Marriage Pact

2006ish

Midway into our friendship during periods of being alone, Butch was doing some heavy thinking and decided to drag me into a marriage plan. He was like 24 at this point and I was 21. His friends were getting old and walking down the aisle, I guess it really started freaking him out. Marriage was the last thing on my mind and I most especially did not want to be married to him. 

Butch: “If I’m still single in a few years, you have to marry me.”

Lynx: “I am not marrying you.”

Butch: “My mom is going to expect me to settle down, and we know you’re going to be single so you should marry me!”

Lynx: “You don’t really want to be tied down to me. We would be so bad for each other.”

Butch: “Dammit Lynx, you have to do this for me! If I’m not married by 28, you’re going to be my wife.”

Lynx: “Uh no I’ll be 25, possibly just starting my career. I am not going to let marriage get in the way!”

Butch: “Come on! We bicker like an old married couple anyway! So now let’s just get it over with so I can touch your cans. You know, it doesn’t have to be a real marriage. Just have it on paper to make my mom happy.”

Lynx: “So an open marriage…for like a year or so. You’ll have to wait until you’re 30 though, I’ll be 27 then. Won’t be so young. Can I have an apartment I can take random men to?”

Butch: “Yes, but you have to have sex with me too.”

Lynx: “Um no that’s gross. I don’t want to fuck you.”

Butch: “But you’re having my kid, you have to fuck me.”

Lynx: “Whoa, I did not say yes to your babies. We are totally doing IVF if I’m having babies with you!”

Butch: “Why wouldn’t you want to fuck me? We could do it like once a week.”

Lynx: “I don’t think you’d be any good. Guys only get one chance and that’s it! You would suck and I would never touch you again!”

Butch: “I can’t fuck your brains out on the first attempt!”

Lynx: “Guess we’re not getting married then, are we?”

 

* This most likely will be null and void seeing as how we all anticipate Butch to marry his current girlfriend. However after this pact was made, I went to Sloppy Shot and we made our own marriage pact. If neither of us were married by 40, we will be tying the knot.

Wedding Story: How Langdon Met the Lynx

December 2008

I went to a wedding with Langdon. An old roommate of his from college was getting married. On the ride to the ceremony I asked to hear some stories about him and the groom. Only 2 stick out in my memory, the first being that this roommate and his girlfriend were at always fighting and throwing shit at each other if they did not take their medication (they had some type of disorder) but the girlfriend asked to have a threesome with Langdon and the roommate. Langdon claimed that he wasn’t into this type of shit- whether he meant 2 guys and a girl or threesomes in general, I don’t know. The second story, Langdon was literally about to get in the shower when this roommate was like, “Oh cool, I’ll join you,” as if it were an everyday occurence and started taking his clothes off. Langdon kicked him out of the shower of course.

At the wedding people were asking if I was Langdon’s girlfriend or wife. We were sitting at the open bar the first time I heard someone ask if I was his wife and I almost choked on my drink. Langdon would just keep saying “This is Lynx,” and people would let it go. This one guy Merve saw how very uncomfortable the question made me so he kept asking.

Merve: “So her name’s Lynx, is she your wife or girlfriend?
Lynx: -cough, cough-
Merve: “I think you should marry her.”
Lynx: -COUGH, COUGH-
Langdon: “Hey I’ve been trying but she keeps shooting me down!”

Merve and his wife Maddy came to keep me company when they saw I was sitting by myself when Langdon was in the bathroom. Maddy saw that her hubby had been badgering us so she asked me, “Is Langdon supposed to pop the question but won’t?” I couldn’t stop laughing because everyone at the wedding thought we were in a more serious relationship than we were. I managed to tell her that marriage was not in the works. Not popping the question was definitely not on the list of things for me to use as an excuse to withhold sex from Langdon.

