Love and Motion

Junior: Hahaha so dont make fun of me because I may or may not of downloaded this song.

Lynx: Does it suck? Please tell me it doesn’t suck. Oh Lord…

Junior: Meh…..

Lynx: It’s no Tiesto mix (In the Dark). God I still wanna bone him!

Junior: Hahaha

“You’re Too Old”

March 2008

Vasili, Junior and I were senior officers/on the executive board of a club during our senior year of college. We hosted a gathering at Vasili’s for St. Patty’s Day and all our little freshmen showed up, ready to party. 

Lynx: “Alright let’s bust out the beer bong and get this started!”
Freshman: “You’re still doing beer bongs? You’re too old to be doing beer bongs. Shouldn’t you have found a better way to get drunk by now?”
Lynx: “Uh excuse me? What the fuck did you just say?”
Freshman: “You’re too old for beer bongs!”
Lynx: “Do you know who the fuck I am? I AM THE LYNX! I WAS HOUSE MOM OF TWO FRATERNITIES, AND I WAS NOMINATED FOR HOUSE SWEETHEART. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?? I CAN FUCKING OUTDRINK YOU ANY DAY LITTLE PUNK!”
Freshman: “You’re on. I’ll outdrink you, just watch.”

The challenge was accepted around 8 PM. Vasili and Junior both made private comments to me about how perhaps intimidating the Freshman into drinking wasn’t the best idea, and that I should let go of my drinking past. The Freshman thought he was a big boy, I wanted to prove to him that he knew nothing about drinking. I wasn’t about to have my reputation called into question by some little 18 year old bitch who was too afraid to stick his dick inside a girl. 

Victory was mine of course. The Freshman was passed out by 10:30 PM. Vasili and Junior put him down in Vasili’s bed. I went to check up on the kid about 20 minutes later and he woke up to tell me that I was so hot and he had been wanting to get with me since the beginning of the school year. I told him to shut up, it was not going to happen and he was stupid for thinking he could outdrink a frat girl. I was pretty sure he was putting on a front to hide the fact that he was gay. 

Then I walked out of the room and locked lips with our freshman girl. I was her first lipstick slut kiss!

5.5 Limp Dicks (Get It On)

Yesterday was Trap Bitch’s birthday. All the Hoosiers were over at JLo and E’s place grilling and playing Sink the Biz.  Unfortunately for me, E bought a case of Busch Light and I was drinking it. Surprisingly by number 3, it didn’t taste like shit anymore and I was disturbed by this fact. I wasn’t too social because of the Cubs vs. Cardinals game and the Sox vs. Rays game.  I don’t think they’ve ever seen a girl so dedicated to baseball for a day. The guys were filtering in and out, occasionally stopping to see what I was up to. The new Hoosier thing to say was, “Get it on!” They yelled that at each other, they yelled it at me, then they yelled at strangers walking by.

 

Hoosier 1: “GET IT ON!”
Hoosier 2: “Why aren’t you GETTING IT ON?!”
Hoosier 3: “Gotta get it on! No choice! GET IT ON!”

 

One of the times inside the apartment it was just myself, JLo and E. The conversation of fingering girls came up. E made a motion with his pointer finger and middle finger. I asked him, “You use those fingers to stick it in a vag?” He said yes and explained why a middle finger and ring finger sequence wasn’t very successful. For whatever reason I had always thought guys used the second sequence. They both thought I was dumb for thinking this, “How do you not know what a guy uses on you?” My only response was “Hey, I don’t question the pleasure I get!”

I texted Boomp, Mr. Wiggles, and Junior, “Survey, don’t ask. What fingers do you use to stick a vag?” for their opinions on the matter. Perhaps this wasn’t as universal as E and JLo were claiming. They all texted back the pointer finger and the middle finger. Or in Boomp’s case, “Maybe the ring finger gets involved if I’m feeling frisky.” The consensus also was that if three fingers could get in on the first attempt, the vag was way too loose. And it prolly had been tore up by a Black guy. That was not something they wanted to compete with. Or the girl was a complete slut.

Another time, E, JLo and Kreepster were in the room. I made a comment about how the average size was 5.5 inches for limp dicks. They looked at me like I was crazy.

