Tiki House Visit

August 2006

It was the beginning of move-in weekend at NIU. I was partying it up at the Kutcher House despite having just transferred to another school. I was standing outside talking to some of the Kutcher guys when I received a text from Jack, wanting to meet up later that night. He just started graduate school at NIU but his dumbass went home to Carol Stream for the weekend, while I went to Dekalb in hopes of running into him. Ironic. I moved quickly and texted Leo, I knew he was in town visiting his fraternity, the Tiki House.

Lynx: We should totally fuck tonight.
Leo: I’m in Dekalb, what about you?
Lynx: 4 houses down, with the Kutcher Boys.
Leo: Come on over, I’ll be on the third floor.

I met up with him and his best friend, Jean-Luc, in some brother’s room. Of course it was filled with girls. I sat next to Leo on the couch while Jean-Luc handed me beers. I was a little uncomfortable only because even though I had been to the Tiki House enough, they were not my friends and I still was a Kutcher girl. I  didn’t know these girls that kept putting their hands on Leo and telling him how hot he was. I found the whole thing entertaining. I remember thinking if I had cared about him at this point in time, I should have been jealous. But I didn’t give a damn. However I was growing impatient. I thought I was going to show up, have a beer, bone, and then get back to the Kutcher House. He was actually making me hang out with everyone.

When people began passing out, Leo tried finding a place for us to go. He graduated the previous spring and no longer lived at the house. We ran into a brother who was going to some skank’s apartment and said we could have his room. If I took the time to think about it, I could tell you how many months it had been since Leo and I saw each other last. We had just gotten reacquainted with each other through AIM a couple weeks earlier. I knew that Leo hadn’t had sex in 5 or 6 months due to a pregnancy scare with some other girl. He wanted to get back into the game and I was more than willing to help a “friend” out.

Leo tried to kiss me. Since he made me wait, I wasn’t in the mood for the usual moves that lead to sex. It was happening and it sure as hell didn’t need kissing to initiate it. I was drunk and climbed on top of him. We fucked a lot that night, it still holds my record, but I can’t remember if we started with clothes on or if it all came off later. I was wearing a skirt that night, so it’s possible I rode him with it on. The frat house doesn’t have air conditioning and the room we fucked in only had a ceiling fan which didn’t do us any good.

After having sex the third time (but not the last time), I lay on the futon, spent and satisfied. I was too tired to move away from Leo. On the verge of drifting to sleep, I heard someone at the door playing with the knob. It was locked so this drunk resourceful person successfully keyed the door (why did I never have this luck??). Leo and I were completely nude when the drunk person, a Tiki brother, walked in on us. He was pretty surprised at the sight of us. I didn’t try to cover myself, it was way too damn hot.

Tiki Brother: What the hell is going on here?
Leo: Umm…
Tiki Brother: Dude [room's owner] said I could crash here.
Leo: Yeah…I’m sorry man. As you can see the room’s a bit occupied. I owe you next time!

After he left we had sex again, and again, and again- well you get the point. I would have loved to tell you we fucked that many times without kissing once, and you can blame me for this one, but his face was way too close to mine so I just went for his mouth. And as I once told Boomp, “It didn’t mean anything!” It’s good that Leo was able to unleash on me. After I was dropped off at my car in the morning, Leo and Jean-Luc went paintballing. It was Leo’s first time and lucky him, he got shot in the dick. It was blue and black for a while.

Midgets and Lesbians

Last Thursday, I decided on a whim to get my drunk on and head to Dekalb. Apparently everyone was at Starbusters for midget wrestling. Unfortunately for me, I missed the midget wrestling but that’s okay. Some wee guys stuck around and were mingling with us tall folk. I met up with K-Ho and was brought up to speed on the night’s happenings. She told me that some girl was buying her drinks and that she suspected this girl was a lesbian. Well I saw this girl for myself and let me tell you this, there was no doubt in my mind that I was talking to a lesbian!

She was Asian and a little butch, but rocking some stylish cut up jeans with flippy floppys. What usually happens when I run into another White Wash Asian is that we say hi and then try to keep our distance from one another. I won’t go in the reasoning behind this, for now just accept that this is the way life is for my kind. However, this girl was all excited to meet me and began buying me numerous drinks. She started asking me what brand of Asian I was. I let her guess and she was not successful. She said she was Korean and I was like “Eh.” She said she was adopted and I was like “Eh.” I told her I was Canadian and then she started saying shit like “We Asians need to stick together!” As if I weren’t already uncomfortable, I slowly inched away with a fake smile on my face after she said that. No thank you, I’m quite fine on my own!

This lesbian then tried to separate me from K-Ho and company. She wanted me to join her outside for a smoke, so that we could have “bonding time.” I was tempted for a fraction of a second since I used to be a drunk social smoker but not so much anymore. I couldn’t resist asking if she had Camel Lights. I guess I wanted to know what I was missing out on, but she was carrying Marlboro Menthols so I wasn’t missing out on anything at all.

Knowing that Bad-Ass would get a kick out of the situation, I texted him.

