That Deep Connection

July 2009

Mr. Wiggles and I once drank four pitchers between the two of us. We were at Bandito’s and he stole my phone at one point so he could send dirty texts to my other male friends. One in particular in Sacramento who had a huge cock. Anyway, as I was drunkenly yelling at him to give me back my phone, I happened to catch some dude’s eye. Despite making a mini-scene, the guy came over and introduced himself as Kasper. Well it wasn’t long before I was making out with him, something I haven’t done in front of my friends since the Picnic Table Incident. We exchanged numbers and the understanding was that boning would be going on. I also told him that I was leaving in three weeks and that he should know what he was getting himself into aka I’m perfect for JUST SEX.

Kasper texted and called me non-stop for the next two days. We hung out and he was extremely upset to learn that it was not love at first sight for me. Nor did I see a future for us. -cough- I’M MOVING -cough- On the third day, he was quiet. And then on the fourth day I received the following text.

Kasper: I don’t feel a deep connection with you. It’s not a good idea if we get involved. I think we can be friends.

I was shopping when I got this text. I literally burst out laughing in the dressing room. What the hell? Making it seem like I wanted a fucking relationship when I told him I was leaving?? Moving across the country? How the fuck does “I’m moving in three weeks” equate to “Oh she must be relationship material”??

German Cougar Loving

July 2009

I’d like to preface this by saying Bernard is known for hooking up with older women. It’s just what the man does.

Mr. Wiggles: Bernard is mad at Banditos. He met some 30 year old German chick there. According to Bernard she just moved to the states a couple years ago. She picked him up and was saying she was lonely and wanted company. He was about to go home with her, but right before they left she asked how old he was. He told her the truth [23 years old] and she said he was “too young” for her.

Lynx: So why the fuck did he say 23 in the first place? He can pass for 27, fucking dumbass. He deserves to not get laid!

The Rejection of Bernard

Summer 2008

It all started one evening at Diamond Jim’s. Mr. Wiggles and I were having some drinks and nachos. Bernard, an acquaintance to me but we shared mutual friends, came in and chatted with us. Bernard said he’d take me out on a date. I laughed at him. I really did. This happens a lot when guys ask me out and of course they take it the wrong way. However in this case, there was no chance in hell that I would ever date him. I didn’t need his pity or his hopeful sights set on me. When I told everyone else what happened, they also thought it would be strange for me and Bernard to be romantically involved. Mr. Wiggles asked me if I would at least sleep with the guy, to which I vehemently said no, Bernard was too skinny for my tastes and that I would break him.

Fast forward two months as summer was coming to a close. Lyle Harris and I went to Bandito’s to meet up with Maldonado for drinks. I get there and Bernard and his creepy older brother are there. Bernard comes up to me, I see that he’s already drunk and there’s this look in his eyes. Then he touched my arm, almost a caress that’s reserved for people who both like each other or for people who are intimate, and that’s when I looked over to Maldonado and telepathically said “What the fuck is this kid doing?” Bernard saw this and got offended that I would ruin this moment with a glance to Maldonado. I quickly dragged Lyle Harris to another area of the bar where we could talk privately about matters of the heart. Lyle kept receiving texts from Bernard while we were talking, “Where are you guys?” Lyle ignored the texts and we kept talking until Bernard sits down at our table and says, “I’ve been looking everywhere for you guys. What’s up?” We were no longer able to talk with Bernard there and I became  irritated.

And then the shit hit the fan.

Bernard: So how come we never hang out?
Lynx: Uh I’m busy.
Bernard: You never call me.
Lynx: Last time I checked the phone works both ways. I’ve tried calling you but you never do anything, so I stopped calling.
Bernard: Why won’t you go out with me? Why do you hate me?
Lynx: You really want to know why I won’t hang out with you?
Bernard: It’s because you hate me.
Lynx: I won’t hang out with you because you’re a FUCKING HORNBALL!

There. It was out. No beating around the bush. Bernard completely broke down after hearing that. Just sat at the table while Lyle and I went back to chatting about small stuff. Bernard wouldn’t look at either of us, didn’t say a word. He sat there and he sulked. Maldonado appeared at the table and noticed the sulking, “What’s wrong with this guy?” And then Bernard got up and left in a huff. I then told Maldonado what had transpired. Bernard came back to the table after 10 minutes,  and once again would not say a word to anyone. Lyle, Maldonado and I decided we wanted to leave to get Wendy’s munchies. However Maldonado had to give Bernard a ride home before we could do so.

