Seasonal Loving

Sloppy Shot: So what if he made you watch Cubs games. Its not like you could have watched a hockey game instead.

Lynx: I know. “Know.” Dude I was over there in the winter. And now he’s getting all pissy cuz I’m cockblocking him. Haha, I should have been able to watch a damn Blackhawks game. I’m thinking I should have a lover for all seasons. One for hockey, one for football, and baseball will be one loooong season cuz I dont do basketball

Sloppy Shot: haha, Sounds like quit the game plan, there is just one issue tho…

Lynx: Which is?

Sloppy Shot: You’ve been having trouble finding someone for just one season much less 3. Baby steps. Or maybe you could mix it up and have a girl for one of the seasons. That would be hot

July 4th Boxblocking

July 2009

This year Honey’s boyfriend and Ricky Rousse had a shindig at their place for Independence Day. Sloppy Shot’s brother brought some male friends over, and with there being new blood at one of our events I did look at them and think they were kinda cute. However, they seemed kind of distant, uninterested, just very polite. I made the only conclusion a reasonable person could make, they just weren’t into me. It happens. Not everyone can handle the Lynx!

At the end of the night, Sloppy Shot’s brother engages me in conversation. And I found out why these guys were not talking to me like they should have been.

Brother of Sloppy Shot: Before we came over here I told the guys that there was this cute Asian girl that would be at the party. I told them, “Don’t even bother. She’s a heartbreaker! Save yourself the trouble.”

Lynx: Why would you say that?? I’m not a heartbreaker! Well not intentionally. But still! I am so not a heartbreaker!

Brother of Sloppy Shot: Hey, I just didn’t want you to have a bad time with these morons trying to hit on you.

In his defense, it was a sweet thing to do, but I don’t think I’ve ever had a male interfere with my love life like this haha.

Jonathan Goldman Turns 21!!

The other night Lynx & Crew were out in Wrigleyville celebrating Jonathan’s Goldman’s 21st birthday. We did a mini-barcrawl and it was the second place we stopped that warrants a mention in my chronicles.

Since living in the city, Jonathan Goldman has always wanted to go to Cubby Bear. It’s not my type of place, although it is a staple of Wrigleyville. So we honored his request and when we showed up, this reggae band was playing. There was maybe roughly 30 people there, half of whom I rolled in with. Honey dragged all the girls out to the dance floor, where I got creeped out by guys coming up to us and I headed back to the bar so that I would be left alone.

One minute I’m talking to Kooter Kake and the next I’m talking to a bachelor party. I don’t remember how it started and I couldn’t even tell you what was said, although I did diss the groom-to-be because he was from Michigan and some doofus was a Hoosier. They looked like idiots in these bright red t-shirts which they had specialized for the “Bachelor Party Bar Crawl.” One of the guys, forgot his name, got all up in my space. But it was okay, he was a pretty guy. And that’s when one by one my friends came up to us, saying it was time to go. G-Spot. Once wasn’t enough. Ricky Rousse. Twice wasn’t enough either. When Sloppy Shot came up, I still had half a beer left and I was in the middle of a conversation with a guy.

Sloppy Shot: Come on, we gotta go.
Lynx: I still have to finish my drink. -looks to bachelor party guy-
Sloppy Shot: Is it the only thing that’s keeping you from going to the next bar?
Lynx: …Yes… -meaning no-

And then he took my drink from my hand and finished my beer! And then he basically dragged me out of Cubby Bear! I didn’t even wait til we had turned the corner (Cubby Bear stands on the corner of Clark and Addison) before I started yelling.

Lynx: Why the fuck did you do that?!
Sloppy Shot: You were talking to douchebags!
Lynx: AND THAT’S A REASON TO COCKBLOCK ME??
Sloppy Shot: Uh…they were douchebags…that should be enough reason.
Lynx: But that’s perfect! They don’t want to stay til the morning!

I kept yelling as we crossed the street. I was still yelling when we came to Goose Island and discovered it was closed. I didn’t care who heard, the hobos or the skanks or the bros, anyone and everyone on Clark Street heard that I had been cockblocked. It escalated when we went into Mullen’s. G-Spot and Ricky Rousse cornered me to calm me down. At least I think it was Ricky Rousse? It may have been Boomp.

G-Spot: Would you rather have fun with your friends or have sex with a douchebag?
Lynx: …Yeah I choose sex.
Boomp/Ricky Rousse: But it’s Jonathan Goldman’s birthday. Don’t you want to be there for him?
Lynx: But it was a fucking bachelor party!

