Totally Not In Love

E: “JLo said you went on a date, I was like what? I thought we were young and in love. I guess we’re just young.”

Valentine’s Day: Lynx Style

February 2009

As you may know, I organized an Anti-Valentine’s Day party this year. I haven’t had a boyfriend or sweetheart in a long time, so I’ve been flowerless and romantic dinnerless for the past 5 years. I also haven’t ever gotten laid on Valentine’s Day. So as you can imagine, I’m not too excited when this day comes around. E thought we should get wasted because of how pathetic it was that we were all single on Valentine’s Day. This was not the direction I wanted to go, I didn’t want people crying this night. It was more a celebration of being single. The plan was that we would start off at Uncle Fatty’s and then go to Hang Uppe’s for after hours. I invited all the Kutcher House boys, while Bad-Ass and Papa Tom came in from St. Louis with their buddy Stud.

We decided to meet up with K-Ho at JLo and E’s apartment, however since we were behind schedule, the guys were at Uncle Fatty’s when we arrived in the city. JLo said that he left the back door open for us in case we needed to stop in for anything. Well we walked around to the back, and we’re standing in the alley when we discover that there’s a gated door and it’s locked. Bad-Ass jumps over the fence and lets us in. It was like he was channeling Jackie Chan. It was amazing. Thank God, he was able to do that. There was no way K-Ho or I was going to climb that fence in high heels.

Once inside the grounds, I started running up the stairs. I realized after a couple flights that I didn’t know which one was JLo and E’s back door. I went to a door I thought was perhaps theirs, but it was locked. So I started trying to open ALL the doors on that floor. They were all locked. Then it hit me that I was on the wrong side of the building. I ran down the stairs and across the yard to another set of stairs. I couldn’t remember what letter the apartment was, so I wasn’t much better than my first attempt of trying to open random doors. Bad-Ass was the one who found the magic door and we took shelter from the fucking cold.

Bad-Ass: “Yeah I’m better than the natives. I climbed a fucking wall and broke in to a random apartment!”

We started drinking a little bit as K-Ho changed out of her work clothes. When she was done, she asked if she was missing anything. I went through the checklist: lipstick, money, ID. She had everything and then Bad-Ass chimed in “What about me?” K-Ho and I answered him at the same time.

K-Ho: “Money?”
Lynx: “Magnums?”
Bad-Ass: “Check and check. Wow, we all know where your minds are at.”
Lynx: “Hey the condoms are the most important thing. Screw money!”

We piled into a cab and arrived at Uncle Fatty’s. On top of being graced with the presence of the St. Louis boys, JLo and E, Beer Muscles brought some of his friends from home, Pavel surprisingly showed up, and Alfonso came down from Madison. K-Ho and I started catching up with drinks. Stud went balls out and was downing drinks like a fish. This portion of the night, while my most sober, I can’t remember many of the details. Alfonso was mad at me over something at happened at my graduation party, 8 months earlier. We had gone to the bars and the Kutcher boys left to go to the casino. I didn’t think they were coming back, so my friends called it a night kinda early since we had a big event the next day (glorious Field Day which will be told one day). Well oops, my bad, after 2 hours they left the casino but I was already on my way back home and was not going to go back out when I had to be up early to help set up. I think I caught up with Pavel for a little bit, but I couldn’t tell you what we talked about. I know JLo, E, K-Ho and I did O-bombs. I also know that I was one of those drunken girls who fall over themselves. I did a complete wipeout.

I was standing next to E at one point and was telling me about the line he was using that night, “It’s so crowded in here but I feel so alone.” I could already tell that it wasn’t a very successful line and told him that if he wanted to remain optimistic about meeting a chick that was down to fuck, he needed to think of a new line.

After a while, the St. Louis boys disappeared. Apparently Stud had drunk way too much, way too fast and was puking outside. Beer Muscles and company wanted to leave for Hang Uppe’s and it was only 1 AM. They started disappearing and hopping in cabs. Pavel, K-ho and I decided to share one and just before I got inside the cab, out of nowhere Bad-Ass is running at me, yelling my name.