Lyle rode in my car while Maldonado escorted Bernard’s drunk ass back. Bernard lives 2 houses away from Lyle, so we all came back to the same place. Maldonado came over to me and said, “All he could talk about in the car was how you called him a hornball. He’s pretty upset right now.”

Maldonado, Lyle and I piled into my car. And then for whatever reason, Bernard got into the back seat. No one had invited him. He didn’t say a word, wouldn’t look at at anyone. I looked at Maldonado who was sitting next to me, he had no clue what was happening. It wasn’t enough that I had called him out at Bandito’s? I didn’t want to be a further bitch, so I let Bernard stay in my car. I pretended he wasn’t there. When we got back home, Bernard said to me as he was getting out, “I’m sorry I ruined your night.” I bit my tongue but in my head I thought, “You didn’t ruin my night. You have to matter in order to do that, and you don’t mean anything to me.”

It would be another 6 months before I ever saw or heard from him again.

Now You See Him…

Earlier this month, Mr. Wiggles and I were having a quiet Friday evening at Houlihan’s when Maldonado came in. He was interning with a police department and he had just gotten done breaking up a high school party. Maldonado proceeded to tell us the most hilarious story in which he and the officer he was riding with, pulled over some kid. Super Troopers shenanigans ensued. The duo walked up to the car and pretended like Maldonado didn’t exist. 

Kid: “Who’s that guy?”
Officer: ”What guy?”
Maldonado: -silent, but menancing-
Kid: “The one standing next to me.”
Officer: “I don’t see anyone.”
Maldonado: -still silent-
Kid: “But he’s right next to me.”
Officer: “What are you talking about?”
Maldonado: -cracks his knuckles-
Kid: “I see him! He’s here!”
Officer: ”There’s no one here.”  -motions for Maldonado to duck- 
Maldonado: -hides behind the squat car-
Kid: -turns to look at Maldonado- “He was just here! Where did he go?”
Officer: -getting down to business-  ”Are you on any hallucinogens? Maybe that’s why you’re seeing people who aren’t here.”
Kid: -desperate- “I’m not on drugs! I know he was here!”

 

When I did a ride along a couple summers ago, I didn’t have much problems with getting the officer to agree to do the Meow Game (Super Troopers). However the problem we had was that no one was breaking the law at 2 in the afternoon.

5.5 Limp Dicks (Get It On)

Yesterday was Trap Bitch’s birthday. All the Hoosiers were over at JLo and E’s place grilling and playing Sink the Biz.  Unfortunately for me, E bought a case of Busch Light and I was drinking it. Surprisingly by number 3, it didn’t taste like shit anymore and I was disturbed by this fact. I wasn’t too social because of the Cubs vs. Cardinals game and the Sox vs. Rays game.  I don’t think they’ve ever seen a girl so dedicated to baseball for a day. The guys were filtering in and out, occasionally stopping to see what I was up to. The new Hoosier thing to say was, “Get it on!” They yelled that at each other, they yelled it at me, then they yelled at strangers walking by.

 

Hoosier 1: “GET IT ON!”
Hoosier 2: “Why aren’t you GETTING IT ON?!”
Hoosier 3: “Gotta get it on! No choice! GET IT ON!”

 

One of the times inside the apartment it was just myself, JLo and E. The conversation of fingering girls came up. E made a motion with his pointer finger and middle finger. I asked him, “You use those fingers to stick it in a vag?” He said yes and explained why a middle finger and ring finger sequence wasn’t very successful. For whatever reason I had always thought guys used the second sequence. They both thought I was dumb for thinking this, “How do you not know what a guy uses on you?” My only response was “Hey, I don’t question the pleasure I get!”

I texted Boomp, Mr. Wiggles, and Junior, “Survey, don’t ask. What fingers do you use to stick a vag?” for their opinions on the matter. Perhaps this wasn’t as universal as E and JLo were claiming. They all texted back the pointer finger and the middle finger. Or in Boomp’s case, “Maybe the ring finger gets involved if I’m feeling frisky.” The consensus also was that if three fingers could get in on the first attempt, the vag was way too loose. And it prolly had been tore up by a Black guy. That was not something they wanted to compete with. Or the girl was a complete slut.

