Like A Virgin Mary

One winter/spring break we were all in Scruffelhauser’s basement drinking. Scruffelhauser and I were talking about adult things like getting a ball and chain, starting a family, buying houses, etc. I think I told him that I wanted all those things but without the ball and chain, or that I didn’t want to do it in the order that everyone wanted me to do it in. Should I give birth to my own offspring? Should I adopt? And the answer is…

Lynx: I can have kids without sex.

Scruffelhauser: Lynx, you’re not the Virgin Mary!

Maria Florencia Onori; Mexican Playboy, Dec 2008

Hurricane Bitch

January 2009

Buttersauce, Jonathan Goldman and Ricky Rousse planned a surprise 23rd birthday party for Boomp.  Boomp was lured out to Chicago under the pretense they would be barhopping. Birthday boy was quite surprised indeed and never saw it coming. We were stocked up on hard liquor, in particular we had a huge bottle of Ciroc which Boomp and Ricky Rousse are really fond of.

So I started off with cranberry vodkas, unusual for me to do since I’m a beer drinker.  As the night wore on, more people showed up and more people got drunk. I had been a really good happy drunk I was jolly (yes Jolly) and stumbling over myself. I was a happy drunk until I discovered we were out of Ciroc. Upon making the switch to beer, apparently I bitched out Ricky Rousse and Jonathan Goldman. I don’t remember any of this but since I am one of the loudest (sometimes angry) drunks in the group, I’m not too surprised.

Buttersauce came up to me, wondering if pizzas should be ordered. I love to eat so there was no way I was going to tell her not to order them. I was in the kitchen when the Pizza man came. I got drunkenly excited and started waving to the guy, asking if he wanted beer. And then G-Spot ran over and held me in place to prevent me from actually going up to the  Pizza man. I got angry.

Lynx: “I have to give him beer! Let me go!”

G-Spot: “Hey it’s okay, Sloppy Shot already did it.”

Lynx: “That asshole tipped the Pizza man before me?”

G-Spot: “Yes he did, now calm down!”

Lynx: “NO! I’M SUPPOSED TO GIVE THE PIZZA MAN BEER! HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME??”

G-Spot let go of me and I stormed into the next room where Boomp, Ricky Rousse, Sloppy Shot and Scruffelhauser were in the middle of a beer pong game. Not giving a shit, I belligerently got in Sloppy Shot’s face and began yelling at him. He claimed not to know what I was talking about, I called bullshit and then I angrily poured the rest of my cranberry vodka into his cups of beer. I visibily saw that Scruffelhauser and Boomp were surprised and disgusted with what I did. In my drunken state I didn’t care. I seriously felt like I’d been disrespected by not being able to give the Pizza man beer.

I started walking back to the kitchen when I realized that I had been so angry, I forgot about the pizzas. I sniffed the kitchen and asked where the pizza was. Someone made a comment that G-Spot and Jonathan Goldman’s lady had taken it to his room. My ire once again was ablaze and I ran from the kitchen to Jonathan Goldman’s room screaming, “THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS!!! THEY’RE HIDING PIZZA FROM ME!!”

Right before I reached the room, G-Spot slammed the door shut and I began banging. I was about to try and hulk the door when it opened and I saw the two with cheese and pepperoni hanging from the side of their mouths. I wound up getting my share and everyone collectively decided that I had to be cut off for the rest of the night. I played nice for a while, biding my time before I could start drinking again. That opportunity arose when one of Sloppy Shot’s friends, Vick and his girlfriend,  showed up.

Sometimes I unconciously slip into a hostess role when my friends throw parties. This comes from my time spent in a frat house. I won’t get into the details, but when I see people come in not really knowing anyone or looking like they’re not having fun, I just have to give them beer. I went to the kitchen and was in the process of taking beer from the fridge when I heard,

Person: “What are you doing, Lynx?”

