Lynx Babies and Company

March 2008

It was the morning/day of G-Spot’s birthday party, and for the life of me I feel like we did something fun the night before but I can’t remember at the moment. Boomp, Scruffelhauser, Sloppy Shot, and I were doing Power Hour and then played other various drinking games. G-Spot came out of his room to see what we were doing.

Being that we were all there for G-Spot’s 22nd birthday, and I’m the oldest in our group of friends (well used to be the oldest until Lyle Harris started hanging out with us), I started thinking about the future. I don’t know if this was because the booze was brought out the serious Lynx in me or if it was because I was getting “older.” I’ve got a pretty awesome group of friends and for whatever reason, I was wondering what traits they would pass onto their kids. Will they be calling me Lynx, or Aunt Lynx, Auntie Lynx, or perhaps Lynxie? Will our kids surpass our awesomeness? Time will tell!

Lynx: “I can’t wait til we all have kids and they sit around playing drinking games.”
G-Spot: “I’m not letting my kids hang out with your kids, ‘Stay away from those Lynx boys.’ Because you know you’re having boys, Lynx. I don’t think you have any X chromosomes to give!”

37 Dicks

September 2006

I was visiting G-Spot and Sloppy Shot down in Champaign along with Azami and her boyfriend at the time. We started out at a Christmas party in September at the Jewish Dorm. The party was cool in theory. Christmas when it’s hot as balls out? Why not! It was kind of awkward though. It really was a bunch of very nerdy 18 year olds running around. I’m sure they were very nice 18 year olds, but being 21, I just wanted to go to the bars. I spent most of my time in Santa’s room talking to Sloppy Shot or smoking a cig with G-Spot outside. At this time I was still a social smoker. Santa also had an awesome view of the Illini campus.

We let early and spent the rest of the night at Brothers getting drunk. We stumbled out drunk onto Green Street after last call, when all of a sudden I hear G-Spot yell to the other people walking by and he’s pointing at me.

G-Spot: “My Girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!!”
Random Guy: “In a row?”
Lynx: “What the fuck?? I am not his girlfriend! I haven’t sucked 37 dicks!”

I was angry. He kept shouting it to new people and they either responded with “With in a row?” or “Wow, that’s a lot of dicks!” Then G-Spot came across some guy walking with a pizza and it was like they were long lost brothers. G-Spot did the “My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks” line and the guy was like, “In a row?” They laughed and then started speaking a language they only seemed to know. It was the language of Borat. Then G-Spot took the pizza box out of the guy’s hand and tried to run off with it. He gave it back to the guy because his roommate would have been very pissed if he had shown up without a pizza.

We made it back to G-Spot and Sloppy Shot’s apartment. Kooter Kake also lived with them during this time but I have no idea where he was this night. He missed out on our shenanigans. G-Spot for whatever drunk reason, stripped down to his boxers and challenged Sloppy Shot to a wrestling match on their living room floor. Sloppy Shot never to back down from a challenge, only took his shirt off. I forgot who won.

I would learn at some point between Borat talk and passing out that the “My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!!” line was from the movie Clerks. It made me more forgiving about G-Spot trying to make me look like a whore on Green Street. When I was telling the tale to Jack, who would become the Champaign Cockblock 4 months later, he was not too pleased. He also had not seen Clerks and was thinking he wanted nothing to do with a girl who had sucked 37 dicks or who G-Spot claimed was his girlfriend (in jest).

 

Morning Margaritas

Just because I want you to know how badass I used to be.

Fall 2006

G-Spot, Sloppy Shot and Kooter Kake were roommates at the time. I happened to be visiting them in Champaign one weekend. That semester I made a trip or two a month to Champaign (because it’s like my favorite place on earth) so all the trips blurred into one another. It could have been a random solo trip, a random group trip, a birthday party, a sexual healing gang bang, who knows! All I remember is waking up that Sunday and I was sitting next to Kooter Kake on the couch. It was like 10:30 am, we were watching something on t.v. and no one else was up yet. I think that out of boredom Kooter Kake turned to me and said, “I still have some tequila left. Wanna start drinking?”

