Guys Night Out

April 2008

I somehow invited myself along on a night out with Ricky Rousse, Boomp, and Maldonado. They were hellbent on going drinking in Chicago and I couldn’t resist making sure they completed this goal. No girlfriends, no bitches, no worries. And of course, I was allowed to go because I’m like one of the guys. The guys were pretty pumped to be let off their leashes. If any of the ladies wanted to give them a hard time about it, I was ready with fighting words. You don’t question the Lynx and Guys Night Out. It should be a stipulation if not already a given.

Anyway, I was really excited to show the guys around Wrigleyville since they hadn’t been before. It was a Thursday night and I took them to Barleycorn, which is my favorite bar out that way. It was dead when we stepped in. Like DEAD. This was the emptiest I had ever seen Barleycorn, I had no idea what the hell was going on. There were like 3 other people drinking. I thought to myself, “Great, this is the last time I get to go anywhere with these guys in the city. I’m at the right place at the wrong time.” We came to drink and we did just that.  One of the guys went and got us all Irish Car Bombs, and I don’t remember what else we did. I got tired kind of early and talked them into going back home.

We crashed in Maldonado’s basement. Boomp and Rickey Rousse were getting hot and brovy (heavy but for bros) on the couch. They were lying down head to toe and were trying to jam their feet on the other person’s nuts. I think that’s a crazy way to show a bro some love, but what would I know about that? I got the loveseat to myself and at one point asked Maldonado to come over and cuddle. Ever the opportunist, he came right over and laid next to me but I didn’t cuddle. I just wanted someone next to me, I was thinking about things I shouldn’t have been.

When we woke up the next morning, Maldonado had moved to his bed. I was about to leave without saying a word when Ricky Rousse and Boomp asked me what I was doing.

Lynx: I’m leaving, I have to get to class.
Ricky Rousse: So you’re really going to do a walk of shame?
Lynx: What? What walk of shame? I didn’t get ass last night. I didn’t even fucking cuddle with Maldonado.
Boomp: Yeah but his mom and his little sisters don’t know that. What are they going to think when they see you with bed hair upstairs? His mom is going to hate you for exposing her daughters to the walk of shame!

I was horrified of that thought. I can’t corrupt little girls. That’s what boys are for! I asked Boomp and Ricky Rousse to walk me out, they refused. They thought it would be funny to subject me to trauma. So I did the only thing I could, I went and woke Maldonado up. I jumped on his bed and scared the shit out of him. The way Maldonado tells the story from when we got back to his place is actually quite hilarious to listen to.

Maldonado: I was trying to cuddle with Lynx on the love seat. I was caressing her left tit and I totally thought I was gonna get lucky. But you know what? Lynx, you wouldn’t even cuddle! Why would you ask someone to cuddle if you’re not going to do it?? 3 hours later I wake up to Lynx hovering over me, “I don’t want to do a walk of shame!” It’s not a walk of shame when we didn’t do anything!

He wound up walking me to the door which in hindsight I think was actually worse. His little sisters were probably thinking, “Who is this girl that Maldonado is saying goodbye to? Why did she sleep here? What did they do? Is this his new girlfriend? When can I have boys stay over?” And his mother was probably thinking, “This fucking slut, why did Maldonado bring her back here? She could have at least had the decency to wait to leave so my daughters don’t have to see her.” Believe me, this has scarred me for life. I never want to wake up from a night of partying again and have to face someone’s mother and little sisters.

The Rejection of Bernard

Summer 2008

It all started one evening at Diamond Jim’s. Mr. Wiggles and I were having some drinks and nachos. Bernard, an acquaintance to me but we shared mutual friends, came in and chatted with us. Bernard said he’d take me out on a date. I laughed at him. I really did. This happens a lot when guys ask me out and of course they take it the wrong way. However in this case, there was no chance in hell that I would ever date him. I didn’t need his pity or his hopeful sights set on me. When I told everyone else what happened, they also thought it would be strange for me and Bernard to be romantically involved. Mr. Wiggles asked me if I would at least sleep with the guy, to which I vehemently said no, Bernard was too skinny for my tastes and that I would break him.

Fast forward two months as summer was coming to a close. Lyle Harris and I went to Bandito’s to meet up with Maldonado for drinks. I get there and Bernard and his creepy older brother are there. Bernard comes up to me, I see that he’s already drunk and there’s this look in his eyes. Then he touched my arm, almost a caress that’s reserved for people who both like each other or for people who are intimate, and that’s when I looked over to Maldonado and telepathically said “What the fuck is this kid doing?” Bernard saw this and got offended that I would ruin this moment with a glance to Maldonado. I quickly dragged Lyle Harris to another area of the bar where we could talk privately about matters of the heart. Lyle kept receiving texts from Bernard while we were talking, “Where are you guys?” Lyle ignored the texts and we kept talking until Bernard sits down at our table and says, “I’ve been looking everywhere for you guys. What’s up?” We were no longer able to talk with Bernard there and I became  irritated.

And then the shit hit the fan.

Bernard: So how come we never hang out?
Lynx: Uh I’m busy.
Bernard: You never call me.
Lynx: Last time I checked the phone works both ways. I’ve tried calling you but you never do anything, so I stopped calling.
Bernard: Why won’t you go out with me? Why do you hate me?
Lynx: You really want to know why I won’t hang out with you?
Bernard: It’s because you hate me.
Lynx: I won’t hang out with you because you’re a FUCKING HORNBALL!

There. It was out. No beating around the bush. Bernard completely broke down after hearing that. Just sat at the table while Lyle and I went back to chatting about small stuff. Bernard wouldn’t look at either of us, didn’t say a word. He sat there and he sulked. Maldonado appeared at the table and noticed the sulking, “What’s wrong with this guy?” And then Bernard got up and left in a huff. I then told Maldonado what had transpired. Bernard came back to the table after 10 minutes,  and once again would not say a word to anyone. Lyle, Maldonado and I decided we wanted to leave to get Wendy’s munchies. However Maldonado had to give Bernard a ride home before we could do so.

