Ando Almost Kills The Lynx

January/February 2005

Leela and I were drinking at the Kutcher House. For whatever reason Leela and I stepped outside and saw that Ando, brother in the House of David, was outside drunk having a smoke next to his car. At the time these two fraternities were right next to each other. We ran over to him to say hi. I jumped on him in my excitement. Now Ando is a big guy. Large in physique and muscular.  I thought he could handle a 140 pound girl. Yeah well I jump on him and the next thing I know, BAM! The fucker dropped me on the car! He wasn’t prepared for all that Lynx loving. When he fell, he twisted and we landed on the car. The wind was knocked out of me because Ando’s large body was crushing me.

Ando: Oh my God, are you okay?
Lynx: -can’t breathe-
Ando: Lynx, ARE YOU OKAY??
Lynx: -still can’t breathe-
Ando: Say something!
Lynx: Dying!
Ando: Oh my God! I killed Lynx!

Jumping on drunk people is a bad idea. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t learn my lesson. I’ve been dropped/fallen since this night.

How Not To Meet The Lynx’s Mom

September 2004

My sophomore year at NIU had just started and my mother was visiting the townhouse. To be honest, I hated when my parents showed up, they were always interfering with my drinking and party recovery. These activities were frowned upon by them, so like any typical college kid it was something I tried to hide.

My mother was cutting into me and Leela’s drinking time at the House of David and we were anxious for her to leave. Just when my mother was about to leave, there was a knock at at our back door. I answered it to see 3 House of David guys standing with 40s in their hands. Oh shit. They were wondering what was taking us so long. When they saw that my mother was there they came in to say hi to her.

I was flipping out in my head, “Oh my god they’ve got beer in their hands! She’s going to think all my friends are drunks and she’s going to hate them!”They were pretty drunk. Too fucking drunk to meet my mother. And yes, they did make asses of themselves in front of her.

Ando, in his drunkeness, thought we were Filipino and tried to speak Tagalog.

Ando: -speaking drunk Tagalog-
Mother of the Lynx: “What?”
Ando: -repeating drunk Tagalog-
Lynx: “Why are you talking in a foreign language?”
Ando: “You’re Filipino! You’re supposed to understand me! “

Young Russy kept trying to hug her and kiss her hand.

Lynx: “I think you need to get off my mom now.”
Young Russy: “Isn’t this what Asian people do? I’m trying to be nice!”

And Sharky kept blurting out, “She’s so hot. Lynx’s mom is so fucking hot!”

I was completely horrified. I kept hitting him to get him to shut up but he wouldn’t be quiet. Leela of course was more entertained by this than I was. We did a very unsuccessful job of trying to get the guys to leave our place. When my mother left, I yelled at the guys to never fucking do that again otherwise I would shove a 40 oz. up their asses.

The next day, I got a call from my mother.

Mother of the Lynx: “Those boys from yesterday, they stunk of alcohol. Are you sure they’re not doing drugs? I think you need to find new friends, they’re not good boys. And that one boy, he was a manslut* trying to touch me! “

* She was speaking in Asian and this is the best/closest translation for the actual word she used.

Halloween as a Pussycat Doll

Okay so this is really about Halloween 2004, but to preface this I have to sort of explain Halloween 2003.

I had just started hanging out with my future roommate Leela. For my costume I was a Pussycat Doll before they were cool and only a burlesque show. House of David and the Gentleman House were throwing a joint party and my BFFs at the time, Simba and Young Russy (House of David pledges) had to wear man-thongs, and only man-thongs, as their costume. Strangely enough, they got hit on by many girls this night. I got separated from Leela and wound up starting an apartment party across the street from the Jock House. Leela would be all by herself when she witnessed the guy she was seeing (House of David), make out with another girl in front of her and she ended her relationship with him after that. Once I was done with the apartment party, me and some girls went to crash the Tiki House who was having a mixer with a sorority. I barely remembered passing by a guy in a Duff Man costume. I would learn months down the line that this was Leo. 

October 2004

We were back at the Gentlemen House. I was a Pussycat Doll again because I loved it so much. I was one of the few original costumes at parties and no one really had the balls to wear the outfit. Leela wore the same exact costume both years, her booty short panties and a tank top. She was an “underwear model.” Anyway I was lust-struck and kinda followed Scooby Douche around since it was his fraternity. His bitch neighbors tried to infere with us again. I got separated from Lauren. She was seeing our neighbor who happened to be a Gentleman Alum and just like the year before, she would watch this guy also make out with another chick in front of her face. Since she obviously was upset, I thought that it would be best to leave.

When I pulled her outside to make the 6 building walk to our townhouse, I realized I had to puke. I went off to the bushes with Leela holding my hair back. This actually was the highlight of my night because as I was dryheaving, some drunk guy who had been pissing by us, came up to me and said, “You know, you’re a really good dancer!” All I could say was, “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m puking, get the fuck outta here!”

I probably should have asked him out on a date. It’s not often that a guy compliments a girl while she’s vomiting in the grass outside a fraternity house in her panties.

Scooby Douche

Fall 2004

Scooby Douche was a guy I mooned over for a semester. We hooked up a few times, he was the most gorgeous guy I had ever seen. He had awesome shaggy hair, cherub angel lips, and these amazing blue-green eyes. He was from the Gentlemen House which upped my desire for him. Upon finding out about a “Conquer List” that my roommate and I had, I liked him enough to tell him that he was not a “conquest” to me. He did knock out two categories for me, but I relinquished my notches of “Shaggy Hair” and “Gentlemen House.” Scooby Douche is the reason why I stopped giving guys the benefit of a doubt. He would go on to be an Abercrombie & Fitch model. Or so I was told.