It was that, or I asked him if there was anything left to drink and I invited myself to use the rest of his tequila. He went to the kitchen and rummaged around. Came back out to the living room and presented not only a tequila bottle, but margarita mix. We were gonna class it up! 20 minutes into drinking the margaritas, I realized what a terrible idea it was. I was drinking on an empty stomach and the tequila began to tear at me.

G-Spot came walking out at that moment and asked, “What are you guys doing?”
Lynx: “Drinking. Want some margaritas?”
G-Spot: -in disbelief- “Are you serious? What time is it?”
Lynx: “Ten forty-five. Want some morning margaritas?”

 

Another Night in Champaign

April 2008

Players: Sloppy Shot, G-Spot, Boomp, Ricky Rousse, K-Ho, Honey

My BFF Sloppy Shot was having a big shindig for his 22nd birthday this year. Our group of friends came out in droves. The plan was to do a power hour (shot of beer every minute, for an hour), but instead of drinking to minute long clips of songs, we were drinking to minute long clips of The Office. I just wanted to share with the world the genius of Sloppy Shot. Because had something not gone wrong with the electronics after ten minutes or so, it would have been completely AMAZING.

You know how some people have those falling over each other drunk “I love you” moments? Well me and Boomp have similar moments, except instead of “I love you” it’s Boomp saying “YOU’RE MY FAVORITE ASIAN!” What can I say? I’m pretty awesome. Why shouldn’t I be his favorite Asian. This particular night, G-Spot’s girlfriend (who also is Asian) heard him say this to me and because she also is pretty cool, she was lightly offended that she could not be Boomp’s favorite Asian. No, this status is only reserved for me! G-Spot quickly whisked her away before we could fight over Boomp’s love for Asians (She would have lost anyway. Or so I like to tell myself haha). Whenever Boomp does this, you know he’s drunk and he’s having a great time. Therefore the only right thing to do is also have a good time with him!

What was really funny about this trip was that Ricky Rousse failed to tell his girlfriend at that time that he was even coming down in the first place. So she’s going about her business, without a fucking clue that we were partying it up for Sloppy Shot’s birthday. She just happened to call him to see what he was up to and she got “Yeah babe…I’m in Champaign. No babe, I’m not bathing in it. I’m 3 hours away IN CHAMPAIGN. Go Illini! Wooo!” How many guys can say they have the balls to pull that off? Hell even I would not have done that. And that says a lot.

So later that night, I sneak off to Sloppy Shot’s room to go pass out. Ricky Rousse isn’t that far behind me. I was already lying on Sloppy Shot’s futon, wrapped up in my sleeping bag that I brought with me. Ricky Rousse borrows G-Spot’s two person sleeping bag and, mind you he’s drunk, tries to share this two person sleeping bag with me.

Now being a single female and my friend Ricky Rousse who is a taken male, I didn’t think the situation was a very good one to be in. Not that anything would have happened between us, just if his girlfriend were to ever get wind that we shared a futon, she would have gone ballistic. If she heard we shared a sleeping bag, well not only would Ricky Rousse lose his balls but I probably would have lost my boobs or my head too. I told Ricky Rousse that I was fine and there was no need to share a sleeping bag. In fact, I much rather preferred that we have barriers aka sleeping bags between us. Well drunk Ricky Rousse takes it personal, it never occuring to him that as innocent as we behave, a girlfriend may be a little upset by the situation. I try to tell him that this is the right etiquette and all I get in return is a “Fuck you, I see how it is. You don’t want to share a sleeping bag with me. Two friends just sleeping on a futon with a sleeping bag. I’m trying to be nice and I’m suddenly the asshole!”

Excuse me for doing the right thing and trying not to piss off your girlfriend!!

I wake up the next morning and I’m told that some guy was trying to take K-Ho home even though she was sick and puking. The dirtbag tried to talk Honey into letting him take her back to his apartment. Here’s a rough conversation of what happened while K-Ho was in the bathroom. And try to imagine our sweet Honey being a little bitchy, and imagine this dirtbag thinking he could away with taking K-Ho home even though no one was going to let him do that.

Honey: “What are you doing?”
Dirtbag: “Waiting on K-Ho. We’re going back to my place.”
Honey: “Yeah she’s staying here tonight. She’s not going anywhere.”
Dirtbag: “You know I’m a good guy, you can trust her with me.”
Honey: “Uhh I am not letting her leave with you. She’s puking right now and when she comes out, she’s staying here!”