Bad-Ass: “Lynx! Where are you going??”
Lynx: “Hang Uppe’s! But you won’t fit in this cab with us.”
Bad-Ass: “You’re leaving us??”
Lynx: “You can follow me…in another cab…”
Bad-Ass: “You’re leaving us in the city? Stud needs to lie down, he’s not going to make it to Hang Uppe’s. We don’t know how to get back to JLo’s apartment! You can’t leave us!”
Lynx: “Umm…[JLo and E’s address]. Use the back door to get in. Bye!”

When we saw the line at Hang Uppe’s I said, “Fuck it, let’s go somewhere else. I don’t want to wait in line. It’s fucking cold!” Pavel suggested going to a place called Mothers, and we headed in that direction. Being completely drunk I tried to just walk in. The bouncer asked me for $5 and I told him that I didn’t want a footlong. As in a footlong from Subway. He thought I meant dick. Awkward!

K-Ho and I walked into the place and immediately this Smooth Guy came over, complimenting her. “Oh you’re so hot and I just had to say hi.” Beer Muscles or Pavel were getting us drinks and so I turned my attention to them when Smooth Guy’s friend came up to talk to me.

Smooth Guy’s Friend: “Hey, how’s it going?”
Lynx: “Good. Yourself?”
Smooth Guy’s Friend: “The same, so how do you know these guys?”
Lynx: “They’re from the same fraternity, I was their neighbor.”
Smooth Guy’s Friend: “Oh that’s cool.”
Lynx: “You know what, I know the wingman business, you don’t have to talk to me. It’s totally unnecessary.”
Smooth Guy’s Friend: “Yeah you got me, I’m trying to be the wingman. Thanks for calling me out.”

And then Smooth Guy’s Friend said something that really pissed me off. I heard him call me a “frat ride,” meaning he thought I was some house slut. This is an issue I’ve come to blows over ( I once punched Beer Muscles in the face) , so it’s not cool when someone automatically assumes I’m some dumb bitch groupie.

Lynx: “Just because I had a lot of frattys for friends doesn’t mean I was a frat ride.”
Smooth Guy’s Friend: “I didn’t call you a frat ride. I called you a frat girl.”
Lynx: “Okay you can go fuck yourself. Your friend isn’t going to get any pussy from my girl over there.”

I called Pavel over and told him the situation. I then told him to go cockblock Smooth Guy. K-Ho overheard me and was like, “Oh my God, yes please, I need a cockblock from this guy!”

I signed up to do karaoke. And then realized that I had to donate $20 to charity for picking a slow song (Faithfully by Journey). That wasn’t going to happen. They also were taking forever and I didn’t know how much longer I would be awake. E said he would leave with me, and then I got sidetracked by some people I knew making out. The guilty parties will not be named. I ran into JLo who said he was leaving. I found out that E totally left Mothers without me, so I went back with JLo.

 

The cab ride home was not good. I don’t know what crawled up his ass but JLo was being a straight up bitch. Something was wrong and he wouldn’t tell me, even after I asked him repeatedly. He just glowered at me and wouldn’t say a word. We got back to the apartment and he began slamming doors and storming around angrily. He began yelling at the St. Louis boys because Stud was lying on the bathroom floor next to the toilet. Bad-Ass had run out to get munchies, and I texted him to get me a steak quesedilla from Burriot House. E was just sitting on the couch, watching all of this. I don’t think he fully comprehended what was happening. However I was horrified. I had never seen JLo angry like this. EVER. Out of all of my groups of friends, I’m the one who was prone to being the loud angry drunk.

I made up my mind right then and there, that I would not be passing out in his room. I went into E’s room and asked to stay with him since JLo was being such an asshole. He was fine with it. I changed and came back out to check up on the St. Louis boys. JLo was in mid-rant and when he saw me standing next to E in my PJs, he just gave me the deathlook. He didn’t even finish what he was saying. He turned around and stormed off again, I heard some obscenities before he slammed the door of his room. I just didn’t understand what was going on.

Bad-Ass arrived with food in tow. He was checking up on Stud while I was sniffing his bag of munchies. I asked him if he had my steak quesedilla and the bastard didn’t because his phone had died. He didn’t get my text at all! I refrained from turning into the Hulk. I get angry when my drunk hunger isn’t sated. 

