IHTSBIH Premiere

I’m so ecstatic right now. I just bought tickets for me and K-Ho to go to the I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell movie showing in September. Bad-Ass also got tickets, but he’s going to Iowa City and will be seeing the movie 3 days after me. Suck it bitch!

Dirty Whore

March 2009

K-Ho was home for spring break and we went to Hoppe’s for some drinks. Well we had so much fun that when Justin Bobby was shutting down afterhours, K-Ho and I were so drunk that we had no way of getting home. Well one of Justin Bobby’s friends, Alex, offered to let us crash at his place. Alex was a guy I hooked up with last summer, it was one of those things that went nowhere and we were better off for it. I thought it was cool of him to let us stay over. I was drunk out of my mind, there was no way K-Ho and I would have made it anywhere if Alex hadn’t driven us.

We all watched tv for a bit, K-Ho was having some problems so we put her to sleep in Alex’s bed. I crawled in with her when Alex told me to come back out and chill some more. I said that I would be asleep because I was so tired and I thought that was the end of it. I was almost sleeping when I heard my phone ring. It was still outside in the tv room, so I got up to answer it. That’s when Alex pounced on me and the next thing I know, clothes are coming off both parties.

We started getting into the rhythm of things when it got fucking weird for me. As you know, I’m not a big fan of talking during sex. This guy starts saying shit like, “You dirty whore. You’re my dirty whore, aren’t you? You’re such a naughty little girl, you like it don’t you? You like the way I’m fucking you.” And then he would smack my face. HE SMACKED MY FACE WHILE HE CALLED ME A DIRTY WHORE! Now I love spanking. The sting of someone’s hand on my ass as he’s pounding me from behind, that’s hot. But to have someone love tap me on the face?? Fuck, I think I’d rather get a load blown all over it instead. I’ll be honest when I say that I’m used to hearing things like “You’re so hot” and “God, you’re so good at this” while fucking. I was completely willing to overlook the “dirty whore” and “naughty girl” comments, but when he touched my face I got fucking pissed.

Alex stopped briefly, he was overworking himself and needed to grab some water. I saw this as an opportunity to go back to sleep. He watched me in disbelief from the kitchen as I put my clothes back on, and went back into his room to sleep with K-Ho. For future reference, don’t ever fucking touch my face during sex. If there’s a next time, I will rip the guy’s balls off.

La Fin Du Monde

K-Ho and I were at Vasili’s bar last night and I was about to get my usual when he gave me crap about it, “We have over 75 beers and you want Miller Lite?” So I caved in and got La Fin Du Monde. I had always thought it was a Belgian beer, but it turns out it was Canadian. This beer was also 9% alcohol so I was pretty much drunk after finishing it. 

Cutting to the chase, I’m not making a plug for La Fin Du Monde. I actually puked 2 times this morning from it. I am never touching this stuff again! 

 

What Assholes Are Good For

We were pre-gaming at Kooter Kake’s apartment before heading to a Cubs game. There were a lot of us there but as much as I would love to turn this into an HHC story I won’t. K-Ho and I started drinking at 8:30 AM and by the time everyone was there, I was already slurring my words and rambling. Honey said something to which I responded,

Lynx: “Assholes are fine to fuck but not to have a conversation with!”

Of All The Places To Hide Beer

The night before going to a Cubs game, we were discussing how to get beer into Wrigley. JLo wound up giving us mini bottles of vodka and rum.

JLo: “Shove it in your vagina?”
Lynx: “I don’t want to drink alcohol that tastes like me.”
K-Ho: “What if it tastes like me?”
Lynx: -thinking- “Yeah, I could do that!”

Midgets and Lesbians

Last Thursday, I decided on a whim to get my drunk on and head to Dekalb. Apparently everyone was at Starbusters for midget wrestling. Unfortunately for me, I missed the midget wrestling but that’s okay. Some wee guys stuck around and were mingling with us tall folk. I met up with K-Ho and was brought up to speed on the night’s happenings. She told me that some girl was buying her drinks and that she suspected this girl was a lesbian. Well I saw this girl for myself and let me tell you this, there was no doubt in my mind that I was talking to a lesbian!

