Headboards

On the way home from Alumni, Buttersauce and I drove past 3 fast food places before finally finding a place that was open. As this was going on, a friend of Scruffelhauser’s roommate was texting me to meet up for afterhours. I was wanting some bone city (I’m stealing this term from G-Spot) and I’m pretty sure this guy knew what he would be getting himself into. I had the house to myself for a couple days and instead of driving out to him, I was trying to persuade him with a case of Coors to come over to my place. Which is when this conversation with Buttersauce happened.

Lynx: Dude I don’t want to fuck in my bed. The headboard is too fucking loud, so annoying.

Buttersauce: -laughing-

Lynx: It’s true! Jack came over one night and we started going at it, headboard’s banging against the wall with my brother right next door in his room. My brother comes out and starts pounding on my door and telling me to be quiet.

Buttersauce: Oh my God! He did not!

Lynx: As Jack is fucking me, I’m like, “Dude go watch some tv downstairs!” My brother refuses to go downstairs and I refuse to stop fucking. That damn headboard was so loud my brother heard the entire thing. The headboard could have put a hole in the wall, we were fucking so hard!

The Most Beautiful Guy in the World

April 2006

Lynx: So this guy came in, I’m at the register and I wasn’t really paying attention. I look up and I just kinda…freeze because I’m looking into the most beautiful pair of eyes I have ever seen in my life. I don’t even see his face and I was kinda like staring, I couldn’t even do anything. But yeah so I started ringing him up and what not, and I looked at him from the corner of my eye. Absolutely one of the most beautiful guys I had ever seen in my life. He had a shaved head and I was like, if he had the shaggy hair he would’ve been a pretty boy.

Jack: Hahaha I have shaggy hair, what does that mean?

Lynx: Dude he could’ve told me the truth and I wouldn’t have believed anything he said, he was too beautiful!

Jack: Hahahaha You’re nuts

Lynx: Yeah well unfortunately for him, he’s no longer the most beautiful.

Jack: Why?

Lynx: I found someone else.

Jack: Me? Thanks. I get that a lot, but it never gets old! Are you hinting at something?

Lynx: Haha, not hinting at anything

Jack: SUUUUUUUUUUUUUURE

Lynx: Why would I say something someone already knows?

Jack: Sometimes people forget And everyone loves an ego boost. Watch this, Lynx you’re gorgeous and I’d love to motorboat you.

Tiki House Visit

August 2006

It was the beginning of move-in weekend at NIU. I was partying it up at the Kutcher House despite having just transferred to another school. I was standing outside talking to some of the Kutcher guys when I received a text from Jack, wanting to meet up later that night. He just started graduate school at NIU but his dumbass went home to Carol Stream for the weekend, while I went to Dekalb in hopes of running into him. Ironic. I moved quickly and texted Leo, I knew he was in town visiting his fraternity, the Tiki House.

Lynx: We should totally fuck tonight.
Leo: I’m in Dekalb, what about you?
Lynx: 4 houses down, with the Kutcher Boys.
Leo: Come on over, I’ll be on the third floor.

I met up with him and his best friend, Jean-Luc, in some brother’s room. Of course it was filled with girls. I sat next to Leo on the couch while Jean-Luc handed me beers. I was a little uncomfortable only because even though I had been to the Tiki House enough, they were not my friends and I still was a Kutcher girl. I  didn’t know these girls that kept putting their hands on Leo and telling him how hot he was. I found the whole thing entertaining. I remember thinking if I had cared about him at this point in time, I should have been jealous. But I didn’t give a damn. However I was growing impatient. I thought I was going to show up, have a beer, bone, and then get back to the Kutcher House. He was actually making me hang out with everyone.

When people began passing out, Leo tried finding a place for us to go. He graduated the previous spring and no longer lived at the house. We ran into a brother who was going to some skank’s apartment and said we could have his room. If I took the time to think about it, I could tell you how many months it had been since Leo and I saw each other last. We had just gotten reacquainted with each other through AIM a couple weeks earlier. I knew that Leo hadn’t had sex in 5 or 6 months due to a pregnancy scare with some other girl. He wanted to get back into the game and I was more than willing to help a “friend” out.