Lynx: This lesbian is buying us shots
Bad-Ass: YEAH!!!!!!!
Lynx: Seriously she keeps trying to buy me drinks what do I do?
Bad-Ass: DO HER! IT’S ONLY FAIR! DO THIS ASIAN FOR ME, PLEASE!
Lynx: But she looks like a dyke
Bad-Ass: Lynx, you know how much I love you. You need to have hot kinky sex with this girl for me please!

There was no lipstick slutting for me that night, and there definitely wasn’t any hot kinky lesbian sex. I don’t have yellow fever and I certainly don’t like my females to run butch. I’m sure she was a very nice girl, but fumbling over her drunk self very much the way a nervous guy would when talking to me, didn’t help her case either.

Christine Dolce aka Forbidden (top)

Kutcher House Reunion

April 2008

I was in Dekalb for a Kutcher House reunion at Alfonso’s place. It was really good to see everyone together again. I wish I could remember more about this night, I do know Riley’s was the last place I drank before going back to Alfonso’s apartment.  April was a terrible month for me personally. I was a broken Lynx.  I tried to put my happy face on for the guys, but it just wasn’t working. I loved the guys but it was just too hard to be in Dekalb so soon after getting the news I received. 

Beer Muscles’ old roommate Arnold walked me back to Alfonso’s apartment. I poured my heart out to  Arnold and he was no help to me. So I called Alfonso’s girlfriend over since she was still up. She couldn’t help me either. Alfonso’s roommate was gone that weekend so Arnold put me to sleep in the empty room. I woke up hours later to drunk Bobby Blue breaking into the room to try and talk to me. He was one of the last people I wanted to see. I also knew that he was going to try and hook up with me.

 

Bobby Blue: “Why are you in here?”
Lynx: “I’m trying to sleep, obviously!”
Bobby Blue: “What’s wrong?”
Lynx: “Nothing is wrong! Just leave me alone!”
Bobby Blue: “Something is wrong! I would be a bad friend if I left you alone! Now tell me what’s wrong!”
Lynx: “I don’t want to talk to you about it, just fucking go, please. I don’t want you here.”
Bobby Blue: “See! Something’s wrong with you! I knew it!”
Lynx: “I will fucking rip your balls off if you do not get the fuck out of the room so I can sleep.”

 

He finally left when Arnold came to check up on me. I begged Arnold to stay in the room with me because I knew Bobby Blue would try to come back in. Sure enough, Bobby Blue broke in again. He just could not leave me alone. When he saw that Arnold was lying next to me, he assumed that we were trying to screw and immediately was like  ”Oh sorry man, didn’t know you were in here” and left. 

We woke  up to screaming and yelling a couple hours after that. The Cuban was very hurt (emotionally) and was bitching at the other guys. It was brotherhood type of shit. I had no idea what was going on since I left the bars early, but I was getting irritated because my sleep was being disturbed. Like seriously, I don’t remember  there being all this fucking drama when I hung out with them before.  Once again, I loved these guys, but they were acting like a bunch of girls. 

During the night/morning I was rolling around and knocked my phone off the lofted bed into some corner. I climbed over Arnold, trying not to wake him and then started climbing over boxes that were underneath the bed. Everything was fine until I got stuck. Yes. I got stuck underneath a lofted bed. I couldn’t move forward and I couldn’t move to the side. I just about started bawling my eyes out, I’d been through so much shit that week and here I was trapped under the fucking bed. Thank God that Arnold awoke and helped me out.

Reunionwise, I think it actually turned out to be a terrible one. I’ve done my best to avoid Bobby Blue since that night.

Crazy Bitch Neighbors, Part 2

September 2004

My neighbor Max, showed up stoned on my doorstep one night after the bars closed. He had been crushing on me since I moved in. Funny tidbit, I hooked up with another guy in his room before I ever met him. Max was out of town that weekend, and his roommate had some friends from Plainfield staying over. Well I took a fancy to one of those friends, and Max’s roommate walked in on me with the guy’s head between my legs.

So anyway, Max and I were talking in my room when all of a sudden we heard banging followed by, “STUPID BITCH! THAT’S MY BOYFRIEND! Get out here! Fucking Whore! She’s gonna screw my boyfriend!”

It was my townhouse door that some dumb bitch was banging on. I looked out my window and sure enough one of the A-Bitches was outside screaming her head off. I couldn’t believe it. I mind my own business and stay drama-free, but somehow dumb bitches keep flocking to me like porn stars love to deep throat. I don’t get it!

I was not entirely happy to have some bitch banging on my door, and even more unhappy that she was claiming Max was her boyfriend. I knew it wasn’t the truth, but seeing as how there was an elephant in the room, I had to address it.

Lynx: Is she your girlfriend?
Max: No.
Lynx: Then why is she saying that she is?
Max: I don’t know, she’s fucking crazy.
Lynx: Do you have a girlfriend I should know about?
Max: No. Do you have a boyfriend who’s going to beat my ass?
Lynx: -laughs- I don’t do boyfriends. You can kiss me now.