 
Kreepster: “You are out of your league, you don’t know what you’re talking about!”
JLo: “That’s impossible, who are you fucking?”
E: “I don’t think those guys are limp when you get to them, Lynx. There’s no way.”
Lynx: “A dick can’t grow to be 10 inches if it’s only 5. Why do you keep saying that? It doesn’t have to be 10 inches!”
JLo: “If a dick is 5.5 inches, how big do you think it’s going to get?”
Lynx: “6 inches. Maybe 7.5 max.”
E: “You’re so wrong Lynx!”
Kreepster: ”I’ve seen limp dicks in the shower. No one ever had a 5.5 limp dick.”
JLo:  “A 5.5 inch limp dick does not get to be 7 inches. No guy is 5.5 inches when he’s limp. That’s too big for a limp dick! He would be over 10 inches! I eat pussy and still don’t know how it works, but I’ve been jerking off since 7 and I know this guy!”

 

I called up Bad-Ass and put him on speakerphone.

Lynx: “They’re telling me that there’s no such thing as a 5.5 inch limp dick. What are your thoughts?”
Bad-Ass: “That’s fucking ridiculous. You would have a 10 inch monster inside you!”
JLo: “See! Bad-Ass knows!”

 

Throughout this the rest of the Hoosiers shared their thoughts, which followed the lines of JLo, Kreepster, and E. Pimpin walked into the room and he asked to be caught up on the conversation. He wanted to know why we were talking about dicks. Once brought up to speed, he said, “You’re lucky if I’m 4 inches coming out of a warm shower.”

At the end of the night, E was leaning against me, ready to crash from all his drinking. He started talking about a girl he was seeing. When asked if any he’d gotten any P in the VaG, he said nonchalantly but with certainty,

E: ”She was on the rag before but I’m gonna fuck her next week.”
Lynx: “Get. It. On!”

Obama’s Address to Congress

For those of you who don’t know, I was a political science major in college. What’s political science? It’s the study of government, political processes, institutions and behavior. Or in other words, we learn how to take advantage of people and control them. That’s a semi-joke. This party girl isn’t all about booze and sex. She gets hard for politics too! Titties for Obama!

I tuned in 20 minutes into the speech. I was going to turn my back on that political science degree of mine and not watch the address at all. However Junior was texting me during the speech and I just couldn’t help myself. Junior was playing a drinking game, a drink for every standing ovation. The last text I received from him was at 6 drinks and 2 shots. I don’t know how the shots factored into this or where they came from. I started watching when I found out the Supreme Court Justices were present in the chambers.

Junior: “Clarance Thomas can suck it.”
Lynx: “He’s there?”
Junior: “All of them are! They’re in the first row.”

Bad-Ass was IMing me while this was happening.

8:44 pm
Lynx: I can’t believe he’s still going
Bad-Ass: Said that before, have you?

8:47 pm
Bad-Ass: THANK YOU! You educate the people, you change the world! GO OBAMA!

8:48 pm
Bad-Ass: COLLEGE FUCK YEAH. I feel like I’m at a football game, I keep clapping and cheering haha
Lynx: lol MORE FRAT BOYS FUCK YEAH
Bad-Ass: lmao!

8:51 pm
Lynx: This really is like a pep rally

8:52 pm
Bad-Ass: Whoa there GOPs, do I hear BOOs?

9:02 pm
Lynx: Did they start on time? It’s past 9, its past their bedtime!
Bad-Ass: 8 minutes late. lol McCain’s about to pass out, yeah. Someone think of the oldies!

9:07 pm
Bad-Ass: 65 times for applause. Ka wow.

Dating Question For The Lynx

 

I met a guy my sophomore year at NIU. He was nothing more than an acquaintance. He had no potential to be anything to me. I kind of always thought he was annoying and a scumbag. We lost touch. He occasionally will say hello to me out of the blue on Facebook, when he’s bored at home during the holidays. Those conversations never last long. You know how these things work.

One day, he decided to annoy me with a conversation on Facebook chat.

 

Douchebag: “You’ve got nice boobs. Do you hear me? Where’d you go?”

Lynx: “I know I’ve got nice boobs.”

Douchebag: “I wish we had dated. Why didn’t we ever date?”

Lynx: “Because we didn’t. Duh.”

Douchebag: “I know, but why didn’t we?”

Lynx: “I wasn’t aware that we should have dated. I’ve never really had time for guys. “

Douchebag: “But I’ve been talking to you for a long time…”

Lynx: “And that’s supposed to mean something?”

Douchebag: “I’ve got to go…”

I was talking to Junior on G-Chat when this douchebag tried to get my attention. So this is what I said to Junior, “I’m deleting this guy [from Facebook] by the end of the week. Superficial prick. He’s only saying this shit because my Facebook pic is me in a bikini.”

