Kilometre Loses His V-Card

Langdon, Butch, and I were having a post-Thanksgiving lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings when Langdon told us the story of how Kilometre lost his virginity at the age of 23.

3-4 years ago

Kilometre was in Bentonville, Arkansas on a trip. Here’s some trivia for you, Bentonville is where the first Walmart opened. 

So Kilometre is at some hotel bar and meets a chick, they wind up exchanging numbers. For whatever reason Kilometre never tells anyone. They would talk every now and again. Then one day out of the blue, it comes out that she’s a porn star/model. She was in an amateur red headed slut video. 7-8 months later they decide to meet up again. 

Kilometre drives all the way down to Arkansas and gets a room at the same hotel where he met the chick at. They have a nice dinner at the hotel and the chick asks Kilometre to walk her out to her car. Well when they get to her car he realizes that she is getting her overnight bag so he knows he’s going to get lucky.

They go back to his room, start making out like fiends and when this porn star reaches for a condom, she pulls out magnums. Upon seeing this Kilometre has to whip out his own condoms ( a 3-pack he especially bought for this moment) because there’s no way he’s going to fill a magnum.

Kilometre: “Can you put that away so I can use my significantly smaller prophylactic?”

The next morning at breakfast, the porn star and Kilometre are eating. Kilometre is going to town on the bacon and doesn’t notice the bacon stuck on his face when the porn star says, “I don’t think we should talk anymore.” To which there isn’t much Kilometre can say other than “Okay.” He manages to get through the rest of breakfast without getting any more food on his face.

Once he hits the road, Kilometre cries for 3 hours as he’s driving home. He finally gets to fuck a woman- a porn star, and that porn star never wants him to pound her again (probably because he doesn’t measure up to other porn stars). After crying for 3 hours, Kilometre has a moment of clarity, “It was a great life experience!” He puts some Dave Matthews Band in the CD player and jams out.

On the way home from Arkansas, he stops in St. Louis where Langdon is staying at a fancy hotel. Kilometre tells Langdon the tale of losing his virginity and gives Langdon the rest of his condoms.

Langdon: “Don’t you want to keep it?”
Kilometre: “Langdon, you and I both know I’ll never use this again.”

Tiffany (Jealousy Gets the Best of Me Again)

I was out with Langdon and some of his buddies at a hotel bar in Bloomingdale. His friend Kilometre really digs some chicks that work there. One minute I’m talking to Tad (one of Langdon’s roommates) and then I look over to Langdon who at that moment is being handed a piece of folded up napkin from some random girl.

Langdon opens this napkin up and it says “Tiffany — — —-” Then he put the napkin in his pocket and I had a “What the fuck” moment in my head. I’m pretty drunk at this point, drunk off warm Miller Lite drafts and the bartender’s drink, “Kalene’s Special.” I surprised even myself by how jealous I was to see this, but once the Green-eyed beast was out there was nothing I could do until it went back in its cage.

Lynx: “What are you doing?”
Langdon: “What?”
Lynx: “I saw that!”
Langdon: “I don’t know what her deal is, I haven’t even talked to her.”
Lynx: “Uhh why did you stick it in your pocket? Why didn’t you throw it away?”
Langdon: “Was I supposed to be rude and do that in front of her?”

He took the napkin back out and tossed it to me. I then threw it back at him and said, “Whatever. I can sleep on the couch.” And then turned away to do some angry texting. Langdon tried to stop me so that I could give him my full attention to talk about what happened, I angrily pulled away from him and stalked off to do my texting in the bathroom.

When I got back to the bar area, Langdon had already told the guys (Slim, Kilometre, and Tad) what was going on. Tad took it upon himself to smooth the situation over by placing himself next to this Tiffany girl, and I imagine told her all about how Langdon and I were together. Langdon was trying to talk to me, to see if I was mad at him for something he didn’t do, “Why do you always have to send your friends derogatory texts about me? They all hate me because of you and your texts!”

I wasn’t so much mad at him, I was really mad at the situation and I was taking it out on him. Not fair, I know! But I was drunk and upset! Langdon took the napkin back out again and flicked it across the room so I could see that he wanted nothing to do with this girl. Then he said, “Are you going to make me wait 9 years just to have another chance with you?”

Tiffany saw him chuck away her number-on-a-napkin and came over and said to him- without even looking at me, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to give you trouble.” And I was like, oh great, I’m the asshole now! Langdon and I left shortly after that.

Back at the townhouse, Tad had called me trying to get us to come back out and give them a ride. I didn’t want to deal with it so I put Langdon on the phone and proceeded to lie down on the kitchen floor because I couldn’t stand anymore, I was so drunk. Langdon got off the phone with Tad and laid down next to me, gave me some kisses and then tried to get me to move.

