In Which The Bears Lose To The Rams

 

I’m going to be serious for a moment. Not many people are aware that I don’t like gamblers. Growing up, I saw how it affected many Asian families and I vowed I would never end up like them. I only saw the misery and heartache it caused. My own mother is somehow convinced that I will wind up spending the rest of my days with a drunkard who gambles our money away, and she believes as a result he will force me to live in squalor.

I like proving my mother wrong. Which brings me to a conversation I had with Sloppy Shot. He suggested that he screen any potential guys I wanted to date. He asked me what qualities I liked and which ones were absolute deal breakers. Among the latter, I mentioned that I wouldn’t give a gambler a chance. I was pretty firm with this decision until Sloppy Shot tried to reason with me. And since I know that Sloppy Shot has my best interests at heart, I thought about it for a moment. Was it really that undesirable? Did it matter? I mean, it’s better to have a guy who plays poker than be into Dungeons & Dragons, right?

 

Sloppy Shot: “You’re being ridiculous. Every guy has to gamble a little bit. You would seriously not date a guy just because him and his buddies play Texas Hold ‘Em once in a while?”
Lynx: “Okay fine. If he makes your cut then I won’t hold gambling against him.”

 

November 2008

I was over at Langdon’s watching the Bears vs. Rams game. Langdon’s roommates are not Bears fans (Slim-Vikings and Tad-Packers), and were rooting for the failure of Chicago. Langdon was basically on his phone the whole time during the game. I heard words that kept ending in -hundred and I figured that he had put money down for a Bears win. How much he had riding on the game, I never knew. Anyone who saw that game knows what happens next.

Lynx: “Did that just happen? THEY LOST TO THE RAMS!!”
Langdon: “FUCK. Hey baby… it’s not like you like going out to fancy places.”
Lynx: “What?”
Langdon: “We’re going to have to stay in for the next 3 weeks.”
Lynx: “WHAT?”
Langdon: “But it’s okay because you don’t like fancy places anyway, right?”
Lynx: -trying to hide disgust- “Does this mean I have to buy us dinner at Hooters from now on?”

Wild Turkey Night

November 2008

This is when I found out the guy I was seeing was a big blubbering emotional pussy. Not an attractive trait by any means.

Thanksgiving night I head over to Langdon’s. I receive some texts from Tad saying that they’ve been drinking Wild Turkey and that Langdon is going to be passed out when I arrive. I don’t think anything of this and I don’t believe Tad. That was my second mistake, the first mistake being that I actually went over to their townhouse. I show up, barely say hi to Tad, and I find Langdon passed out in his bed, wearing only a hoodie and boxers which are inside out.

I gently shake him to wake him up. He pulls me down to him, we start making out and get right down to business. I’m so happy that a guy has finally gotten the idea, to just take me when I come into a room and have our clothes come flying off. I climbed on top of him and start fucking him. About 10 minutes of my boobs bouncing in his face, out of nowhere Langdon says “You’re using me for sex.”

Excuse me? I’m using him for sex? I stop moving my hips and I say, “What the fuck? Who attacked who when I got here?? Why would you say that I’m using you for sex?”

His drunk ass has no coherent response, so I continue to fuck him. I thought there would be no more comments from Langdon. I really don’t like talking during sex. I may do the occasional “Fuck me harder!” or “Spank me!” but I don’t ask “Honey, how was your day?” If he wants to keep me satisfied, he needs to shut his mouth.

Another 10 minutes go by. Drunk Langdon starts talking again, “I want to fly you to Pittsburgh for my company’s holiday party.”

Well that’s awesome but I don’t stop riding him, fully aware that I’m the only one taking the sexing seriously. I’m not losing my rhythm again for drunk babble, but Langdon doesn’t shut up!

