Picnic Time: My Face

So today’s entry is about what took place last year at Honey’s 21st birthday celebration. My friends and I refer to this night as “The Infamous Picnic Table Incident.” We celebrated at Alumni, however, K-Ho and I managed to get Honey way too drunk the night before so Honey was drinking water.

I rode out with Boomp and Ricky Rousse. We stopped for gas when the boys decided that they were hungry and were going to run across the busy intersection to get McDonald’s. Never mind having had some drinks and cars are coming at you. That’s not dangerous at all! When they got back we made a pact: since we were arriving at Alumni together, we would also be good friends and leave together. I also told them that Langdon was possibly going to be there and that they should make sure that I keep away from him and/or not go home with him.

We made it to Alumni and upon entering the beer garden, we came across Butch and company. Sloppy Shot, Butch and Jeremy had a reunion and did a round of lunchboxes at the bar. Langdon was trying to chase me around the beer garden, buying me drinks and nachos. Langdon and I were standing around talking at one point and next thing I know, we’re making out. Now in all fairness, he started it. For whatever reason he then took me out to the grassy area, where there were picnic tables, far from everyone. He sat down, made me straddle him, and we continued making out hardcore. I thought I heard G-Spot yell, “HE’S GONNA GET HIS DICK WET!!” but G-Spot denies having said this. Scruffelhauser swung by to take a picture of us making out, that’s how awesome my friends are.

So we’re drunk and making out, totally oblivious to our surroundings. And that’s when the picnic table FLIPPED OVER!!

I was stunned. One minute we were making out and the next minute we were on the ground with the picnic table up in the air. We heard cheering and shouting. Everybody in that damn place whipped out their digital cameras and camera phones to take pictures of us. I was so drunk and embarrassed. I got up and left Langdon behind, but I can’t remember where I went. The making out didn’t end there. Oh no, we became that obnoxious couple sucking face at the bar.

Lazer, Boomp, multiple other friends, were having a field day with me and Langdon making out. They would take pictures of us and be the creepers in the background. You know the creepers I’m talking about. The guys giving the camera thumbs up or high-fiving each other.

Ricky Rousse: “So how do you guys know each other?”

Lynx: “This is how we know each other” -proceed to make out with Langdon-
Ricky Rousse: “Oh, okay…”  

At one point Langdon wanted to take me back to Butch’s. I knew what he would try to do if I went with him. We had hooked up the summer before and he was going to try to do it again. I told him that the only way it was going to happen was if he promised nothing would happen. He drunkenly promised and I went to tell some folks I was going to leave.

Ricky Rousse came up to me, “What are you doing? What happened to us leaving? I hope you don’t do something you’re going to regret.”

I like to think that I’m a person of my word and that I’m a loyal friend. Langdon was not the person I should be leaving with. Ricky Rousse, being the friend that he is, said he would drive me home instead. I went back to Langdon and told him that I changed my mind. I would be going home with Ricky Rousse. Langdon was angry at being cockblocked.

Langdon: “Are you going to let your friends tell you what to do?”
Lynx: “You won’t understand, I’m sorry…just give me a call tomorrow, okay?”

He went back to his table to go sulk. He couldn’t even look at me when I said goodbye. I didn’t know this at the time, but Butch told me a couple days later that Slim and Tad made a bet that night on who would take me home. Slim thought Langdon would be triumphant, after all that hardcore making out, how could Langdon go back empty handed? Tad thought Ricky Rousse would be the one to take me home, and he was right.

Boomp, Ricky Rousse and I left. I went into drunk hysterics while in the car and Sloppy Shot had to come out and calm me down. Unfortunately we had bigger problems on the way home. That problem was a road block teeming with police. I’ll spare you the details, but Ricky Rousse almost got a DUI that night.

Ricky Rousse: “Officer, I’m the designated driver. I only had a few drinks.”
Officer: “If you were the designated driver, you shouldn’t be drinking at all.”

Out of our friends, we were not the only ones who got stuck in this predicament. I did feel guilty, because it was my fault that we were in this situation. I would have felt worse if Ricky Rousse had gotten a DUI. Lucky for us, we did make it home that night. But for future reference, never tell an officer that you’re the designated driver and that you’ve been drinking!

Something For The Hunnies

Langdon, Slim, their buddy Colt, and I were drinking at the Barleycorn in Schaumburg. Colt was kind of hoping to meet some ladies but after I ordered us a huge ass plate of nachos, he was sidetracked by trying to help me eat them all. He never got to meet girls that night. Slim on the other hand, his girlfriend was mad at him and his way of dealing with it was to see if he still had game. He went off to hit on some girls.