Merve for whatever reason, was determined to get to the bottom of our relationship. He waited for Langdon to get back from the bathroom before asking me, “Are you guys lovers? Friends? What’s going on between you two?” He thought he could corner me into giving an answer with Langdon there. Not giving in, I told Merve that Langdon paid me to be his wedding date. Maddy then joined in the assault and asked how we met each other, how long we’ve known each other, etc. Not sure what to say, I looked at Langdon. He only looked back at me, waiting to see what I would say. I know he was expecting to hear me share a sentimental, gushy story about our blossoming puppy love. He wasn’t going to get it!

Lynx: “Why don’t you tell them, Langdon?”
Langdon: “Merve, you’re killing me with these questions. You tell it, Lynx.”
Lynx: “We met at a hotel. I was sleeping.”
Langdon: “Why would you tell them that??”
Lynx: “Because it’s true!”

In case you are also wondering how this hotel room comes into play, Butch rented one when we went to visit ISU a few years back. I was passed out in the bed when Langdon came over. Butch jokingly said, “Langdon, go look at what I brought you.”

Meeting at a hotel was not what Merve and Maddy were expecting. Langdon told them his side of the story so he wouldn’t sound like a big creep who preyed hotels for random sleeping women.

Langdon: “I was dating this other girl when I met Lynx. Then we broke up and I was asking about her constantly. We drunkenly hooked up one summer and it was so bad she stayed away from me for a year and a half. I asked her out a couple months ago and she somehow forgot about the bad sex we had, and she said yes.”
Lynx: “Why would you tell them that you sucked at sex??”

We danced to a couple songs to appease the groom’s aunt. She sat next to us in church and drunkenly talked to us after dinner. She thought that we shouldn’t have been sitting while some people were on the dance floor. I just didn’t want to dance inappropriately in front of old people and shame Langdon. He looked really good that night. I talked him into leaving early and skipping the hotel bar so that I could show him just how good he looked to me!  

Picnic Time: My Face

So today’s entry is about what took place last year at Honey’s 21st birthday celebration. My friends and I refer to this night as “The Infamous Picnic Table Incident.” We celebrated at Alumni, however, K-Ho and I managed to get Honey way too drunk the night before so Honey was drinking water.

I rode out with Boomp and Ricky Rousse. We stopped for gas when the boys decided that they were hungry and were going to run across the busy intersection to get McDonald’s. Never mind having had some drinks and cars are coming at you. That’s not dangerous at all! When they got back we made a pact: since we were arriving at Alumni together, we would also be good friends and leave together. I also told them that Langdon was possibly going to be there and that they should make sure that I keep away from him and/or not go home with him.

We made it to Alumni and upon entering the beer garden, we came across Butch and company. Sloppy Shot, Butch and Jeremy had a reunion and did a round of lunchboxes at the bar. Langdon was trying to chase me around the beer garden, buying me drinks and nachos. Langdon and I were standing around talking at one point and next thing I know, we’re making out. Now in all fairness, he started it. For whatever reason he then took me out to the grassy area, where there were picnic tables, far from everyone. He sat down, made me straddle him, and we continued making out hardcore. I thought I heard G-Spot yell, “HE’S GONNA GET HIS DICK WET!!” but G-Spot denies having said this. Scruffelhauser swung by to take a picture of us making out, that’s how awesome my friends are.

So we’re drunk and making out, totally oblivious to our surroundings. And that’s when the picnic table FLIPPED OVER!!

I was stunned. One minute we were making out and the next minute we were on the ground with the picnic table up in the air. We heard cheering and shouting. Everybody in that damn place whipped out their digital cameras and camera phones to take pictures of us. I was so drunk and embarrassed. I got up and left Langdon behind, but I can’t remember where I went. The making out didn’t end there. Oh no, we became that obnoxious couple sucking face at the bar.

Lazer, Boomp, multiple other friends, were having a field day with me and Langdon making out. They would take pictures of us and be the creepers in the background. You know the creepers I’m talking about. The guys giving the camera thumbs up or high-fiving each other.

Ricky Rousse: “So how do you guys know each other?”