I guess I can look back on all of this and laugh about it. Some crazy bitch trying to sabotage me. My friends wonder why I have such a strong hatred of dumb bitches. It’s because of incidents like these: girls who are jealous that guys aspire for something more than a crazy bitch!

Brohemian Rhapsody

Okay I know this video came out in 2007, some of you may have already seen it, but coming across this today made me feel very nostalgic as I have been witness to events like these. Since they beat me to creating a visual of my college years in frat houses, here it is for your viewing pleasure!

Jager Induced Art

Fall 2005

I once posed nude for an art student.

The first time I showed up, I didn’t realize that he wanted me to be naked. He had assumed that I had done this before and knew what he meant by posing. The second time, I knew what was expected and I asked for Jager shots to get rid of my nerves. I also made him put Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on. Just to make him suffer a little bit.

After 3 shots I was feeling pretty nice and confident. I didn’t have a problem with being drunk and flashing people (at the time). I convinced myself that taking my clothes off for art was a better cause. Boys and girls, make a note that Jager made me get naked. Also note, this is why I stay away from Jager.

I did 3 or 4 poses for him. It never felt weird. His eyes didn’t ravage me and I couldn’t see a boner. He probably had a lot of girls come through and do this. We were pretty much silent, no small talk to make it awkward. The only time he spoke was when he was giving me directions, “Could you move your head slightly to the left?” or “Are you getting stiff? Do you want to move a bit?” He was pretty professional about the situation. I thought, “Hey this is cool, I could do it again.” That’s how comfortable he made me. Unfortunately I don’t have the pictures to post.

After he was done, I put my clothes back on and he joined me in watching the movie. I don’t know how it happened but one thing led to another. I was naked again and he was fucking me.

The guy was cute. He wasn’t much taller than me and he had dark, shaggy hair. He was Irish and Italian, but you would have mistaken him for just Italian except for the freckles all over his body. I barely remember the sex, he wasn’t that great. I’m not one to beat around the bush, so I asked him, “Is this what you wanted all along?” He said no and I let it go. We all know that this is probably what he had in mind when he asked me pose for him. I just wanted to see if he would admit it.

I woke up pretty early the next morning, around 6:30 am. I had transferred to a different school at this point and I had a midterm at 8 am. I puked in his bathroom before leaving, I was still a bit drunk. I got some McDonald’s breakfast (I love their sausage egg mcmuffins) to settle my stomach down, and I almost fell asleep in my car while driving a few times, but I did make it to my Culture and Diversity class on time. I was so tired that I fell asleep during this midterm. Who falls asleep during their midterm??

No shit, I snapped back awake in time to barely finish the exam. I’m lucky it was all essays and not multiple choice. I knew the material and decided to skip the Honors English effort that I usually put into my work for that class. I didn’t elaborate on my points, I used 4 sentences instead of 8 to make a paragraph, I used enough words to answer the question with no tangents and without being extraneous.

I wound up getting a B on the midterm. Pretty good considering that I got trashed on Jager and was sexing in the name of art.

How Not To Meet The Lynx’s Mom

September 2004

My sophomore year at NIU had just started and my mother was visiting the townhouse. To be honest, I hated when my parents showed up, they were always interfering with my drinking and party recovery. These activities were frowned upon by them, so like any typical college kid it was something I tried to hide.

My mother was cutting into me and Leela’s drinking time at the House of David and we were anxious for her to leave. Just when my mother was about to leave, there was a knock at at our back door. I answered it to see 3 House of David guys standing with 40s in their hands. Oh shit. They were wondering what was taking us so long. When they saw that my mother was there they came in to say hi to her.

I was flipping out in my head, “Oh my god they’ve got beer in their hands! She’s going to think all my friends are drunks and she’s going to hate them!”They were pretty drunk. Too fucking drunk to meet my mother. And yes, they did make asses of themselves in front of her.

Ando, in his drunkeness, thought we were Filipino and tried to speak Tagalog.

Ando: -speaking drunk Tagalog-
Mother of the Lynx: “What?”
Ando: -repeating drunk Tagalog-
Lynx: “Why are you talking in a foreign language?”
Ando: “You’re Filipino! You’re supposed to understand me! “

Young Russy kept trying to hug her and kiss her hand.

Lynx: “I think you need to get off my mom now.”
Young Russy: “Isn’t this what Asian people do? I’m trying to be nice!”

And Sharky kept blurting out, “She’s so hot. Lynx’s mom is so fucking hot!”

I was completely horrified. I kept hitting him to get him to shut up but he wouldn’t be quiet. Leela of course was more entertained by this than I was. We did a very unsuccessful job of trying to get the guys to leave our place. When my mother left, I yelled at the guys to never fucking do that again otherwise I would shove a 40 oz. up their asses.

The next day, I got a call from my mother.

Mother of the Lynx: “Those boys from yesterday, they stunk of alcohol. Are you sure they’re not doing drugs? I think you need to find new friends, they’re not good boys. And that one boy, he was a manslut* trying to touch me! “

* She was speaking in Asian and this is the best/closest translation for the actual word she used.