She was Asian and a little butch, but rocking some stylish cut up jeans with flippy floppys. What usually happens when I run into another White Wash Asian is that we say hi and then try to keep our distance from one another. I won’t go in the reasoning behind this, for now just accept that this is the way life is for my kind. However, this girl was all excited to meet me and began buying me numerous drinks. She started asking me what brand of Asian I was. I let her guess and she was not successful. She said she was Korean and I was like “Eh.” She said she was adopted and I was like “Eh.” I told her I was Canadian and then she started saying shit like “We Asians need to stick together!” As if I weren’t already uncomfortable, I slowly inched away with a fake smile on my face after she said that. No thank you, I’m quite fine on my own!

This lesbian then tried to separate me from K-Ho and company. She wanted me to join her outside for a smoke, so that we could have “bonding time.” I was tempted for a fraction of a second since I used to be a drunk social smoker but not so much anymore. I couldn’t resist asking if she had Camel Lights. I guess I wanted to know what I was missing out on, but she was carrying Marlboro Menthols so I wasn’t missing out on anything at all.

Knowing that Bad-Ass would get a kick out of the situation, I texted him.

Lynx: This lesbian is buying us shots
Bad-Ass: YEAH!!!!!!!
Lynx: Seriously she keeps trying to buy me drinks what do I do?
Bad-Ass: DO HER! IT’S ONLY FAIR! DO THIS ASIAN FOR ME, PLEASE!
Lynx: But she looks like a dyke
Bad-Ass: Lynx, you know how much I love you. You need to have hot kinky sex with this girl for me please!

There was no lipstick slutting for me that night, and there definitely wasn’t any hot kinky lesbian sex. I don’t have yellow fever and I certainly don’t like my females to run butch. I’m sure she was a very nice girl, but fumbling over her drunk self very much the way a nervous guy would when talking to me, didn’t help her case either.

Christine Dolce aka Forbidden (top)

Valentine’s Day: Lynx Style

February 2009

As you may know, I organized an Anti-Valentine’s Day party this year. I haven’t had a boyfriend or sweetheart in a long time, so I’ve been flowerless and romantic dinnerless for the past 5 years. I also haven’t ever gotten laid on Valentine’s Day. So as you can imagine, I’m not too excited when this day comes around. E thought we should get wasted because of how pathetic it was that we were all single on Valentine’s Day. This was not the direction I wanted to go, I didn’t want people crying this night. It was more a celebration of being single. The plan was that we would start off at Uncle Fatty’s and then go to Hang Uppe’s for after hours. I invited all the Kutcher House boys, while Bad-Ass and Papa Tom came in from St. Louis with their buddy Stud.

We decided to meet up with K-Ho at JLo and E’s apartment, however since we were behind schedule, the guys were at Uncle Fatty’s when we arrived in the city. JLo said that he left the back door open for us in case we needed to stop in for anything. Well we walked around to the back, and we’re standing in the alley when we discover that there’s a gated door and it’s locked. Bad-Ass jumps over the fence and lets us in. It was like he was channeling Jackie Chan. It was amazing. Thank God, he was able to do that. There was no way K-Ho or I was going to climb that fence in high heels.

Once inside the grounds, I started running up the stairs. I realized after a couple flights that I didn’t know which one was JLo and E’s back door. I went to a door I thought was perhaps theirs, but it was locked. So I started trying to open ALL the doors on that floor. They were all locked. Then it hit me that I was on the wrong side of the building. I ran down the stairs and across the yard to another set of stairs. I couldn’t remember what letter the apartment was, so I wasn’t much better than my first attempt of trying to open random doors. Bad-Ass was the one who found the magic door and we took shelter from the fucking cold.

Bad-Ass: “Yeah I’m better than the natives. I climbed a fucking wall and broke in to a random apartment!”

