January 2009
K-Ho and I were at JLo’s drinking when his roommate E and his entourage came in from having a fancy dinner for E’s birthday. I happened to notice this tall guy walking into the bathroom, I would later be introduced to him and his name was Kreepster. He left the door open and leaned over the toilet, spitting out clumpy black stuff. We were disgusted not only because he did this with the door open, but he also got it all over the toilet seat! I had no idea what this shit was until K-Ho and JLo told me the guy was chewing (tobacco).
JLo, K-Ho, myself, and JLo’s other female friend decided to head out to Barleycorn. JLo was a pimp walking in there with 3 lovely ladies. There were a lot of good looking guys there but it sucked because a lot of them were either gay or with an ugly chick. So I sat there just admiring this gay guy standing by our table, wishing there was something I could do make him straight.
We met up with E and his entourage at Nick’s Uptown for afterhours. We got to know the people a tad better. For instance, they were going all out on these energy kickers and said weird Hoosier stuff like “Let’s rage!” I felt like they were invading Chicago. I mean come on, that’s sad, they’re from Indiana. Should we be letting this happen?
One of the guys, Lumberjack, was hard for K-Ho. I can’t say that I talked to him at all, but something was bothering me about him. So I made sure that I consciously turned on my cockblock switch. He would be a sorry man if he pushed me. I tried to tell her that she had beer goggles on. She wasn’t very happy to hear that, and was even less happy when I showed her the text I was sending to Honey: “K-Ho has beer goggles on and I can’t stop her!” I even said something to JLo about the situation, since he was also looking out for her.
E comes up to me, trying to help his buddy Lumberjack out. But I’m relentless. Even if you think you’ve sidetracked me or thrown me off a scent, I come back with triple the zeal. So E says to me, “Look at them. They’re in love. Just let them be, it’s a beautiful thing.” We were both pretty drunk, him more than I, so we kept arguing over whether Lumberjack and K-Ho were in love or not.
I somehow got stuck talking to the Kreepster (tobacco chewer). I had heard stories about him from JLo and E, but I didn’t really know what to expect. K-Ho sent me a text asking if I thought Kreepster was attractive or someone I would make out with. I said no and then she texted me back with, “Not even drunk?” I looked at the Kreepster again and considered it. I’m drunk. If I were more drunk would I be attracted to him? I texted back to K-Ho, “Okay fine.”
Later, the Kreepster came up to me with a cigarette. I don’t smoke really, but I decided to be nice and accept the cig. We went outside to smoke. I found out that he was an accountant and I laughed to myself. I have an affinity for business types (Leo= marketing/sales, Langdon= financial advisor). The Kreepster gained bonus points for expressing an interest in tax law. I encouraged him to go to law school (I do that to everyone I come across, since I also want to go to law school). He didn’t lose any points for saying that he didn’t want to do more school.
The Kreepster then asked if I was sleeping over at E’s. I immediately knew where this conversation would go if I let it, so I nipped it in the bud. I didn’t want to crash at Kreepster’s for a romp, so I didn’t even give him the opportunity to offer.
Kreepster: “So are you staying at E’s?”
Lynx: “Yeah.”
Kreepster: “It’s going to be packed-”
Lynx: “Well I don’t care, I even have a bed!”
We got back to JLo and E’s apartment around 5 AM. All the places for drunk munchies were closed. I took it upon myself to raid their fridge. They didn’t have much to work with, but K-Ho and I started drunk cooking eggs, toast, and hot dogs. The eggs and the hot dogs turned out okay. My eggs were shitty and I was afraid that I was going to burn the building down. I kept having problems with the toast. No matter how many minutes I put it on (they only had a toaster oven), it would not become toast! One of the guys in the entourage came over to take a look at what was wrong, it turns out the toaster oven wasn’t even plugged in.
As we were finishing up in the kitchen, the entourage filtered in. I then heard,
Guy: “Why did you sleep with his ex-girlfriend? He would never do that to you.”
Girl: “Why are we talking about this, it’s so uncomfortable.”
From what I could understand, they were talking about Lumberjack. K-Ho and I went into JLo’s room to sleep and Lumberjack followed us, trying to clear himself. K-Ho had not heard what had been said. It was almost 6 AM, I was tired and this random guy was in my way of sleeping. I couldn’t tell if K-Ho really wanted to talk to him more or if she would just go along with it to be nice, so I turned to him and said not too nicely, “I’m passing out. If you guys want to talk, could you leave the room and do it.” K-Ho declined to talk, the guy left, and we went to bed.
During this time, we weren’t aware that JLo left the apartment for us to burn down with our drunk cooking. He was so hopped up on energy kickers that he left and went to Dunkin’ Donuts where he witnessed an altercation involving hobos.
JLo: “Ya I was there and a hobo inside was fighting for a free coffee refill. He turned to me and yelled at me for money and I thought I was going to get stabbed, so I told him I’d invest in his thirst but not his warmth, so I got him an iced coffee.”
There you have it. Hobos are dangerous in Chicago. They may not go up to you in a drive-thru like in St. Louis and swear by their momma they’re not going to harm you, but the hobos are going after our apple fritters dammit!! When will it end??
