?

So what/who exactly is the Madchen Cup? There was a girl in Mendota, Madchen, who was very much like a bicycle and a lot of young men got to ride her. A few friends of Slim, Langdon, and Kilometre rode that bicycle. Langdon can also include himself on that list. Butch, going through a phase in his life at this point in time where he thought he had to be man-whorish, also wanted in on this “Madchen Cup” as they started calling her. The girl was a real slut is what I’m told. Everyone stood behind Butch’s decision to claim the Madchen Cup that year. He even told me that he was thinking about literally making a trophy, a real Madchen Cup, that could be passed between the guys.

Butch: “I came up with that term! I started it all!”
Tad: “No you didn’t, it was all Langdon.”
Butch: “Langdon, seriously, come on. Who was it?”
Langdon: “It was me. Not you.”

So we left Champs, trying to head to Easy Street, and once again we got lost. We got on the highway and pretty much drove in a circle and wound up halfway home. We gave up looking for it and went back to Slim, Tad, and Langdon’s place to drink some more and watch Old School.

In the morning when Langdon drove us back to my car, we soon realized that my car was gone from the Extended Stay Inn lot. The fuckers had towed my car. There hadn’t even been a sign about towing where I came in! The expensive lesson I learned here, worth $170, if you’re going to Barleycorn just let the fucking valet take care of your car and they can worry about parking.

"I’m Going Home With A Business Card Tonight"

Me and K-Ho, whenever we go beach bumming at North Avenue, we always hit up the bars in Wrigleyville. This particular day/night we had been running into beautiful boys everywhere. I can only speak for myself, but I know that my vag was going fucking crazy.

We were walking down Clark Street trying to decide what bar we wanted to go to. We were standing on a corner across the street from Purgatory (a pizza place) when K-Ho bumped into some guys she knew from high school. Very cute, introductions were made, but they were in a hurry so they left. Left to our own devices again, we chose to get our drink on at Barleycorn. For future reference, Barleycorn has always been my personal favorite place to go when in Wrigleyville.

We chilled at Barleycorn for a drink or two. Decided we want to barhop some more. I suggested Sluggers and then we got moving. For those of you who know the bars in Wrigleyville, you know that Sluggers is like twenty steps away from Barleycorn, it’s 2 bars over. Well we were crossing the street to get to Sluggers, when a group of guys were walking towards us from the opposite direction. One random kid asked for a high five and I was drunk enough to give it to him. Another random guy then asked for a high five, so what do I do? I give him a drunk high five and keep going on my way.

Guy: “Ouch, that hurt, Lynx!”
Lynx: “What did you say?”

It wasn’t until I had already reached the corner of Sluggers that I realized that my name had been said. The guy had also reached the other opposite corner where I was coming from. I turned around and stared at the guy, he hadn’t looked familiar when I gave him the high five.

Guy: “That hurt, Lynx.”
Lynx: -very confused- “Do I know you?”
Guy: “Yes you do, it’s Dan —–Ski.”

I walked back over to where Dan and his buddy were standing. Dan —-Ski proceeded to tell me where he knew me from, but I was so busy trying to remember the name, that I didn’t hear where I was supposed to know him from. I still can’t remember his last name except that it ended in -Ski. Which in Polish Chicago, there are a lot of -Skis! I looked at his friend wondering if I had also met Dan’s friend before. His friend actually did look similar to someone I had once met at a fraternity house, so I thought perhaps that’s how I had met Dan. But something was wrong. I had never met Dan before in my life.

Lynx: “Don’t fuck with me, how do you know my name?”
Dan: “I overheard you introduce yourself on the street earlier.”

Oh. My. God! That had been an hour ago! Dan was referring to when me and K-Ho ran into people from her high school. And this guy remembered some random girl’s name he had overheard in the street?? That’s creepy!

But what does drunk Natty do? “I think you should buy me a drink for scaring me.” And then we were off. They wanted to go to a bar a couple blocks away (I think the name of the bar is The Yard, off the corner of Sheffield and Clark), and I made sure to ask them “This isn’t going to be a dark alley is it?”

I also found out that Dan’s friend, MT, was a history professor at DePaul. I got a little bitchy when I heard DePaul, because I had received a rejection letter from their law school and the subject was a little sore with me. MT was a little taken aback by my sudden change in attitude, so I told him about the law school. MT offered to write me a recommendation, which I guess is a nice gesture for a really drunk girl. I didn’t accept because that would have been way too creepy. He did offer to give me his business card at the end of the night. I started laughing and said “I’m going home with a business card tonight!” When you know I totally wanted something else. Perhaps that was one of many signs I missed.

Anyway so the guys buy me and K-Ho two rounds of drinks. I thought everything was going fine. We were laughing and talking. I did go on a Fukudome rant (I prefer the White Sox over the Cubs), “He knows what he did wrong!!” And I believe that I did refer to our gentlemen as “Wrinkly Old Balls” because they were both 32 and they definitely didn’t look like it. Having dated a few older men and having older guys as good friends, that was how we always interacted. I guess these older men were not used to that joking treatment.

We had been standing the entire time we were at The Yard. I noticed a table opened up and said we should take it. So me and K-Ho went to sit down. Upon sitting down I realized that neither Dan or MT had followed us. I looked back to where we were standing, MT already gone from my sight, I saw Dan taking one last look at us before he also disappeared. I thought it was strange.

Lynx: “Are they coming?”
K-Ho: “They should be.”
Lynx: “Did they say anything to you?”
K-Ho: “Nope.”
Lynx: “Should I go after them?”
K-Ho: “Sure, but I wouldn’t put that much effort into it.”

I went downstairs to see if they were in the bathroom. No sign of Dan or MT. I came back upstairs and did a quick scan (The Yard is a small bar), didn’t see them. I stepped outside and looked down the street. Nothing. I then asked the bouncer if he had seen two tall males in black shirts leave. He had not.

Did this really happen? Seriously? Did 2 guys just leave me and K-Ho at the bar? DID THEY JUST LEAVE 2 HOT GIRLS AT THE BAR??? It made no sense to me! If it had just been me and they left, I was more willing to accept that as a reality. I’m a little too fesity for my own good. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. But despite me, I could not believe that would just leave K-Ho either. She is a way nicer version of me!

The next day, I googled MT. And before you get all “YOU’RE A CREEPER!!” on me, I’ll have you know that MT did tell me to google him because I didn’t believe he was actually a professor. So he was on the DePaul website but since he was adjunct, contact info is optional and he opted not to have it on the website. I pondered whether to leave my search now. I had a couple friends that went to DePaul for undergrad, I could have had them hop onto their netowrk and act like they were registering for one of his classes to get his email that way. What would I have done with this email? I seriously just wanted to know why they left without saying a word!

My lesson to you from this story is this: Any other creeper girl would have taken advantage of having DePaul friends and they would have hunted MT down and sat in on a class or called his office number and acted like she had not been left at the bar. But I am no such girl, which is why I was content with having a wounded ego.