Wild Turkey Night

November 2008

This is when I found out the guy I was seeing was a big blubbering emotional pussy. Not an attractive trait by any means.

Thanksgiving night I head over to Langdon’s. I receive some texts from Tad saying that they’ve been drinking Wild Turkey and that Langdon is going to be passed out when I arrive. I don’t think anything of this and I don’t believe Tad. That was my second mistake, the first mistake being that I actually went over to their townhouse. I show up, barely say hi to Tad, and I find Langdon passed out in his bed, wearing only a hoodie and boxers which are inside out.

I gently shake him to wake him up. He pulls me down to him, we start making out and get right down to business. I’m so happy that a guy has finally gotten the idea, to just take me when I come into a room and have our clothes come flying off. I climbed on top of him and start fucking him. About 10 minutes of my boobs bouncing in his face, out of nowhere Langdon says “You’re using me for sex.”

Excuse me? I’m using him for sex? I stop moving my hips and I say, “What the fuck? Who attacked who when I got here?? Why would you say that I’m using you for sex?”

His drunk ass has no coherent response, so I continue to fuck him. I thought there would be no more comments from Langdon. I really don’t like talking during sex. I may do the occasional “Fuck me harder!” or “Spank me!” but I don’t ask “Honey, how was your day?” If he wants to keep me satisfied, he needs to shut his mouth.

Another 10 minutes go by. Drunk Langdon starts talking again, “I want to fly you to Pittsburgh for my company’s holiday party.”

Well that’s awesome but I don’t stop riding him, fully aware that I’m the only one taking the sexing seriously. I’m not losing my rhythm again for drunk babble, but Langdon doesn’t shut up!

Langdon: “I’ve been after you for a year and a half.”
Lynx: “Are you dicking me around?”
Langdon: “You’re my girl, I’m becoming obsessed with you. I like you so much. “

Oh shit. What the fuck? Now is not the time for this kind of talk! Once again I’m forced to stop grinding my hips with his cock inside me. I’m more than irritated at this point. I was totally dominating him. You know how a girl can ride a guy so good/hard, that she is really the one who’s fucking him? That was me. I was fucking Langdon. Not the other way around. And I’m actually kind of disgusted that he would pull this shit while I’m trying to get my sex on. So I snap at him and Langdon sounds like he was about ready to cry.

Lynx: “Can we talk about this later?”
Langdon: “I want to be your boyfriend.”
Lynx: “Uhh…what did you say?”
Langdon: “Just tell me I have a chance at being with you. I’ll even take a ‘maybe.’ “
Lynx: “Okay…maybe.”

That seemed to placate him because he kissed me, and I started fucking him again. He didn’t ruin the mood again after that. To be honest it was one of the hottest sessions I’ve ever had. He was drunk off his ass and wasn’t afraid to fuck me hard, something he couldn’t do when he was sober or sobering up when we got home from the bars. We fucked so much that night, his room would reek of sex for over a day. I finally had to say, “We have to stop, my pussy can’t take anymore!”

Right before falling asleep, I ask him if he is going to take back everything he said in the morning. Langdon says no. I also ask if he is going to remember what he said to me. Langdon says yes. I was going to hold him to it.

The next morning we went at it again, but I was too sore to ride him. When we got done with that, I walked out of his room naked to grab a water from the kitchen. I see an empty box on the floor. It’s a Wild Turkey box for 2 bottles. I then realize exactly how much Langdon and Tad drank the night before.

I go back to Langdon and ask if he remembers anything.

Langdon: “Well there’s a condom on the floor, so I know I was responsible last night!”

Picnic Time: My Face

So today’s entry is about what took place last year at Honey’s 21st birthday celebration. My friends and I refer to this night as “The Infamous Picnic Table Incident.” We celebrated at Alumni, however, K-Ho and I managed to get Honey way too drunk the night before so Honey was drinking water.

I rode out with Boomp and Ricky Rousse. We stopped for gas when the boys decided that they were hungry and were going to run across the busy intersection to get McDonald’s. Never mind having had some drinks and cars are coming at you. That’s not dangerous at all! When they got back we made a pact: since we were arriving at Alumni together, we would also be good friends and leave together. I also told them that Langdon was possibly going to be there and that they should make sure that I keep away from him and/or not go home with him.

We made it to Alumni and upon entering the beer garden, we came across Butch and company. Sloppy Shot, Butch and Jeremy had a reunion and did a round of lunchboxes at the bar. Langdon was trying to chase me around the beer garden, buying me drinks and nachos. Langdon and I were standing around talking at one point and next thing I know, we’re making out. Now in all fairness, he started it. For whatever reason he then took me out to the grassy area, where there were picnic tables, far from everyone. He sat down, made me straddle him, and we continued making out hardcore. I thought I heard G-Spot yell, “HE’S GONNA GET HIS DICK WET!!” but G-Spot denies having said this. Scruffelhauser swung by to take a picture of us making out, that’s how awesome my friends are.

