Moment with Tweedle Dum at Prairie Rock

January 2009

Tweedle Dum: You know, you’re different.

Lynx: What do you mean?

Tweedle Dum: The last time I saw you, you were a total bitch, and I didn’t want to talk to you!

Lynx: -not surprised- When was the last time you saw me?

Tweedle Dum: -unsure- Hmm like a couple months ago…?

Lynx: Try the summer. That’s the last time you saw me.

Tweedle Dum: You know what, you’re right.

Lynx: Yeah, Tweedle Dum, if you had the love of your life move across the country you would have been just as unhappy and depressed as I was. But because I didn’t want to become a hermit, I forced myself to go out with my friends, so from April to July I’M SORRY IF I CAME OFF BITCHY.

Tweedle Dum: -realizing he’s stuck his foot in his mouth- Ah…yeah…that does suck…well… you shouldn’t let a guy affect you like that.

The White Sox

Tweedle Dum: “We know why G-Spot likes the Cubs, he’s a drunk Irish. We all know why I like the Brewers, I’m a drunk German. Lynx likes the Sox because it rhymes with a body part.”

 

Drunk Thoughts on Being Popular, Exotic, and Cute

Tweedle Dum was home for the weekend and as usual, we had problems trying to figure out where we should drink. Tweedle Dum likes to keep it local, as in the same town we live in, and won’t really venture outside. Then there’s me, I hate drinking in our hometown and I also hate drinking in the next town over. I like driving 20 minutes or more to get my drinking on. Tweedle Dum wanted to go somewhere we both hadn’t been and that’s pretty much impossible. Or so I thought. A new bar had opened up in Elgin and another one had undergone renovations with new owners. Well I won’t share my scathing reviews, but I was so disappointed that we left within the first 10 minutes at each bar and wound up at Hoppe’s.

Needless to say, I wasn’t that happy and even less so when I saw someone I went to high school with. I talked to Bad-Ass after we left. This is one of the happier conversations I’ve put him through.

Lynx: “Ran into some bitch from high school. I hate it. She was one of those preppy popular bitches. She was fucking anorexic and you know what, she’s still anorexic! There were two different popular cliques and I was not in her camp. The other group, those girls were more down to earth and that’s why I liked them.”

Bad-Ass: “Okay…”

Lynx: -still rambling- “I wasn’t an outcast and I wasn’t in the in-crowd although I did party with them occasionally. There’s two kinds of popular. There’s the one where everyone knows you cuz you’re friendly and the one where you’re in that core of ‘it’ kids. I was definitely the first one. And yet all these bitches thought I was a threat. I don’t get it.”

Bad-Ass: “I do, but you’re drunk. You’re exotic and cute.”

Lynx: “No seriously, I’m not exotic and I’m not super cute.”

Bad-Ass: “Now you’re just fishing for compliments! I can’t even reason with you.”

Lynx: “I’m not fucking kidding!! I don’t have small eyes and I’m not feminine!!”

Bad-Ass: “Well I would bone you in a heartbeat but you won’t listen to me. Give me a call in the morning and then I can talk to you.”

Why I Stopped Talking to Leo for 8 Months

January 2006

Leo asked me to go to a party in the city with him. I had nothing going on so I said sure. I met up with Leo, his friends Gallagher, Jacques and Jacques’ Guatemalan girlfriend in Palos Hills. This is where Jacques lived. Leo and I had just started hanging out after a long hiatus, so it was really weird meeting his friends. I wasn’t sure if I would ever see them again, because I wasn’t sure myself if I was going to see Leo again. That’s when they broke the news to me that we were going to an Ethiopian party.

A what? We have those? Apparently so.

There was no going back. In the car it was revealed that Gallagher was a Kutcher House boy from Eastern Illinois University. Of course I got excited since I was very good friends with the Kutcher House boys at Northern Illinois. So we started chattering away about fraternity stuff. I think Leo got jealous that we weren’t talking about his fraternity, the Tiki House. You know how there’s always some slight rivalry between houses when it comes to girls, no matter how friendly the boys are with one another. This is when Leo admitted, “I didn’t want to tell you he was a Kutcher boy in case you got wet for him.”

We rolled in and I was with the only three white guys in the entire place, along with the only Guatemalan and myself being the only Asian. Slightly uncomfortable, but the Ethiopians were pretty friendly. Jacques and the Guatemalan took all these cute couple pictures and then they kept trying to make Leo and I take the same cute couple pictures. I said no. They thought I was like a girlfriend figure (I thought Leo had obviously not told them the full history about us) and I was nothing close to being that girlfriend figure.

He wasn’t paying attention to me towards the end of the night and some Ethiopian guy started dancing with me. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but Leo came over and moved me over to dance with him. This night is the only time Leo and I have ever danced together. Let me tell you, for a tall white guy, he’s got moves. I couldn’t wait to get back to Jacques’ apartment to put those moves to use.

I fell asleep next to Leo on the ride home. Gallagher was on the other side of him. Leo put his sport jacket over me in case I got cold. Or so I thought. I woke up to Leo’s hand underneath my skirt doing some exploration. Damn did it feel good! I quickly looked around the car to see if anyone else noticed. I hoped that I would be able to keep quiet if he got me off before we arrived at Jacques’ apartment.

When we got back, Jacques, the Guatemalan, and Gallagher went into their respective rooms. Leo and I got down to business, “I can’t believe you’re still wet!” Right before insertion we had one of those moments where Leo had to text Jacques for condoms. Come on really, do you have to let him know you’re going to bang me? He’s going to hear it in about 10 minutes anyway!