Let me first of all say, I fucking love Jonathan Goldman like I love Tucker Max. Jonathan Goldman is like a god in my eyes. I was just Hurricane Bitch out of control. Of course Jonathan Goldman & Crew are more important than random ass with a stranger who went to Mizzou! But my poor vag, they all had someone to go home to! After Mullen’s we stopped at Taco Bell for drunk munchies. On our way out, I saw the bachelor party come in. My ire was reawakened. Hurricane Bitch came out and Ricky Rousse and I got into a physical altercation back at Jonathan Goldman’s apartment. Lesson here? They obviously didn’t pay attention to Scruffelhauser’s words “You don’t want to get in Lynx’s way when she wants to get laid.”

Marriage Pact

2006ish

Midway into our friendship during periods of being alone, Butch was doing some heavy thinking and decided to drag me into a marriage plan. He was like 24 at this point and I was 21. His friends were getting old and walking down the aisle, I guess it really started freaking him out. Marriage was the last thing on my mind and I most especially did not want to be married to him. 

Butch: “If I’m still single in a few years, you have to marry me.”

Lynx: “I am not marrying you.”

Butch: “My mom is going to expect me to settle down, and we know you’re going to be single so you should marry me!”

Lynx: “You don’t really want to be tied down to me. We would be so bad for each other.”

Butch: “Dammit Lynx, you have to do this for me! If I’m not married by 28, you’re going to be my wife.”

Lynx: “Uh no I’ll be 25, possibly just starting my career. I am not going to let marriage get in the way!”

Butch: “Come on! We bicker like an old married couple anyway! So now let’s just get it over with so I can touch your cans. You know, it doesn’t have to be a real marriage. Just have it on paper to make my mom happy.”

Lynx: “So an open marriage…for like a year or so. You’ll have to wait until you’re 30 though, I’ll be 27 then. Won’t be so young. Can I have an apartment I can take random men to?”

Butch: “Yes, but you have to have sex with me too.”

Lynx: “Um no that’s gross. I don’t want to fuck you.”

Butch: “But you’re having my kid, you have to fuck me.”

Lynx: “Whoa, I did not say yes to your babies. We are totally doing IVF if I’m having babies with you!”

Butch: “Why wouldn’t you want to fuck me? We could do it like once a week.”

Lynx: “I don’t think you’d be any good. Guys only get one chance and that’s it! You would suck and I would never touch you again!”

Butch: “I can’t fuck your brains out on the first attempt!”

Lynx: “Guess we’re not getting married then, are we?”

 

* This most likely will be null and void seeing as how we all anticipate Butch to marry his current girlfriend. However after this pact was made, I went to Sloppy Shot and we made our own marriage pact. If neither of us were married by 40, we will be tying the knot.

Hurricane Bitch

January 2009

Buttersauce, Jonathan Goldman and Ricky Rousse planned a surprise 23rd birthday party for Boomp.  Boomp was lured out to Chicago under the pretense they would be barhopping. Birthday boy was quite surprised indeed and never saw it coming. We were stocked up on hard liquor, in particular we had a huge bottle of Ciroc which Boomp and Ricky Rousse are really fond of.

So I started off with cranberry vodkas, unusual for me to do since I’m a beer drinker.  As the night wore on, more people showed up and more people got drunk. I had been a really good happy drunk I was jolly (yes Jolly) and stumbling over myself. I was a happy drunk until I discovered we were out of Ciroc. Upon making the switch to beer, apparently I bitched out Ricky Rousse and Jonathan Goldman. I don’t remember any of this but since I am one of the loudest (sometimes angry) drunks in the group, I’m not too surprised.

Buttersauce came up to me, wondering if pizzas should be ordered. I love to eat so there was no way I was going to tell her not to order them. I was in the kitchen when the Pizza man came. I got drunkenly excited and started waving to the guy, asking if he wanted beer. And then G-Spot ran over and held me in place to prevent me from actually going up to the  Pizza man. I got angry.

Lynx: “I have to give him beer! Let me go!”

G-Spot: “Hey it’s okay, Sloppy Shot already did it.”

Lynx: “That asshole tipped the Pizza man before me?”

G-Spot: “Yes he did, now calm down!”

Lynx: “NO! I’M SUPPOSED TO GIVE THE PIZZA MAN BEER! HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME??”

G-Spot let go of me and I stormed into the next room where Boomp, Ricky Rousse, Sloppy Shot and Scruffelhauser were in the middle of a beer pong game. Not giving a shit, I belligerently got in Sloppy Shot’s face and began yelling at him. He claimed not to know what I was talking about, I called bullshit and then I angrily poured the rest of my cranberry vodka into his cups of beer. I visibily saw that Scruffelhauser and Boomp were surprised and disgusted with what I did. In my drunken state I didn’t care. I seriously felt like I’d been disrespected by not being able to give the Pizza man beer.