Lynx: “This is how we know each other” -proceed to make out with Langdon-
Ricky Rousse: “Oh, okay…”  

At one point Langdon wanted to take me back to Butch’s. I knew what he would try to do if I went with him. We had hooked up the summer before and he was going to try to do it again. I told him that the only way it was going to happen was if he promised nothing would happen. He drunkenly promised and I went to tell some folks I was going to leave.

Ricky Rousse came up to me, “What are you doing? What happened to us leaving? I hope you don’t do something you’re going to regret.”

I like to think that I’m a person of my word and that I’m a loyal friend. Langdon was not the person I should be leaving with. Ricky Rousse, being the friend that he is, said he would drive me home instead. I went back to Langdon and told him that I changed my mind. I would be going home with Ricky Rousse. Langdon was angry at being cockblocked.

Langdon: “Are you going to let your friends tell you what to do?”
Lynx: “You won’t understand, I’m sorry…just give me a call tomorrow, okay?”

He went back to his table to go sulk. He couldn’t even look at me when I said goodbye. I didn’t know this at the time, but Butch told me a couple days later that Slim and Tad made a bet that night on who would take me home. Slim thought Langdon would be triumphant, after all that hardcore making out, how could Langdon go back empty handed? Tad thought Ricky Rousse would be the one to take me home, and he was right.

Boomp, Ricky Rousse and I left. I went into drunk hysterics while in the car and Sloppy Shot had to come out and calm me down. Unfortunately we had bigger problems on the way home. That problem was a road block teeming with police. I’ll spare you the details, but Ricky Rousse almost got a DUI that night.

Ricky Rousse: “Officer, I’m the designated driver. I only had a few drinks.”
Officer: “If you were the designated driver, you shouldn’t be drinking at all.”

Out of our friends, we were not the only ones who got stuck in this predicament. I did feel guilty, because it was my fault that we were in this situation. I would have felt worse if Ricky Rousse had gotten a DUI. Lucky for us, we did make it home that night. But for future reference, never tell an officer that you’re the designated driver and that you’ve been drinking!

Kilometre Loses His V-Card

Langdon, Butch, and I were having a post-Thanksgiving lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings when Langdon told us the story of how Kilometre lost his virginity at the age of 23.

3-4 years ago

Kilometre was in Bentonville, Arkansas on a trip. Here’s some trivia for you, Bentonville is where the first Walmart opened. 

So Kilometre is at some hotel bar and meets a chick, they wind up exchanging numbers. For whatever reason Kilometre never tells anyone. They would talk every now and again. Then one day out of the blue, it comes out that she’s a porn star/model. She was in an amateur red headed slut video. 7-8 months later they decide to meet up again. 

Kilometre drives all the way down to Arkansas and gets a room at the same hotel where he met the chick at. They have a nice dinner at the hotel and the chick asks Kilometre to walk her out to her car. Well when they get to her car he realizes that she is getting her overnight bag so he knows he’s going to get lucky.

They go back to his room, start making out like fiends and when this porn star reaches for a condom, she pulls out magnums. Upon seeing this Kilometre has to whip out his own condoms ( a 3-pack he especially bought for this moment) because there’s no way he’s going to fill a magnum.

Kilometre: “Can you put that away so I can use my significantly smaller prophylactic?”

The next morning at breakfast, the porn star and Kilometre are eating. Kilometre is going to town on the bacon and doesn’t notice the bacon stuck on his face when the porn star says, “I don’t think we should talk anymore.” To which there isn’t much Kilometre can say other than “Okay.” He manages to get through the rest of breakfast without getting any more food on his face.

Once he hits the road, Kilometre cries for 3 hours as he’s driving home. He finally gets to fuck a woman- a porn star, and that porn star never wants him to pound her again (probably because he doesn’t measure up to other porn stars). After crying for 3 hours, Kilometre has a moment of clarity, “It was a great life experience!” He puts some Dave Matthews Band in the CD player and jams out.

On the way home from Arkansas, he stops in St. Louis where Langdon is staying at a fancy hotel. Kilometre tells Langdon the tale of losing his virginity and gives Langdon the rest of his condoms.