The next morning I was feeling sick. I threw my skirt back on and walked topless to the bathroom, hands over my boobs. You know, so I could be semi-decent in case someone came out. I started puking in the toilet. The room was even spinning. I managed to make it back to the mattress Leo and I had been sleeping on, not sure if I had woken him up. Bad Lynx, my puking had woken him. He asked me if I was okay, I said yes. He then asked if I was sure there wasn’t anything was wrong with me. No, nothing was wrong with me. Leo started rubbing my back and I fell asleep again.

Later that evening, when we were home, Leo was talking to me on AIM. He once again brought up the puking situation, asking if I was okay. And then he launched into this jackass rant.

Leo: “The kid is not mine. We just had sex last night and it takes 2 weeks for symptoms to show. You’re pregnant and you better not try to say that I’m the father.”
Lynx: “Are you fucking kidding me?? Pregnant?? I’m not pregnant!”
Leo: “You were puking this morning! I’m not going to throw my life away over a baby! It’s not mine!”
Lynx: “I was puking this morning because I had been drinking, fucking asshole!! Not because I’m pregnant!”
Leo: “What? Oh…so you’re really not pregnant?”
Lynx: “For the last time, I’m not fucking pregnant!”

I was so furious with him. Absolutely fucking livid that he would think I was one of those girls who would either throw someone else’s baby on him or that I would use a baby excuse to keep him. He let me calm down for 2 weeks. I was at Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum’s house that weekend when Leo texted me, saying I should come out to Palos Hills to hang out with him and Jacques.

Leo: “Are you coming?”
Lynx: “Is it worth it?”
Leo: “I dunno…is it?”
Lynx: “You’re not. I’m not going to see you. Good night”

It wouldn’t be until August 2006 that I would unleash my sexual fury on him again. 

Threesome Talk

January 2009

Tweedle Dum and I were having lunch at Barleycorn. We started talking about threesomes. Neither of us have done it. I started thinking maybe this is something I should do before I’m off the market. Tweedle Dum didn’t really care what parties were involved, ideally two girls and a guy. I likewise find the same situation is the only one I would do. I also have to be friends with the guy. I’m selfish when it comes to my men. I don’t want to share my boyfriend/husband/life partner with another woman during sex. If it’s a male friend there would be no real tension like there would be if it were me and a girl friend trying to fuck the same guy. Tweedle Dum and I didn’t talk about it in depth, but it stayed on my mind through the evening.

We did karaoke that night out. Tweedle Dum and I were drinking pitchers, he’s one of the few people drinks more than I do when it comes to frequency of the act, and I’ll be honest when I say the entire night I was thinking about threesomes. I texted Bad-Ass, sharing my general interest in a threesome. He texted back that if he wasn’t included in this threesome, the conversation was over.

The next day Bad-Ass sent me an IM on Facebook saying that I needed to call him NOW. Thinking that something bad/epic happened to him, I did call him at that moment.

Lynx: “Hey, what’s going on? What happened?”
Bad-Ass: “I need to know, were you serious? Because if you need me, I will do it! This threesome talk is not something to be taken lightly!”

By this time, I remembered watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother in which Ted and Barney each were individually faced with an opportunity for a threesome with hot girls. I started to psych myself out. Do I have to touch her? Can we share? Is someone going to get less attention? How will we know to switch? And I started to be less excited about doing a threesome.

So, I think I’m taking threesome off the list of things to do. I have too much fun one-on-one anyway.

Cheating Loophole

Tweedle Dum was home from UWM. We grabbed lunch at the Village and then went to Barleycorn for drinks. As we were catching up, he made a comment about how he would love to bag a cougar. The female kind, and not the cat. The thing about Tweedle Dum is that he’s only been with older women. They haven’t necessarily been 15-20 years older, I don’t know what it is, they just flock to him.
Tweedle Dum: “Is it considered cheating if you bang a girl’s mother?”
Lynx: “Duh, of course it’s cheating.”
Tweedle Dum: “No, it’s not.”
Lynx: “How is it not cheating?”
Tweedle Dum: “It’s not cheating if it’s a mother. Half the genes! So they’re half the same person!”
Lynx: “Wow…” -in disbelief that he has stooped this low, yet marveling at the genius of it-
Tweedle Dum: “Yeah, it’s a great loophole for cheating, isn’t it?”

The 19th Hole

March 2006

One night during Scruffelhauser’s spring break, we were drinking at the Tweedles’ residence. Don’t remember how, but I got a hold of their mom’s fur coat and fox hat. I was drunkenly parading around in it, pretending I was Inuit or something. I locked myself in the bathroom and tried to take some risque pictures. As I was busy doing that, the guys found some turkey feathers lying around (the Tweedles come from a hunting family) and stuck them in their hats to form the elite Turkey Club. They started going buck wild and slamming vodka shots. After hitting my peak with the fur coat, I passed out on the couch. Of course, all the good shit happens when I pass out!

The guys were getting antsy but were too drunk to drive, so they enlisted the help of their neighbor friend Brick. Their goal was to find a golf course. The guys took off, leaving me alone in the Tweedle house. I was in so deep of a sleep I didn’t know they left. When they got back they continued drinking and were so loud they woke me up.

The Tweedles have a favorite past time in which they go to golf courses and shit in the holes. They had just gotten back from a certain golf course (The Tweedles have a blood feud with the owner) and they shat in the 19th hole. Well tried to. Tweedle Dee was successful. Scruffelhauser also managed to drop one off, however in his carelessness his own shit got on his hands. How you manage that one, I don’t know! Tweedle Dum attempted to shit, but had performance anxiety and couldn’t do it. Now that I think about it, Brick may have also shit in that damn hole. They’re classy guys, what can I say?