Lynx: “I’m getting beer for Vick and his lady friend…”

I grabbed one beer for Vick, then another beer for his lady friend. Then I grabbed a third one, “And this one’s for me, HA BITCHES!!” and took off running from the kitchen before they could take my beers away from me.   Lazer soon took me and G-Spot home after this. I don’t know if it was because he was genuinely partied out or if it was because they didn’t want me to get worked up again.

I was such a huge, raging bitch that G-Spot started calling me Hurricane Bitch this night.

Lynx Babies and Company

March 2008

It was the morning/day of G-Spot’s birthday party, and for the life of me I feel like we did something fun the night before but I can’t remember at the moment. Boomp, Scruffelhauser, Sloppy Shot, and I were doing Power Hour and then played other various drinking games. G-Spot came out of his room to see what we were doing.

Being that we were all there for G-Spot’s 22nd birthday, and I’m the oldest in our group of friends (well used to be the oldest until Lyle Harris started hanging out with us), I started thinking about the future. I don’t know if this was because the booze was brought out the serious Lynx in me or if it was because I was getting “older.” I’ve got a pretty awesome group of friends and for whatever reason, I was wondering what traits they would pass onto their kids. Will they be calling me Lynx, or Aunt Lynx, Auntie Lynx, or perhaps Lynxie? Will our kids surpass our awesomeness? Time will tell!

Lynx: “I can’t wait til we all have kids and they sit around playing drinking games.”
G-Spot: “I’m not letting my kids hang out with your kids, ‘Stay away from those Lynx boys.’ Because you know you’re having boys, Lynx. I don’t think you have any X chromosomes to give!”

Picnic Time: My Face

So today’s entry is about what took place last year at Honey’s 21st birthday celebration. My friends and I refer to this night as “The Infamous Picnic Table Incident.” We celebrated at Alumni, however, K-Ho and I managed to get Honey way too drunk the night before so Honey was drinking water.

I rode out with Boomp and Ricky Rousse. We stopped for gas when the boys decided that they were hungry and were going to run across the busy intersection to get McDonald’s. Never mind having had some drinks and cars are coming at you. That’s not dangerous at all! When they got back we made a pact: since we were arriving at Alumni together, we would also be good friends and leave together. I also told them that Langdon was possibly going to be there and that they should make sure that I keep away from him and/or not go home with him.

We made it to Alumni and upon entering the beer garden, we came across Butch and company. Sloppy Shot, Butch and Jeremy had a reunion and did a round of lunchboxes at the bar. Langdon was trying to chase me around the beer garden, buying me drinks and nachos. Langdon and I were standing around talking at one point and next thing I know, we’re making out. Now in all fairness, he started it. For whatever reason he then took me out to the grassy area, where there were picnic tables, far from everyone. He sat down, made me straddle him, and we continued making out hardcore. I thought I heard G-Spot yell, “HE’S GONNA GET HIS DICK WET!!” but G-Spot denies having said this. Scruffelhauser swung by to take a picture of us making out, that’s how awesome my friends are.

So we’re drunk and making out, totally oblivious to our surroundings. And that’s when the picnic table FLIPPED OVER!!

I was stunned. One minute we were making out and the next minute we were on the ground with the picnic table up in the air. We heard cheering and shouting. Everybody in that damn place whipped out their digital cameras and camera phones to take pictures of us. I was so drunk and embarrassed. I got up and left Langdon behind, but I can’t remember where I went. The making out didn’t end there. Oh no, we became that obnoxious couple sucking face at the bar.

Lazer, Boomp, multiple other friends, were having a field day with me and Langdon making out. They would take pictures of us and be the creepers in the background. You know the creepers I’m talking about. The guys giving the camera thumbs up or high-fiving each other.

Ricky Rousse: “So how do you guys know each other?”

Lynx: “This is how we know each other” -proceed to make out with Langdon-
Ricky Rousse: “Oh, okay…”  

At one point Langdon wanted to take me back to Butch’s. I knew what he would try to do if I went with him. We had hooked up the summer before and he was going to try to do it again. I told him that the only way it was going to happen was if he promised nothing would happen. He drunkenly promised and I went to tell some folks I was going to leave.

