Halloween as a Pussycat Doll

Okay so this is really about Halloween 2004, but to preface this I have to sort of explain Halloween 2003.

I had just started hanging out with my future roommate Leela. For my costume I was a Pussycat Doll before they were cool and only a burlesque show. House of David and the Gentleman House were throwing a joint party and my BFFs at the time, Simba and Young Russy (House of David pledges) had to wear man-thongs, and only man-thongs, as their costume. Strangely enough, they got hit on by many girls this night. I got separated from Leela and wound up starting an apartment party across the street from the Jock House. Leela would be all by herself when she witnessed the guy she was seeing (House of David), make out with another girl in front of her and she ended her relationship with him after that. Once I was done with the apartment party, me and some girls went to crash the Tiki House who was having a mixer with a sorority. I barely remembered passing by a guy in a Duff Man costume. I would learn months down the line that this was Leo. 

October 2004

We were back at the Gentlemen House. I was a Pussycat Doll again because I loved it so much. I was one of the few original costumes at parties and no one really had the balls to wear the outfit. Leela wore the same exact costume both years, her booty short panties and a tank top. She was an “underwear model.” Anyway I was lust-struck and kinda followed Scooby Douche around since it was his fraternity. His bitch neighbors tried to infere with us again. I got separated from Lauren. She was seeing our neighbor who happened to be a Gentleman Alum and just like the year before, she would watch this guy also make out with another chick in front of her face. Since she obviously was upset, I thought that it would be best to leave.

When I pulled her outside to make the 6 building walk to our townhouse, I realized I had to puke. I went off to the bushes with Leela holding my hair back. This actually was the highlight of my night because as I was dryheaving, some drunk guy who had been pissing by us, came up to me and said, “You know, you’re a really good dancer!” All I could say was, “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m puking, get the fuck outta here!”

I probably should have asked him out on a date. It’s not often that a guy compliments a girl while she’s vomiting in the grass outside a fraternity house in her panties.

The Virgin

September 2003

As a college freshman, I squandered my first semester for hooking up. I only slept with 2 guys. Yes. The truth is out there. Only 2! I found myself with a boyfriend mid-December and I was with him for the next 8 months. But this entry isn’t about that loser. There was a guy on Simba’s dorm floor who I thought was really cute. One crazy night I drunkenly stumbled into his room and we started messing around.

He was totally playing with my boobs and we were making out, I was getting in the zone. And then he brought about his downfall.

Guy: “How many guys have you been with?”
Lynx: “I’ve been with 3. How many girls have you been with?”
Guy: “I haven’t been with any.”
Lynx: “Wait what? You’re a virgin!”

Guys may build their egos on how many virgins they claim, but I don’t see the appeal of virgins at all. My “ready to sex” mode was quickly shut off. I felt like I had been lied to. I never pick out virgins. I don’t want them! I didn’t want anything to do with this guy, so I put my shirt back on and buttoned up my pants. Knowing me, you probably won’t believe what I said next.

Lynx: “I don’t think we should do this. You shouldn’t do it with a random girl for your first time. It really should be with someone you care about.”

He didn’t try to talk me into fucking him after that. The situation didn’t need to be more awkward than it was. I was turning down sex with a really cute guy. Was I crazy? Well a couple nights later, I once again, drunk as fuck, walked into his room.

Lynx: “So, I’m willing to overlook what I said the other night if you are.”
Guy: “I thought about it and you were right. I really should wait for someone special, I’m sorry.”
Lynx: “Wow, I’m glad I was able to influence someone. That sucks for me, but I’m happy for you!”

I still run into him at the bars in Dekalb. We don’t talk to each other and who knows if he really remembers me. He lost his virginity at some point during our freshman year. I always wondered if it was another random drunk girl or if it was really a girl who meant something to him.

This was the only time I almost fucked a virgin. This is also the only time a virgin has shot me down.

Scooby Douche

Fall 2004

Scooby Douche was a guy I mooned over for a semester. We hooked up a few times, he was the most gorgeous guy I had ever seen. He had awesome shaggy hair, cherub angel lips, and these amazing blue-green eyes. He was from the Gentlemen House which upped my desire for him. Upon finding out about a “Conquer List” that my roommate and I had, I liked him enough to tell him that he was not a “conquest” to me. He did knock out two categories for me, but I relinquished my notches of “Shaggy Hair” and “Gentlemen House.” Scooby Douche is the reason why I stopped giving guys the benefit of a doubt. He would go on to be an Abercrombie & Fitch model. Or so I was told.

There was a slight incident when me and my roommate Leela were at his townhouse. His roommates were throwing a party so a lot of their fraternity brothers and random people were there. Scooby Douche and I were having a fall out. I was trying to talk to him and his crazy bitch ass neighbor was all over his nuts. Leela and I called this crazy bitch neighbor, Pinnochio, because she had a huge Gonzo nose and she was ugly as shit. Scooby Douche didn’t even want her!

I felt like I was in enemy territory. A few weeks before I had gone through some shit with another female neighbor of his, who was jealous of me. And now this slut was throwing herself at him. These girls did not want Scooby Douche and I to be alone together. He finally managed to pull me out to the back porch, so we could talk without Gonzo noses distracting us.

At the same time, Leela was bitching at one of Scooby Douche’s roommates, Marino. They were friends, and it was through them that Scooby Douche and I met in the first place. Marino had been in love with Leela and when she rejected him, he found himself a substitute. We didn’t like the girl, because she was a dirty slut. We also knew that she was cheating on him with another frat boy: our friend Simba, from the House of David.

Leela: “Who the hell is that slut? Why is she all over Scooby Douche’s cock? Is he fucking playing my girl?”