We started drinking a little bit as K-Ho changed out of her work clothes. When she was done, she asked if she was missing anything. I went through the checklist: lipstick, money, ID. She had everything and then Bad-Ass chimed in “What about me?” K-Ho and I answered him at the same time.

K-Ho: “Money?”
Lynx: “Magnums?”
Bad-Ass: “Check and check. Wow, we all know where your minds are at.”
Lynx: “Hey the condoms are the most important thing. Screw money!”

We piled into a cab and arrived at Uncle Fatty’s. On top of being graced with the presence of the St. Louis boys, JLo and E, Beer Muscles brought some of his friends from home, Pavel surprisingly showed up, and Alfonso came down from Madison. K-Ho and I started catching up with drinks. Stud went balls out and was downing drinks like a fish. This portion of the night, while my most sober, I can’t remember many of the details. Alfonso was mad at me over something at happened at my graduation party, 8 months earlier. We had gone to the bars and the Kutcher boys left to go to the casino. I didn’t think they were coming back, so my friends called it a night kinda early since we had a big event the next day (glorious Field Day which will be told one day). Well oops, my bad, after 2 hours they left the casino but I was already on my way back home and was not going to go back out when I had to be up early to help set up. I think I caught up with Pavel for a little bit, but I couldn’t tell you what we talked about. I know JLo, E, K-Ho and I did O-bombs. I also know that I was one of those drunken girls who fall over themselves. I did a complete wipeout.

I was standing next to E at one point and was telling me about the line he was using that night, “It’s so crowded in here but I feel so alone.” I could already tell that it wasn’t a very successful line and told him that if he wanted to remain optimistic about meeting a chick that was down to fuck, he needed to think of a new line.

After a while, the St. Louis boys disappeared. Apparently Stud had drunk way too much, way too fast and was puking outside. Beer Muscles and company wanted to leave for Hang Uppe’s and it was only 1 AM. They started disappearing and hopping in cabs. Pavel, K-ho and I decided to share one and just before I got inside the cab, out of nowhere Bad-Ass is running at me, yelling my name.

Bad-Ass: “Lynx! Where are you going??”
Lynx: “Hang Uppe’s! But you won’t fit in this cab with us.”
Bad-Ass: “You’re leaving us??”
Lynx: “You can follow me…in another cab…”
Bad-Ass: “You’re leaving us in the city? Stud needs to lie down, he’s not going to make it to Hang Uppe’s. We don’t know how to get back to JLo’s apartment! You can’t leave us!”
Lynx: “Umm…[JLo and E’s address]. Use the back door to get in. Bye!”

When we saw the line at Hang Uppe’s I said, “Fuck it, let’s go somewhere else. I don’t want to wait in line. It’s fucking cold!” Pavel suggested going to a place called Mothers, and we headed in that direction. Being completely drunk I tried to just walk in. The bouncer asked me for $5 and I told him that I didn’t want a footlong. As in a footlong from Subway. He thought I meant dick. Awkward!

K-Ho and I walked into the place and immediately this Smooth Guy came over, complimenting her. “Oh you’re so hot and I just had to say hi.” Beer Muscles or Pavel were getting us drinks and so I turned my attention to them when Smooth Guy’s friend came up to talk to me.

Smooth Guy’s Friend: “Hey, how’s it going?”
Lynx: “Good. Yourself?”
Smooth Guy’s Friend: “The same, so how do you know these guys?”
Lynx: “They’re from the same fraternity, I was their neighbor.”
Smooth Guy’s Friend: “Oh that’s cool.”
Lynx: “You know what, I know the wingman business, you don’t have to talk to me. It’s totally unnecessary.”
Smooth Guy’s Friend: “Yeah you got me, I’m trying to be the wingman. Thanks for calling me out.”

And then Smooth Guy’s Friend said something that really pissed me off. I heard him call me a “frat ride,” meaning he thought I was some house slut. This is an issue I’ve come to blows over ( I once punched Beer Muscles in the face) , so it’s not cool when someone automatically assumes I’m some dumb bitch groupie.

