He’s Seen The Glory

July 2009

Leo: I don’t know what vag tastes like anymore. I haven’t been getting any.

Lynx: Uh…okay…

Leo: The last time I went down a girl…well, you were the last one.

Lynx: Wow. How the hell did you get away with that??

Leo: I don’t know, but then you never asked for it. I did it because your vag was so glorious!

Tiki House Visit

August 2006

It was the beginning of move-in weekend at NIU. I was partying it up at the Kutcher House despite having just transferred to another school. I was standing outside talking to some of the Kutcher guys when I received a text from Jack, wanting to meet up later that night. He just started graduate school at NIU but his dumbass went home to Carol Stream for the weekend, while I went to Dekalb in hopes of running into him. Ironic. I moved quickly and texted Leo, I knew he was in town visiting his fraternity, the Tiki House.

Lynx: We should totally fuck tonight.
Leo: I’m in Dekalb, what about you?
Lynx: 4 houses down, with the Kutcher Boys.
Leo: Come on over, I’ll be on the third floor.

I met up with him and his best friend, Jean-Luc, in some brother’s room. Of course it was filled with girls. I sat next to Leo on the couch while Jean-Luc handed me beers. I was a little uncomfortable only because even though I had been to the Tiki House enough, they were not my friends and I still was a Kutcher girl. I  didn’t know these girls that kept putting their hands on Leo and telling him how hot he was. I found the whole thing entertaining. I remember thinking if I had cared about him at this point in time, I should have been jealous. But I didn’t give a damn. However I was growing impatient. I thought I was going to show up, have a beer, bone, and then get back to the Kutcher House. He was actually making me hang out with everyone.

When people began passing out, Leo tried finding a place for us to go. He graduated the previous spring and no longer lived at the house. We ran into a brother who was going to some skank’s apartment and said we could have his room. If I took the time to think about it, I could tell you how many months it had been since Leo and I saw each other last. We had just gotten reacquainted with each other through AIM a couple weeks earlier. I knew that Leo hadn’t had sex in 5 or 6 months due to a pregnancy scare with some other girl. He wanted to get back into the game and I was more than willing to help a “friend” out.

Leo tried to kiss me. Since he made me wait, I wasn’t in the mood for the usual moves that lead to sex. It was happening and it sure as hell didn’t need kissing to initiate it. I was drunk and climbed on top of him. We fucked a lot that night, it still holds my record, but I can’t remember if we started with clothes on or if it all came off later. I was wearing a skirt that night, so it’s possible I rode him with it on. The frat house doesn’t have air conditioning and the room we fucked in only had a ceiling fan which didn’t do us any good.

After having sex the third time (but not the last time), I lay on the futon, spent and satisfied. I was too tired to move away from Leo. On the verge of drifting to sleep, I heard someone at the door playing with the knob. It was locked so this drunk resourceful person successfully keyed the door (why did I never have this luck??). Leo and I were completely nude when the drunk person, a Tiki brother, walked in on us. He was pretty surprised at the sight of us. I didn’t try to cover myself, it was way too damn hot.

Tiki Brother: What the hell is going on here?
Leo: Umm…
Tiki Brother: Dude [room's owner] said I could crash here.
Leo: Yeah…I’m sorry man. As you can see the room’s a bit occupied. I owe you next time!

After he left we had sex again, and again, and again- well you get the point. I would have loved to tell you we fucked that many times without kissing once, and you can blame me for this one, but his face was way too close to mine so I just went for his mouth. And as I once told Boomp, “It didn’t mean anything!” It’s good that Leo was able to unleash on me. After I was dropped off at my car in the morning, Leo and Jean-Luc went paintballing. It was Leo’s first time and lucky him, he got shot in the dick. It was blue and black for a while.