Langdon: “I’ve been after you for a year and a half.”
Lynx: “Are you dicking me around?”
Langdon: “You’re my girl, I’m becoming obsessed with you. I like you so much. “

Oh shit. What the fuck? Now is not the time for this kind of talk! Once again I’m forced to stop grinding my hips with his cock inside me. I’m more than irritated at this point. I was totally dominating him. You know how a girl can ride a guy so good/hard, that she is really the one who’s fucking him? That was me. I was fucking Langdon. Not the other way around. And I’m actually kind of disgusted that he would pull this shit while I’m trying to get my sex on. So I snap at him and Langdon sounds like he was about ready to cry.

Lynx: “Can we talk about this later?”
Langdon: “I want to be your boyfriend.”
Lynx: “Uhh…what did you say?”
Langdon: “Just tell me I have a chance at being with you. I’ll even take a ‘maybe.’ “
Lynx: “Okay…maybe.”

That seemed to placate him because he kissed me, and I started fucking him again. He didn’t ruin the mood again after that. To be honest it was one of the hottest sessions I’ve ever had. He was drunk off his ass and wasn’t afraid to fuck me hard, something he couldn’t do when he was sober or sobering up when we got home from the bars. We fucked so much that night, his room would reek of sex for over a day. I finally had to say, “We have to stop, my pussy can’t take anymore!”

Right before falling asleep, I ask him if he is going to take back everything he said in the morning. Langdon says no. I also ask if he is going to remember what he said to me. Langdon says yes. I was going to hold him to it.

The next morning we went at it again, but I was too sore to ride him. When we got done with that, I walked out of his room naked to grab a water from the kitchen. I see an empty box on the floor. It’s a Wild Turkey box for 2 bottles. I then realize exactly how much Langdon and Tad drank the night before.

I go back to Langdon and ask if he remembers anything.

Langdon: “Well there’s a condom on the floor, so I know I was responsible last night!”

Wedding Story: How Langdon Met the Lynx

December 2008

I went to a wedding with Langdon. An old roommate of his from college was getting married. On the ride to the ceremony I asked to hear some stories about him and the groom. Only 2 stick out in my memory, the first being that this roommate and his girlfriend were at always fighting and throwing shit at each other if they did not take their medication (they had some type of disorder) but the girlfriend asked to have a threesome with Langdon and the roommate. Langdon claimed that he wasn’t into this type of shit- whether he meant 2 guys and a girl or threesomes in general, I don’t know. The second story, Langdon was literally about to get in the shower when this roommate was like, “Oh cool, I’ll join you,” as if it were an everyday occurence and started taking his clothes off. Langdon kicked him out of the shower of course.

At the wedding people were asking if I was Langdon’s girlfriend or wife. We were sitting at the open bar the first time I heard someone ask if I was his wife and I almost choked on my drink. Langdon would just keep saying “This is Lynx,” and people would let it go. This one guy Merve saw how very uncomfortable the question made me so he kept asking.

Merve: “So her name’s Lynx, is she your wife or girlfriend?
Lynx: -cough, cough-
Merve: “I think you should marry her.”
Lynx: -COUGH, COUGH-
Langdon: “Hey I’ve been trying but she keeps shooting me down!”

Merve and his wife Maddy came to keep me company when they saw I was sitting by myself when Langdon was in the bathroom. Maddy saw that her hubby had been badgering us so she asked me, “Is Langdon supposed to pop the question but won’t?” I couldn’t stop laughing because everyone at the wedding thought we were in a more serious relationship than we were. I managed to tell her that marriage was not in the works. Not popping the question was definitely not on the list of things for me to use as an excuse to withhold sex from Langdon.

Merve for whatever reason, was determined to get to the bottom of our relationship. He waited for Langdon to get back from the bathroom before asking me, “Are you guys lovers? Friends? What’s going on between you two?” He thought he could corner me into giving an answer with Langdon there. Not giving in, I told Merve that Langdon paid me to be his wedding date. Maddy then joined in the assault and asked how we met each other, how long we’ve known each other, etc. Not sure what to say, I looked at Langdon. He only looked back at me, waiting to see what I would say. I know he was expecting to hear me share a sentimental, gushy story about our blossoming puppy love. He wasn’t going to get it!

