Ando Almost Kills The Lynx

January/February 2005

Leela and I were drinking at the Kutcher House. For whatever reason Leela and I stepped outside and saw that Ando, brother in the House of David, was outside drunk having a smoke next to his car. At the time these two fraternities were right next to each other. We ran over to him to say hi. I jumped on him in my excitement. Now Ando is a big guy. Large in physique and muscular.  I thought he could handle a 140 pound girl. Yeah well I jump on him and the next thing I know, BAM! The fucker dropped me on the car! He wasn’t prepared for all that Lynx loving. When he fell, he twisted and we landed on the car. The wind was knocked out of me because Ando’s large body was crushing me.

Ando: Oh my God, are you okay?
Lynx: -can’t breathe-
Ando: Lynx, ARE YOU OKAY??
Lynx: -still can’t breathe-
Ando: Say something!
Lynx: Dying!
Ando: Oh my God! I killed Lynx!

Jumping on drunk people is a bad idea. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t learn my lesson. I’ve been dropped/fallen since this night.

How Not To Meet The Lynx’s Mom

September 2004

My sophomore year at NIU had just started and my mother was visiting the townhouse. To be honest, I hated when my parents showed up, they were always interfering with my drinking and party recovery. These activities were frowned upon by them, so like any typical college kid it was something I tried to hide.

My mother was cutting into me and Leela’s drinking time at the House of David and we were anxious for her to leave. Just when my mother was about to leave, there was a knock at at our back door. I answered it to see 3 House of David guys standing with 40s in their hands. Oh shit. They were wondering what was taking us so long. When they saw that my mother was there they came in to say hi to her.

I was flipping out in my head, “Oh my god they’ve got beer in their hands! She’s going to think all my friends are drunks and she’s going to hate them!”They were pretty drunk. Too fucking drunk to meet my mother. And yes, they did make asses of themselves in front of her.

Ando, in his drunkeness, thought we were Filipino and tried to speak Tagalog.

Ando: -speaking drunk Tagalog-
Mother of the Lynx: “What?”
Ando: -repeating drunk Tagalog-
Lynx: “Why are you talking in a foreign language?”
Ando: “You’re Filipino! You’re supposed to understand me! “

Young Russy kept trying to hug her and kiss her hand.

Lynx: “I think you need to get off my mom now.”
Young Russy: “Isn’t this what Asian people do? I’m trying to be nice!”

And Sharky kept blurting out, “She’s so hot. Lynx’s mom is so fucking hot!”

I was completely horrified. I kept hitting him to get him to shut up but he wouldn’t be quiet. Leela of course was more entertained by this than I was. We did a very unsuccessful job of trying to get the guys to leave our place. When my mother left, I yelled at the guys to never fucking do that again otherwise I would shove a 40 oz. up their asses.

The next day, I got a call from my mother.

Mother of the Lynx: “Those boys from yesterday, they stunk of alcohol. Are you sure they’re not doing drugs? I think you need to find new friends, they’re not good boys. And that one boy, he was a manslut* trying to touch me! “

* She was speaking in Asian and this is the best/closest translation for the actual word she used.

Halloween as a Pussycat Doll

Okay so this is really about Halloween 2004, but to preface this I have to sort of explain Halloween 2003.

I had just started hanging out with my future roommate Leela. For my costume I was a Pussycat Doll before they were cool and only a burlesque show. House of David and the Gentleman House were throwing a joint party and my BFFs at the time, Simba and Young Russy (House of David pledges) had to wear man-thongs, and only man-thongs, as their costume. Strangely enough, they got hit on by many girls this night. I got separated from Leela and wound up starting an apartment party across the street from the Jock House. Leela would be all by herself when she witnessed the guy she was seeing (House of David), make out with another girl in front of her and she ended her relationship with him after that. Once I was done with the apartment party, me and some girls went to crash the Tiki House who was having a mixer with a sorority. I barely remembered passing by a guy in a Duff Man costume. I would learn months down the line that this was Leo. 

October 2004

We were back at the Gentlemen House. I was a Pussycat Doll again because I loved it so much. I was one of the few original costumes at parties and no one really had the balls to wear the outfit. Leela wore the same exact costume both years, her booty short panties and a tank top. She was an “underwear model.” Anyway I was lust-struck and kinda followed Scooby Douche around since it was his fraternity. His bitch neighbors tried to infere with us again. I got separated from Lauren. She was seeing our neighbor who happened to be a Gentleman Alum and just like the year before, she would watch this guy also make out with another chick in front of her face. Since she obviously was upset, I thought that it would be best to leave.

When I pulled her outside to make the 6 building walk to our townhouse, I realized I had to puke. I went off to the bushes with Leela holding my hair back. This actually was the highlight of my night because as I was dryheaving, some drunk guy who had been pissing by us, came up to me and said, “You know, you’re a really good dancer!” All I could say was, “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m puking, get the fuck outta here!”