It all started because I love the show the Pick-Up Artist. He wasn’t a big fan and thinks Mystery is a major douchebag. Slim thought he could do a better job of picking girls up and schooling other fellows, “They have that shit premeditated and scripted. What happens when a girl turns you down? Your plan is ruined and you don’t know how to work it. You have to be spontaneous! That’s going to get the girls!”

There was a 3 set with 2 girls and a guy. Slim wanted to ruin the guy’s chances of getting with either girl. He tried going after the hotter of the 2 girls but got rejected.

Slim: “Hey how do you feel about Montell Jordan?”
Random Girl: “Oh my God, who doesn’t love Michael Jordan?”
Slim: “Uh…no, Montell Jordan.”
Random Girl: “There’s a Montell Jordan? Does he play basketball too?”
Slim: “Ah geez…I gotta go, my friends are doing Jager bombs.”

Another target
Slim: “Hey, how do you feel about Montell Jordan?”
Other Random Girl: “The talk show was okay. Why?”
Slim: “Dumb bitch, no! Not Montell Williams! MONTELL JORDAN!”

Okay he didn’t call her a dumb bitch to her face. But he did say it to us when he was shot down again.

And Another
Slim: “Hey how do you feel about Montell Jordan?”
Another Random Girl: “Ahhh! I love Montell Jordan!!”

They spoke for a good 15 minutes and then she ran off to go talk to her friends. 10 minutes later she came back up to us and said that her boyfriend wanted to meet Slim. We were all thinking the guy was going to kick Slim’s ass for talking to his girlfriend, but it turns out her boyfriend was a huge Montell Jordan fan as well. I could not believe it. I was never a big Montell Jordan fan and I thought Slim would fall on his face.

Slim: “I am so awesome with my Montell Jordan lines that some chick actually brought me over to meet her boyfriend so he could know how awesome I was!”

Future Pick-Up Artists, I wouldn’t recommend using Montell Jordan as a line. This night with Slim’s experiment clearly was not a success. As we were leaving the bar, Slim walked up to a pair of cougars he had been hitting on earlier.

Slim: “I have to tell you the truth, I have a girlfriend. I love her very much and it was wrong of me to start a conversation with you. I know we both love Montell Jordan but nothing can ever happen between us.”

Tiffany (Jealousy Gets the Best of Me Again)

I was out with Langdon and some of his buddies at a hotel bar in Bloomingdale. His friend Kilometre really digs some chicks that work there. One minute I’m talking to Tad (one of Langdon’s roommates) and then I look over to Langdon who at that moment is being handed a piece of folded up napkin from some random girl.

Langdon opens this napkin up and it says “Tiffany — — —-” Then he put the napkin in his pocket and I had a “What the fuck” moment in my head. I’m pretty drunk at this point, drunk off warm Miller Lite drafts and the bartender’s drink, “Kalene’s Special.” I surprised even myself by how jealous I was to see this, but once the Green-eyed beast was out there was nothing I could do until it went back in its cage.

Lynx: “What are you doing?”
Langdon: “What?”
Lynx: “I saw that!”
Langdon: “I don’t know what her deal is, I haven’t even talked to her.”
Lynx: “Uhh why did you stick it in your pocket? Why didn’t you throw it away?”
Langdon: “Was I supposed to be rude and do that in front of her?”

He took the napkin back out and tossed it to me. I then threw it back at him and said, “Whatever. I can sleep on the couch.” And then turned away to do some angry texting. Langdon tried to stop me so that I could give him my full attention to talk about what happened, I angrily pulled away from him and stalked off to do my texting in the bathroom.

When I got back to the bar area, Langdon had already told the guys (Slim, Kilometre, and Tad) what was going on. Tad took it upon himself to smooth the situation over by placing himself next to this Tiffany girl, and I imagine told her all about how Langdon and I were together. Langdon was trying to talk to me, to see if I was mad at him for something he didn’t do, “Why do you always have to send your friends derogatory texts about me? They all hate me because of you and your texts!”

I wasn’t so much mad at him, I was really mad at the situation and I was taking it out on him. Not fair, I know! But I was drunk and upset! Langdon took the napkin back out again and flicked it across the room so I could see that he wanted nothing to do with this girl. Then he said, “Are you going to make me wait 9 years just to have another chance with you?”

Tiffany saw him chuck away her number-on-a-napkin and came over and said to him- without even looking at me, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to give you trouble.” And I was like, oh great, I’m the asshole now! Langdon and I left shortly after that.

Back at the townhouse, Tad had called me trying to get us to come back out and give them a ride. I didn’t want to deal with it so I put Langdon on the phone and proceeded to lie down on the kitchen floor because I couldn’t stand anymore, I was so drunk. Langdon got off the phone with Tad and laid down next to me, gave me some kisses and then tried to get me to move.