Lynx: “Why don’t you tell them, Langdon?”
Langdon: “Merve, you’re killing me with these questions. You tell it, Lynx.”
Lynx: “We met at a hotel. I was sleeping.”
Langdon: “Why would you tell them that??”
Lynx: “Because it’s true!”

In case you are also wondering how this hotel room comes into play, Butch rented one when we went to visit ISU a few years back. I was passed out in the bed when Langdon came over. Butch jokingly said, “Langdon, go look at what I brought you.”

Meeting at a hotel was not what Merve and Maddy were expecting. Langdon told them his side of the story so he wouldn’t sound like a big creep who preyed hotels for random sleeping women.

Langdon: “I was dating this other girl when I met Lynx. Then we broke up and I was asking about her constantly. We drunkenly hooked up one summer and it was so bad she stayed away from me for a year and a half. I asked her out a couple months ago and she somehow forgot about the bad sex we had, and she said yes.”
Lynx: “Why would you tell them that you sucked at sex??”

We danced to a couple songs to appease the groom’s aunt. She sat next to us in church and drunkenly talked to us after dinner. She thought that we shouldn’t have been sitting while some people were on the dance floor. I just didn’t want to dance inappropriately in front of old people and shame Langdon. He looked really good that night. I talked him into leaving early and skipping the hotel bar so that I could show him just how good he looked to me!  

Garibaldi’s Guy

I was driving around, quite possibly shopping with Junior one afternoon before he moved back to Texas. I swear this kid is like schizophrenic, he keeps moving back and forth between Texas and Illinois. How can you not make up your mind after the second time?

Anyway so I was driving. I completely forget what we were talking about, but I do remember I started snickering. You know, almost one of those “Muah hahaha” laughs. Junior hadn’t said anything funny, so he asked me about it.

Junior: “Why are you smiling?”
Lynx: “I just had a random thought.”
Junior: “And?”
Lynx: “If this thing between me and Langdon doesn’t work out, can we go back to the Garibaldi’s by your house so that I can hit on the guy that looks like Leo?”
Junior: “Wow, are you kidding me? You remember that? We were there like a year ago!”

The previous year while we were running errands by his mother’s house, we stopped at a Garibaldi’s for lunch. Garibaldi’s is this Italian restaurant, they’ve got decent pizza. I would definitely go back again! I remember walking in and noticing the guy taking our orders, he looked a lot like Leo. However, this kid was younger, he was scrawnier in that punk/emo way, he had gages in his ears, but he was a spitting image of Leo right down to his long eyelashes.

Well I was turned on. Maybe the Emo-Leo kid picked up on it, because he started looking at me differently. I wanted to drag him across the counter and do lots of naughty things to him.

I wonder if he still works there. Better yet, is he at least 18?

Picnic Time: My Face

So today’s entry is about what took place last year at Honey’s 21st birthday celebration. My friends and I refer to this night as “The Infamous Picnic Table Incident.” We celebrated at Alumni, however, K-Ho and I managed to get Honey way too drunk the night before so Honey was drinking water.

I rode out with Boomp and Ricky Rousse. We stopped for gas when the boys decided that they were hungry and were going to run across the busy intersection to get McDonald’s. Never mind having had some drinks and cars are coming at you. That’s not dangerous at all! When they got back we made a pact: since we were arriving at Alumni together, we would also be good friends and leave together. I also told them that Langdon was possibly going to be there and that they should make sure that I keep away from him and/or not go home with him.

We made it to Alumni and upon entering the beer garden, we came across Butch and company. Sloppy Shot, Butch and Jeremy had a reunion and did a round of lunchboxes at the bar. Langdon was trying to chase me around the beer garden, buying me drinks and nachos. Langdon and I were standing around talking at one point and next thing I know, we’re making out. Now in all fairness, he started it. For whatever reason he then took me out to the grassy area, where there were picnic tables, far from everyone. He sat down, made me straddle him, and we continued making out hardcore. I thought I heard G-Spot yell, “HE’S GONNA GET HIS DICK WET!!” but G-Spot denies having said this. Scruffelhauser swung by to take a picture of us making out, that’s how awesome my friends are.