Lynx: “Just because I had a lot of frattys for friends doesn’t mean I was a frat ride.”
Smooth Guy’s Friend: “I didn’t call you a frat ride. I called you a frat girl.”
Lynx: “Okay you can go fuck yourself. Your friend isn’t going to get any pussy from my girl over there.”

I called Pavel over and told him the situation. I then told him to go cockblock Smooth Guy. K-Ho overheard me and was like, “Oh my God, yes please, I need a cockblock from this guy!”

I signed up to do karaoke. And then realized that I had to donate $20 to charity for picking a slow song (Faithfully by Journey). That wasn’t going to happen. They also were taking forever and I didn’t know how much longer I would be awake. E said he would leave with me, and then I got sidetracked by some people I knew making out. The guilty parties will not be named. I ran into JLo who said he was leaving. I found out that E totally left Mothers without me, so I went back with JLo.

 

The cab ride home was not good. I don’t know what crawled up his ass but JLo was being a straight up bitch. Something was wrong and he wouldn’t tell me, even after I asked him repeatedly. He just glowered at me and wouldn’t say a word. We got back to the apartment and he began slamming doors and storming around angrily. He began yelling at the St. Louis boys because Stud was lying on the bathroom floor next to the toilet. Bad-Ass had run out to get munchies, and I texted him to get me a steak quesedilla from Burriot House. E was just sitting on the couch, watching all of this. I don’t think he fully comprehended what was happening. However I was horrified. I had never seen JLo angry like this. EVER. Out of all of my groups of friends, I’m the one who was prone to being the loud angry drunk.

I made up my mind right then and there, that I would not be passing out in his room. I went into E’s room and asked to stay with him since JLo was being such an asshole. He was fine with it. I changed and came back out to check up on the St. Louis boys. JLo was in mid-rant and when he saw me standing next to E in my PJs, he just gave me the deathlook. He didn’t even finish what he was saying. He turned around and stormed off again, I heard some obscenities before he slammed the door of his room. I just didn’t understand what was going on.

Bad-Ass arrived with food in tow. He was checking up on Stud while I was sniffing his bag of munchies. I asked him if he had my steak quesedilla and the bastard didn’t because his phone had died. He didn’t get my text at all! I refrained from turning into the Hulk. I get angry when my drunk hunger isn’t sated. 

Lynx: “Oh man, I’m just craving some meat…”
Bad-Ass: “Yes Lynx, you can have a bite, go ahead.”

I said thanks and took off running with his food. I didn’t get too far though and he only let me have one bite. ONE BITE. Bastard let a girl starve. 

I let K-Ho in a couple hours later when she finally was dropped off by Pavel and Beer Muscles. Everyone else was passed out and I was so tired that I didn’t even turn on the light when we got inside. The only light available was from when I had turned the light on in E’s room when I left. I went right for his room and closed his door, which had been the only source of light for K-Ho. She walked to the bathroom in the dark and totally tripped over Stud who was sleeping on the floor. As in she totally wiped out and her head was a hair breath’s away from hitting the toilet. When she realized she tripped over Stud, she began yelling.

K-Ho: “THAT FUCKING HURT!!! What the fuck! What the fuck are you doing? Oh my God, are you okay? Is he okay?? Why the fuck are you lying on the floor??”

I passed out around 4 AM. I found out the hard way that you don’t want to pass out with E. He woke up at 8:30 and because he couldn’t fall back to sleep, he began engaging me in conversation.

E: “Lynx, are you sleeping?”
Lynx: -mumbles-
E: “I can’t sleep. Can you talk to me?”
Lynx: “No.”
E: “But I really need someone to talk to. Wake up, hey look at me!”
Lynx: “I’m listening but my eyes are staying closed.”
E: “So…are you sleeping now?”
Lynx: “E, I think you need to shut the fuck up. Seriously. Let me sleep!”