Langdon: “Don’t you want to keep it?”
Kilometre: “Langdon, you and I both know I’ll never use this again.”

Slapbag

June/July 2007

Slapbag is a drinking game I discovered in the summer of 2006, when I went camping in Wisconsin with the brothers Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum and their Wisconsin friends. It’s a very simple concept. You take a swig of Franzia and then slap the bag, trying to make a cracking sound. Those slaps are the best. And then you pass it on to the next person until the bag is dry. Now I know this sounds a little stupid, but once you get going and the alcohol is flowing, this is fun as hell. Seriously. FUN.

I had so much fun that I had to share this with the rest of our friends. Now I thought that I had had fun playing it with Wisconsin folks. Well the friends that the Tweedles and I share, are a very creative bunch and took Slapbag a step further. Whereas the Wisconsin folks just slapped a bag and passed it on, Sloppy Shot, Ricky Rousse, Honey, and Lyle Harris came up with different ways to pass it on and slap the shit out of that Franzia bag. Can you high five the shit out of Franzia? Maybe do an Eiffel Tower? Backhand it? Do a flip and then see if you can whack it? We started off 5 strong, then there was 3, but Sloppy Shot and Ricky Rousse were the brave men who sucked that Franzia bag dry.

I can’t really remember what happened after we had nothing left to drink. At some point we decided to walk Honey home since she literally lives right behind me. I can tell you that I don’t remember me physically walking to her house, I was pretty fucked up. All I remember is that from the short walk from my house to hers, I had to call Langdon. You know, that urge of MUST CALL YOU and ADMIT DRUNKEN THINGS TO YOU.

Langdon and I met in February 2007 when Butch and I went to ISU. I was digging him and then after 2-3 hours of meeting him, I found out from Butch and Slim that he had a girlfriend. So of course I was disappointed. Well they broke up a few months later and he started asking about me, but Leo and I were back together so nothing happened. Langdon couldn’t get me out of his mind, so he asked Butch for my number and made a call. But I never got that call or the voicemail he left me. Apparently Langdon called some girl he thought was me and left a voicemail saying, “I think you’re an awesome girl and I’ve had this big crush on you since we met. Can we hang out sometime?”

Only to realize that he called the wrong person. He was completely horrified, “I just poured my heart and soul out to a complete stranger!”

I’m pretty sure that Butch (with the encouragement of Slim and Tad) purposely gave Langdon the wrong phone number so they could laugh about it. Well I had been thinking about it, and I don’t know how I got his number (I think it was in a voicemail and I couldn’t hear the digits), but I dialed away.

“Hi Langdon, it’s Lynx. How’s it going? You know what, I totally thought you were really cool when I met you. You were cute and funny, and I’m not gonna lie, I totally wanted to make out with you! But then you had a girlfriend so I thought you were a douchebag. Like a really BIG douchebag! Anyway, so maybe you are a douchebag, maybe you aren’t, why don’t we try to be friends? See where it goes? I really just want to be your friend.”

Yeah well guess what. I had dialed the wrong number! Of course I told Butch about it and he thought it was absolutely hilarious.

I was so sick the next morning, instead of driving to my 8 am summer class, I drove over to Sloppy Shot’s because there was no way I was going to be able to sit through 3 hours of American History without passing out or puking. Which I tried to sleep, puked a bit, got dragged out to breakfast by Sloppy Shot and Ricky Rousse, puked some more, got back to Sloppy Shot’s and perhaps puked more and then finally slept it off. All while he was running around helping his mom with computer stuff.

I have pretty much sworn off Franzia since that night. WORST HANGOVER EVER!

The Madchen Cup

K-Ho and I went to the Barleycorn in Schaumburg to meet up with Langdon and his friend from home (Mendota), Kilometre. Well there was no parking avilable in the Barleycorn lot, K-Ho suggested that we just hit up the valet. I only had $2 cash on me, while K-Ho had $7, and I decided to say no to valet. I parked at the Extended Stay Inn right across the street.

