When Booty Doesn’t Call

I was hanging out with a new friend. We were back at his place with drunk munchies. Let me take a second to tell you how I was ripped off by McDonald’s. I ordered a cheeseburger Happy Meal (Buttersauce has me drunkenly hooked on these things ever since one night on the way home from Alumni) expecting a kick-ass toy. And what did I get? A FUCKING KIDZ BOP CD. What the fuck?? who the hell wants that? As we were watching tv, a commercial for Burger King came on and they had G.I. Joe toys promoting the new movie. I was so pissed! But anyway, we were hanging out and he seemed perturbed by the fact that I talk to my friends via text so late in the night. I’m being nice. Truth was, he was thinking that his odds for hooking up were dwindling.

Gentleman: Who is blowing up your phone at 1 am?

Lynx: Oh it’s Bad-Ass from St. Louis. Don’t worry, I haven’t been here long enough to get booty calls.

Kellach and Oklahoma Joe

April 2005

I was hooking up with this guy named Kellach. He was pledging the Kutcher House and I broke my “No hooking up with guys in the frat you hang out with” rule for him. It was only because I had known him before he began pledging.

The previous semester, on the first day of class for Greek Mythology, I saw this really cute guy (Kellach) come in. He was a couple seats over and the next day, I had the balls to actually come in, sit down right next to him (first time I have ever done this), and strike up a conversation. I thought things were going well and the next time we had class, he didn’t sit next to me. I was a little disappointed and thought okay, I guess he’s just not into Asians. It also affected me so much that I never sat next to a cute guy again. When I come into a room, I try to sit the farthest away from any attractive guy. I wouldn’t find out until the next semester that he was too intimidated to sit next to me again.   

One weekend Kellach and his roommate/fellow pledge Pavel, had a buddy Oklahoma Joe come out to visit. I was with other some of their pledge mates when we ran into each other at a party. Having met Oklahoma Joe before, we talked a bit to catch up with each other. After a few hours we were hungry and decided to get drunk food. I asked the other Kutcher guys if they wanted to go with us, and everyone said no. Oklahoma Joe and I walked back to the Kutcher House to get his car and then drove over to the Barn (present day Riley’s).

We just got done ordering when Kellach walked in with Loki. When he saw that Oklahoma Joe and I were sitting together, he didn’t look too happy. Kellach sat down at a table right next to us, making it even more awkward for me and Oklahoma Joe. He barely said a word. Loki, who was trying to make small talk with us, was totally ignorant that Kellach was pissed off.

Lynx: “Are you fucking kidding me? He followed us here?”

Oklahoma Joe: “He’s so mad right now! “

Lynx: “I asked him to get food with us! He didn’t want to, why would he be mad?”

Oklahoma Joe: “Kellach probably thinks I’m trying to bang his girl.”

Lynx: “I can’t believe this, it’s bullshit. We’re not even going out! I am not his girl!”

Kellach got jealous easily. There were a lot of things I did that would set him off. I didn’t always do it on purpose, but sometimes this was a game I liked to play. In my game, I still let a guy know in my own way that I would never touch someone else. Maybe Kellach realized that. Maybe he didn’t. It was something that repeated itself numerous times.    

He didn’t want to claim me, but everyone else in the house knew that more or less I was his, even if he didn’t say it. During this time of my youth, if I didn’t use you for sex, then I was in some sort of twisted unofficially-together-sexing situation. We were very much the latter. He was the one to say “I don’t want a relationship” (when I didn’t even have that on my mind) and yet he couldn’t let me go.

That night, Kellach was jealous and upset enough to follow me to the Barn and check up on me. I don’t know if it was to make sure that Oklahoma wasn’t putting the moves on me or vice versa. Loki left on his own and then it was just Kellach, Oklahoma Joe, me, and more awkward silence.    

Kellach wound up driving Oklahoma Joe’s car and dropped me off at my townhouse. The elephant in the car wasn’t brought up. I don’t know if Oklahoma Joe ever tried to say something to him after I walked into my place. This incident was never something we talked about.

I didn’t do anything wrong and yet we didn’t fuck again for the rest of the semester.

The Roster Question

May 2007

I was watching movies at Leo’s one night. I happened to set my beer down on his dresser and saw something I really didn’t like. On top of his dresser was a condom. Like every other guy, Leo kept his condoms in a drawer. So why was a condom lying around, when it had never happened before? My conclusion was that he was with another girl. I got pretty upset but didn’t ask him about the condoms until after we were done having sex.

