Jonathan Goldman Turns 21!!

The other night Lynx & Crew were out in Wrigleyville celebrating Jonathan’s Goldman’s 21st birthday. We did a mini-barcrawl and it was the second place we stopped that warrants a mention in my chronicles.

Since living in the city, Jonathan Goldman has always wanted to go to Cubby Bear. It’s not my type of place, although it is a staple of Wrigleyville. So we honored his request and when we showed up, this reggae band was playing. There was maybe roughly 30 people there, half of whom I rolled in with. Honey dragged all the girls out to the dance floor, where I got creeped out by guys coming up to us and I headed back to the bar so that I would be left alone.

One minute I’m talking to Kooter Kake and the next I’m talking to a bachelor party. I don’t remember how it started and I couldn’t even tell you what was said, although I did diss the groom-to-be because he was from Michigan and some doofus was a Hoosier. They looked like idiots in these bright red t-shirts which they had specialized for the “Bachelor Party Bar Crawl.” One of the guys, forgot his name, got all up in my space. But it was okay, he was a pretty guy. And that’s when one by one my friends came up to us, saying it was time to go. G-Spot. Once wasn’t enough. Ricky Rousse. Twice wasn’t enough either. When Sloppy Shot came up, I still had half a beer left and I was in the middle of a conversation with a guy.

Sloppy Shot: Come on, we gotta go.
Lynx: I still have to finish my drink. -looks to bachelor party guy-
Sloppy Shot: Is it the only thing that’s keeping you from going to the next bar?
Lynx: …Yes… -meaning no-

And then he took my drink from my hand and finished my beer! And then he basically dragged me out of Cubby Bear! I didn’t even wait til we had turned the corner (Cubby Bear stands on the corner of Clark and Addison) before I started yelling.

Lynx: Why the fuck did you do that?!
Sloppy Shot: You were talking to douchebags!
Lynx: AND THAT’S A REASON TO COCKBLOCK ME??
Sloppy Shot: Uh…they were douchebags…that should be enough reason.
Lynx: But that’s perfect! They don’t want to stay til the morning!

I kept yelling as we crossed the street. I was still yelling when we came to Goose Island and discovered it was closed. I didn’t care who heard, the hobos or the skanks or the bros, anyone and everyone on Clark Street heard that I had been cockblocked. It escalated when we went into Mullen’s. G-Spot and Ricky Rousse cornered me to calm me down. At least I think it was Ricky Rousse? It may have been Boomp.

G-Spot: Would you rather have fun with your friends or have sex with a douchebag?
Lynx: …Yeah I choose sex.
Boomp/Ricky Rousse: But it’s Jonathan Goldman’s birthday. Don’t you want to be there for him?
Lynx: But it was a fucking bachelor party!

Let me first of all say, I fucking love Jonathan Goldman like I love Tucker Max. Jonathan Goldman is like a god in my eyes. I was just Hurricane Bitch out of control. Of course Jonathan Goldman & Crew are more important than random ass with a stranger who went to Mizzou! But my poor vag, they all had someone to go home to! After Mullen’s we stopped at Taco Bell for drunk munchies. On our way out, I saw the bachelor party come in. My ire was reawakened. Hurricane Bitch came out and Ricky Rousse and I got into a physical altercation back at Jonathan Goldman’s apartment. Lesson here? They obviously didn’t pay attention to Scruffelhauser’s words “You don’t want to get in Lynx’s way when she wants to get laid.”

Crotch Is Where The Heart Is

G-Spot: Lynx, I know exactly where your heart is. Your crotch.
Kooter Kake: No, that’s where her penis is.
G-Spot: Also her brain.

What Assholes Are Good For

We were pre-gaming at Kooter Kake’s apartment before heading to a Cubs game. There were a lot of us there but as much as I would love to turn this into an HHC story I won’t. K-Ho and I started drinking at 8:30 AM and by the time everyone was there, I was already slurring my words and rambling. Honey said something to which I responded,

Lynx: “Assholes are fine to fuck but not to have a conversation with!”

Waking Up With The Lynx

June 2006

My parents were out of the country for the entire month of June. About 2-4 nights a week, I had the crew over at my house drinking and partying. Of all the nights to write about, I could have probably picked a better one. I don’t remember how this night started but I do know that when I went to sleep, I was in bed alone.

In the middle of the night, I felt someone climb into bed with me. I’m on the verge of flipping out, thinking it was one of the guys trying to do something creepy when I notice that it’s Kooter Kake’s girlfriend. So I don’t cuss her out and just move over, thinking that her and Kooter Kake got into a fight and she didn’t want to sleep on my couch. I roll over and go back to sleep.