The Snow Storm

January 2008

I didn’t know it at the time but when I decided to leave my house this evening, a snow storm was happening and I had to travel almost an hour in it. A few months prior, I had cut Leo off. He started dating another girl and didn’t bother to tell me. It was a rather rude awakening. One moment I think things were fine and then I see a picture of him locking lips with another girl. On top of that, this girl wrote lovey dovey messages all over his Myspace page. I did not take it well, which is a huge understatement. He still wanted to be friends and I wanted nothing to do with him. 

Text Conversation

Leo: “So what are your thoughts on Pangaea?”

Lynx: “I think it would be best if we stopped talking to each other.”

Leo: “Haha I guess I’m not that funny today.”

Lynx: “I’m not fucking around. You apparently have some type of girlfriend and I don’t want to talk to you anymore.”

Leo: “Wow, I didn’t know it was the cool thing to throw away a 3 year friendship through text.”

He didn’t fully understand what “I don’t want to talk to you anymore” meant, but he learned by week 3. Leo and that girl lasted about 2 months and then he was back, trying to talk to me. They all come crawling back to the Lynx. I was still very mad at him, but decided we could hang out again and that I would punish him. 

Back to the night of the snow storm.  By all outward appearances, one would think that this would lead to us hooking up. We did our usual movie thing and when that was over, he gave me a pair of boxers to change into. It was a bad idea to spend the night, but since it wasn’t safe to drive back home I felt that I should stay. I didn’t want to get back on the road only to get into an accident or wind up in a ditch and be stranded. It was awkward being around him again. Since we hadn’t been intimate in roughly 3 months, I left the room to change. 

Leo: “Did you just leave the room to change into my boxers?”

Lynx: “Yes, I did.”

Leo: “Um, one, it’s dark. Two, I’ve seen you naked before. And three, I don’t have my contacts in. I can’t see you anyway, ass!”

I let Leo think we were falling back into our routine. I was on my side of the bed, my back to him when I felt his lips on my neck. Don’t think for a second that I wasn’t thinking, “I missed you and I wish we could fuck like nothing happened.” I was throwing myself at the flame and had to remind myself that I was not getting burned this time. I suppose I should thank assholes everywhere, it’s because of you that I have finely honed my self control. 

Lynx: ”Is this where I tell you to not touch me?”

Leo: ”I don’t know…do you want me to stop touching you?”

I didn’t say anything and kind of laughed. I did want him to stop touching me, but I wanted to see how much further I could tease him before giving him the gift of blue balls. He continued his assault. Leo slid his hand underneath my shirt, caressing my bare back. Then his hand moved to the boxers I had on. That’s when I said, “Don’t touch me.” He was confused and withdrew his hand, only to attempt to breach the boxers again 5 minutes later.

Lynx: “Don’t touch me!”

Leo: “Are you serious? You don’t want me to touch you?”

Lynx: “I said don’t touch me.”

Leo: “You’re really going to be stubborn about this?”

Lynx: “Yes I am!”

Leo: “Wow, okay geez, I’m sorry.”

He rolled over, saying something else. I couldn’t hear so I wondered if he said “I’m sorry you want to be a bitch” or “I’m sorry for choosing another girl over you.” Two completely different things and it would also be very hard to mix-up either of those statements. It’s also quite possible he didn’t say either of those. The latter is totally from my imagination, and I wonder if he knew it was because of her that I was acting this way. 

What’s the lesson here? Don’t spurn the Lynx. Your dick will be worse off if you do.

Halloween as a Pussycat Doll

Okay so this is really about Halloween 2004, but to preface this I have to sort of explain Halloween 2003.

I had just started hanging out with my future roommate Leela. For my costume I was a Pussycat Doll before they were cool and only a burlesque show. House of David and the Gentleman House were throwing a joint party and my BFFs at the time, Simba and Young Russy (House of David pledges) had to wear man-thongs, and only man-thongs, as their costume. Strangely enough, they got hit on by many girls this night. I got separated from Leela and wound up starting an apartment party across the street from the Jock House. Leela would be all by herself when she witnessed the guy she was seeing (House of David), make out with another girl in front of her and she ended her relationship with him after that. Once I was done with the apartment party, me and some girls went to crash the Tiki House who was having a mixer with a sorority. I barely remembered passing by a guy in a Duff Man costume. I would learn months down the line that this was Leo. 