Langdon: “Come on, let’s get off the floor.”
Lynx: “Fine. But I’m not fucking you tonight. And I’m not sucking your dick!”
Langdon: “You never suck my dick anyway!”
Lynx: “Not this year!!”
Langdon: “Psh, you still didn’t suck my dick!”
Lynx: “I sucked your dick last year!”

We managed to work everything out when we went to bed.

The Madchen Cup

K-Ho and I went to the Barleycorn in Schaumburg to meet up with Langdon and his friend from home (Mendota), Kilometre. Well there was no parking avilable in the Barleycorn lot, K-Ho suggested that we just hit up the valet. I only had $2 cash on me, while K-Ho had $7, and I decided to say no to valet. I parked at the Extended Stay Inn right across the street.

We went in for a couple rounds and I was very excited to find out that not only did Kilometre currently live in Leland, he also knew where Mattoon was! Not many people know of these small towns and I always get excited when I run into someone who does, because they usually don’t run into people who have heard of where they are from. This was the first time I had ever met Kilometre, and K-Ho and I impressed him with our Scissoring story. I can’t say that I remember much else of the conversation, but there were definitely laughs all around.

We all left to go meet up with Butch, Slim, and Tad who were drinking at Champps. Well we managed to get lost going to Champs even though it literally was around the corner. We drove all around Schaumburg trying to find it. I don’t remember how, but I was in posession of Langdon’s phone and kept talking to Tad (his roommate) while texting Butch on my phone to get directions which didn’t really help us out any.

We finally did make it to Champs though. As K-Ho, Slim, and I were chowing down to glorious food the subject of the Madchen Cup came up. I think I somehow instigated it because I do remember getting loud about it to Butch, “Remember you wanted me to go to Mendota for Corn Fest and I totally didn’t?” Once Corn Fest was brought up, inevitably the Madchen Cup followed.

In Mendota there is a Corn Fest every year. Apparently this small town is supposed to have really good corn. Then again, this is Illinois. We are a giant cornfield, so almost anyone could claim to have awesome corn. Dekalb also has an annual Corn Fest, maybe they should battle it out. Last year, Butch invited me to this Corn Fest in Mendota. Butch’s roommate at the time, Slim, is originally from there (as are Langdon and Kilometre) and they thought it would be cool to go to this Corn fest. Well corn wasn’t the only thing that was on the agenda.

When the “Madchen Cup” was uttered, Langdon got kind of weird next to me. Uncomfortable, if you will. I think some of the other guys were also uncomfortable, there was just a weirdness in the air. I chuckled to myself because I knew why. K-Ho was out of the loop so I texted her to let her in on what the Madchen Cup was once the guys started arguing over it.

Lynx: “So they’re talking about a girl known as the Madchen Cup. Langdon fucked her.”
K-Ho: “Ew and uncomfortable.”
Lynx: “You would think so. I don’t care but they don’t think [I know]/are hoping I’m clueless.”

To further fill in the story here, Langdon was interested in me. It’s a little tacky to bring up past paramours when you have a potential girlfriend with you. I understood why some guys kept talking about it. They didn’t think I knew about the Madchen Cup. Some, however, were aware. Langdon didn’t know that I knew though. Langdon and I have known each other for almost 2 years and he has been chasing me for more than half that time. I honestly didn’t care they were talking about the Madchen Cup because it was during a period that I was not involved with him. I thought it was funny. Hell, I’m writing about it right now aren’t I?

So what/who exactly is the Madchen Cup? There was a girl in Mendota, Madchen, who was very much like a bicycle and a lot of young men got to ride her. A few friends of Slim, Langdon, and Kilometre rode that bicycle. Langdon can also include himself on that list. Butch, going through a phase in his life at this point in time where he thought he had to be man-whorish, also wanted in on this “Madchen Cup” as they started calling her. The girl was a real slut is what I’m told. Everyone stood behind Butch’s decision to claim the Madchen Cup that year. He even told me that he was thinking about literally making a trophy, a real Madchen Cup, that could be passed between the guys.

Butch: “I came up with that term! I started it all!”
Tad: “No you didn’t, it was all Langdon.”
Butch: “Langdon, seriously, come on. Who was it?”
Langdon: “It was me. Not you.”

So we left Champs, trying to head to Easy Street, and once again we got lost. We got on the highway and pretty much drove in a circle and wound up halfway home. We gave up looking for it and went back to Slim, Tad, and Langdon’s place to drink some more and watch Old School.

In the morning when Langdon drove us back to my car, we soon realized that my car was gone from the Extended Stay Inn lot. The fuckers had towed my car. There hadn’t even been a sign about towing where I came in! The expensive lesson I learned here, worth $170, if you’re going to Barleycorn just let the fucking valet take care of your car and they can worry about parking.