Lynx: “So there’s a condom on your dresser.”
Leo: “There is? -confused pause- Is it open?”
Lynx: -lying- “Yes it is.”
Leo: “Really? No it’s not.”
Lynx: “You didn’t even know there was a condom there! How can you say it’s not open?”
Leo: “It wasn’t open, that condom has been there since I moved in and it’s been shifting shelves when I clean my room.”

Apparently this sounded like a satisfactory answer for Leo. I don’t think there was anything he could have said to me that would have made a random condom lying around okay. I even sent a text to Honey to get another female’s opinion. Her response was, “Well that sucks, but at least he’s being safe!”

A few nights later I was talking to G-Spot about it, hoping that he could help me with my approach to asking Leo about the condom. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m a very confrontational person when I’m angry. G-Spot is my translator for all things nice and girly.

Lynx: “Should I say ‘If you have a little roster going on, I never minded before but I don’t feel like wasting my time anymore?’”
G-Spot: “That’s a little confrontational. You could say something like ‘Because when I see a condom laying around it sends me a certain kind of message I don’t like.’ “
Lynx: “Yeah, no. I went ahead and said, ‘If I find myself with an STD, you are a dead man and don’t think I won’t go after the girl.’”
G-Spot: “Why did you do that?”
Lynx: “Cuz I want to be a bitch.”
G-Spot: “Oh Lynx. Your bitchiness is like the dark side of the force. We need to Jedi train your ass to be sweet and cuddly.”

Conversation with Leo

Lynx: “So there is a roster then?”
Leo: “What’s a roster?”
Lynx: “Don’t play stupid with me! You’re a guy! You know what a roster is!”
Leo: “Oooh you mean a rotation? Shut up and drink more beer.”
Lynx: “Might I repeat we’re all grown-ups here.”
Leo: “More or less.”
Lynx: “Hey just because I’m not as memorable as some girl puking in your car, doesn’t make me a child!”

When Leo graduated from NIU we continued to hang out for 2 months and when he moved back home, we lost touch. When we saw each other for the first time in 7 months, sex wasn’t on our brains. He even told me about all the girls he dated since he last saw me. One of whom got so drunk, she puked in his car. I don’t know why I remembered this particular girl, but I did throw it back at him. We played a drinking game to 40 Year Old Virgin and wound up sexing. It was so amazing (remember I’m a loud fuck), his mother couldn’t look him in the eyes for the next 3 days.

What about the condom on the dresser? I won’t tell you what he said to get himself out of the doghouse.

Tiffany (Jealousy Gets the Best of Me Again)

I was out with Langdon and some of his buddies at a hotel bar in Bloomingdale. His friend Kilometre really digs some chicks that work there. One minute I’m talking to Tad (one of Langdon’s roommates) and then I look over to Langdon who at that moment is being handed a piece of folded up napkin from some random girl.

Langdon opens this napkin up and it says “Tiffany — — —-” Then he put the napkin in his pocket and I had a “What the fuck” moment in my head. I’m pretty drunk at this point, drunk off warm Miller Lite drafts and the bartender’s drink, “Kalene’s Special.” I surprised even myself by how jealous I was to see this, but once the Green-eyed beast was out there was nothing I could do until it went back in its cage.

Lynx: “What are you doing?”
Langdon: “What?”
Lynx: “I saw that!”
Langdon: “I don’t know what her deal is, I haven’t even talked to her.”
Lynx: “Uhh why did you stick it in your pocket? Why didn’t you throw it away?”
Langdon: “Was I supposed to be rude and do that in front of her?”

He took the napkin back out and tossed it to me. I then threw it back at him and said, “Whatever. I can sleep on the couch.” And then turned away to do some angry texting. Langdon tried to stop me so that I could give him my full attention to talk about what happened, I angrily pulled away from him and stalked off to do my texting in the bathroom.

When I got back to the bar area, Langdon had already told the guys (Slim, Kilometre, and Tad) what was going on. Tad took it upon himself to smooth the situation over by placing himself next to this Tiffany girl, and I imagine told her all about how Langdon and I were together. Langdon was trying to talk to me, to see if I was mad at him for something he didn’t do, “Why do you always have to send your friends derogatory texts about me? They all hate me because of you and your texts!”