Another time, E, JLo and Kreepster were in the room. I made a comment about how the average size was 5.5 inches for limp dicks. They looked at me like I was crazy.

 
Kreepster: “You are out of your league, you don’t know what you’re talking about!”
JLo: “That’s impossible, who are you fucking?”
E: “I don’t think those guys are limp when you get to them, Lynx. There’s no way.”
Lynx: “A dick can’t grow to be 10 inches if it’s only 5. Why do you keep saying that? It doesn’t have to be 10 inches!”
JLo: “If a dick is 5.5 inches, how big do you think it’s going to get?”
Lynx: “6 inches. Maybe 7.5 max.”
E: “You’re so wrong Lynx!”
Kreepster: ”I’ve seen limp dicks in the shower. No one ever had a 5.5 limp dick.”
JLo:  “A 5.5 inch limp dick does not get to be 7 inches. No guy is 5.5 inches when he’s limp. That’s too big for a limp dick! He would be over 10 inches! I eat pussy and still don’t know how it works, but I’ve been jerking off since 7 and I know this guy!”

 

I called up Bad-Ass and put him on speakerphone.

Lynx: “They’re telling me that there’s no such thing as a 5.5 inch limp dick. What are your thoughts?”
Bad-Ass: “That’s fucking ridiculous. You would have a 10 inch monster inside you!”
JLo: “See! Bad-Ass knows!”

 

Throughout this the rest of the Hoosiers shared their thoughts, which followed the lines of JLo, Kreepster, and E. Pimpin walked into the room and he asked to be caught up on the conversation. He wanted to know why we were talking about dicks. Once brought up to speed, he said, “You’re lucky if I’m 4 inches coming out of a warm shower.”

At the end of the night, E was leaning against me, ready to crash from all his drinking. He started talking about a girl he was seeing. When asked if any he’d gotten any P in the VaG, he said nonchalantly but with certainty,

E: ”She was on the rag before but I’m gonna fuck her next week.”
Lynx: “Get. It. On!”

Prelude to Hooters

I was bored and chatting to Maldonado one day on Facebook. 

Maldonado: “I need food.”

Lynx: “I need food as well! Is Mr. Wiggles working today?”

Maldonado: “Yeah he said he’s gonna call me when he gets off. And then I’m going to get food somewhere.”

Lynx: “He’s been itching for Hooters.”

Maldonado: ”He always is.”

Lynx: “If I had a dick, I don’t know what happened that I’m flacid everytime I think of that place.”

Maldonado: “Hahaha.”

 

I used to LOVE going to Hooters. Awesome wings and hot (usually) girls to look at, I was in heaven. I would cream myself just thinking about it. Hooters can make or break a date. Guys think I bring them there to pass a test. You know the one. Do I look at the other waitresses in front of her and not get laid, or do I pretend to hate the place so I can get laid? My test however was/is pretty simple. Is he okay with me looking at other girls? Is he high maintenance because he wants to be somewhere classy instead of Hooters? I also judge him on the type of girls he’s brought to Hooters. If he’s never brought a girl to Hooters, he gets booted. If his past girlfriends hated being at Hooters, he gets booted. I don’t think there’s any reason to my methodology. 

 

I haven’t eaten Hooters wings since the Superbowl. I also haven’t stepped inside a Hooters since January. I’ll share that story later. It has to do with a waitress. A really hot waitress who gave me her phone number. 

Boomp-Sauce Offspring

I went to celebrate Inauguration Day by drinking in Dekalb. In my head this was going to be a big party night, I had built it up, yeah we’re gonna booze for Obama! Yeah well this night turned out to be a lot more quieter than what I had envisioned in my head. Mr. Wiggles and Maldonado came with me to Boomp’s apartment. 

As we were arguing over what movie we were going to drink to, Mr. Wiggles starts asking Boomp about kids and offers him a piece of advice.

Mr. Wiggles: ”When are you mating?” 

Boomp: ”You mean procreating?”

Mr. Wiggles: ”Why don’t you put it in the right hole!”

Boomp: “Well Mr. Wiggles, I’ll tell Buttersauce to let you be the first to know when she’s pregnant. And then you can call me, ‘Boomp, I’ve got bad news, Buttersauce is pregnant, but it ain’t my kid!’ “