Langdon: “Come on, let’s get off the floor.”
Lynx: “Fine. But I’m not fucking you tonight. And I’m not sucking your dick!”
Langdon: “You never suck my dick anyway!”
Lynx: “Not this year!!”
Langdon: “Psh, you still didn’t suck my dick!”
Lynx: “I sucked your dick last year!”

We managed to work everything out when we went to bed.

The Madchen Cup

K-Ho and I went to the Barleycorn in Schaumburg to meet up with Langdon and his friend from home (Mendota), Kilometre. Well there was no parking avilable in the Barleycorn lot, K-Ho suggested that we just hit up the valet. I only had $2 cash on me, while K-Ho had $7, and I decided to say no to valet. I parked at the Extended Stay Inn right across the street.

We went in for a couple rounds and I was very excited to find out that not only did Kilometre currently live in Leland, he also knew where Mattoon was! Not many people know of these small towns and I always get excited when I run into someone who does, because they usually don’t run into people who have heard of where they are from. This was the first time I had ever met Kilometre, and K-Ho and I impressed him with our Scissoring story. I can’t say that I remember much else of the conversation, but there were definitely laughs all around.

We all left to go meet up with Butch, Slim, and Tad who were drinking at Champps. Well we managed to get lost going to Champs even though it literally was around the corner. We drove all around Schaumburg trying to find it. I don’t remember how, but I was in posession of Langdon’s phone and kept talking to Tad (his roommate) while texting Butch on my phone to get directions which didn’t really help us out any.

We finally did make it to Champs though. As K-Ho, Slim, and I were chowing down to glorious food the subject of the Madchen Cup came up. I think I somehow instigated it because I do remember getting loud about it to Butch, “Remember you wanted me to go to Mendota for Corn Fest and I totally didn’t?” Once Corn Fest was brought up, inevitably the Madchen Cup followed.

In Mendota there is a Corn Fest every year. Apparently this small town is supposed to have really good corn. Then again, this is Illinois. We are a giant cornfield, so almost anyone could claim to have awesome corn. Dekalb also has an annual Corn Fest, maybe they should battle it out. Last year, Butch invited me to this Corn Fest in Mendota. Butch’s roommate at the time, Slim, is originally from there (as are Langdon and Kilometre) and they thought it would be cool to go to this Corn fest. Well corn wasn’t the only thing that was on the agenda.

When the “Madchen Cup” was uttered, Langdon got kind of weird next to me. Uncomfortable, if you will. I think some of the other guys were also uncomfortable, there was just a weirdness in the air. I chuckled to myself because I knew why. K-Ho was out of the loop so I texted her to let her in on what the Madchen Cup was once the guys started arguing over it.

Lynx: “So they’re talking about a girl known as the Madchen Cup. Langdon fucked her.”
K-Ho: “Ew and uncomfortable.”
Lynx: “You would think so. I don’t care but they don’t think [I know]/are hoping I’m clueless.”

To further fill in the story here, Langdon was interested in me. It’s a little tacky to bring up past paramours when you have a potential girlfriend with you. I understood why some guys kept talking about it. They didn’t think I knew about the Madchen Cup. Some, however, were aware. Langdon didn’t know that I knew though. Langdon and I have known each other for almost 2 years and he has been chasing me for more than half that time. I honestly didn’t care they were talking about the Madchen Cup because it was during a period that I was not involved with him. I thought it was funny. Hell, I’m writing about it right now aren’t I?

So what/who exactly is the Madchen Cup? There was a girl in Mendota, Madchen, who was very much like a bicycle and a lot of young men got to ride her. A few friends of Slim, Langdon, and Kilometre rode that bicycle. Langdon can also include himself on that list. Butch, going through a phase in his life at this point in time where he thought he had to be man-whorish, also wanted in on this “Madchen Cup” as they started calling her. The girl was a real slut is what I’m told. Everyone stood behind Butch’s decision to claim the Madchen Cup that year. He even told me that he was thinking about literally making a trophy, a real Madchen Cup, that could be passed between the guys.

Butch: “I came up with that term! I started it all!”
Tad: “No you didn’t, it was all Langdon.”
Butch: “Langdon, seriously, come on. Who was it?”
Langdon: “It was me. Not you.”

So we left Champs, trying to head to Easy Street, and once again we got lost. We got on the highway and pretty much drove in a circle and wound up halfway home. We gave up looking for it and went back to Slim, Tad, and Langdon’s place to drink some more and watch Old School.

In the morning when Langdon drove us back to my car, we soon realized that my car was gone from the Extended Stay Inn lot. The fuckers had towed my car. There hadn’t even been a sign about towing where I came in! The expensive lesson I learned here, worth $170, if you’re going to Barleycorn just let the fucking valet take care of your car and they can worry about parking.