Lyle rode in my car while Maldonado escorted Bernard’s drunk ass back. Bernard lives 2 houses away from Lyle, so we all came back to the same place. Maldonado came over to me and said, “All he could talk about in the car was how you called him a hornball. He’s pretty upset right now.”

Maldonado, Lyle and I piled into my car. And then for whatever reason, Bernard got into the back seat. No one had invited him. He didn’t say a word, wouldn’t look at at anyone. I looked at Maldonado who was sitting next to me, he had no clue what was happening. It wasn’t enough that I had called him out at Bandito’s? I didn’t want to be a further bitch, so I let Bernard stay in my car. I pretended he wasn’t there. When we got back home, Bernard said to me as he was getting out, “I’m sorry I ruined your night.” I bit my tongue but in my head I thought, “You didn’t ruin my night. You have to matter in order to do that, and you don’t mean anything to me.”

It would be another 6 months before I ever saw or heard from him again.

Now You See Him…

Earlier this month, Mr. Wiggles and I were having a quiet Friday evening at Houlihan’s when Maldonado came in. He was interning with a police department and he had just gotten done breaking up a high school party. Maldonado proceeded to tell us the most hilarious story in which he and the officer he was riding with, pulled over some kid. Super Troopers shenanigans ensued. The duo walked up to the car and pretended like Maldonado didn’t exist. 

Kid: “Who’s that guy?”
Officer: ”What guy?”
Maldonado: -silent, but menancing-
Kid: “The one standing next to me.”
Officer: “I don’t see anyone.”
Maldonado: -still silent-
Kid: “But he’s right next to me.”
Officer: “What are you talking about?”
Maldonado: -cracks his knuckles-
Kid: “I see him! He’s here!”
Officer: ”There’s no one here.”  -motions for Maldonado to duck- 
Maldonado: -hides behind the squat car-
Kid: -turns to look at Maldonado- “He was just here! Where did he go?”
Officer: -getting down to business-  ”Are you on any hallucinogens? Maybe that’s why you’re seeing people who aren’t here.”
Kid: -desperate- “I’m not on drugs! I know he was here!”

 

When I did a ride along a couple summers ago, I didn’t have much problems with getting the officer to agree to do the Meow Game (Super Troopers). However the problem we had was that no one was breaking the law at 2 in the afternoon.

Prelude to Hooters

I was bored and chatting to Maldonado one day on Facebook. 

Maldonado: “I need food.”

Lynx: “I need food as well! Is Mr. Wiggles working today?”

Maldonado: “Yeah he said he’s gonna call me when he gets off. And then I’m going to get food somewhere.”

Lynx: “He’s been itching for Hooters.”

Maldonado: ”He always is.”

Lynx: “If I had a dick, I don’t know what happened that I’m flacid everytime I think of that place.”

Maldonado: “Hahaha.”

 

I used to LOVE going to Hooters. Awesome wings and hot (usually) girls to look at, I was in heaven. I would cream myself just thinking about it. Hooters can make or break a date. Guys think I bring them there to pass a test. You know the one. Do I look at the other waitresses in front of her and not get laid, or do I pretend to hate the place so I can get laid? My test however was/is pretty simple. Is he okay with me looking at other girls? Is he high maintenance because he wants to be somewhere classy instead of Hooters? I also judge him on the type of girls he’s brought to Hooters. If he’s never brought a girl to Hooters, he gets booted. If his past girlfriends hated being at Hooters, he gets booted. I don’t think there’s any reason to my methodology. 

 

I haven’t eaten Hooters wings since the Superbowl. I also haven’t stepped inside a Hooters since January. I’ll share that story later. It has to do with a waitress. A really hot waitress who gave me her phone number. 

Boomp-Sauce Offspring

I went to celebrate Inauguration Day by drinking in Dekalb. In my head this was going to be a big party night, I had built it up, yeah we’re gonna booze for Obama! Yeah well this night turned out to be a lot more quieter than what I had envisioned in my head. Mr. Wiggles and Maldonado came with me to Boomp’s apartment. 

As we were arguing over what movie we were going to drink to, Mr. Wiggles starts asking Boomp about kids and offers him a piece of advice.

Mr. Wiggles: ”When are you mating?” 

Boomp: ”You mean procreating?”

Mr. Wiggles: ”Why don’t you put it in the right hole!”

Boomp: “Well Mr. Wiggles, I’ll tell Buttersauce to let you be the first to know when she’s pregnant. And then you can call me, ‘Boomp, I’ve got bad news, Buttersauce is pregnant, but it ain’t my kid!’ “

Nipples

Summer 2008

I was at the residence of Mr. Wiggles, along with Malnoto, we got back from drinking and were watching the movie Hitman. If you’ve seen the movie, you know what happens in this scene above: Olga Kurylenko (the new Quantum of Solace Bond Girl) gets naked and it’s hot as hell. And as it usually unfolds when the 3 of us are together and have been drinking, we got to talking about nipples. For some of you guys out there, this may be enlightening.

Maldonado: “Those are the darkest nipples I’ve ever seen.”
Lynx: “Let me guess, you’ve only seen pink ones?”
Maldonado: “I wasn’t aware that nipples came in colors.”
Lynx: “Figures.” -thinking Malnoto obviously has never seen Asian porn-
Maldonado: “What’s that supposed to mean? I’ve seen a lot of nipples.”
Lynx: -mutters something incoherent-
Mr. Wiggles: “You’ve only fucked white girls, that’s what she’s trying to say!”