I started walking back to the kitchen when I realized that I had been so angry, I forgot about the pizzas. I sniffed the kitchen and asked where the pizza was. Someone made a comment that G-Spot and Jonathan Goldman’s lady had taken it to his room. My ire once again was ablaze and I ran from the kitchen to Jonathan Goldman’s room screaming, “THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS!!! THEY’RE HIDING PIZZA FROM ME!!”

Right before I reached the room, G-Spot slammed the door shut and I began banging. I was about to try and hulk the door when it opened and I saw the two with cheese and pepperoni hanging from the side of their mouths. I wound up getting my share and everyone collectively decided that I had to be cut off for the rest of the night. I played nice for a while, biding my time before I could start drinking again. That opportunity arose when one of Sloppy Shot’s friends, Vick and his girlfriend,  showed up.

Sometimes I unconciously slip into a hostess role when my friends throw parties. This comes from my time spent in a frat house. I won’t get into the details, but when I see people come in not really knowing anyone or looking like they’re not having fun, I just have to give them beer. I went to the kitchen and was in the process of taking beer from the fridge when I heard,

Person: “What are you doing, Lynx?”

Lynx: “I’m getting beer for Vick and his lady friend…”

I grabbed one beer for Vick, then another beer for his lady friend. Then I grabbed a third one, “And this one’s for me, HA BITCHES!!” and took off running from the kitchen before they could take my beers away from me.   Lazer soon took me and G-Spot home after this. I don’t know if it was because he was genuinely partied out or if it was because they didn’t want me to get worked up again.

I was such a huge, raging bitch that G-Spot started calling me Hurricane Bitch this night.

In Which The Bears Lose To The Rams

 

I’m going to be serious for a moment. Not many people are aware that I don’t like gamblers. Growing up, I saw how it affected many Asian families and I vowed I would never end up like them. I only saw the misery and heartache it caused. My own mother is somehow convinced that I will wind up spending the rest of my days with a drunkard who gambles our money away, and she believes as a result he will force me to live in squalor.

I like proving my mother wrong. Which brings me to a conversation I had with Sloppy Shot. He suggested that he screen any potential guys I wanted to date. He asked me what qualities I liked and which ones were absolute deal breakers. Among the latter, I mentioned that I wouldn’t give a gambler a chance. I was pretty firm with this decision until Sloppy Shot tried to reason with me. And since I know that Sloppy Shot has my best interests at heart, I thought about it for a moment. Was it really that undesirable? Did it matter? I mean, it’s better to have a guy who plays poker than be into Dungeons & Dragons, right?

 

Sloppy Shot: “You’re being ridiculous. Every guy has to gamble a little bit. You would seriously not date a guy just because him and his buddies play Texas Hold ‘Em once in a while?”
Lynx: “Okay fine. If he makes your cut then I won’t hold gambling against him.”

 

November 2008

I was over at Langdon’s watching the Bears vs. Rams game. Langdon’s roommates are not Bears fans (Slim-Vikings and Tad-Packers), and were rooting for the failure of Chicago. Langdon was basically on his phone the whole time during the game. I heard words that kept ending in -hundred and I figured that he had put money down for a Bears win. How much he had riding on the game, I never knew. Anyone who saw that game knows what happens next.

Lynx: “Did that just happen? THEY LOST TO THE RAMS!!”
Langdon: “FUCK. Hey baby… it’s not like you like going out to fancy places.”
Lynx: “What?”
Langdon: “We’re going to have to stay in for the next 3 weeks.”
Lynx: “WHAT?”
Langdon: “But it’s okay because you don’t like fancy places anyway, right?”
Lynx: -trying to hide disgust- “Does this mean I have to buy us dinner at Hooters from now on?”

Lynx Babies and Company

March 2008

It was the morning/day of G-Spot’s birthday party, and for the life of me I feel like we did something fun the night before but I can’t remember at the moment. Boomp, Scruffelhauser, Sloppy Shot, and I were doing Power Hour and then played other various drinking games. G-Spot came out of his room to see what we were doing.

Being that we were all there for G-Spot’s 22nd birthday, and I’m the oldest in our group of friends (well used to be the oldest until Lyle Harris started hanging out with us), I started thinking about the future. I don’t know if this was because the booze was brought out the serious Lynx in me or if it was because I was getting “older.” I’ve got a pretty awesome group of friends and for whatever reason, I was wondering what traits they would pass onto their kids. Will they be calling me Lynx, or Aunt Lynx, Auntie Lynx, or perhaps Lynxie? Will our kids surpass our awesomeness? Time will tell!

Lynx: “I can’t wait til we all have kids and they sit around playing drinking games.”
G-Spot: “I’m not letting my kids hang out with your kids, ‘Stay away from those Lynx boys.’ Because you know you’re having boys, Lynx. I don’t think you have any X chromosomes to give!”