Leo tried to kiss me. Since he made me wait, I wasn’t in the mood for the usual moves that lead to sex. It was happening and it sure as hell didn’t need kissing to initiate it. I was drunk and climbed on top of him. We fucked a lot that night, it still holds my record, but I can’t remember if we started with clothes on or if it all came off later. I was wearing a skirt that night, so it’s possible I rode him with it on. The frat house doesn’t have air conditioning and the room we fucked in only had a ceiling fan which didn’t do us any good.

After having sex the third time (but not the last time), I lay on the futon, spent and satisfied. I was too tired to move away from Leo. On the verge of drifting to sleep, I heard someone at the door playing with the knob. It was locked so this drunk resourceful person successfully keyed the door (why did I never have this luck??). Leo and I were completely nude when the drunk person, a Tiki brother, walked in on us. He was pretty surprised at the sight of us. I didn’t try to cover myself, it was way too damn hot.

Tiki Brother: What the hell is going on here?
Leo: Umm…
Tiki Brother: Dude [room's owner] said I could crash here.
Leo: Yeah…I’m sorry man. As you can see the room’s a bit occupied. I owe you next time!

After he left we had sex again, and again, and again- well you get the point. I would have loved to tell you we fucked that many times without kissing once, and you can blame me for this one, but his face was way too close to mine so I just went for his mouth. And as I once told Boomp, “It didn’t mean anything!” It’s good that Leo was able to unleash on me. After I was dropped off at my car in the morning, Leo and Jean-Luc went paintballing. It was Leo’s first time and lucky him, he got shot in the dick. It was blue and black for a while.

“Let’s Talk”

May 2008

I was going through a difficult period from April through the end of July. This particular weekend I was a big fucking mess. I had just gotten home from the bars when I received a text from Jack saying, “I love you.” It was so random and out of the blue. Never saw that one coming. Here is the sequence of my reactions to this text:

1) Shock. I hadn’t talked to Jack in months. The last time we spoke was the weekend I took the LSAT (September 2007). He wanted to hang out and when I called him after I got done with the test, he suddenly didn’t want to pick up his phone. Never got an explanation for that. 

2) Disbelief. I had declared my love to someone else the month before. I’ve known Jack for years and he was just saying this now? What sort of sick twist of fate was this? 

3) Anger. How dare Jack tell me he loves me. Jack was the king of false hope.  After all the shit he put me through, for him to say “I love you” was just fucked up and I was not going to accept it.

4) Sadness. Jack obviously was not the person I wanted to hear those words from. I felt like it was one huge cosmic joke being played on me.

 

Text conversation

Lynx: “Did you mean to send that to me?”
Jack: “Yes. I don’t know how we haven’t dated yet or at least seen each other constantly. 
Lynx: “I was really crazy about you.”
Jack: “Why didn’t we go out?”
Lynx: “Because of the bullshit you pulled when I took the LSAT.”
Jack: “I miss you. Let’s talk about this.”

Against my better judgement I drove out to see him at 3 AM. I deserved to know what the hell happened. There was no chance of getting back with him, but I just wanted to hear what he had to say. Believe me, it was pretty mature of me to do. The last time someone had said “I love you” to me, I shut down and cut him out of my life. 

I arrived at his buddy’s place where he was staying. We went through the bullshit pleasantries and then his friends left us to pass out. Jack and I took it to the couch. I was waiting for him to stop the small talk and say whatever it was he had to say. Well that didn’t happen. Instead he tried to kiss me. 

Lynx: “What are you doing?”
Jack: “Um…trying to kiss you, I think. Are we not going to kiss?”
Lynx: “I didn’t come here to kiss you. I can get kisses back home. So what’s up? You wanted to talk.”
Jack: “Um…okay…I really think we should kiss first though.”
Lynx: “Did you honestly think that I would show up tonight and it would be like nothing happened? Did you think I would just forget?”
Jack: “Um…I don’t know. Do we really have to talk? Can’t you think of something better to do since we’re here?”
Lynx: “Okay I came here because I thought you wanted to talk. I’m not going to kiss you. I’m not going to fuck you. I won’t even cuddle with you!” 