So we’re drunk and making out, totally oblivious to our surroundings. And that’s when the picnic table FLIPPED OVER!!

I was stunned. One minute we were making out and the next minute we were on the ground with the picnic table up in the air. We heard cheering and shouting. Everybody in that damn place whipped out their digital cameras and camera phones to take pictures of us. I was so drunk and embarrassed. I got up and left Langdon behind, but I can’t remember where I went. The making out didn’t end there. Oh no, we became that obnoxious couple sucking face at the bar.

Lazer, Boomp, multiple other friends, were having a field day with me and Langdon making out. They would take pictures of us and be the creepers in the background. You know the creepers I’m talking about. The guys giving the camera thumbs up or high-fiving each other.

Ricky Rousse: “So how do you guys know each other?”

Lynx: “This is how we know each other” -proceed to make out with Langdon-
Ricky Rousse: “Oh, okay…”  

At one point Langdon wanted to take me back to Butch’s. I knew what he would try to do if I went with him. We had hooked up the summer before and he was going to try to do it again. I told him that the only way it was going to happen was if he promised nothing would happen. He drunkenly promised and I went to tell some folks I was going to leave.

Ricky Rousse came up to me, “What are you doing? What happened to us leaving? I hope you don’t do something you’re going to regret.”

I like to think that I’m a person of my word and that I’m a loyal friend. Langdon was not the person I should be leaving with. Ricky Rousse, being the friend that he is, said he would drive me home instead. I went back to Langdon and told him that I changed my mind. I would be going home with Ricky Rousse. Langdon was angry at being cockblocked.

Langdon: “Are you going to let your friends tell you what to do?”
Lynx: “You won’t understand, I’m sorry…just give me a call tomorrow, okay?”

He went back to his table to go sulk. He couldn’t even look at me when I said goodbye. I didn’t know this at the time, but Butch told me a couple days later that Slim and Tad made a bet that night on who would take me home. Slim thought Langdon would be triumphant, after all that hardcore making out, how could Langdon go back empty handed? Tad thought Ricky Rousse would be the one to take me home, and he was right.

Boomp, Ricky Rousse and I left. I went into drunk hysterics while in the car and Sloppy Shot had to come out and calm me down. Unfortunately we had bigger problems on the way home. That problem was a road block teeming with police. I’ll spare you the details, but Ricky Rousse almost got a DUI that night.

Ricky Rousse: “Officer, I’m the designated driver. I only had a few drinks.”
Officer: “If you were the designated driver, you shouldn’t be drinking at all.”

Out of our friends, we were not the only ones who got stuck in this predicament. I did feel guilty, because it was my fault that we were in this situation. I would have felt worse if Ricky Rousse had gotten a DUI. Lucky for us, we did make it home that night. But for future reference, never tell an officer that you’re the designated driver and that you’ve been drinking!

Tiffany (Jealousy Gets the Best of Me Again)

I was out with Langdon and some of his buddies at a hotel bar in Bloomingdale. His friend Kilometre really digs some chicks that work there. One minute I’m talking to Tad (one of Langdon’s roommates) and then I look over to Langdon who at that moment is being handed a piece of folded up napkin from some random girl.

Langdon opens this napkin up and it says “Tiffany — — —-” Then he put the napkin in his pocket and I had a “What the fuck” moment in my head. I’m pretty drunk at this point, drunk off warm Miller Lite drafts and the bartender’s drink, “Kalene’s Special.” I surprised even myself by how jealous I was to see this, but once the Green-eyed beast was out there was nothing I could do until it went back in its cage.

Lynx: “What are you doing?”
Langdon: “What?”
Lynx: “I saw that!”
Langdon: “I don’t know what her deal is, I haven’t even talked to her.”
Lynx: “Uhh why did you stick it in your pocket? Why didn’t you throw it away?”
Langdon: “Was I supposed to be rude and do that in front of her?”

He took the napkin back out and tossed it to me. I then threw it back at him and said, “Whatever. I can sleep on the couch.” And then turned away to do some angry texting. Langdon tried to stop me so that I could give him my full attention to talk about what happened, I angrily pulled away from him and stalked off to do my texting in the bathroom.