We went in for a couple rounds and I was very excited to find out that not only did Kilometre currently live in Leland, he also knew where Mattoon was! Not many people know of these small towns and I always get excited when I run into someone who does, because they usually don’t run into people who have heard of where they are from. This was the first time I had ever met Kilometre, and K-Ho and I impressed him with our Scissoring story. I can’t say that I remember much else of the conversation, but there were definitely laughs all around.

We all left to go meet up with Butch, Slim, and Tad who were drinking at Champps. Well we managed to get lost going to Champs even though it literally was around the corner. We drove all around Schaumburg trying to find it. I don’t remember how, but I was in posession of Langdon’s phone and kept talking to Tad (his roommate) while texting Butch on my phone to get directions which didn’t really help us out any.

We finally did make it to Champs though. As K-Ho, Slim, and I were chowing down to glorious food the subject of the Madchen Cup came up. I think I somehow instigated it because I do remember getting loud about it to Butch, “Remember you wanted me to go to Mendota for Corn Fest and I totally didn’t?” Once Corn Fest was brought up, inevitably the Madchen Cup followed.

In Mendota there is a Corn Fest every year. Apparently this small town is supposed to have really good corn. Then again, this is Illinois. We are a giant cornfield, so almost anyone could claim to have awesome corn. Dekalb also has an annual Corn Fest, maybe they should battle it out. Last year, Butch invited me to this Corn Fest in Mendota. Butch’s roommate at the time, Slim, is originally from there (as are Langdon and Kilometre) and they thought it would be cool to go to this Corn fest. Well corn wasn’t the only thing that was on the agenda.

When the “Madchen Cup” was uttered, Langdon got kind of weird next to me. Uncomfortable, if you will. I think some of the other guys were also uncomfortable, there was just a weirdness in the air. I chuckled to myself because I knew why. K-Ho was out of the loop so I texted her to let her in on what the Madchen Cup was once the guys started arguing over it.

Lynx: “So they’re talking about a girl known as the Madchen Cup. Langdon fucked her.”
K-Ho: “Ew and uncomfortable.”
Lynx: “You would think so. I don’t care but they don’t think [I know]/are hoping I’m clueless.”

To further fill in the story here, Langdon was interested in me. It’s a little tacky to bring up past paramours when you have a potential girlfriend with you. I understood why some guys kept talking about it. They didn’t think I knew about the Madchen Cup. Some, however, were aware. Langdon didn’t know that I knew though. Langdon and I have known each other for almost 2 years and he has been chasing me for more than half that time. I honestly didn’t care they were talking about the Madchen Cup because it was during a period that I was not involved with him. I thought it was funny. Hell, I’m writing about it right now aren’t I?

So what/who exactly is the Madchen Cup? There was a girl in Mendota, Madchen, who was very much like a bicycle and a lot of young men got to ride her. A few friends of Slim, Langdon, and Kilometre rode that bicycle. Langdon can also include himself on that list. Butch, going through a phase in his life at this point in time where he thought he had to be man-whorish, also wanted in on this “Madchen Cup” as they started calling her. The girl was a real slut is what I’m told. Everyone stood behind Butch’s decision to claim the Madchen Cup that year. He even told me that he was thinking about literally making a trophy, a real Madchen Cup, that could be passed between the guys.

Butch: “I came up with that term! I started it all!”
Tad: “No you didn’t, it was all Langdon.”
Butch: “Langdon, seriously, come on. Who was it?”
Langdon: “It was me. Not you.”

So we left Champs, trying to head to Easy Street, and once again we got lost. We got on the highway and pretty much drove in a circle and wound up halfway home. We gave up looking for it and went back to Slim, Tad, and Langdon’s place to drink some more and watch Old School.

In the morning when Langdon drove us back to my car, we soon realized that my car was gone from the Extended Stay Inn lot. The fuckers had towed my car. There hadn’t even been a sign about towing where I came in! The expensive lesson I learned here, worth $170, if you’re going to Barleycorn just let the fucking valet take care of your car and they can worry about parking.