 

I left. I was pretty angry that I wasted my time, not only that night, but for wasting almost 3 years on him. I was angry at myself for believing a drunk man. Jack wanted to fuck and had lured me into seeing him by saying “I love you” of all things! That is so low to do. I now know better than to go running out at 3 AM whenever someone claims to be “in love” with me.

The Brawler

August 2008

One of the many nights I was visiting K-Ho, we went to the unofficial Brawler House. When I was at NIU for undergrad, I’d only been to/through the Brawler House twice and I can’t say that I had good experiences there. The first time I was a freshman, partying with some girls on my floor. One of their boyfriends wound up causing a scene and almost got his ass beat by the Brawlers. Naturally I tried to stay away for the rest of my duration as a freshman. I went again my sophomore year when Leela and I were hanging out with a new girl. Her older brother had been a Brawler and she knew all the guys. The girl didn’t last more than 3 weeks with us. Leela and I also decided the Brawler House wasn’t a place we’d fit in.

The Brawlers lost their house at some point after I left. In my experience with fraternities losing charters and houses, the guys just go find another residence to unofficially call “home.” The Brawlers did exactly this. They found a place on the other side of campus. K-Ho had some Brawler friends so we went over to party. I won’t go into detail about the young douchebags I came across or the young guys trying to holler at us. We did some shots and wound up dancing on a table. Now I haven’t danced on a table in a while, but I still had the magic!

There was some freshman girl also dancing with us, who was so excited she said “I can’t believe I’m dancing with seniors!!”

Which is when the magic left me. Now for K-Ho this was true. For me, it wasn’t true. I was a recent college graduate and I had been on the 5 year plan. In frat years, I was a cougar. This freshman girl was at least 4 or 5 years younger than me. I was only adding to her corruption. For a moment I wondered what the hell I was doing at a “frat house,” taking shots from 18 year old boys, and dancing on tables with 18 year old girls. Did I really plan on running some game here?

And then it hit me. I knew where I could get someone for some sexing. I started texting Jack. He was a Brawler alumnus from a different university and he was at NIU getting a post-graduate degree. It was out of the blue that I texted him, and our acquaintance wasn’t always the smoothest it could have been. We had a rather complicated history. It may have had promise in the beginning, but even good things go bad.

Jack didn’t seem amused by the fact that I was at the Brawler House. When we first met 3 years ago, he had just graduated. He barely talked about his frat days in the house, let alone acknowledged it. Back to the night me and K-Ho were together, that night Jack and his roommates were hosting a party for their graduate peers.

Jack: “When you get bored playing with little boys, give me a call.”

I did call him. And I’ll admit that I used him and abused him. I didn’t even say goodbye the next morning. Jack was not a light sleeper, so he didn’t hear me leave. There were no second thoughts as I slipped out the front door and left without a trace.

Jack didn’t realize this was a goodbye of sorts and continued to contact me. I think he’s gotten the hint by now.

Angry + Horny Lynx

Circa 2006

I came across this account of me talking to Jack about something I did to make a friend angry. I’ll be honest when I say I don’t remember whose apartment I was at. What I do know is that I was with the Kutcher boys, and I was in a particularly bitter mood. Probably had something to do with girls. I don’t even remember who I went to go see.

Lynx talking to Jack

Haha I was at my friend’s apartment once and I was on my way out to meet up with someone. My friend Remington realized that I was leaving their awesome company and he started throwing a hissy fit. Remington asks, “Where are you going? Why are you leaving? Why aren’t you staying? I want you to stay and drink with us!”

I was like, “Oh I’m going to see this guy. And then I’m going to fuck him. You know why? Because that’s how Kutcher House rolls. You put hoes before everyone else, so now I’m putting dick before you! That’s how I roll!!” and then I walked out the door.

No one ever tried to stop me again. As Scruffelhauser once put it, “You don’t want to get in Lynx’s way when she wants to get laid.”

