Chronicles of the Lynx
K-Ho and I were at Vasili’s bar last night and I was about to get my usual when he gave me crap about it, “We have over 75 beers and you want Miller Lite?” So I caved in and got La Fin Du Monde. I had always thought it was a Belgian beer, but it turns out it was Canadian. This beer was also 9% alcohol so I was pretty much drunk after finishing it.
Cutting to the chase, I’m not making a plug for La Fin Du Monde. I actually puked 2 times this morning from it. I am never touching this stuff again!
March 2008
Vasili, Junior and I were senior officers/on the executive board of a club during our senior year of college. We hosted a gathering at Vasili’s for St. Patty’s Day and all our little freshmen showed up, ready to party.
Lynx: “Alright let’s bust out the beer bong and get this started!”
Freshman: “You’re still doing beer bongs? You’re too old to be doing beer bongs. Shouldn’t you have found a better way to get drunk by now?”
Lynx: “Uh excuse me? What the fuck did you just say?”
Freshman: “You’re too old for beer bongs!”
Lynx: “Do you know who the fuck I am? I AM THE LYNX! I WAS HOUSE MOM OF TWO FRATERNITIES, AND I WAS NOMINATED FOR HOUSE SWEETHEART. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?? I CAN FUCKING OUTDRINK YOU ANY DAY LITTLE PUNK!”
Freshman: “You’re on. I’ll outdrink you, just watch.”
The challenge was accepted around 8 PM. Vasili and Junior both made private comments to me about how perhaps intimidating the Freshman into drinking wasn’t the best idea, and that I should let go of my drinking past. The Freshman thought he was a big boy, I wanted to prove to him that he knew nothing about drinking. I wasn’t about to have my reputation called into question by some little 18 year old bitch who was too afraid to stick his dick inside a girl.
Victory was mine of course. The Freshman was passed out by 10:30 PM. Vasili and Junior put him down in Vasili’s bed. I went to check up on the kid about 20 minutes later and he woke up to tell me that I was so hot and he had been wanting to get with me since the beginning of the school year. I told him to shut up, it was not going to happen and he was stupid for thinking he could outdrink a frat girl. I was pretty sure he was putting on a front to hide the fact that he was gay.
Then I walked out of the room and locked lips with our freshman girl. I was her first lipstick slut kiss!
I woke up one morning to the following text:
2:42 am
Vasili: Is this sexy? heh
I was so confused, I had a “What the fuck is going on??” moment. Vasili and I have been friends for 3 years now. The nature of our friendship in no way consists of us exchanging intimate photos. I was hoping that he sent it to the wrong person. I was pretty disturbed. I mean, he jokes around that he’s a little bitter I won’t go after him (he’s 10 years older than me), but to try and seduce me with a picture of his stomach? That makes no sense, especially when I’ve passed out at his house after many a night of drinking! This shit doesn’t turn me on at all. I’m just glad that he didn’t send me a picture of his dick.
It’s pierced.
June 2008
I was at Red Ivy in Wrigleyville during the second crosstown game between the White Sox and the Cubs. At least I think it was the crosstown game. I just remember gazing across the street at the guys inside Barleycorn and being amazed that there were so many hot male White Sox fans. I also wondered why the hell I was stuck at Red Ivy with none of them in tow.
I don’t remember how the subject of spitting or swallowing came up at the dinner table. Eugene, this guy I was hanging out with made some offhand comment about how it didn’t matter to him whether a girl spit or swallowed when giving a blowjob. I got a little angry because he was being a pussy and was trying to tell me what he thought a girl wanted to hear. I’m not dumb, I know what guys prefer. Hell, I even prefer it myself. So I corrected him and said, “That’s ridiculous. Of course it matters! If I were a guy, that bitch sucking my cock is going to fucking swallow!”
I whipped out my phone and texted 3 or 4 of my good friends: G-Spot, Sloppy Shot, Junior, and Vasili. I asked them what their preference was and if it made a difference. One by one, they all answered like I knew they would (because they’re REAL men), and that answer was SWALLOW. But it wasn’t enough for Eugene. He not only did not believe me, a girl who was one of the guys, he also did not believe my friends WHO WERE GUYS. He went through his phone, trying to find friends he could ask about spitting and swallowing, “I have to be careful who I text because most of my friends are married and this could go bad with the wife.”
LAME. But what did his friends answer? Swallowing of course.
G-Spot texted me back saying “FRIENDSHIP OVER!” I called him and we got to conversing in the middle of my dinner date. Here’s the gist of our conversation:
G-Spot: “Why would you ask such a stupid question? You should know this answer!”
Lynx: “I know the fucking answer but this guy I’m having dinner with actually questioned me on swallowing.”
G-Spot: “I don’t think he can handle you!”
Lynx: “I know he can’t handle me!”
Eugene: “Are you talking about me on the phone, with me next to you??”
Lynx: -ignoring Eugene- “He’s got no chance at all!”
Eugene would later go on to tell me that he liked me. Unfortunately for him, when he said he preferred spitting, whatever minuscule hope there was of us dating was gone. This is a mistake many guys make. They’re fooled by the illusion of my breasts. Perhaps even the feminine scent of my perfume. Just because I have mammary glands and a uterus does not automatically mean I am in the Spitting Camp.