When I got back to the bar area, Langdon had already told the guys (Slim, Kilometre, and Tad) what was going on. Tad took it upon himself to smooth the situation over by placing himself next to this Tiffany girl, and I imagine told her all about how Langdon and I were together. Langdon was trying to talk to me, to see if I was mad at him for something he didn’t do, “Why do you always have to send your friends derogatory texts about me? They all hate me because of you and your texts!”

I wasn’t so much mad at him, I was really mad at the situation and I was taking it out on him. Not fair, I know! But I was drunk and upset! Langdon took the napkin back out again and flicked it across the room so I could see that he wanted nothing to do with this girl. Then he said, “Are you going to make me wait 9 years just to have another chance with you?”

Tiffany saw him chuck away her number-on-a-napkin and came over and said to him- without even looking at me, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to give you trouble.” And I was like, oh great, I’m the asshole now! Langdon and I left shortly after that.

Back at the townhouse, Tad had called me trying to get us to come back out and give them a ride. I didn’t want to deal with it so I put Langdon on the phone and proceeded to lie down on the kitchen floor because I couldn’t stand anymore, I was so drunk. Langdon got off the phone with Tad and laid down next to me, gave me some kisses and then tried to get me to move.

Langdon: “Come on, let’s get off the floor.”
Lynx: “Fine. But I’m not fucking you tonight. And I’m not sucking your dick!”
Langdon: “You never suck my dick anyway!”
Lynx: “Not this year!!”
Langdon: “Psh, you still didn’t suck my dick!”
Lynx: “I sucked your dick last year!”

We managed to work everything out when we went to bed.

Slapbag

June/July 2007

Slapbag is a drinking game I discovered in the summer of 2006, when I went camping in Wisconsin with the brothers Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum and their Wisconsin friends. It’s a very simple concept. You take a swig of Franzia and then slap the bag, trying to make a cracking sound. Those slaps are the best. And then you pass it on to the next person until the bag is dry. Now I know this sounds a little stupid, but once you get going and the alcohol is flowing, this is fun as hell. Seriously. FUN.

I had so much fun that I had to share this with the rest of our friends. Now I thought that I had had fun playing it with Wisconsin folks. Well the friends that the Tweedles and I share, are a very creative bunch and took Slapbag a step further. Whereas the Wisconsin folks just slapped a bag and passed it on, Sloppy Shot, Ricky Rousse, Honey, and Lyle Harris came up with different ways to pass it on and slap the shit out of that Franzia bag. Can you high five the shit out of Franzia? Maybe do an Eiffel Tower? Backhand it? Do a flip and then see if you can whack it? We started off 5 strong, then there was 3, but Sloppy Shot and Ricky Rousse were the brave men who sucked that Franzia bag dry.

I can’t really remember what happened after we had nothing left to drink. At some point we decided to walk Honey home since she literally lives right behind me. I can tell you that I don’t remember me physically walking to her house, I was pretty fucked up. All I remember is that from the short walk from my house to hers, I had to call Langdon. You know, that urge of MUST CALL YOU and ADMIT DRUNKEN THINGS TO YOU.

Langdon and I met in February 2007 when Butch and I went to ISU. I was digging him and then after 2-3 hours of meeting him, I found out from Butch and Slim that he had a girlfriend. So of course I was disappointed. Well they broke up a few months later and he started asking about me, but Leo and I were back together so nothing happened. Langdon couldn’t get me out of his mind, so he asked Butch for my number and made a call. But I never got that call or the voicemail he left me. Apparently Langdon called some girl he thought was me and left a voicemail saying, “I think you’re an awesome girl and I’ve had this big crush on you since we met. Can we hang out sometime?”

Only to realize that he called the wrong person. He was completely horrified, “I just poured my heart and soul out to a complete stranger!”

I’m pretty sure that Butch (with the encouragement of Slim and Tad) purposely gave Langdon the wrong phone number so they could laugh about it. Well I had been thinking about it, and I don’t know how I got his number (I think it was in a voicemail and I couldn’t hear the digits), but I dialed away.

“Hi Langdon, it’s Lynx. How’s it going? You know what, I totally thought you were really cool when I met you. You were cute and funny, and I’m not gonna lie, I totally wanted to make out with you! But then you had a girlfriend so I thought you were a douchebag. Like a really BIG douchebag! Anyway, so maybe you are a douchebag, maybe you aren’t, why don’t we try to be friends? See where it goes? I really just want to be your friend.”

Yeah well guess what. I had dialed the wrong number! Of course I told Butch about it and he thought it was absolutely hilarious.

I was so sick the next morning, instead of driving to my 8 am summer class, I drove over to Sloppy Shot’s because there was no way I was going to be able to sit through 3 hours of American History without passing out or puking. Which I tried to sleep, puked a bit, got dragged out to breakfast by Sloppy Shot and Ricky Rousse, puked some more, got back to Sloppy Shot’s and perhaps puked more and then finally slept it off. All while he was running around helping his mom with computer stuff.