So we’re drunk and making out, totally oblivious to our surroundings. And that’s when the picnic table FLIPPED OVER!!

I was stunned. One minute we were making out and the next minute we were on the ground with the picnic table up in the air. We heard cheering and shouting. Everybody in that damn place whipped out their digital cameras and camera phones to take pictures of us. I was so drunk and embarrassed. I got up and left Langdon behind, but I can’t remember where I went. The making out didn’t end there. Oh no, we became that obnoxious couple sucking face at the bar.

Lazer, Boomp, multiple other friends, were having a field day with me and Langdon making out. They would take pictures of us and be the creepers in the background. You know the creepers I’m talking about. The guys giving the camera thumbs up or high-fiving each other.

Ricky Rousse: “So how do you guys know each other?”

Lynx: “This is how we know each other” -proceed to make out with Langdon-
Ricky Rousse: “Oh, okay…”  

At one point Langdon wanted to take me back to Butch’s. I knew what he would try to do if I went with him. We had hooked up the summer before and he was going to try to do it again. I told him that the only way it was going to happen was if he promised nothing would happen. He drunkenly promised and I went to tell some folks I was going to leave.

Ricky Rousse came up to me, “What are you doing? What happened to us leaving? I hope you don’t do something you’re going to regret.”

I like to think that I’m a person of my word and that I’m a loyal friend. Langdon was not the person I should be leaving with. Ricky Rousse, being the friend that he is, said he would drive me home instead. I went back to Langdon and told him that I changed my mind. I would be going home with Ricky Rousse. Langdon was angry at being cockblocked.

Langdon: “Are you going to let your friends tell you what to do?”
Lynx: “You won’t understand, I’m sorry…just give me a call tomorrow, okay?”

He went back to his table to go sulk. He couldn’t even look at me when I said goodbye. I didn’t know this at the time, but Butch told me a couple days later that Slim and Tad made a bet that night on who would take me home. Slim thought Langdon would be triumphant, after all that hardcore making out, how could Langdon go back empty handed? Tad thought Ricky Rousse would be the one to take me home, and he was right.

Boomp, Ricky Rousse and I left. I went into drunk hysterics while in the car and Sloppy Shot had to come out and calm me down. Unfortunately we had bigger problems on the way home. That problem was a road block teeming with police. I’ll spare you the details, but Ricky Rousse almost got a DUI that night.

Ricky Rousse: “Officer, I’m the designated driver. I only had a few drinks.”
Officer: “If you were the designated driver, you shouldn’t be drinking at all.”

Out of our friends, we were not the only ones who got stuck in this predicament. I did feel guilty, because it was my fault that we were in this situation. I would have felt worse if Ricky Rousse had gotten a DUI. Lucky for us, we did make it home that night. But for future reference, never tell an officer that you’re the designated driver and that you’ve been drinking!

Something For The Hunnies

Langdon, Slim, their buddy Colt, and I were drinking at the Barleycorn in Schaumburg. Colt was kind of hoping to meet some ladies but after I ordered us a huge ass plate of nachos, he was sidetracked by trying to help me eat them all. He never got to meet girls that night. Slim on the other hand, his girlfriend was mad at him and his way of dealing with it was to see if he still had game. He went off to hit on some girls.

It all started because I love the show the Pick-Up Artist. He wasn’t a big fan and thinks Mystery is a major douchebag. Slim thought he could do a better job of picking girls up and schooling other fellows, “They have that shit premeditated and scripted. What happens when a girl turns you down? Your plan is ruined and you don’t know how to work it. You have to be spontaneous! That’s going to get the girls!”

There was a 3 set with 2 girls and a guy. Slim wanted to ruin the guy’s chances of getting with either girl. He tried going after the hotter of the 2 girls but got rejected.