Lynx: “Oh man, I’m just craving some meat…”
Bad-Ass: “Yes Lynx, you can have a bite, go ahead.”

I said thanks and took off running with his food. I didn’t get too far though and he only let me have one bite. ONE BITE. Bastard let a girl starve. 

I let K-Ho in a couple hours later when she finally was dropped off by Pavel and Beer Muscles. Everyone else was passed out and I was so tired that I didn’t even turn on the light when we got inside. The only light available was from when I had turned the light on in E’s room when I left. I went right for his room and closed his door, which had been the only source of light for K-Ho. She walked to the bathroom in the dark and totally tripped over Stud who was sleeping on the floor. As in she totally wiped out and her head was a hair breath’s away from hitting the toilet. When she realized she tripped over Stud, she began yelling.

K-Ho: “THAT FUCKING HURT!!! What the fuck! What the fuck are you doing? Oh my God, are you okay? Is he okay?? Why the fuck are you lying on the floor??”

I passed out around 4 AM. I found out the hard way that you don’t want to pass out with E. He woke up at 8:30 and because he couldn’t fall back to sleep, he began engaging me in conversation.

E: “Lynx, are you sleeping?”
Lynx: -mumbles-
E: “I can’t sleep. Can you talk to me?”
Lynx: “No.”
E: “But I really need someone to talk to. Wake up, hey look at me!”
Lynx: “I’m listening but my eyes are staying closed.”
E: “So…are you sleeping now?”
Lynx: “E, I think you need to shut the fuck up. Seriously. Let me sleep!”

5.5 Limp Dicks (Get It On)

Yesterday was Trap Bitch’s birthday. All the Hoosiers were over at JLo and E’s place grilling and playing Sink the Biz.  Unfortunately for me, E bought a case of Busch Light and I was drinking it. Surprisingly by number 3, it didn’t taste like shit anymore and I was disturbed by this fact. I wasn’t too social because of the Cubs vs. Cardinals game and the Sox vs. Rays game.  I don’t think they’ve ever seen a girl so dedicated to baseball for a day. The guys were filtering in and out, occasionally stopping to see what I was up to. The new Hoosier thing to say was, “Get it on!” They yelled that at each other, they yelled it at me, then they yelled at strangers walking by.

 

Hoosier 1: “GET IT ON!”
Hoosier 2: “Why aren’t you GETTING IT ON?!”
Hoosier 3: “Gotta get it on! No choice! GET IT ON!”

 

One of the times inside the apartment it was just myself, JLo and E. The conversation of fingering girls came up. E made a motion with his pointer finger and middle finger. I asked him, “You use those fingers to stick it in a vag?” He said yes and explained why a middle finger and ring finger sequence wasn’t very successful. For whatever reason I had always thought guys used the second sequence. They both thought I was dumb for thinking this, “How do you not know what a guy uses on you?” My only response was “Hey, I don’t question the pleasure I get!”

I texted Boomp, Mr. Wiggles, and Junior, “Survey, don’t ask. What fingers do you use to stick a vag?” for their opinions on the matter. Perhaps this wasn’t as universal as E and JLo were claiming. They all texted back the pointer finger and the middle finger. Or in Boomp’s case, “Maybe the ring finger gets involved if I’m feeling frisky.” The consensus also was that if three fingers could get in on the first attempt, the vag was way too loose. And it prolly had been tore up by a Black guy. That was not something they wanted to compete with. Or the girl was a complete slut.

Another time, E, JLo and Kreepster were in the room. I made a comment about how the average size was 5.5 inches for limp dicks. They looked at me like I was crazy.

 
Kreepster: “You are out of your league, you don’t know what you’re talking about!”
JLo: “That’s impossible, who are you fucking?”
E: “I don’t think those guys are limp when you get to them, Lynx. There’s no way.”
Lynx: “A dick can’t grow to be 10 inches if it’s only 5. Why do you keep saying that? It doesn’t have to be 10 inches!”
JLo: “If a dick is 5.5 inches, how big do you think it’s going to get?”
Lynx: “6 inches. Maybe 7.5 max.”
E: “You’re so wrong Lynx!”
Kreepster: ”I’ve seen limp dicks in the shower. No one ever had a 5.5 limp dick.”
JLo:  “A 5.5 inch limp dick does not get to be 7 inches. No guy is 5.5 inches when he’s limp. That’s too big for a limp dick! He would be over 10 inches! I eat pussy and still don’t know how it works, but I’ve been jerking off since 7 and I know this guy!”