October 2004

We were back at the Gentlemen House. I was a Pussycat Doll again because I loved it so much. I was one of the few original costumes at parties and no one really had the balls to wear the outfit. Leela wore the same exact costume both years, her booty short panties and a tank top. She was an “underwear model.” Anyway I was lust-struck and kinda followed Scooby Douche around since it was his fraternity. His bitch neighbors tried to infere with us again. I got separated from Lauren. She was seeing our neighbor who happened to be a Gentleman Alum and just like the year before, she would watch this guy also make out with another chick in front of her face. Since she obviously was upset, I thought that it would be best to leave.

When I pulled her outside to make the 6 building walk to our townhouse, I realized I had to puke. I went off to the bushes with Leela holding my hair back. This actually was the highlight of my night because as I was dryheaving, some drunk guy who had been pissing by us, came up to me and said, “You know, you’re a really good dancer!” All I could say was, “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m puking, get the fuck outta here!”

I probably should have asked him out on a date. It’s not often that a guy compliments a girl while she’s vomiting in the grass outside a fraternity house in her panties.

The Mystery of Leo’s First Asian

February 2007

This night it was snowing like crazy and Leo was not too happy about going to Plainfield to celebrate his birthday.

Leo: come celebrate my birfday with me haha
Lynx: oh shush
Leo: lock it up
Lynx: you lock it up
Leo: SHE WAS MY FIRST ASIAN!
Lynx: lol simmer down
Leo: i think you were my first asian
Lynx: oh god
Leo: and first canadian. how do you feel about that haha
Lynx: “offended” that you only think this is so, cuz that means there’s a possibility i wasn’t
Leo: well there was this one girl, i’m not sure what she was haha
Lynx: hunt her down and find out

I wasn’t kidding about hunting that girl down. I just wanted to know if this chick was hotter than me. I’m turned off by guys who come to me wanting a “First Asian.” You can’t conquer the willing. However if it just so happens I am the first, well in my mind that’s a bonus notch in my belt. I think we also found out that Leo was my first Irish/German. I honestly can’t be too sure about that.

Happy birthday Leo.

Why I Stopped Talking to Leo for 8 Months

January 2006

Leo asked me to go to a party in the city with him. I had nothing going on so I said sure. I met up with Leo, his friends Gallagher, Jacques and Jacques’ Guatemalan girlfriend in Palos Hills. This is where Jacques lived. Leo and I had just started hanging out after a long hiatus, so it was really weird meeting his friends. I wasn’t sure if I would ever see them again, because I wasn’t sure myself if I was going to see Leo again. That’s when they broke the news to me that we were going to an Ethiopian party.

A what? We have those? Apparently so.

There was no going back. In the car it was revealed that Gallagher was a Kutcher House boy from Eastern Illinois University. Of course I got excited since I was very good friends with the Kutcher House boys at Northern Illinois. So we started chattering away about fraternity stuff. I think Leo got jealous that we weren’t talking about his fraternity, the Tiki House. You know how there’s always some slight rivalry between houses when it comes to girls, no matter how friendly the boys are with one another. This is when Leo admitted, “I didn’t want to tell you he was a Kutcher boy in case you got wet for him.”

We rolled in and I was with the only three white guys in the entire place, along with the only Guatemalan and myself being the only Asian. Slightly uncomfortable, but the Ethiopians were pretty friendly. Jacques and the Guatemalan took all these cute couple pictures and then they kept trying to make Leo and I take the same cute couple pictures. I said no. They thought I was like a girlfriend figure (I thought Leo had obviously not told them the full history about us) and I was nothing close to being that girlfriend figure.