There was a slight incident when me and my roommate Leela were at his townhouse. His roommates were throwing a party so a lot of their fraternity brothers and random people were there. Scooby Douche and I were having a fall out. I was trying to talk to him and his crazy bitch ass neighbor was all over his nuts. Leela and I called this crazy bitch neighbor, Pinnochio, because she had a huge Gonzo nose and she was ugly as shit. Scooby Douche didn’t even want her!

I felt like I was in enemy territory. A few weeks before I had gone through some shit with another female neighbor of his, who was jealous of me. And now this slut was throwing herself at him. These girls did not want Scooby Douche and I to be alone together. He finally managed to pull me out to the back porch, so we could talk without Gonzo noses distracting us.

At the same time, Leela was bitching at one of Scooby Douche’s roommates, Marino. They were friends, and it was through them that Scooby Douche and I met in the first place. Marino had been in love with Leela and when she rejected him, he found himself a substitute. We didn’t like the girl, because she was a dirty slut. We also knew that she was cheating on him with another frat boy: our friend Simba, from the House of David.

Leela: “Who the hell is that slut? Why is she all over Scooby Douche’s cock? Is he fucking playing my girl?”

When Marino didn’t give her any good answers, she threw it in his face that his slut girlfriend was hooking up with Simba. She came to find me. We left and when we got home, she wrote a lovely poem to cheer me up.

Leela’s poem:

There once was a boy,
Kind of looked like part of the Scooby Crew
Was part of the team until he realized
There were no Asian girls in it to screw,
Once he noticed that his right hand
Just couldn’t give him the big “O,”
He was attacked by his neighbor
Who closely resembles Pinnochio.
Disgusted and appalled, he looked to
His roommate to cockblock
But the roomie was pissed cause his girl was
Sucking a House of David boy’s cock.

Dante: Tiki House Sweetheart

Fall 2004

Simba and I were smoking up when Dante came into the room. Within the House of David I had 2 smoking circles that I ran with. Simba and Dante were in the first one, which was the more urban ghetto group. We used Philly blunts, they would do freestyle rapping, and we always ordered beer nuggets. The second group was made up of the stereotypical potheads who loved using glass (pipes, hitters, bongs) to smoke, listened to Sublime every time they smoked up, and we’d drive out to Rockford so we could fulfill our munchies at the Old Country Buffet. 

We hadn’t seen Dante in a while. The three of us and 2 others had formed a really tight smoking circle the previous year, and it looked like Dante was spending more and more time away from us. Where would Dante go? Well he actually spent a significant amount of time at another fraternity house- Tiki House. Dante was a DJ and when he wasn’t spinning for House of David parties, he was usually at Tiki House, gracing the rednecks (I jokingly use this term) with his presence.

So here was Dante in the room with us. Before he could leave and be missing in action for a week or two, Simba chose to call Dante out.

I’m going to give you some information you’ll need to know in order to understand the following insult. For those of you who don’t understand the world of fraternities, when they do composites, they vote on a female to be “House Sweetheart.” This is usually someone’s girlfriend or a really good girl friend of the house.

Simba: “Dante, you are the Tiki House Sweetheart. Man, you joined the wrong fraternity. Can I smoke witchu? Just once? Every time I wanna smoke witchu you’re smoking wit them. Can I get in on that?? I could be the first Black Tiki! I wanna be a Tiki, I want to have bonfires in front of my house. You’re always Tiki this, Tiki that, man next thing you know you’re gonna be on the damn Tiki composite. Dante ——, Tiki House Sweetheart. The Tiki House Bitch. Man put all your hoes together and it still doesn’t equal one-tenth of black in you.”

I, of course, was stoned and laughing my ass off during this.

Century Club + Butter

August/September 2004

I was at the House of David (frat house) doing Century Club with my buddies. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s like a power hour. You drink a shot of beer, on the minute, every minute until an hour has passed. In the case of century club, you drink for 100 minutes. If that sounds appealing, I highly recommend this. It’s a really good way to get fucked up.

I was pretty far gone at 70 shots into Century Club. Belligerently so. One minute I’m doing shots and the next minute two guys, my friends Simba and Dante, have to literally carry me back to my place because my legs won’t function. Luckily for them I was their backyard neighbor and we only had 30 steps to go. They took me upstairs to my bathroom because I needed to puke. And as I’m puking I start crying my drunk little eyes out.

Simba: “Lynx, why you cryin’ girl?”
Lynx: “I don’t want you to see me puking! Get out of my bathroom!!”

Simba asked me if I wanted something to eat to soak up the alcohol. I was too busy crying to answer. So he told Dante to go make some toast.

Lynx: “Go away!!”

Simba: “I ain’t leavin’ your ass, we been through too much for me to leave now. Remember when I was naked in the shower and you washed my back because I had Sharpie all over me?”

 

Dante comes back and they work together to get me to eat. Dante is holding me up on the floor and Simba is trying to feed me toast.

Lynx: “Why is there no butter on my toast?”
Dante: “Oh hell naw, why you wild’n out?”
Lynx: “I WANT FUCKING BUTTER ON MY TOAST!!! I want it! I want butter…on my toast…”-blaaagh-
Dante: “You’re lucky I even got you toast! You think I’m getting laid for this shit? I ain’t your boyfriend!”

 

I told them to leave me on the floor, which they did. Only to have my roommate trip over me when she got back from the house.