Ricky Rousse came up to me, “What are you doing? What happened to us leaving? I hope you don’t do something you’re going to regret.”

I like to think that I’m a person of my word and that I’m a loyal friend. Langdon was not the person I should be leaving with. Ricky Rousse, being the friend that he is, said he would drive me home instead. I went back to Langdon and told him that I changed my mind. I would be going home with Ricky Rousse. Langdon was angry at being cockblocked.

Langdon: “Are you going to let your friends tell you what to do?”
Lynx: “You won’t understand, I’m sorry…just give me a call tomorrow, okay?”

He went back to his table to go sulk. He couldn’t even look at me when I said goodbye. I didn’t know this at the time, but Butch told me a couple days later that Slim and Tad made a bet that night on who would take me home. Slim thought Langdon would be triumphant, after all that hardcore making out, how could Langdon go back empty handed? Tad thought Ricky Rousse would be the one to take me home, and he was right.

Boomp, Ricky Rousse and I left. I went into drunk hysterics while in the car and Sloppy Shot had to come out and calm me down. Unfortunately we had bigger problems on the way home. That problem was a road block teeming with police. I’ll spare you the details, but Ricky Rousse almost got a DUI that night.

Ricky Rousse: “Officer, I’m the designated driver. I only had a few drinks.”
Officer: “If you were the designated driver, you shouldn’t be drinking at all.”

Out of our friends, we were not the only ones who got stuck in this predicament. I did feel guilty, because it was my fault that we were in this situation. I would have felt worse if Ricky Rousse had gotten a DUI. Lucky for us, we did make it home that night. But for future reference, never tell an officer that you’re the designated driver and that you’ve been drinking!

The 19th Hole

March 2006

One night during Scruffelhauser’s spring break, we were drinking at the Tweedles’ residence. Don’t remember how, but I got a hold of their mom’s fur coat and fox hat. I was drunkenly parading around in it, pretending I was Inuit or something. I locked myself in the bathroom and tried to take some risque pictures. As I was busy doing that, the guys found some turkey feathers lying around (the Tweedles come from a hunting family) and stuck them in their hats to form the elite Turkey Club. They started going buck wild and slamming vodka shots. After hitting my peak with the fur coat, I passed out on the couch. Of course, all the good shit happens when I pass out!

The guys were getting antsy but were too drunk to drive, so they enlisted the help of their neighbor friend Brick. Their goal was to find a golf course. The guys took off, leaving me alone in the Tweedle house. I was in so deep of a sleep I didn’t know they left. When they got back they continued drinking and were so loud they woke me up.

The Tweedles have a favorite past time in which they go to golf courses and shit in the holes. They had just gotten back from a certain golf course (The Tweedles have a blood feud with the owner) and they shat in the 19th hole. Well tried to. Tweedle Dee was successful. Scruffelhauser also managed to drop one off, however in his carelessness his own shit got on his hands. How you manage that one, I don’t know! Tweedle Dum attempted to shit, but had performance anxiety and couldn’t do it. Now that I think about it, Brick may have also shit in that damn hole. They’re classy guys, what can I say?

Angry + Horny Lynx

Circa 2006

I came across this account of me talking to Jack about something I did to make a friend angry. I’ll be honest when I say I don’t remember whose apartment I was at. What I do know is that I was with the Kutcher boys, and I was in a particularly bitter mood. Probably had something to do with girls. I don’t even remember who I went to go see.

Lynx talking to Jack

Haha I was at my friend’s apartment once and I was on my way out to meet up with someone. My friend Remington realized that I was leaving their awesome company and he started throwing a hissy fit. Remington asks, “Where are you going? Why are you leaving? Why aren’t you staying? I want you to stay and drink with us!”

I was like, “Oh I’m going to see this guy. And then I’m going to fuck him. You know why? Because that’s how Kutcher House rolls. You put hoes before everyone else, so now I’m putting dick before you! That’s how I roll!!” and then I walked out the door.

No one ever tried to stop me again. As Scruffelhauser once put it, “You don’t want to get in Lynx’s way when she wants to get laid.”