Slim: “Hey how do you feel about Montell Jordan?”
Random Girl: “Oh my God, who doesn’t love Michael Jordan?”
Slim: “Uh…no, Montell Jordan.”
Random Girl: “There’s a Montell Jordan? Does he play basketball too?”
Slim: “Ah geez…I gotta go, my friends are doing Jager bombs.”

Another target
Slim: “Hey, how do you feel about Montell Jordan?”
Other Random Girl: “The talk show was okay. Why?”
Slim: “Dumb bitch, no! Not Montell Williams! MONTELL JORDAN!”

Okay he didn’t call her a dumb bitch to her face. But he did say it to us when he was shot down again.

And Another
Slim: “Hey how do you feel about Montell Jordan?”
Another Random Girl: “Ahhh! I love Montell Jordan!!”

They spoke for a good 15 minutes and then she ran off to go talk to her friends. 10 minutes later she came back up to us and said that her boyfriend wanted to meet Slim. We were all thinking the guy was going to kick Slim’s ass for talking to his girlfriend, but it turns out her boyfriend was a huge Montell Jordan fan as well. I could not believe it. I was never a big Montell Jordan fan and I thought Slim would fall on his face.

Slim: “I am so awesome with my Montell Jordan lines that some chick actually brought me over to meet her boyfriend so he could know how awesome I was!”

Future Pick-Up Artists, I wouldn’t recommend using Montell Jordan as a line. This night with Slim’s experiment clearly was not a success. As we were leaving the bar, Slim walked up to a pair of cougars he had been hitting on earlier.

Slim: “I have to tell you the truth, I have a girlfriend. I love her very much and it was wrong of me to start a conversation with you. I know we both love Montell Jordan but nothing can ever happen between us.”

Kilometre Loses His V-Card

Langdon, Butch, and I were having a post-Thanksgiving lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings when Langdon told us the story of how Kilometre lost his virginity at the age of 23.

3-4 years ago

Kilometre was in Bentonville, Arkansas on a trip. Here’s some trivia for you, Bentonville is where the first Walmart opened. 

So Kilometre is at some hotel bar and meets a chick, they wind up exchanging numbers. For whatever reason Kilometre never tells anyone. They would talk every now and again. Then one day out of the blue, it comes out that she’s a porn star/model. She was in an amateur red headed slut video. 7-8 months later they decide to meet up again. 

Kilometre drives all the way down to Arkansas and gets a room at the same hotel where he met the chick at. They have a nice dinner at the hotel and the chick asks Kilometre to walk her out to her car. Well when they get to her car he realizes that she is getting her overnight bag so he knows he’s going to get lucky.

They go back to his room, start making out like fiends and when this porn star reaches for a condom, she pulls out magnums. Upon seeing this Kilometre has to whip out his own condoms ( a 3-pack he especially bought for this moment) because there’s no way he’s going to fill a magnum.

Kilometre: “Can you put that away so I can use my significantly smaller prophylactic?”

The next morning at breakfast, the porn star and Kilometre are eating. Kilometre is going to town on the bacon and doesn’t notice the bacon stuck on his face when the porn star says, “I don’t think we should talk anymore.” To which there isn’t much Kilometre can say other than “Okay.” He manages to get through the rest of breakfast without getting any more food on his face.

Once he hits the road, Kilometre cries for 3 hours as he’s driving home. He finally gets to fuck a woman- a porn star, and that porn star never wants him to pound her again (probably because he doesn’t measure up to other porn stars). After crying for 3 hours, Kilometre has a moment of clarity, “It was a great life experience!” He puts some Dave Matthews Band in the CD player and jams out.

On the way home from Arkansas, he stops in St. Louis where Langdon is staying at a fancy hotel. Kilometre tells Langdon the tale of losing his virginity and gives Langdon the rest of his condoms.

Langdon: “Don’t you want to keep it?”
Kilometre: “Langdon, you and I both know I’ll never use this again.”