I probably should have asked him out on a date. It’s not often that a guy compliments a girl while she’s vomiting in the grass outside a fraternity house in her panties.

Scooby Douche

Fall 2004

Scooby Douche was a guy I mooned over for a semester. We hooked up a few times, he was the most gorgeous guy I had ever seen. He had awesome shaggy hair, cherub angel lips, and these amazing blue-green eyes. He was from the Gentlemen House which upped my desire for him. Upon finding out about a “Conquer List” that my roommate and I had, I liked him enough to tell him that he was not a “conquest” to me. He did knock out two categories for me, but I relinquished my notches of “Shaggy Hair” and “Gentlemen House.” Scooby Douche is the reason why I stopped giving guys the benefit of a doubt. He would go on to be an Abercrombie & Fitch model. Or so I was told.

There was a slight incident when me and my roommate Leela were at his townhouse. His roommates were throwing a party so a lot of their fraternity brothers and random people were there. Scooby Douche and I were having a fall out. I was trying to talk to him and his crazy bitch ass neighbor was all over his nuts. Leela and I called this crazy bitch neighbor, Pinnochio, because she had a huge Gonzo nose and she was ugly as shit. Scooby Douche didn’t even want her!

I felt like I was in enemy territory. A few weeks before I had gone through some shit with another female neighbor of his, who was jealous of me. And now this slut was throwing herself at him. These girls did not want Scooby Douche and I to be alone together. He finally managed to pull me out to the back porch, so we could talk without Gonzo noses distracting us.

At the same time, Leela was bitching at one of Scooby Douche’s roommates, Marino. They were friends, and it was through them that Scooby Douche and I met in the first place. Marino had been in love with Leela and when she rejected him, he found himself a substitute. We didn’t like the girl, because she was a dirty slut. We also knew that she was cheating on him with another frat boy: our friend Simba, from the House of David.

Leela: “Who the hell is that slut? Why is she all over Scooby Douche’s cock? Is he fucking playing my girl?”

When Marino didn’t give her any good answers, she threw it in his face that his slut girlfriend was hooking up with Simba. She came to find me. We left and when we got home, she wrote a lovely poem to cheer me up.

Leela’s poem:

There once was a boy,
Kind of looked like part of the Scooby Crew
Was part of the team until he realized
There were no Asian girls in it to screw,
Once he noticed that his right hand
Just couldn’t give him the big “O,”
He was attacked by his neighbor
Who closely resembles Pinnochio.
Disgusted and appalled, he looked to
His roommate to cockblock
But the roomie was pissed cause his girl was
Sucking a House of David boy’s cock.

The Brawler

August 2008

One of the many nights I was visiting K-Ho, we went to the unofficial Brawler House. When I was at NIU for undergrad, I’d only been to/through the Brawler House twice and I can’t say that I had good experiences there. The first time I was a freshman, partying with some girls on my floor. One of their boyfriends wound up causing a scene and almost got his ass beat by the Brawlers. Naturally I tried to stay away for the rest of my duration as a freshman. I went again my sophomore year when Leela and I were hanging out with a new girl. Her older brother had been a Brawler and she knew all the guys. The girl didn’t last more than 3 weeks with us. Leela and I also decided the Brawler House wasn’t a place we’d fit in.

The Brawlers lost their house at some point after I left. In my experience with fraternities losing charters and houses, the guys just go find another residence to unofficially call “home.” The Brawlers did exactly this. They found a place on the other side of campus. K-Ho had some Brawler friends so we went over to party. I won’t go into detail about the young douchebags I came across or the young guys trying to holler at us. We did some shots and wound up dancing on a table. Now I haven’t danced on a table in a while, but I still had the magic!

There was some freshman girl also dancing with us, who was so excited she said “I can’t believe I’m dancing with seniors!!”

Which is when the magic left me. Now for K-Ho this was true. For me, it wasn’t true. I was a recent college graduate and I had been on the 5 year plan. In frat years, I was a cougar. This freshman girl was at least 4 or 5 years younger than me. I was only adding to her corruption. For a moment I wondered what the hell I was doing at a “frat house,” taking shots from 18 year old boys, and dancing on tables with 18 year old girls. Did I really plan on running some game here?

And then it hit me. I knew where I could get someone for some sexing. I started texting Jack. He was a Brawler alumnus from a different university and he was at NIU getting a post-graduate degree. It was out of the blue that I texted him, and our acquaintance wasn’t always the smoothest it could have been. We had a rather complicated history. It may have had promise in the beginning, but even good things go bad.

Jack didn’t seem amused by the fact that I was at the Brawler House. When we first met 3 years ago, he had just graduated. He barely talked about his frat days in the house, let alone acknowledged it. Back to the night me and K-Ho were together, that night Jack and his roommates were hosting a party for their graduate peers.

Jack: “When you get bored playing with little boys, give me a call.”