I wasn’t so much mad at him, I was really mad at the situation and I was taking it out on him. Not fair, I know! But I was drunk and upset! Langdon took the napkin back out again and flicked it across the room so I could see that he wanted nothing to do with this girl. Then he said, “Are you going to make me wait 9 years just to have another chance with you?”

Tiffany saw him chuck away her number-on-a-napkin and came over and said to him- without even looking at me, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to give you trouble.” And I was like, oh great, I’m the asshole now! Langdon and I left shortly after that.

Back at the townhouse, Tad had called me trying to get us to come back out and give them a ride. I didn’t want to deal with it so I put Langdon on the phone and proceeded to lie down on the kitchen floor because I couldn’t stand anymore, I was so drunk. Langdon got off the phone with Tad and laid down next to me, gave me some kisses and then tried to get me to move.

Langdon: “Come on, let’s get off the floor.”
Lynx: “Fine. But I’m not fucking you tonight. And I’m not sucking your dick!”
Langdon: “You never suck my dick anyway!”
Lynx: “Not this year!!”
Langdon: “Psh, you still didn’t suck my dick!”
Lynx: “I sucked your dick last year!”

We managed to work everything out when we went to bed.

Dawn Doe

I can count on one hand how many guys I’ve been in some way, shape or form, crazy over. I don’t even have to use all my fingers. Here is an instance where I lost my cool.

I have talked about this guy before, but I will not reveal his name. I will call him Guy #3. Well Guy #3 was easy to talk to and he made me laugh, which I suppose reading that description it could describe just about anyone. These are general characteristics that I like in all my men. Sorry to be sappy for a moment, but he was like a kindred spirit in many ways. We got along well, I think is the easiest way to describe it. He read books and was into politics. That’s so hard to come by!

I don’t come off as the jealous type, which is not to say that I never feel the emotion, I am just better than other people at hiding it in plain sight. I’ll be the first to admit that should the Green-Eyed Monster take hold of me, it gets pretty bad. As I said before, I do a really good job of hiding it on the surface/in public, but you get me alone and it comes out with the strength of ten hurricanes. Now in this day and age of Facebook and Myspace, let’s be honest, it makes it easy to notice things- more specifically, notice written exchanges that females may be making with “my guy.” It just makes the Green-Eyed Monster flare up and rage.

On such an occasion I saw this one girl, Dawn, being all cute and leaving Guy #3 tons of messages. How that got my ire going! This girl seemed to be the epitome of everything I was not: blond, blue eyed, thin as a rail, really preppy, and maybe she had a fake tan or two. This girl was a threat to me. I wanted to know my enemy, I wanted to see what I was up against, so I could determine whether I could muster up the courage to actually fight for a guy. In short, I wasn’t going to let this bitch have Guy #3.

The Green-Eyed Monster came out to play. Dawn went to the same school as G-Spot. In my quest to know more about this girl, I tried to look at her Facebook profile. I’ll admit it. I fucking creeped on Facebook over this guy. Not being in any of Dawn’s networks, of course I wasn’t able to see her profile. Instead of being defeated, I decided to forge on. So I sent G-Spot an instant message. Our conversation went roughly like this (there’s going to be slight embellishment as I can’t remember verbatim everything that was said):

Lynx: Don’t ask questions. I’m having a girl moment right now. I need you to look at someone’s profile from U of I.
G-Spot: Okay, who is it?
Lynx: Dawn Doe.
G-Spot: Dawn Doe? Are you serious? I know this girl, I’m friends with her.
Lynx: What the fuck? You know her? YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH HER?? (at this point it felt as if the whole world were conspiring against me)
G-Spot: Yeah… why are you freaking out?
Lynx: It has to do with a guy. HOW DO YOU KNOW HER?? How could you do this to me! That fucking slut! That bitch isn’t going to have him!
G-Spot: It was over mom’s weekend. Me and the guys were at a bar with some MILFs and I hit on Dawn’s mom.
Lynx: -laughing out loud- What a fucking small world. Just my luck that you would be fucking friends with this girl who may be interested in a guy I like. And you made a move on the mom!

Well the only good thing that came out of this was that I found out Dawn Doe wasn’t going to battle it out with me for this guy. And until now, G-Spot and I were pretty much the only souls who knew the depths of my jealous curiosities and rage.