He wasn’t paying attention to me towards the end of the night and some Ethiopian guy started dancing with me. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but Leo came over and moved me over to dance with him. This night is the only time Leo and I have ever danced together. Let me tell you, for a tall white guy, he’s got moves. I couldn’t wait to get back to Jacques’ apartment to put those moves to use.

I fell asleep next to Leo on the ride home. Gallagher was on the other side of him. Leo put his sport jacket over me in case I got cold. Or so I thought. I woke up to Leo’s hand underneath my skirt doing some exploration. Damn did it feel good! I quickly looked around the car to see if anyone else noticed. I hoped that I would be able to keep quiet if he got me off before we arrived at Jacques’ apartment.

When we got back, Jacques, the Guatemalan, and Gallagher went into their respective rooms. Leo and I got down to business, “I can’t believe you’re still wet!” Right before insertion we had one of those moments where Leo had to text Jacques for condoms. Come on really, do you have to let him know you’re going to bang me? He’s going to hear it in about 10 minutes anyway!

The next morning I was feeling sick. I threw my skirt back on and walked topless to the bathroom, hands over my boobs. You know, so I could be semi-decent in case someone came out. I started puking in the toilet. The room was even spinning. I managed to make it back to the mattress Leo and I had been sleeping on, not sure if I had woken him up. Bad Lynx, my puking had woken him. He asked me if I was okay, I said yes. He then asked if I was sure there wasn’t anything was wrong with me. No, nothing was wrong with me. Leo started rubbing my back and I fell asleep again.

Later that evening, when we were home, Leo was talking to me on AIM. He once again brought up the puking situation, asking if I was okay. And then he launched into this jackass rant.

Leo: “The kid is not mine. We just had sex last night and it takes 2 weeks for symptoms to show. You’re pregnant and you better not try to say that I’m the father.”
Lynx: “Are you fucking kidding me?? Pregnant?? I’m not pregnant!”
Leo: “You were puking this morning! I’m not going to throw my life away over a baby! It’s not mine!”
Lynx: “I was puking this morning because I had been drinking, fucking asshole!! Not because I’m pregnant!”
Leo: “What? Oh…so you’re really not pregnant?”
Lynx: “For the last time, I’m not fucking pregnant!”

I was so furious with him. Absolutely fucking livid that he would think I was one of those girls who would either throw someone else’s baby on him or that I would use a baby excuse to keep him. He let me calm down for 2 weeks. I was at Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum’s house that weekend when Leo texted me, saying I should come out to Palos Hills to hang out with him and Jacques.

Leo: “Are you coming?”
Lynx: “Is it worth it?”
Leo: “I dunno…is it?”
Lynx: “You’re not. I’m not going to see you. Good night”

It wouldn’t be until August 2006 that I would unleash my sexual fury on him again. 

69 oz

I was having dinner with K-Ho at the Fox and Hound. We stayed for drinks afterward, and I had a really nice buzz going on. I got up to go to the bathroom and when I came back, she revealed that she was texting someone she should not have been texting. Well instead of being mad and expressing my disappointment (which I would have done sober), I said, “Fuck it, I’m texting someone I shouldn’t be texting either then!”

I didn’t have a plan. It was a moment of weakness and I really shouldn’t have done it. So who did I text?

Leo.

Yes, Leo. Someone I haven’t seen for almost a year.

Text Conversation
Lynx: “I’m drunk and trying to prove a point with my girl who I’m in a girlmance with.”
Leo: “What’s the point?”

I wasn’t expecting him to respond, much less respond immediately. I blanked. I couldn’t think of anything witty to write. I couldn’t even think of anything to say that would tease him. I turned to K-Ho for help.

Lynx: “Fuck what do I say?”
K-Ho: “Think about it. You just drank 69 ounces of beer!”
Lynx: -texting to Leo- “I just drank 69 oz of beer. It’s gonna lead to naughty things!”

Leo never did respond to that text about naughty things. He apparently didn’t get the humor. This is probably why friends shouldn’t let friends drunk text.