 

I called up Bad-Ass and put him on speakerphone.

Lynx: “They’re telling me that there’s no such thing as a 5.5 inch limp dick. What are your thoughts?”
Bad-Ass: “That’s fucking ridiculous. You would have a 10 inch monster inside you!”
JLo: “See! Bad-Ass knows!”

 

Throughout this the rest of the Hoosiers shared their thoughts, which followed the lines of JLo, Kreepster, and E. Pimpin walked into the room and he asked to be caught up on the conversation. He wanted to know why we were talking about dicks. Once brought up to speed, he said, “You’re lucky if I’m 4 inches coming out of a warm shower.”

At the end of the night, E was leaning against me, ready to crash from all his drinking. He started talking about a girl he was seeing. When asked if any he’d gotten any P in the VaG, he said nonchalantly but with certainty,

E: ”She was on the rag before but I’m gonna fuck her next week.”
Lynx: “Get. It. On!”

JLo’s Birfday (Someone Shat on the Dance Floor)

JLo was already at Grand Central when K-Ho and I rolled into the city. I had his apartment key and was having trouble opening his door, when someone opened it for me on the other side. E and his friend Trap Bitch were still there pre-gaming. K-Ho and I had come bearing gifts, and immediately started a round of Slapbag with a Franzia bag that was at least a month old.

We all hopped in a cab and us girls decided to re-write The Lonely Island’s “I’m On a Boat” song. Too bad we only got as far as two lines before we died of drunk laughter, not being able to continue. Or maybe we were just not drunk enough to be witty. This is what we have: “I’m in a cab, bitch. I got pricey tits.” Why are tits pricey? Beats the fuck out of me!

We arrived at Grand Central and ran into Christina, who we actually met during Night Out With Hoosiers. Christina and I had never gone to Grand Central before and we both commented on how it made us feel like we were back at NIU, at a bar called Molly’s. There were some decent looking guys there, but they didn’t impress K-Ho, Christina, or I. We did the only thing that girls can do in that situation, DANCE!

Every 5 minutes E kept saying, “I think he [JLo] needs another shot!” Fabulous was also around, but I don’t remember talking to him a lot. I noticed that Trap Bitch was missing, and asked about her. Apparently our game of Slapbag had done the poor girl in and she took a cab back to her apartment. I saw a gentleman I had seen a few times before, his name was Jacob. I then noticed there was a guy that wouldn’t leave Jacob’s side. If I had seen this guy walking down the street, I would never have given him a second glance but something kept making me look his direction. And then it hit me. I met him before!

It was Phil, the guy I made out with at Matisse, 3 years earlier. I did not recognize him at all! He was shorter than I remembered. His hair wasn’t the same. Maybe his face had changed too haha. I built this guy up (or down) in my memory and it was not the same man in the flesh. Was he scrawny now too? Where did his muscles go? I believe there’s a possibility that Jacob remembered me. He may have brought it to Phil’s attention but I didn’t care to speak to them. It was a drunk mistake. We’re allowed a couple of those, right?

It was hot inside Grand Central and we were getting restless. Christina, K-Ho and I decided to leave for Hang Uppe’s before the guys did. On our way out we ran into Kreepster and Pimpin (also from Night Out with Hoosiers) who were just arriving for the festitivities. Kreepster gave us an over-enthusiastic hello and we bounced. Since Christina lived next door to the bar, she wanted to change her shoes while we waited at Elm Street Liquors, another bar next to Hang Uppe’s. Some random Marines bought K-Ho and I some shots. Turned out she had a mutual acquaintance with one of them. I can’t remember if a dildo was involved.