I should stop being surprised by the lengths that guys will go to in order to get laid. Everyone made it home in one piece from this weekend and they lived to be in more Lynx chronicles!

Cockblocking in Champaign

January 2007

Players: Me, Butch, his buddy Jeremy, G-Spot, Sloppy Shot, Honey, and Scruffelhauser.

I was in Champaign visiting G-Spot and Sloppy Shot. Our friends were there for party support. Butch may deny this today, but he really fancied my friend Honey and was not going to make this trip unless I somehow was able to get her on board. I accomplished this great feat. His buddy Jeremy was a little lonely and needed to meet new pussy, and since Butch would have been the oldest guy there Butch needed old wrinkly balls support from Jeremy.

For the record, may I say that I love Champaign. Frat boys flow like rivers of wine there. Not to mention it’s the only campus I’ve ever been to where the guys run with their shirts off!

A lot was going on this night. Butch was trying to get on Honey’s good side. And when Butch wasn’t trying to get on Honey’s good side, he and Jeremy were busy getting Sloppy Shot drunk as fuck. They’re nice kinda country or small town boys. They introduced Sloppy Shot to lunchboxes- a concoction of beer, orange juice, and Amaretto. Sounds disgusting, I know, but it’s actually pretty good. Sloppy Shot has never been the same since.

We started out at a bar called Murphy’s. I honestly don’t remember being there that night. Then we moved to a place called Joe’s. They had a slut box with poles with bitches who couldn’t dance. I try to restrain myself when it comes to a situation like this. You’ve seen them. You know what I’m talking about. Girls who don’t know what a beat is, yet they think they can dance anyway. Hey what you do in front of your bathroom mirror is your own business. When it comes to slut boxes and poles, leave it to me and my girls. I didn’t want to have to make you all look bad. Honey helped me though!

While me and Honey were shaking our sweet asses, I was not aware of this going on until we got back to the apartment, but G-Spot was trying to help a sister out and throw some guys at me.

He went up to a random guy and he said, “Go dance with my friend (me).”

Apparently the guy looked at me and was like “No, no, dude no.”

G-Spot even lied and was like “Dude, man she’s been talking about you all night, go dance with her!”

The guy was not expecting this juicy piece of news. “Really? Dude she’s hot, she really is, but I can’t dance!”

So much for matchmaking. What’s the lesson here? There is no match for my ass shaking skills!

After a couple hours of slut box dancing, Butch trying to hit on Honey, and me trying to keep random guys from dancing with me, there came a point where I happen to be next to Sloppy Shot and he was so drunk that he couldn’t even stand. I said something to the effect of “You’re cut off,” which really angered him. He decided to curse at me and tell me he wasn’t that drunk, which is when he fell over. Yes, that’s right, Sloppy Shot was so fucking drunk he fell over standing. No one pushed him. He was standing normal one second, and the next second he was on the floor. Sloppy Shot is one of the nicest guys I know. So for him to tell me to fuck off, was shocking to say the least! Well at that point, Scruffelhauser, G-Spot and I thought perhaps it was best to take Sloppy Shot home. Problem was when we got outside, Sloppy Shot screamed some more “Fuck You’s” and then took off angrily running to God knows where.

There was a guy I knew who also happened to be visiting Champaign this night. His name is Jack, and we have hooked up before. My friends were not big fans of him. We had been exchanging drunken texts the entire night. He was at a bar called the Station, which was literally right across the street. We left the bar at separate times and he was trying to get me to come by his brother’s fraternity house. G-Spot and Scruffelhauser quickly nipped that in the bud. They disliked this guy enough to deprive me of sex.

Neither Jack or I knew our way around Champaign. G-Spot wouldn’t give me directions. It was useless to ask Sloppy Shot who had made it back to the apartment, because he was incapacitated. In fact puking all over his sheets so Honey had to sleep in G-Spot’s room. G-Spot and Scruffelhauser were not about to let me leave the apartment, and even if Jack were to get directions from his brother to where we were at, G-Spot and Scruffelhauser would not let him in. So what was a drunk and horny girl to do?

She finally gave up and went to bed. UNSATISFIED. Because her friends would not take pity upon her vagina.