Cockblocking in Champaign

January 2007

Players: Me, Butch, his buddy Jeremy, G-Spot, Sloppy Shot, Honey, and Scruffelhauser.

I was in Champaign visiting G-Spot and Sloppy Shot. Our friends were there for party support. Butch may deny this today, but he really fancied my friend Honey and was not going to make this trip unless I somehow was able to get her on board. I accomplished this great feat. His buddy Jeremy was a little lonely and needed to meet new pussy, and since Butch would have been the oldest guy there Butch needed old wrinkly balls support from Jeremy.

For the record, may I say that I love Champaign. Frat boys flow like rivers of wine there. Not to mention it’s the only campus I’ve ever been to where the guys run with their shirts off!

A lot was going on this night. Butch was trying to get on Honey’s good side. And when Butch wasn’t trying to get on Honey’s good side, he and Jeremy were busy getting Sloppy Shot drunk as fuck. They’re nice kinda country or small town boys. They introduced Sloppy Shot to lunchboxes- a concoction of beer, orange juice, and Amaretto. Sounds disgusting, I know, but it’s actually pretty good. Sloppy Shot has never been the same since.

We started out at a bar called Murphy’s. I honestly don’t remember being there that night. Then we moved to a place called Joe’s. They had a slut box with poles with bitches who couldn’t dance. I try to restrain myself when it comes to a situation like this. You’ve seen them. You know what I’m talking about. Girls who don’t know what a beat is, yet they think they can dance anyway. Hey what you do in front of your bathroom mirror is your own business. When it comes to slut boxes and poles, leave it to me and my girls. I didn’t want to have to make you all look bad. Honey helped me though!

While me and Honey were shaking our sweet asses, I was not aware of this going on until we got back to the apartment, but G-Spot was trying to help a sister out and throw some guys at me.

He went up to a random guy and he said, “Go dance with my friend (me).”

Apparently the guy looked at me and was like “No, no, dude no.”

G-Spot even lied and was like “Dude, man she’s been talking about you all night, go dance with her!”

The guy was not expecting this juicy piece of news. “Really? Dude she’s hot, she really is, but I can’t dance!”

So much for matchmaking. What’s the lesson here? There is no match for my ass shaking skills!

After a couple hours of slut box dancing, Butch trying to hit on Honey, and me trying to keep random guys from dancing with me, there came a point where I happen to be next to Sloppy Shot and he was so drunk that he couldn’t even stand. I said something to the effect of “You’re cut off,” which really angered him. He decided to curse at me and tell me he wasn’t that drunk, which is when he fell over. Yes, that’s right, Sloppy Shot was so fucking drunk he fell over standing. No one pushed him. He was standing normal one second, and the next second he was on the floor. Sloppy Shot is one of the nicest guys I know. So for him to tell me to fuck off, was shocking to say the least! Well at that point, Scruffelhauser, G-Spot and I thought perhaps it was best to take Sloppy Shot home. Problem was when we got outside, Sloppy Shot screamed some more “Fuck You’s” and then took off angrily running to God knows where.

There was a guy I knew who also happened to be visiting Champaign this night. His name is Jack, and we have hooked up before. My friends were not big fans of him. We had been exchanging drunken texts the entire night. He was at a bar called the Station, which was literally right across the street. We left the bar at separate times and he was trying to get me to come by his brother’s fraternity house. G-Spot and Scruffelhauser quickly nipped that in the bud. They disliked this guy enough to deprive me of sex.

Neither Jack or I knew our way around Champaign. G-Spot wouldn’t give me directions. It was useless to ask Sloppy Shot who had made it back to the apartment, because he was incapacitated. In fact puking all over his sheets so Honey had to sleep in G-Spot’s room. G-Spot and Scruffelhauser were not about to let me leave the apartment, and even if Jack were to get directions from his brother to where we were at, G-Spot and Scruffelhauser would not let him in. So what was a drunk and horny girl to do?

She finally gave up and went to bed. UNSATISFIED. Because her friends would not take pity upon her vagina.