When Christina showed up, we made our way to the back of the bar to sit down. It smelled pretty bad, but we thought someone had farted and ignored it. Then security guys came through shining their flashlights at the ground. I thought maybe someone was dumb enough to leave some drugs behind, but they wound up finding something worse. I kid you not, they found a couple piles of shit.

SOMEONE SHAT ON THE DANCE FLOOR!!

It literally smelled like shit. They busted out with the bleach and whatever else to clean up the mess. I couldn’t believe it. While it was great not having to smell shit anymore, the bleach wasn’t that much more pleasant. My eyes were watering, my nose hated me for being there, and my stomach wasn’t settling the shot I nearly choked on earlier- the bartender had left chunks of ice in my Soco Lime. By this point JLo, E, Pimpin, Fabulous, and Kreepster had already gotten into Hang Uppe’s. K-Ho and I were not champs this night, and took a cab back to E and JLo’s apartment a bit after 2 am. JLo was a little angry at us and sent a text saying that we shouldn’t sleep on his bed.

K-Ho and I got back to their apartment and started making food. She made awesomely delicious butter noodles while I cooked my specialty that is frozen hot dogs. She crashed on the couch and I took E’s bed after I made sure, since I was still in possession of JLo’s key, the back door was unlocked for the guys to get in. We passed out peacefully around 3:30 am.

I fell asleep the instant my head hit the pillow (or the White Sox blanket I was using as a pillow). I woke up when JLo kicked down E’s door and the noise scared the shit out of me. JLo came in and collapsed right against my side of the bed. He wouldn’t answer when I told him to get up. E then climbed over JLo and crawled into bed with me, totally trying to place his hands on my tits in the dark, trying to play it off as a drunk mistake. E kept talking to me, because he wasn’t tired. I told him I was going to punch him if he didn’t stop.

All of a sudden JLo fell over and he hit the floor so hard I thought he may have injured himself. I told E to check on him. E just left him on the floor, saying that JLo was okay. E went back to talking and I went back to trying to sleep. THUD. THUD. JLo was banging his shoes on the hard wood floor as he was tossing and turning. I made E move him out of the room and JLo in his drunken stupor got up and ran to go lie down outside on their porch.

Lynx: “You can’t leave him there!”
E: “He does this all the time in the summer.”
Lynx: “Uh what if he gets shanked??”
E: “Are you serious? You think someone’s going to shank him at 5:30 in the morning?”
Lynx: “Just bring him in!”

I’m going to skip over my failed attempt at making pancakes in the morning. K-Ho had to save the day on that and she doesn’t even like pancakes. I wound up cooking easy-over eggs and discovered that it’s an Asian thing to eat my eggs with soy sauce, as well as with a spoon. Oh and hey, for those of you who are seriously doubting my domestic abilities, I didn’t fuck up my eggs! As we were sitting around the living room, trying to wake up, Jordan shared his mother’s birthday card with us.

JLo: “So I woke up this morning, with my birthday card from my mom on top of me. I wondered why and looked at it again. It used to say ‘Love Mom,’ and now it says “Love Mom and Dad Fabulous.’ The fucker wrote on my birthday card!”

 

Why don’t you go cry to Daddy Fabulous about it JLo?

Night Out with Hoosiers

January 2009

K-Ho and I were at JLo’s drinking when his roommate E and his entourage came in from having a fancy dinner for E’s birthday. I happened to notice this tall guy walking into the bathroom, I would later be introduced to him and his name was Kreepster. He left the door open and leaned over the toilet, spitting out clumpy black stuff. We were disgusted not only because he did this with the door open, but he also got it all over the toilet seat! I had no idea what this shit was until K-Ho and JLo told me the guy was chewing (tobacco).   

JLo, K-Ho, myself, and JLo’s other female friend decided to head out to Barleycorn. JLo was a pimp walking in there with 3 lovely ladies. There were a lot of good looking guys there but it sucked because a lot of them were either gay or with an ugly chick. So I sat there just admiring this gay guy standing by our table, wishing there was something I could do make him straight.

We met up with E and his entourage at Nick’s Uptown for afterhours. We got to know the people a tad better. For instance, they were going all out on these energy kickers and said weird Hoosier stuff like “Let’s rage!” I felt like they were invading Chicago. I mean come on, that’s sad, they’re from Indiana. Should we be letting this happen?