Cockblocking in Champaign

January 2007

Players: Me, Butch, his buddy Jeremy, G-Spot, Sloppy Shot, Honey, and Scruffelhauser.

I was in Champaign visiting G-Spot and Sloppy Shot. Our friends were there for party support. Butch may deny this today, but he really fancied my friend Honey and was not going to make this trip unless I somehow was able to get her on board. I accomplished this great feat. His buddy Jeremy was a little lonely and needed to meet new pussy, and since Butch would have been the oldest guy there Butch needed old wrinkly balls support from Jeremy.

For the record, may I say that I love Champaign. Frat boys flow like rivers of wine there. Not to mention it’s the only campus I’ve ever been to where the guys run with their shirts off!

A lot was going on this night. Butch was trying to get on Honey’s good side. And when Butch wasn’t trying to get on Honey’s good side, he and Jeremy were busy getting Sloppy Shot drunk as fuck. They’re nice kinda country or small town boys. They introduced Sloppy Shot to lunchboxes- a concoction of beer, orange juice, and Amaretto. Sounds disgusting, I know, but it’s actually pretty good. Sloppy Shot has never been the same since.

We started out at a bar called Murphy’s. I honestly don’t remember being there that night. Then we moved to a place called Joe’s. They had a slut box with poles with bitches who couldn’t dance. I try to restrain myself when it comes to a situation like this. You’ve seen them. You know what I’m talking about. Girls who don’t know what a beat is, yet they think they can dance anyway. Hey what you do in front of your bathroom mirror is your own business. When it comes to slut boxes and poles, leave it to me and my girls. I didn’t want to have to make you all look bad. Honey helped me though!

While me and Honey were shaking our sweet asses, I was not aware of this going on until we got back to the apartment, but G-Spot was trying to help a sister out and throw some guys at me.

He went up to a random guy and he said, “Go dance with my friend (me).”

Apparently the guy looked at me and was like “No, no, dude no.”

G-Spot even lied and was like “Dude, man she’s been talking about you all night, go dance with her!”

The guy was not expecting this juicy piece of news. “Really? Dude she’s hot, she really is, but I can’t dance!”

So much for matchmaking. What’s the lesson here? There is no match for my ass shaking skills!

After a couple hours of slut box dancing, Butch trying to hit on Honey, and me trying to keep random guys from dancing with me, there came a point where I happen to be next to Sloppy Shot and he was so drunk that he couldn’t even stand. I said something to the effect of “You’re cut off,” which really angered him. He decided to curse at me and tell me he wasn’t that drunk, which is when he fell over. Yes, that’s right, Sloppy Shot was so fucking drunk he fell over standing. No one pushed him. He was standing normal one second, and the next second he was on the floor. Sloppy Shot is one of the nicest guys I know. So for him to tell me to fuck off, was shocking to say the least! Well at that point, Scruffelhauser, G-Spot and I thought perhaps it was best to take Sloppy Shot home. Problem was when we got outside, Sloppy Shot screamed some more “Fuck You’s” and then took off angrily running to God knows where.

There was a guy I knew who also happened to be visiting Champaign this night. His name is Jack, and we have hooked up before. My friends were not big fans of him. We had been exchanging drunken texts the entire night. He was at a bar called the Station, which was literally right across the street. We left the bar at separate times and he was trying to get me to come by his brother’s fraternity house. G-Spot and Scruffelhauser quickly nipped that in the bud. They disliked this guy enough to deprive me of sex.

Neither Jack or I knew our way around Champaign. G-Spot wouldn’t give me directions. It was useless to ask Sloppy Shot who had made it back to the apartment, because he was incapacitated. In fact puking all over his sheets so Honey had to sleep in G-Spot’s room. G-Spot and Scruffelhauser were not about to let me leave the apartment, and even if Jack were to get directions from his brother to where we were at, G-Spot and Scruffelhauser would not let him in. So what was a drunk and horny girl to do?

She finally gave up and went to bed. UNSATISFIED. Because her friends would not take pity upon her vagina.