I’ve had a lot of guys ask me the “Why didn’t we date” question. It was never anyone that I would have dated or had a romantic interest in. Doesn’t that say something? Do they really need to torture themselves? Because I do think it’s torture. They’re hoping that I’m going to get all sentimental. They’re hoping that I somehow don’t come up with a satisfactory answer and say, “Gee whiz, I don’t know. But why don’t we date now?”

NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! It does not get any simpler than, “Because we didn’t.” I want to call bullshit on him. He didn’t want to date me. He saw that picture of me in a bikini and thought to himself, “Why didn’t I get the chance to bang her?”

Garibaldi’s Guy

I was driving around, quite possibly shopping with Junior one afternoon before he moved back to Texas. I swear this kid is like schizophrenic, he keeps moving back and forth between Texas and Illinois. How can you not make up your mind after the second time?

Anyway so I was driving. I completely forget what we were talking about, but I do remember I started snickering. You know, almost one of those “Muah hahaha” laughs. Junior hadn’t said anything funny, so he asked me about it.

Junior: “Why are you smiling?”
Lynx: “I just had a random thought.”
Junior: “And?”
Lynx: “If this thing between me and Langdon doesn’t work out, can we go back to the Garibaldi’s by your house so that I can hit on the guy that looks like Leo?”
Junior: “Wow, are you kidding me? You remember that? We were there like a year ago!”

The previous year while we were running errands by his mother’s house, we stopped at a Garibaldi’s for lunch. Garibaldi’s is this Italian restaurant, they’ve got decent pizza. I would definitely go back again! I remember walking in and noticing the guy taking our orders, he looked a lot like Leo. However, this kid was younger, he was scrawnier in that punk/emo way, he had gages in his ears, but he was a spitting image of Leo right down to his long eyelashes.

Well I was turned on. Maybe the Emo-Leo kid picked up on it, because he started looking at me differently. I wanted to drag him across the counter and do lots of naughty things to him.

I wonder if he still works there. Better yet, is he at least 18?

Spit or Swallow

June 2008

I was at Red Ivy in Wrigleyville during the second crosstown game between the White Sox and the Cubs. At least I think it was the crosstown game. I just remember gazing across the street at the guys inside Barleycorn and being amazed that there were so many hot male White Sox fans. I also wondered why the hell I was stuck at Red Ivy with none of them in tow.

I don’t remember how the subject of spitting or swallowing came up at the dinner table. Eugene, this guy I was hanging out with made some offhand comment about how it didn’t matter to him whether a girl spit or swallowed when giving a blowjob. I got a little angry because he was being a pussy and was trying to tell me what he thought a girl wanted to hear. I’m not dumb, I know what guys prefer. Hell, I even prefer it myself. So I corrected him and said, “That’s ridiculous. Of course it matters! If I were a guy, that bitch sucking my cock is going to fucking swallow!”

I whipped out my phone and texted 3 or 4 of my good friends: G-Spot, Sloppy Shot, Junior, and Vasili. I asked them what their preference was and if it made a difference. One by one, they all answered like I knew they would (because they’re REAL men), and that answer was SWALLOW. But it wasn’t enough for Eugene. He not only did not believe me, a girl who was one of the guys, he also did not believe my friends WHO WERE GUYS. He went through his phone, trying to find friends he could ask about spitting and swallowing, “I have to be careful who I text because most of my friends are married and this could go bad with the wife.”

LAME. But what did his friends answer? Swallowing of course.

G-Spot texted me back saying “FRIENDSHIP OVER!” I called him and we got to conversing in the middle of my dinner date. Here’s the gist of our conversation:

G-Spot: “Why would you ask such a stupid question? You should know this answer!”
Lynx: “I know the fucking answer but this guy I’m having dinner with actually questioned me on swallowing.”
G-Spot: “I don’t think he can handle you!”
Lynx: “I know he can’t handle me!”
Eugene: “Are you talking about me on the phone, with me next to you??”
Lynx: -ignoring Eugene- “He’s got no chance at all!”

Eugene would later go on to tell me that he liked me. Unfortunately for him, when he said he preferred spitting, whatever minuscule hope there was of us dating was gone. This is a mistake many guys make. They’re fooled by the illusion of my breasts. Perhaps even the feminine scent of my perfume. Just because I have mammary glands and a uterus does not automatically mean I am in the Spitting Camp.