One of the guys, Lumberjack, was hard for K-Ho. I can’t say that I talked to him at all, but something was bothering me about him. So I made sure that I consciously turned on my cockblock switch. He would be a sorry man if he pushed me. I tried to tell her that she had beer goggles on. She wasn’t very happy to hear that, and was even less happy when I showed her the text I was sending to Honey: “K-Ho has beer goggles on and I can’t stop her!” I even said something to JLo about the situation, since he was also looking out for her.

E comes up to me, trying to help his buddy Lumberjack out. But I’m relentless. Even if you think you’ve sidetracked me or thrown me off a scent, I come back with triple the zeal. So E says to me, “Look at them. They’re in love. Just let them be, it’s a beautiful thing.” We were both pretty drunk, him more than I, so we kept arguing over whether Lumberjack and K-Ho were in love or not.

I somehow got stuck talking to the Kreepster (tobacco chewer). I had heard stories about him from JLo and E, but I didn’t really know what to expect. K-Ho sent me a text asking if I thought Kreepster was attractive or someone I would make out with. I said no and then she texted me back with, “Not even drunk?” I looked at the Kreepster again and considered it. I’m drunk. If I were more drunk would I be attracted to him? I texted back to K-Ho, “Okay fine.”

Later, the Kreepster came up to me with a cigarette. I don’t smoke really, but I decided to be nice and accept the cig. We went outside to smoke. I found out that he was an accountant and I laughed to myself. I have an affinity for business types (Leo= marketing/sales, Langdon= financial advisor). The Kreepster gained bonus points for expressing an interest in tax law. I encouraged him to go to law school (I do that to everyone I come across, since I also want to go to law school). He didn’t lose any points for saying that he didn’t want to do more school.

The Kreepster then asked if I was sleeping over at E’s. I immediately knew where this conversation would go if I let it, so I nipped it in the bud. I didn’t want to crash at Kreepster’s for a romp, so I didn’t even give him the opportunity to offer.

Kreepster: “So are you staying at E’s?”
Lynx: “Yeah.”
Kreepster: “It’s going to be packed-”
Lynx: “Well I don’t care, I even have a bed!”

We got back to JLo and E’s apartment around 5 AM. All the places for drunk munchies were closed. I took it upon myself to raid their fridge. They didn’t have much to work with, but K-Ho and I started drunk cooking eggs, toast, and hot dogs. The eggs and the hot dogs turned out okay. My eggs were shitty and I was afraid that I was going to burn the building down. I kept having problems with the toast. No matter how many minutes I put it on (they only had a toaster oven), it would not become toast! One of the guys in the entourage came over to take a look at what was wrong, it turns out the toaster oven wasn’t even plugged in.

As we were finishing up in the kitchen, the entourage filtered in. I then heard,

Guy: “Why did you sleep with his ex-girlfriend? He would never do that to you.”
Girl: “Why are we talking about this, it’s so uncomfortable.”

From what I could understand, they were talking about Lumberjack. K-Ho and I went into JLo’s room to sleep and Lumberjack followed us, trying to clear himself. K-Ho had not heard what had been said. It was almost 6 AM, I was tired and this random guy was in my way of sleeping. I couldn’t tell if K-Ho really wanted to talk to him more or if she would just go along with it to be nice, so I turned to him and said not too nicely, “I’m passing out. If you guys want to talk, could you leave the room and do it.” K-Ho declined to talk, the guy left, and we went to bed.

During this time, we weren’t aware that JLo left the apartment for us to burn down with our drunk cooking. He was so hopped up on energy kickers that he left and went to Dunkin’ Donuts where he witnessed an altercation involving hobos.

JLo: “Ya I was there and a hobo inside was fighting for a free coffee refill. He turned to me and yelled at me for money and I thought I was going to get stabbed, so I told him I’d invest in his thirst but not his warmth, so I got him an iced coffee.”

There you have it. Hobos are dangerous in Chicago. They may not go up to you in a drive-thru like in St. Louis and swear by their momma they’re not going to harm you, but the hobos are going after our apple fritters dammit!! When will it end??