I did call him. And I’ll admit that I used him and abused him. I didn’t even say goodbye the next morning. Jack was not a light sleeper, so he didn’t hear me leave. There were no second thoughts as I slipped out the front door and left without a trace.

Jack didn’t realize this was a goodbye of sorts and continued to contact me. I think he’s gotten the hint by now.

Crazy Bitch Neighbors, Part 1

August 2004

Warning: This account is full of drama

Upon moving into our townhouse Leela and I did not get along with our female neighbors. I don’t know how it happened, it just did. Our hot neighbor, whose name escapes me now (and turned out to be such a HUGE douchebag that he doesn’t even get a fake name), brought the girls to our door. There were 3 of them, and it was obvious to Leela and I that they didn’t care about meeting us. I’ll even go as far as to say they thought we were threats. They turned all their attention on our hot neighbor who was an acquaintance of ours from freshman year and snubbed us. So we shut our door and continued drinking inside. Well apparently, we found out months later that, these girls thought we had been the rude ones.

Collectively, we called these girl the “A-Bitches” because they lived in section A. Within the first three weeks of living in together, there was an altercation in the parking lot between us and the A-Bitches. After this night, very bad blood existed. Unfortunately, there was nothing funny about this night. Leela was having some problems with a boyfriend that she had recently broken up with. It was a rather rough break-up, and he wanted to come over to talk to her. Leela had me go with her to get him from the parking lot, because she knew the A-Bitches were outside.

We overheard them talking about us as we came out. They continued to be catty when Leela saw her ex for the first time since the break-up, calling us names in front of him. I won’t deny that I was surprised by the level of hostility and lack of manners in front of her ex. In fact, I got pretty angry. Leela wanted me to ignore it. She wasn’t one for direct and hostile confrontations. I heard them still talking about us as we were turning to head back, and I snapped.

Bitch 1: “There go the sluts.”
Lynx: “Shut the fuck up!”
Bitch 1: “What?”
Lynx: “FUCK YOU!!”
Bitch 1:“You want to say that again?!”
Lynx: “Why are you such a dumb bitch?? You don’t even fucking know us, what the hell is your problem?? “
Bitch 2: -jumps in my face- “What did you just say?!”
Lynx: “Are you a fucking retarded whore? We never did anything to you!! Why are you calling us sluts when you don’t even know us?!”
Bitch 2: “You’re the ones who have guys walking in and out of your apartment!”
Lynx: “OUR FRIENDS coming over isn’t any of your business stupid skank, why don’t you go suck a dick, FUCKING JEALOUS BITCH!”

Bitch 2 was still in my face, she wanted to fight and I wasn’t going to back down. No one talks to my friends like that and I wasn’t a bitch to be messed around with. Leela and I were pretty much each other’s only girl friend. The rest of our friends were all guys and 75% of them were all in fraternities. So was there any truth to the A-Bitches saying a lot of guys were coming over to our place? Yes. Our guy friends did come over to hang out. Did we fuck them? I can only speak for myself, but I sure as hell did not. These girls thought they could intimidate us, being that they were older or maybe they thought they were more bad-ass. Bitch 3, however, couldn’t handle it and she came to drag Bitch 2 away from me. Bitch 2 of course kept screaming shit as she was being dragged away. Leela in turn pulled on my arm to make me go back inside.

It wasn’t quite a promising start to the school year and this was by no means the last of the drama with the A-Bitches.

Movie Watching with Simba

Fall 2005

One evening Leela and I were sitting around our townhouse and Simba came over to hang out. Leela and I were discussing some guys who had come over to “watch movies” aka we totally hooked up with them. And then Simba had an epiphany, it seemed a little too odd and too coincidental that many girls had asked him to also “watch movies” and no movie watching had ever really happened between him and these girls. So he asked us about it, when we ask guys to hang out and watch a movie, is that really our intent? Or do we have an agenda that doesn’t really involve watching movies. We told him that of course we had another motive for watching movies with guys and that obviously was to sex them!

Now Simba was a HUGE player. He had multiple girls running around, crazy about his nuts. He was like the Pick-Up Artist if you will. One of the many that we knew. He played all these girls, thinking he was the man and that girls were too stupid to ever use him, the way that he used them. Well, me and Leela got him to thinking about this. Perhaps, he had been played all along…and here was his reaction:

You girls are wild. You girls be on some shit. Man, I knew it! Man, I thought it was just me! “Come over for this, come over for that,” I ain’t neva done what they told me to come over for. Why can’t you jus’ say it??? Man this one bitch text’d me when I was sitting right next to her! Why is it when a nigga be looking for it he don’t find none, and when he jus’ wants to play video games or even jus’ scratch his balls you gotta go looking for him?? Man, when you jus wanna relax and shit that’s when you get 12 phone calls, 50 texts, people dropping by that you don’t even think about! Y’all be on some slick shit, man you girls be plottin’. Guys don’t have time for that.

Needless to say, Leela and I continued to do the “watch a movie” thing. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it!