When Marino didn’t give her any good answers, she threw it in his face that his slut girlfriend was hooking up with Simba. She came to find me. We left and when we got home, she wrote a lovely poem to cheer me up.

Leela’s poem:

There once was a boy,
Kind of looked like part of the Scooby Crew
Was part of the team until he realized
There were no Asian girls in it to screw,
Once he noticed that his right hand
Just couldn’t give him the big “O,”
He was attacked by his neighbor
Who closely resembles Pinnochio.
Disgusted and appalled, he looked to
His roommate to cockblock
But the roomie was pissed cause his girl was
Sucking a House of David boy’s cock.

Dante: Tiki House Sweetheart

Fall 2004

Simba and I were smoking up when Dante came into the room. Within the House of David I had 2 smoking circles that I ran with. Simba and Dante were in the first one, which was the more urban ghetto group. We used Philly blunts, they would do freestyle rapping, and we always ordered beer nuggets. The second group was made up of the stereotypical potheads who loved using glass (pipes, hitters, bongs) to smoke, listened to Sublime every time they smoked up, and we’d drive out to Rockford so we could fulfill our munchies at the Old Country Buffet. 

We hadn’t seen Dante in a while. The three of us and 2 others had formed a really tight smoking circle the previous year, and it looked like Dante was spending more and more time away from us. Where would Dante go? Well he actually spent a significant amount of time at another fraternity house- Tiki House. Dante was a DJ and when he wasn’t spinning for House of David parties, he was usually at Tiki House, gracing the rednecks (I jokingly use this term) with his presence.

So here was Dante in the room with us. Before he could leave and be missing in action for a week or two, Simba chose to call Dante out.

I’m going to give you some information you’ll need to know in order to understand the following insult. For those of you who don’t understand the world of fraternities, when they do composites, they vote on a female to be “House Sweetheart.” This is usually someone’s girlfriend or a really good girl friend of the house.

Simba: “Dante, you are the Tiki House Sweetheart. Man, you joined the wrong fraternity. Can I smoke witchu? Just once? Every time I wanna smoke witchu you’re smoking wit them. Can I get in on that?? I could be the first Black Tiki! I wanna be a Tiki, I want to have bonfires in front of my house. You’re always Tiki this, Tiki that, man next thing you know you’re gonna be on the damn Tiki composite. Dante ——, Tiki House Sweetheart. The Tiki House Bitch. Man put all your hoes together and it still doesn’t equal one-tenth of black in you.”

I, of course, was stoned and laughing my ass off during this.

Movie Watching with Simba

Fall 2005

One evening Leela and I were sitting around our townhouse and Simba came over to hang out. Leela and I were discussing some guys who had come over to “watch movies” aka we totally hooked up with them. And then Simba had an epiphany, it seemed a little too odd and too coincidental that many girls had asked him to also “watch movies” and no movie watching had ever really happened between him and these girls. So he asked us about it, when we ask guys to hang out and watch a movie, is that really our intent? Or do we have an agenda that doesn’t really involve watching movies. We told him that of course we had another motive for watching movies with guys and that obviously was to sex them!

Now Simba was a HUGE player. He had multiple girls running around, crazy about his nuts. He was like the Pick-Up Artist if you will. One of the many that we knew. He played all these girls, thinking he was the man and that girls were too stupid to ever use him, the way that he used them. Well, me and Leela got him to thinking about this. Perhaps, he had been played all along…and here was his reaction:

You girls are wild. You girls be on some shit. Man, I knew it! Man, I thought it was just me! “Come over for this, come over for that,” I ain’t neva done what they told me to come over for. Why can’t you jus’ say it??? Man this one bitch text’d me when I was sitting right next to her! Why is it when a nigga be looking for it he don’t find none, and when he jus’ wants to play video games or even jus’ scratch his balls you gotta go looking for him?? Man, when you jus wanna relax and shit that’s when you get 12 phone calls, 50 texts, people dropping by that you don’t even think about! Y’all be on some slick shit, man you girls be plottin’. Guys don’t have time for that.

Needless to say, Leela and I continued to do the “watch a movie” thing. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it!

Century Club + Butter

August/September 2004

I was at the House of David (frat house) doing Century Club with my buddies. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s like a power hour. You drink a shot of beer, on the minute, every minute until an hour has passed. In the case of century club, you drink for 100 minutes. If that sounds appealing, I highly recommend this. It’s a really good way to get fucked up.

I was pretty far gone at 70 shots into Century Club. Belligerently so. One minute I’m doing shots and the next minute two guys, my friends Simba and Dante, have to literally carry me back to my place because my legs won’t function. Luckily for them I was their backyard neighbor and we only had 30 steps to go. They took me upstairs to my bathroom because I needed to puke. And as I’m puking I start crying my drunk little eyes out.

Simba: “Lynx, why you cryin’ girl?”
Lynx: “I don’t want you to see me puking! Get out of my bathroom!!”

Simba asked me if I wanted something to eat to soak up the alcohol. I was too busy crying to answer. So he told Dante to go make some toast.

Lynx: “Go away!!”

Simba: “I ain’t leavin’ your ass, we been through too much for me to leave now. Remember when I was naked in the shower and you washed my back because I had Sharpie all over me?”

 

Dante comes back and they work together to get me to eat. Dante is holding me up on the floor and Simba is trying to feed me toast.

Lynx: “Why is there no butter on my toast?”
Dante: “Oh hell naw, why you wild’n out?”
Lynx: “I WANT FUCKING BUTTER ON MY TOAST!!! I want it! I want butter…on my toast…”-blaaagh-
Dante: “You’re lucky I even got you toast! You think I’m getting laid for this shit? I ain’t your boyfriend!”

 

I told them to leave me on the floor, which they did. Only to have my roommate trip over me when she got back from the house.