Cockblocking in Champaign

January 2007

Players: Me, Butch, his buddy Jeremy, G-Spot, Sloppy Shot, Honey, and Scruffelhauser.

I was in Champaign visiting G-Spot and Sloppy Shot. Our friends were there for party support. Butch may deny this today, but he really fancied my friend Honey and was not going to make this trip unless I somehow was able to get her on board. I accomplished this great feat. His buddy Jeremy was a little lonely and needed to meet new pussy, and since Butch would have been the oldest guy there Butch needed old wrinkly balls support from Jeremy.

For the record, may I say that I love Champaign. Frat boys flow like rivers of wine there. Not to mention it’s the only campus I’ve ever been to where the guys run with their shirts off!

A lot was going on this night. Butch was trying to get on Honey’s good side. And when Butch wasn’t trying to get on Honey’s good side, he and Jeremy were busy getting Sloppy Shot drunk as fuck. They’re nice kinda country or small town boys. They introduced Sloppy Shot to lunchboxes- a concoction of beer, orange juice, and Amaretto. Sounds disgusting, I know, but it’s actually pretty good. Sloppy Shot has never been the same since.

We started out at a bar called Murphy’s. I honestly don’t remember being there that night. Then we moved to a place called Joe’s. They had a slut box with poles with bitches who couldn’t dance. I try to restrain myself when it comes to a situation like this. You’ve seen them. You know what I’m talking about. Girls who don’t know what a beat is, yet they think they can dance anyway. Hey what you do in front of your bathroom mirror is your own business. When it comes to slut boxes and poles, leave it to me and my girls. I didn’t want to have to make you all look bad. Honey helped me though!

While me and Honey were shaking our sweet asses, I was not aware of this going on until we got back to the apartment, but G-Spot was trying to help a sister out and throw some guys at me.

He went up to a random guy and he said, “Go dance with my friend (me).”

Apparently the guy looked at me and was like “No, no, dude no.”

G-Spot even lied and was like “Dude, man she’s been talking about you all night, go dance with her!”

The guy was not expecting this juicy piece of news. “Really? Dude she’s hot, she really is, but I can’t dance!”

So much for matchmaking. What’s the lesson here? There is no match for my ass shaking skills!

After a couple hours of slut box dancing, Butch trying to hit on Honey, and me trying to keep random guys from dancing with me, there came a point where I happen to be next to Sloppy Shot and he was so drunk that he couldn’t even stand. I said something to the effect of “You’re cut off,” which really angered him. He decided to curse at me and tell me he wasn’t that drunk, which is when he fell over. Yes, that’s right, Sloppy Shot was so fucking drunk he fell over standing. No one pushed him. He was standing normal one second, and the next second he was on the floor. Sloppy Shot is one of the nicest guys I know. So for him to tell me to fuck off, was shocking to say the least! Well at that point, Scruffelhauser, G-Spot and I thought perhaps it was best to take Sloppy Shot home. Problem was when we got outside, Sloppy Shot screamed some more “Fuck You’s” and then took off angrily running to God knows where.

There was a guy I knew who also happened to be visiting Champaign this night. His name is Jack, and we have hooked up before. My friends were not big fans of him. We had been exchanging drunken texts the entire night. He was at a bar called the Station, which was literally right across the street. We left the bar at separate times and he was trying to get me to come by his brother’s fraternity house. G-Spot and Scruffelhauser quickly nipped that in the bud. They disliked this guy enough to deprive me of sex.

Neither Jack or I knew our way around Champaign. G-Spot wouldn’t give me directions. It was useless to ask Sloppy Shot who had made it back to the apartment, because he was incapacitated. In fact puking all over his sheets so Honey had to sleep in G-Spot’s room. G-Spot and Scruffelhauser were not about to let me leave the apartment, and even if Jack were to get directions from his brother to where we were at, G-Spot and Scruffelhauser would not let him in. So what was a drunk and horny girl to do?

She finally gave up and went to bed. UNSATISFIED. Because her friends would not take pity upon her vagina.