The next morning upon waking up, Kooter Kake’s girlfriend jumps out of bed, “How did I get here?? Where’s Kooter Kake?”

I’m confused at this point. She genuinely thought she had been sleeping next to Kooter Kake the entire time. “You came in here last night, I don’t know where Kooter Kake is. Did you guys get into a fight? Is that why you came in here?”

She just responds with, “I don’t remember coming in here and getting into bed with you!”

Yeah right. That’s what they all say. Turns out that Kooter Kake’s (now former) girlfriend was a sleepwalker. I like to think that she really did want to seduce me. It seemed like such a harmless laughable thing at the time. Oh, the Lynx is flattered someone’s girlfriend chose to sleep in bed with her. Haha, maybe Kooter Kake’s Lady secretly has a thing for me.

This is where it all started: random people trying to get cozy under the covers with the Lynx. I would be more pissed about it later on.

37 Dicks

September 2006

I was visiting G-Spot and Sloppy Shot down in Champaign along with Azami and her boyfriend at the time. We started out at a Christmas party in September at the Jewish Dorm. The party was cool in theory. Christmas when it’s hot as balls out? Why not! It was kind of awkward though. It really was a bunch of very nerdy 18 year olds running around. I’m sure they were very nice 18 year olds, but being 21, I just wanted to go to the bars. I spent most of my time in Santa’s room talking to Sloppy Shot or smoking a cig with G-Spot outside. At this time I was still a social smoker. Santa also had an awesome view of the Illini campus.

We let early and spent the rest of the night at Brothers getting drunk. We stumbled out drunk onto Green Street after last call, when all of a sudden I hear G-Spot yell to the other people walking by and he’s pointing at me.

G-Spot: “My Girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!!”
Random Guy: “In a row?”
Lynx: “What the fuck?? I am not his girlfriend! I haven’t sucked 37 dicks!”

I was angry. He kept shouting it to new people and they either responded with “With in a row?” or “Wow, that’s a lot of dicks!” Then G-Spot came across some guy walking with a pizza and it was like they were long lost brothers. G-Spot did the “My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks” line and the guy was like, “In a row?” They laughed and then started speaking a language they only seemed to know. It was the language of Borat. Then G-Spot took the pizza box out of the guy’s hand and tried to run off with it. He gave it back to the guy because his roommate would have been very pissed if he had shown up without a pizza.

We made it back to G-Spot and Sloppy Shot’s apartment. Kooter Kake also lived with them during this time but I have no idea where he was this night. He missed out on our shenanigans. G-Spot for whatever drunk reason, stripped down to his boxers and challenged Sloppy Shot to a wrestling match on their living room floor. Sloppy Shot never to back down from a challenge, only took his shirt off. I forgot who won.

I would learn at some point between Borat talk and passing out that the “My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!!” line was from the movie Clerks. It made me more forgiving about G-Spot trying to make me look like a whore on Green Street. When I was telling the tale to Jack, who would become the Champaign Cockblock 4 months later, he was not too pleased. He also had not seen Clerks and was thinking he wanted nothing to do with a girl who had sucked 37 dicks or who G-Spot claimed was his girlfriend (in jest).

 

Morning Margaritas

Just because I want you to know how badass I used to be.

Fall 2006

G-Spot, Sloppy Shot and Kooter Kake were roommates at the time. I happened to be visiting them in Champaign one weekend. That semester I made a trip or two a month to Champaign (because it’s like my favorite place on earth) so all the trips blurred into one another. It could have been a random solo trip, a random group trip, a birthday party, a sexual healing gang bang, who knows! All I remember is waking up that Sunday and I was sitting next to Kooter Kake on the couch. It was like 10:30 am, we were watching something on t.v. and no one else was up yet. I think that out of boredom Kooter Kake turned to me and said, “I still have some tequila left. Wanna start drinking?”

It was that, or I asked him if there was anything left to drink and I invited myself to use the rest of his tequila. He went to the kitchen and rummaged around. Came back out to the living room and presented not only a tequila bottle, but margarita mix. We were gonna class it up! 20 minutes into drinking the margaritas, I realized what a terrible idea it was. I was drinking on an empty stomach and the tequila began to tear at me.

G-Spot came walking out at that moment and asked, “What are you guys doing?”
Lynx: “Drinking. Want some margaritas?”
G-Spot: -in disbelief- “Are you serious? What time is it?”
Lynx: “Ten forty-five. Want some morning margaritas?”