I have pretty much sworn off Franzia since that night. WORST HANGOVER EVER!

The Madchen Cup

K-Ho and I went to the Barleycorn in Schaumburg to meet up with Langdon and his friend from home (Mendota), Kilometre. Well there was no parking avilable in the Barleycorn lot, K-Ho suggested that we just hit up the valet. I only had $2 cash on me, while K-Ho had $7, and I decided to say no to valet. I parked at the Extended Stay Inn right across the street.

We went in for a couple rounds and I was very excited to find out that not only did Kilometre currently live in Leland, he also knew where Mattoon was! Not many people know of these small towns and I always get excited when I run into someone who does, because they usually don’t run into people who have heard of where they are from. This was the first time I had ever met Kilometre, and K-Ho and I impressed him with our Scissoring story. I can’t say that I remember much else of the conversation, but there were definitely laughs all around.

We all left to go meet up with Butch, Slim, and Tad who were drinking at Champps. Well we managed to get lost going to Champs even though it literally was around the corner. We drove all around Schaumburg trying to find it. I don’t remember how, but I was in posession of Langdon’s phone and kept talking to Tad (his roommate) while texting Butch on my phone to get directions which didn’t really help us out any.

We finally did make it to Champs though. As K-Ho, Slim, and I were chowing down to glorious food the subject of the Madchen Cup came up. I think I somehow instigated it because I do remember getting loud about it to Butch, “Remember you wanted me to go to Mendota for Corn Fest and I totally didn’t?” Once Corn Fest was brought up, inevitably the Madchen Cup followed.

In Mendota there is a Corn Fest every year. Apparently this small town is supposed to have really good corn. Then again, this is Illinois. We are a giant cornfield, so almost anyone could claim to have awesome corn. Dekalb also has an annual Corn Fest, maybe they should battle it out. Last year, Butch invited me to this Corn Fest in Mendota. Butch’s roommate at the time, Slim, is originally from there (as are Langdon and Kilometre) and they thought it would be cool to go to this Corn fest. Well corn wasn’t the only thing that was on the agenda.

When the “Madchen Cup” was uttered, Langdon got kind of weird next to me. Uncomfortable, if you will. I think some of the other guys were also uncomfortable, there was just a weirdness in the air. I chuckled to myself because I knew why. K-Ho was out of the loop so I texted her to let her in on what the Madchen Cup was once the guys started arguing over it.

Lynx: “So they’re talking about a girl known as the Madchen Cup. Langdon fucked her.”
K-Ho: “Ew and uncomfortable.”
Lynx: “You would think so. I don’t care but they don’t think [I know]/are hoping I’m clueless.”

To further fill in the story here, Langdon was interested in me. It’s a little tacky to bring up past paramours when you have a potential girlfriend with you. I understood why some guys kept talking about it. They didn’t think I knew about the Madchen Cup. Some, however, were aware. Langdon didn’t know that I knew though. Langdon and I have known each other for almost 2 years and he has been chasing me for more than half that time. I honestly didn’t care they were talking about the Madchen Cup because it was during a period that I was not involved with him. I thought it was funny. Hell, I’m writing about it right now aren’t I?

So what/who exactly is the Madchen Cup? There was a girl in Mendota, Madchen, who was very much like a bicycle and a lot of young men got to ride her. A few friends of Slim, Langdon, and Kilometre rode that bicycle. Langdon can also include himself on that list. Butch, going through a phase in his life at this point in time where he thought he had to be man-whorish, also wanted in on this “Madchen Cup” as they started calling her. The girl was a real slut is what I’m told. Everyone stood behind Butch’s decision to claim the Madchen Cup that year. He even told me that he was thinking about literally making a trophy, a real Madchen Cup, that could be passed between the guys.

Butch: “I came up with that term! I started it all!”
Tad: “No you didn’t, it was all Langdon.”
Butch: “Langdon, seriously, come on. Who was it?”
Langdon: “It was me. Not you.”

So we left Champs, trying to head to Easy Street, and once again we got lost. We got on the highway and pretty much drove in a circle and wound up halfway home. We gave up looking for it and went back to Slim, Tad, and Langdon’s place to drink some more and watch Old School.

In the morning when Langdon drove us back to my car, we soon realized that my car was gone from the Extended Stay Inn lot. The fuckers had towed my car. There hadn’t even been a sign about towing where I came in! The expensive lesson I learned here, worth $170, if you’re going to Barleycorn just let the fucking valet take care of your car and they can worry about parking.